BROWN VISITS LOUGHBOROUGH SHOCK

AIRLINE BLUNDER ANGERS LEMONCELLO

FURY: Lemoncello criticized crowd support in London before having to fly home in Economy Class


A "hugely disappointing weekend" is how Andrew Lemoncello has described last Sunday's marathon debut. Having described the atmosphere at the event as "like a bloody funeral", the Scot's bad luck seemed to continue as he was bumped from his Business Class reservation on his flight back to the States for "operational reasons". "I had to sit in economy with a bunch of no hopers" fumed the Fife man, "how can I be expected to train properly with that amount of leg room? It was absolutely awful- I refused to eat that rancid stuff they called food. It looked like vomit". It seems the mix up occurred after European flight operations continue to struggle to get back to normal after the volcanic ash cloud brought the continent to a standstill last week.

This was one setback too many for Lemoncello, who argued with airline representatives for over ninety minutes at Heathrow. After being told that he would have to sit in economy, the 2:13 marathoner walked away holding his head and was seen to shed a tear as he had to queue up "like everyone else" in the non-fast tracked security line. The Scot vowed that he would "never fly with American Airlines again" as he stropped towards his gate. "Did you see how long it took to clear passport control? And I didn't have access to the VIP lounge and so had to sit in a McDonald's. It was so degrading".

Things did not get much better for the Flagstaff based man when he viewed the official photographs from race day. Calling them "disappointing at best", Lemoncello bemoaned the fact that they made him "look like a fat jogger." "I deliberately chose yellow as it was slimming, they [the photographs] make me look 10-12 pounds heavier than I actually am," he told the Lufbra Echo. The Scot was also furious with allegations from a watching Brendan Foster that his white gloves were "a mistake". "I am one of the few guys who can pull that off," thundered the former steeplechaser, "how can that oaf say that. It's jealousy- pure and simple. He wants my complexion and my talent- I've got more talent in my little toe than Foster ever had."

Lemoncello's agent has now sent a communication out to all race organizers that his charge will only consider racing if Business Class travel is offered "as a minimum".

LOUGHBOROUGH KIT DEBACLE: WHO SAID WHAT AND WHEN

The Lufbra Echo is deeply saddened (but not entirely shocked) to learn of the latest major setback surrounding Loughborough's new kit. Obviously, we are entirely impartial in the matter and pride ourselves on giving objective, factual accounts of the situation at hand. We are not swayed by protestations from some that this "was the best kit deal in the history of the world" [Matthews et al., 2009, 2010] nor do we pay attention to grumbles from LSAC's Director that "serious sanctions" await those responsible. We understand that Ian Anholm has been charged with "bringing an end" to the scandal and will get to it right after he has finished redecorating George Gandy's office. In the meantime, dear readers, let the Echo take you on a tour of what was said and who said it......

“From January 2010, when competeing [sic] for Loughborough University in any event, you MUST wear a Puma Vest. This is written into our contract with them. Old vests are therefore not allowed.....”
-Pete Matthews, LSAC Kit Sec, 5th October 2009.

"We'll have to drag those who don't want to wear it [the new kit] kicking and screaming"
-George Gandy, LSAC Director, October 2009 (as alleged by Sebastian Foy, LSAC Vice XC Captain)

“I have been a hugely successful kit sec”.
-Pete Matthews, LSAC Kit Sec, Many occasions

"The kit will be smart and make us look professional....a lot like Birmingham"
-Rob Hodges, LSAC Chair, December 2009

"Of course the kit will arrive on time....how embarrassing would it be if it didn't?!"
-Pete Matthews, LSAC Kit Sec, January 2009

“We are sorry to inform you that the puma kit order has been delayed by 3-4 weeks. The kit arrived in the country earlier this week, but I was informed this morning that it failed Puma's quality control testing procedures and so is being deported.

This is fairly significant news for the club as we are setting off for the BUCS xc champs tomorrow morning, departing from the union at 8am, and some athletes are currently without vests.”
-Rob Hodges, LSAC Chair, 4th February 2010.

"Will the kit arrive in time for BUCS Outdoors? Absolutely."
-Rob Hodges, LSAC Chair, March 2010

"The kit will not arrive for BUCS"
-Rob Hodges, LSAC Chair, 28th April 2010

“As you will probably be aware, the kit order has been a bit of a disaster. [...] We are now able to get some honest answers and are expecting to receive the vests and tracksuits in mid June. They are aware of our urgent need to have them for this weekend but there is no way they can manufacture them in time. [...]On behalf of Pete and myself, your kit secs for this year, I would like to apologise to all of you who have ordered kit.”
-Kieran Flannery, LSAC Kit Sec, 28th April 2010

NEWS ROUND-UP

LEMONCELLO PONDERS NAME CHANGE

Andrew Lemoncello will be dropping the 'Lemon' from his name after he decided it was necessary "in order to be taken more seriously". In an extraordinary interview with the Lufbra Echo, Britain's latest marathon star also slammed what he called "virtually non-existent" support on the London Marathon course. "What were they playing at?" fumed the Scot, "it was like I was alone out there. I am certain that I would have won [Lemoncello came 8th] if they had cheered for me. It was very poor."

When asked to elaborate on his name decision, the American based star said, "I am tired of being associated with citrus fruit. The organizers of major events always insist on giving me lemonade to drink". The former steeplechaser also confirmed that he would not be signing a potentially lucrative deal with Sprite. "It's not for me," he said as he left London this morning, "I just think that no one thinks of me as a serious athlete because I have such a stupid name." Lemoncello went on to blame a "naive" decision to ditch his sunglasses hours before the start of the marathon on Sunday. "I really struggled with that one," revealed the 2:13 marathoner, "I bought them at Sunglass Hut on the way over and they are so cool- I am sure it [the lack of them] slowed me down, maybe by up to three or four minutes."

RADCLIFFE IMPRESSES AT MARATHON SNOOZE FEST

The Marathon World Record holder, Paula Radcliffe has courted high praise for her "sensationally bland" commentary at the recent London Marathon. BBC chiefs are said to be "thrilled" with her progress as she managed to last nearly three hours without making one useful point. "It's a difficult thing to master and I know that Steve Cram really struggled with it," said a BBC insider, "commentators have to talk utter nonsense otherwise viewers may start to realize that they are tuned in and switch off". The praise comes after Radcliffe was heavily criticized for her performance at the Winter Olympics. Viewers were said to be "aghast" at her attempts to make coherent sense when covering the Curling. One viewer said, "her voice is perfect to lull us to sleep. When she tries all that intelligent stuff it just isn't on".

ELECTION LATEST: BROWN ASKED FOR OPINION ON IAN STEWART

SCHOFIELD DOUBT FOR BUCS AFTER GOLDFISH DEATH

Robbie Schofield has thrown Loughborough’s plans for next weekend’s BUCS Championships into chaos after announcing the death of his goldfish, Henry. The 1:49 800m man was amongst the favourites to win his event, but has now revealed that it is “unlikely” that he will be able to compete. An ashen faced Schofield revealed his “devastating” news at a hastily arranged press conference this morning. “Henry and I had been together for a little over eighteen months,” said the Newham and Essex Beagle, “I feel empty inside now. I can’t even think about running.” Schofield also revealed that the death was unexpected and the result of a “catastrophic” accident in the lavatory. “I was giving Henry his weekly clean and so had transferred him into another bowl,” sobbed the fastest U20 800m athlete last year, “my phone rang and I jumped, knocking Hen down the loo. I tried to save him, but there was pure bleach down there- he never stood a chance.”

Loughborough’s Director of Athletics, George Gandy said that Schofield’s withdrawal would be a “major blow” for the African Violets. Speaking from Front Romeu via Skype, the guru said “our thoughts have to be with Robbie right now and I won’t be rushing him into making a decision- it’s entirely his call.” Gandy added that Schofield would be placed on compasionate leave for the foreseeable future. “I know that the fire brigade have now retrieved the body of the fish and so arrangements can be made. This may take a while though as there has to be a post mortem.”

It is true to say that Schofield has not had the same vote of support from other coaches at LSAC. David Howe, Gandy’s illustrious sidekick and the man currently in charge of Loughborough’s endurance operation labelled Schofield “careless”. “I think the real question here is why Robbie was allowed to keep a goldfish at all,” said the Canadian, “cleaning the tank in the bathroom is surely an accident waiting to happen.”

Schofield’s official website has been closed today “as a mark of respect” but his spokesman said that the 19 year-old hoped to be back competing “in the next few weeks” and that a decision on BUCS would be left as late as possible. LSAC Chair, Rob Hodges confirmed that black ribbons would adorn all Loughborough vests at the event in memory of Henry.

LOUGHBOROUGH OPEN MEETING NEWS....

All the action from the BUCS Trials rounded up by the Echo

FURIOUS EMERY PONDERS ACTION AFTER BADDICK SLUR

Stephen Emery has said that he is “hurt and upset” after Frank Baddick accused the Coventry Godiva man of “bottling it” at the Loughborough Open (inc. BUCS Trials) held yesterday. Going into the race, bookmakers had stopped taking bets on an Emery win, with many citing his “tremendous” form at LSAC’s Portugal Warm Weather training camp- in February you could get odds of 100-1 for the same outcome. However, race organisers received a call from Emery on the morning of the meeting declaring himself unwell and unable to compete. Speaking at the post race press conference, a victorious Baddick taunted Emery, stating that it was “disappointing” he chose not to run. “This was the big test,” beamed the Newham and Essex Beagle, “and Stephen clearly wasn’t ready for it. He says he was ill- but we have seen this before. He was in excellent shape in South Africa last year and that came to nothing.”

Baddick, who has had a disappointing winter, also told of his relief to chalk up a race victory. “This is the one I wanted,” said the 24 year old, “it’s the stuff you dream of. When things were going badly I just kept focussed on this- I thought save it for the Loughborough Open- then you’ll show them all.” The 3:42 1500m man went on to call Emery’s withdrawal “suspicious”. “All I’m saying is that this was the first time there was real pressure on him. With his meteoric rise of late, I just wonder whether there is something in his system that he isn’t telling us about.”

Emery meanwhile presented a doctor’s certificate at his own press conference this afternoon and is less than happy at Baddick’s comments. “Nonsense,” thundered the 8:51 3k man, “jealous, malicious, half baked nonsense. The biggest load of nonsense since sliced bread.” Emery also revealed that he was in discussions with his legal team. “Just because he was nowhere all winter, Frank thinks he can make stuff up to bring us all down. That is deeply upsetting. I was puking my guts up yesterday and so could never have raced.”

SPRINTERS FUME AT ‘WRONG COLOUR’ TRACK

Loughborough’s sprinters are demanding that the entire track is dug up and re-laid ahead of next month’s Loughborough International after several athletes complained that the track was “too red”. 100m man, Luke Stott said that the track’s colour ruined his race yesterday. “It was blinding,” harrumphed the 10.7 (wind assisted) man, “I glanced up from my blocks and all I could see was red, red, red. It ruined my concentration.” Meanwhile, Echo favourite James Dasaolu refused to race altogether citing the “disgusting” track colour. “I don’t know what’s happened over the winter,” said Dasaolu en route to a race in Limoges, “it was fine last year but there’s no way I’ll race on that now- it’s out of order.”

Loughborough’s facilities boss, Ian Anholm was less than impressed with the “whining sprinters”. “It’s always the same. Summer comes around and they need an excuse and so have a go at me. Poor old me- I try my best, but what do they want me to do? Go out there and re-paint the thing?” Anholm, who has been accused of a “tyrannical” management style in the past, was speaking after launching a probe into “inappropriate parking” at the event. “Some vehicles were all over the place,” said the admin chief, “and I distinctly saw one car drive the wrong way around the one way system. Heaven knows what would have happened if someone had been coming the other way- it just doesn’t bear thinking about.” Anholm pledged to “get to the bottom” of the misdemeanour and that “no punishment would be too harsh” for the perpetrator.

GANDY SKIPS TRIAL IN FAVOUR OF ‘NIGHT OUT WITH THE LADS’

George Gandy has been snapped by French newspaper L’Equipe leaving a French nightclub in the early hours of Saturday morning despite a previous pledge to be at Loughborough’s BUCS trials. The guru refused to answer his phone this morning but a UKA insider revealed how Gandy never made it to the airport for his planned flight to the East Midlands. “Ryan McLeod was planning a big night out and George wanted to get involved. Alasdair Donaldson remained at the accommodation ready to make the tea the morning after.” Gandy’s actions are unlikely to sit well with many who were looking forward to showing off their early season form to the LSAC Director. It is rumoured that Chris Warburton was “close to tears” when he heard the news and that Gary Bradbury refused to leave his home for “some hours” having got off the phone with the guru.

ECHO ANNOUNCES BUCS DEAL

The Lufbra Echo is thrilled to announce exclusive access to the Loughborough camp at next weekend's BUCS Championships. The news comes after rival publications attempted to swipe the deal from under our noses, but our unnamed Chief Executive remained resolute. He enthused: "this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. George Gandy is away and so it is likely access will be absolute. Our loyal readership can look forward to nightly updates, exclusive interviews and all the action as it happens." The Echo narrowly missed out on a similar deal with the University of North Dunstable, but will be able to carry snippets from around the stadium at Bedford.

Coverage is subject to availability and a delay of several hours. Terms and conditions apply. Some interviews will be more exciting than others.

MERRITT ACCEPTS GUILT IN ENHANCEMENT FOUL-UP

LaShawn Merritt, the disgraced 400m Olympic and World Champion has conceded that he “did a dumb ass thing” but has hit out at what he calls the “stupidly tight” USA team kit. Merritt tested positive on three separate occasions for an illegal steroid which he claims was in an over the counter “male enhancement” drug. Whilst the star said he would accept “any punishment” handed down, he pleaded for clemency on the grounds of “complex personal issues”. “It’s alright for the likes of Usain [Bolt] and Tyson [Gay], they don’t have anything to be ashamed of,” said a stricken Merritt from a press conference in New York, “but those suits really highlight the fallibility of someone like myself...I wanted to wear jogging shorts but they [USATF] wouldn’t allow it.” The 400m star now faces a two year suspension and the prospect of having his reputation sullied for the rest of his career.

The American spoke of a “bullying culture” in the athletics locker rooms around the globe. “The Golden Leagues were the worst,” explained Merritt, “Jeremy Wariner laughed in my face prior to my race in Paris- he called me mini-Merritt and that gets to you after a while. The truth is that I have had to put up with it since High School.” The Olympic Champion also spoke of the “other options” that he looked at before resorting to medication. “I tried to stick a sock down there for the 4x400m in Beijing- but then Martyn Rooney just called me socky-Shawn. As I was about to race I would shout ‘go sock it to ‘em Shawn’ and that was too much. I had to act.” It has also been revealed that surgical enhancement was ruled out due to “proportionality”. The athlete went on, “I only really wanted an increase in girth and length of around 3-5%. Surgery would have led to at least a 15% increase and that would have been very noticeable as well as uncomfortable....it would also have left me unable to race for six to seven months.”

Merritt’s revelations are bad news for another convicted dopester, Justin Gatlin. The former 100m Olympic Champion famously claimed that he tested positive after a wayward masseuse rubbed “testosterone gel” into his enlarged quadriceps. Gatlin’s representatives were remaining coy this morning, but did reveal that they felt their charge’s title for “best excuse” was under threat. “I think we all thought it would be a very long time before we had an excuse to rival Justin’s. LaShawn has shown originality and we have to respect that.” It is not known whether Gatlin will come up with another reason for his doping misdemeanours but “nothing has been ruled out” by his camp. “Justin is a proud man. Everyone respected him for his doping excuses and now they are talking about someone else. That’s sport and we now need to figure out how to respond to it.”

Closer to home, British starlet James Desaolu has bemoaned Merritt’s behaviour as a “major blow” to male athletes around the world. “It’s a vanity thing,” stormed the Loughborough based man, “we all looked at LaShawn and thought ‘there’s a guy who is small and proud’. We can’t do that anymore and that’s really sad.” Action groups across the country have also condemned Merritt’s actions saying that they fear an uptake in artificial enhancement. A spokesman for The Institute of Testicular Care and Happiness (TITCH) said, “we are what we are and we should be happy with that. What we don’t want is hundreds and thousands of young men resorting to these measures. Anyone with any fears should log on to www.sizeisnteverything.com.” Meanwhile the BBC have not ruled out raising the issue at the final Prime Ministerial debate to be held next Thursday. A Corporation insider said, “we can’t deny that size does matter and it would be interesting to get the leaders’ take on that.” The Liberal Democrat and Conservative Parties both refused to comment when contacted today, but Gordon Brown’s spokesman said that it was a “pertinent point that needed addressing.”

Merritt, meanwhile has pledged that we will be back in competition after his ban. “I am going to run for smaller gentlemen everywhere,” he said, “I have let them all down and so will prove that you don’t have to be big to win.”

AIR RESTRICTIONS LIFTED AFTER GANDY CALL

Eurocontrol, the body responsible for air traffic in Europe had lifted bans imposed on aircraft following a phone call from an enraged George Gandy, who accused the controllers of "overreacting". Until 2200 BST yesterday evening, Northern Europe was at an effective standstill as heavy restrictions were imposed as a result of a volcanic ash cloud from Iceland. However, the prospect of missing Loughborough's BUCS trial on Saturday proved too much for LSAC Director George Gandy and the guru was left with "no choice" but to intervene. "The mouthwatering encounter between Warburton and Emery over 3,000m is going to be huge," explained Gandy "and Emery would have been stuck in Portugal had I not acted...it's all a bit silly anyway- when I was a lad planes used to fly whatever the weather, now a little bit of ash and they all go running for cover."

It is also rumoured that the UKA Endurance Coach has become "fed up" with the "dull" set up in Front Romeu and so is desperate to get back to Loughborough if only for a short while. "I must admit I regret leaving Portugal for this hell hole," said Gandy "it's just so boring here. I wanted to take the lads skiing on the glacier but old sissy Stewart [UKA Chief, Ian Stewart] said that they might get injured- so what? A touch of injury never hurt anyone! Besides, it would do Mo Farah good to get out of the hotel for a bit- a nice stroll near the edge of a cliff." It is well documented that Gandy and distance ace Farah do not get on and that situation has shown no signs of improvement. Branding the European Silver Medalist a "crank", Gandy went on to hit out at Farah's "sensitivity". "I am not here to be a parent," said the LSAC Director, "and my job does not extend to tucking Mo in every night....the airline lost his teddy bear and he didn't sleep for two nights- that is pathetic."

Gandy is expected to fly home for the BUCS trial on Friday but will return "with a heavy heart" to France the following Monday. "I have to say that I miss the guys- Warburton and his hissy fits, Emery and his sensibleness, all of them really," he said "but duty calls and so I will be back here with miserable Mo and the clan next week- what chance another ash cloud?"

NEWS ROUND-UP

With the whole of Europe at a standstill, the Athletics world rumbles on and the Lufbra Echo dutifully rounds up all the comings and goings in France, Portugal and beyond.

GANDY SLAMS ‘PRECIOUS’ ATHLETES

George Gandy has used an exclusive interview with the Lufbra Echo to hit out at what he calls a “culture of self-importance” within British Athletics. The guru was recently reprimanded after Mo Farah complained of “relentless nasty comments” in the UK Athletics Front Romeu training camp. Farah is believed to have been upset after Gandy joked that he would “push him off the mountain” and branded the GB International’s duck à l’orange “average at best”. The European Cross Country silver medallist was said to be “deeply hurt” by the criticism but the LSAC director was in no mood for a retraction. “That is the whole problem with athletes in this country,” fumed Gandy, “they are all so precious. One little comment and everything kicks off....I half expect a shirty letter from their parents sometimes.”

The UKA Endurance Coach revealed that spirits at the altitude camp remained high despite fears that Ryan McLeod may not make it. The 13:58 5k man took the decision to drive to the camp after flights were axed due to the Icelandic volcanic ash cloud. “Ryan forgets where he lives sometimes,” sighed Gandy, “and so how he is going to drive over 1,000 miles to get here is beyond me....at least we’ll get to use his fancy new car.” For his part, McLeod confirmed that the enormous road trip was “progressing well” despite a minor mishap at Dover. The Tipton man spent several hours searching for the “road to France” despite his passenger’s protestations that none such road existed. “I was a bit shocked that I could take my car on board a boat,” said McLeod, “that’s mental. I insisted that I stayed in the car though because I don’t trust the French and they might chav my new alloys.”

ASH CLOUD UPDATE

UK Athletics have confirmed that their offices will remain closed for “the foreseeable future” after many members of staff were stranded in their holiday homes around Europe. A source for the National Governing Body said, “we operate on a four day weekend principle here and so many of the top brass take the opportunity to get away to their second homes in Monte Carlo, Zurich, Nice and the like. They’re all stuck there now as our fleet of jets is grounded.”

The spokesman also confirmed that UKA would be checking air quality across the country as athletes rang in complaining of poor sessions. “Many of our top guys can’t understand why they are struggling in training at the moment. The only explanation we can come up with is that the air is loaded with volcanic ash.” Many competitors at the National 12 Stage Relays bemoaned a “nasty smell” on the course that adversely affected their performances. Critics have pointed out that this largely occurred around the lavatories shortly after Ian Stewart was seen using them. However, an ERRA source said that they were “looking into” the complaints nonetheless. A source confirmed, “we may re-run them if ash is the cause. We have had many complaints from various clubs.”

Meanwhile, in Portugal, tension is mounting as it looks as if LSAC’s training camp may be extended. David Howe stormed out of the camp this morning stating that “anywhere in the world” is better than being a neighbour of Pete Matthews. The Canadian assistant coach had firm words for the one-time GB International (Mountain Running) after Matthews claimed that once he gets past his injuries he “will be better than anyone else, anywhere.” As Howe boarded a train to Lisbon he told a pack of journalists, “Pete needs a reality check. He claims that he will be the best athlete in the country but has much work to do. He isn’t even the best athlete in his family at the moment.”

UKA man Alasdair Donaldson (and leader of the LSAC camp) plans to head to Front Romeu to link up with Gandy and the team tomorrow amid fears that the remaining athletes will be kicked out of Portugal “regardless of circumstance.” It is thought that the Scot held last ditch talks with the Portuguese Foreign Minister Lúis Amado after government officials said that the East Midlands group has “outstayed their welcome.” Amado told The Espinho “it is time for them [LSAC] to go. We’ve had coffee shortage, drivers are fed up of swerving to avoid them and if I see another milk-bottle white guy with his top off I might just hit him.” When asked whether the volcanic ash constitutes an extenuating circumstance, the Minister said, “absolutely not. We had a deal and now they go. I don’t care where, just not Portugal.”

UKA CALL FOR CALM AS ASH CLOUD SPREADS

UKA are “seriously considering” cancelling early athletics meetings this summer after the ash from the Eyjafjallajokull volcano spreads across Europe. European airspace is in meltdown and many athletes are resorting to extraordinary measures in a bid to return to the UK. A UKA spokesman urged athletes to “remain calm” in the crisis, but conceded that it was now “very likely” that events such as the BUCS Outdoor Championships would be axed. “We don’t want people taking insane risks just to get back for BUCS,” said the source from his holiday home in New Zealand, “Nick Goolab and Stephen Sharp have already attempted to swim home from Portugal for the National 12 Stage and we can’t have everyone trying this.” The Belgrave pair were fished out of the Atlantic Ocean just half a mile from shore after Sharp inadvertently went the wrong way. Speaking from a hospital in Lisbon, where both were given the all clear, Sharp said “I didn’t realise that my iPhone wasn’t water proof and so the route map application broke and we ended up swimming towards Africa....Nick’s knackered now but it’s all good training.” Despite the setback, Sharp refused to rule himself out of the relays that start at midday tomorrow. “It’s not over yet,” said the most successful relay runner in British history, “I have spoken to Alan [Mead, Belgrave manager] and asked for a later leg. We could run there and just do a shortened cool down.” For their part, Belgrave have denied encouraging their stars to take unprecedented measures in order to make the relays. “We preach responsibility,” said an insider, “our guys must remember that they are role models to millions of kids and when they do something stupid it may be copied.”

In Portugal, David Howe and Alasdair Donaldson have been delayed in departing from LSAC’s warm weather training camp and Preston AC have had to postpone their return by nearly a week. A Preston source bemoaned a “difficult” situation. “The other night we really fell out with the Loughborough lot on the grounds we wouldn’t see them again. Now we’re stuck with them and their egos for ages- it’s awful.” Donaldson meanwhile is believed to have abandoned a bid to cycle up to Front Romeu in the Pyrenees, where his UKA colleagues are currently based. It is rumoured that the Scot fell off his bike only three kilometres into the trip and “badly grazed” his right knee. Our UKA source went on, “this situation does weird things to people. I know that Alasdair wants to be with the guys in France but he’ll be fine in Portugal.” Yesterday evening, Donaldson indicated that he was “gravely concerned” at the prospect of being stranded in Portugal. The Newham and Essex Beagle has claimed that he is being “relentlessly bullied” by the girls at the LSAC camp. “They aren’t being very nice,” sobbed the Scot, “Dani [Christmas] said that my tan wasn’t very good yesterday and that’s so upsetting.”

Back in the UK, some athletes are refusing to train in light of the “horrendous” air quality. Gary Bradbury revealed that he could “hardly breathe” on a recent recovery run and said that he would be writing off the next three weeks as a precaution. Chris Warburton was in a similar situation and indicated that his “entire season” may well now be over. “I think the dust cloud had an early effect on me in Portugal,” said the 3:38 man, “it’s been erupting for a couple of weeks now and that would explain why Stephen Emery was able to beat me in training.”

Elsewhere, Paula Radcliffe has paid £250,000 for a special “EasyBreathe” system to help her avoid any long term damage during her training. The Bedford and County said, “it’s great- I wear this special mask and it almost feels like normal.” The Marathon World Record holder revealed that there was a bit of snag when the company refused to print the Nike Swoosh on the device and thus rendering it useless. “It was fine in the end because Gary [Lough, Paula’s husband] drew it on with a Nike permanent marker,” Radcliffe explained, “he’s good like that- always coming up with ingenious solutions.”

EMERY MUST GUARD AGAINST COMPLACENCY: GREEN

Ben Green has used his weekly press conference to criticise Stephen Emery’s “disappointing” attitude after a successful block of training. The Coventry Godiva man has really stepped up his form of late- most recently winning the final 800m rep in an unofficial 1:55.85. “There is no doubt Stephen is running well,” said Green from his Vilamoura base, “but what use is training form if it can’t be converted into decent track performances?” The 1:47 800m athlete went onto criticise Emery’s decision to post a video of the session on social networking site, Facebook. “That was a shame and it isn’t something that I would have done. It’s really put pressure on the lad and I just hope he doesn’t blow it to be honest.” Green went on, “I didn’t like the way he celebrated at the end, it smacked of arrogance to be honest. I hope he learns from this.”

Firm words also came from George Gandy who watched the whole session from Front Romeu via a live video feed. “He [Emery] looked good on the track,” said the guru, “but he was taking it easy on the hills. That is bound to have made a difference and I also worry that he will go stale like he did last summer.” Gandy was referring to Emery’s inability to run a significant PB over the metric mile despite claiming that he was “in better shape than most other athletes in the country.” Gandy went on, “he peaked on a 600m rep in South Africa last year and promptly kept telling everyone about it. I will start to have faith when he runs well in actual races.” Last month, Gandy conceded that he had “forgotten all about” Emery until his performance at the Leeds Relays and the LSAC Director still appears hesitant to give the 3:57 man his full backing. “Stephen and I will have a chat about how to conduct himself on and off the track...judging from the video the lad still has much to learn about tanning.” Gandy went onto point out that his personal tan was “as strong as ever” and rigorously denied using artificial enhancers to maintain it. “That is a malicious rumour spread by Ian [Stewart, UKA Endurance Chief] because it rained during his holiday in the Maldives. I guess I just naturally tan well.”

Emery, meanwhile was in no mood to play down his recent accomplishments. Branding Green “jealous” and “mentally weak”, the Loughborough star went on an extraordinary defence of his record. “I deal in facts,” stormed the 55th man home in the National Cross, “this is a fact: I won the 1200m rep last week and I won the 800m rep this. I backed off in the 10x400m session but that was only because George texted me and asked me to let Warbo [Chris Warburton] win because he cried when I beat him.” Emery went on, “I just wish everyone would stop their winging and recognise how good I am. Week after week I perform. That’s fact. You wait until the AAAs, then you’ll know how tough I am.”

PORTUGAL LATEST......

SULLIVAN FURY AT ‘WEAK’ OFFICIATING

Matt Sullivan has hit out at what he called “the most ridiculous refereeing performance of all time” after losing in a dramatic press-up competition late last night. The contest came at the end of another ill-tempered encounter between various top LSAC stars and their Preston AC counterparts. The night of challenges was always set to be close and given the fierce rivalry between these two clubs had the potential to get out of hand. One observer slammed the whole set-up stating that the ‘questions round’ was “ambiguous at best”. The source continued, “everything looked as if it was very last minute. When the stakes are as high as this it’s just not on.” Sullivan was upset when he was beaten by his LSAC colleague, Seb Foy by 77 press ups to 66. “The fact is that I have a lot more to carry than him,” fumed the 3:55 man, “how can a dwarf take part in this? They should have their own events or at least be made to carry extra weight.” The Shaftsbury Barnet star did concede that he was “below par” on the day but maintained that had the scoring been ordered correctly it would have been enough to win. “Foy was barely bending his arms. I don’t want to go on about it, but it is true. I feel let down by the officials today- the fact is that the contest was just too big for them.”

The evening ended with Preston and LSAC chiefs having to call for calm when Peter Street and Tom Gayle squared up to each other over a “drink spill”. Gayle was fuming when Street accidently knocked his Orange Fanta on to the floor drenching his designer flip-flops. The 3:48 man then attacked the Preston athlete with said flip-flop demanding a replacement drink. Alasdair Donaldson leapt to the defence of Gayle and it was only after David Howe intervened that the situation was pacified. The tension around Vilamoura has certainly reached an all time high as this is the latest in a long line of spats between the two camps. After Sunday’s sun-bed debacle (which resulted in a Preston coach being pushed into the pool) and Loughborough’s humiliation at beach rounders, many will be relieved when Preston head home on Thursday.

DAVID HOWE: A CLARIFICATION

In Sunday’s article, the Lufbra Echo alleged that Dr. David Howe spiked his athlete’s drink with a double shot of vodka in a bid to help his charge “relax”. This was not the case and it was in fact a single shot of the spirit. We think you will agree this changes the situation a good deal and we are happy to set the record straight.

FOSTER ‘SURPRISES HIMSELF’ WITH COACHING BRILLIANCE

In a revealing interview with the Lufbra Echo, LSAC Women’s Coach Bill Foster has revealed that he can’t quite believe how well he has taken to coaching. “I sometimes catch myself giving advice” said the World Masters 3,000m Champion, “and think ‘wow- that is just incredible’....I am not sure how I do it- I guess I am a natural.” When asked what he felt his greatest achievement was, the coach said that there were “just too many to count.” “The thing is,” he went on, “I never seem to fail. My programme would work for anyone.” On his personal regrets he said, “there are a lot that other coaches could learn from me, but they don’t ask. George [Gandy] could come to me and say, ‘Bill- you are best of the best, how do I do it?’ But he doesn’t and that frustrates me.”

Foster went on to hint at a potential big money move away from Loughborough in the near future. “I have heard that St. Mary’s are unhappy with Mick [Woods], but they haven’t come to me yet. I am not ruling anything out. Who knows what the future holds?” This revelation comes just months after Foster rebuffed a move from Durham University to take over the entire set-up in the North East. “There was a lot of money on offer,” explained the Yorkshire man, “but there was also a lot of pressure. A rich owner often wants things done his way and I don’t work like that. It’s my way or nothing.”

GANDY CONTEMPLATES PORTUGAL RETURN AFTER NIGHT OF SCANDAL

David Howe will have a meeting with George Gandy and other LSAC Chiefs upon his return to Loughborough after he was accused of spiking an unnamed athlete’s drink yesterday evening. The athlete required minor medical treatment after reacting badly to a Double Vodka and Red Bull despite asking his hapless coach for a straight energy drink. When interviewed by the Lufbra Echo this morning, Howe was unrepentant and cited a need for his charge to “relax”. The Canadian explained, “when I was running I had some of my best sessions the morning after drinking heavily....how was I to know that he was allergic to alcohol?” The incident was one of several that has left Gandy and the rest of his team reeling with some insiders indicating that the guru is contemplating travelling back to LSAC’s warm weather camp.

“Stephen Emery is a genuine concern,” said our source, “he has really gone off the rails since winning the session earlier in the week- he was really quite inflammatory towards Chris [Warburton].” Emery was seen leaving a casino in the early hours of the morning and was later spotted completing his long run just before 8am. Earlier in the evening, the Coventry Godiva man could be heard shouting at Warburton “where were you on Tuesday night?” in reference to his annihilation of the Notts AC man over 1200m- Warburton comfortably beat Emery at yesterday afternoon’s session. Gandy confirmed that Emery was now likely to be fined and could face exlusion from the BUCS Outdoors early next month.

Elsewhere, UK Athletics apprentice coach Alasdair Donaldson was released from a Vilamoura police cell without charge after he was accused of “boring police officers to tears” with stories about “the good old days”. A police spokesman condemned the Scot for “dangerous behaviour” after the incident. “If there had been a genuine emergency, our officers would not have been able to respond,” said Mr. Pedro “they became seriously fatigued after hearing yet another story about the size of ice creams and the whiteness of the walls in the late 1990s”.

Gandy is also said to be “distressed” to hear of an attempt by Gary Bradbury to steal a yacht. The 1500m man bungled the theft when he drunkenly slipped on the gangway plunging into the cold water. “Gary saw Pete Matthews out by the lighthouse and wanted to pay him a visit,” sighed Gandy, “it’s just lucky that Matt Sullivan was on hand to dive in and save him”. Gandy also conceded that he was starting to have doubts over his blundering deputies’ ability to control the group of unruly athletes. “I have fielded calls from the Prime Minister today asking me to explain why Charlotte Best was seen on the roof of a bar at 4:30am,” harrumphed LSAC’s director, “Dave and Alasdair really need to get their act together.”

GANDY TO 'PLAY HIMSELF' IN SIMPSONS CAMEO

SPINELESS LOUGHBOROUGH MADE TO PAY BY RUTHLESS PRESTON

Loughborough Athletics Club has suffered its second Beach Rounders defeat to ‘The Preston Lot’ in as many weeks after a quite woeful display today. Pressure on LSAC’s management will now be at an all time high after fans booed the players from the beach this afternoon. In truth, Loughborough never really looked interested in windy conditions and quickly found themselves well behind in the first innings. Andrew Mariani and James Griffiths both dropped relatively simple catches as Stephen Emery looked jaded from his Tuesday night training session. The only high point for Loughborough was the successful completion of the game by injury-ridden Pete Matthews. However, his very involvement was contentious after having a three match ban overturned by the Court of Arbitration for Sport this very morning. Matthews had been slapped with the ban- as well as a £50,000 fine- after he was accused of miscounting and general unsporting conduct last week. As it was there was little the red head could do to prop up his turgid team mates. Loughborough clearly had their eyes on tomorrow afternoon’s track session as the Preston middle order ran riot in the latter stages of the match. The bowling performance of Sebastian Foy was branded “a joke” by one season ticket holder as he tossed his match-book into the sea. “I won’t be coming to watch anymore,” he continued, “I have followed this team since I was a boy, but they [the players] are clearly only in it for financial reasons now....I am going to watch a sport not yet tarnished by money so I am going to buy a Chelsea FC season ticket next year.”

The latest set-back comes amid reports of a growing unrest in the Loughborough dressing room. Rumours have been circling that Matt Sullivan is looking for a big money move to Birmingham and that Ben Green has fallen out with the coaching team. Their non-inclusion in today’s match only served to underline both their tenuous position and LSAC’s frailty in depth. Whilst exciting new signings were made in September- Robbie Schofield among them- the near £30m spent by the committee has not been in evidence at all this season mainly owing to injury and “other commitments”. LSAC Chair, Rob Hodges bemoaned their absence as well as “strange” officiating decisions after the match. “Obviously it is very worrying,” said Hodges, who could not attend the game but watched it on Sky Sports, “we are just three points above the drop zone now and have not won in a while.....however, I can take heart from a performance of character in difficult circumstances- the ball clearly went into the sea on two occasions and was not replaced. That is very poor.”

Speaking from the East Midlands, a spokesman for LSAC head honchos said that the jobs of Hodges and the rest of the coaching team were safe. “We do not make swift decisions and knew that the controversial introduction of the likes of Alasdair Donaldson would unsettle things briefly," said a senior aide to the Vice Chancellor, "what this club needs is stability and we are confident that Rob and the rest of the team will provide that in the long term.”

NEWS IN BRIEF

All the goings on from Portugal and around the athletics world rounded up by our team.....

WARBURTON FUMING AFTER SESSION BUST UP

Chris Warburton has branded Stephen Emery “an insolent nobody” after an extraordinary incident at yesterday evening’s session. Having “sat on” Warburton throughout the tempo run, Emery then proceeded to allow the 3:39 man to lead out the 1200m rep before kicking past him in the closing stages. Emery then openly mocked his senior after the session by completing a lap of honour and was seen high fiving LSAC’s assistant coach, Alasdair Donaldson. Speaking at a press conference yesterday, Warburton told of how he was “hurt” by the behaviour. “It’s really upsetting when someone treats you like that,” sighed the Notts AC man, “Stephen seems to think that he owns the place now and frankly it’s arrogant.” Warburton then reminded his rival that his PB over 1500m was 22 seconds quicker than Emery’s, “that’s a lifetime in running terms and he [Emery] needs to remember that. I just can’t stand it when these upstarts turn up and start ruining everything.”

LSAC chiefs have “categorically rejected” rumours that the contretemps turned physical. “It was a war of words and nothing else,” said our source, “it happens all the time in athletics and it would be strange if it didn’t.” Loughborough’s Director of Athletics, George Gandy, was in no mood for discussing the incident as he left Portugal this morning. Heading for his private jet at Faro airport, Gandy was furious that journalists were focussing on the bust up rather than his “impressive” tan. “I have worked on this for a whole week,” harrumphed the guru, “and all you lot want to know about is that pasty white Emery- it’s very poor.”

LEIGHTON BAINES EYES LOUGHBOROUGH SWITCH

Everton’s prolific left back, Leighton Baines was spotted in Vilamoura yesterday afternoon sparking rumours that he was about to sign for Loughborough Athletics Club. Everton insiders have revealed that Baines is “unhappy” at Everton and was “very keen” to link up with Gandy, Howe and the rest of the Loughborough team. “Leighton has ruled nothing out,” said a well placed source, “he sees the karaoke evenings that LSAC can offer and wants to get involved....he is something of a Ben Green fan as well”. The developments were hailed as “brilliant news” by senior LSAC athletes. Gary Bradbury said that Baines was “just the sort of guy you’d want to have around....I would definitely shake his hand if I saw him in the street.”

BENITEZ NEW JOB SHOCK

MATTHEWS TO BE STRIPPED OF GB STASH

Pete Matthews will be forced to hand back his Great Britain kit when he returns from Portugal as “he is not good enough”, the Lufbra Echo can reveal. The Blackburn man was awarded the honour “in error” according to UKA insiders. Our source said, “the truth is that over the course of the last couple of years, Pete has simply not achieved enough. It is embarrassing to see him wander around Loughborough in it and so we are going to ask for it back.” Ian Stewart, UKA’s Endurance Director refused to take responsibility for the gaffe, instead arguing that the vest was handed out under a different administration. Speaking from Monte Carlo, Stewart said, “we are toughening everything up now. [International] vests will only be handed out for worthy athletes from now on.” It is not known whether Matthews’ name will be expunged from the record books, but UKA chiefs said they were “ruling nothing out”.

This news comes at the end of a difficult week for the now former GB International. In an ill-fated attempt to win a 2km rep at the start of a track session, Matthews badly damaged his Achilles tendon and could be out for “some days” according to Loughborough insiders. Then today, labelled a ‘key tanning day’ by the red head, he lost valuable ground to Seb Foy in the Loughborough Tanning Championships. “Foy’s flying at the moment,” said an observer, “he lost track of time this afternoon and so lay in the sun for over four hours.”

UKA have refused to rule out demanding the return of other international vests stretching as far back as 1990. It is rumoured that a letter will be despatched to Paula Radcliffe asking for her Olympic vests from Athens 2004 and Beijing 2008 to be sent back to the BOA. A well-placed source said, “these vests should mean something and when I see Paula in the local supermarket wearing the Athens tracksuit it brings back horrible memories.”

PORTUGAL LATEST.....

ATHLETE HAS ‘BELOW PAR’ SESSION SHOCK

A Loughborough-based athlete has not performed as he expected to in a recent Portugal training session, the Lufbra Echo can now reveal. The news has broken despite an attempt by Loughborough and UKA chiefs to block it. In a special sitting, the High Court yesterday threw out an injunction request as the story was deemed to be “in the public interest”. The so far unnamed athlete is believed to have been “roughly half a second” down on the projected splits for a track workout. Insiders have confirmed that special UKA track measurers are being flown to Portugal to re-measure the track in question. An LSAC source told the Echo, “we are all very worried and so have to make sure. The athlete is of course receiving the best care and attention we can provide until we can clear up this mess.” Other potential causes of the setback being mooted include climate change, excessive noise pollution on the track, and even an allegation that the athlete’s food had been spiked by St. Mary’s operatives the night before. Our source added that the athlete in question would remain in hospital “as a precaution” until the affair was resolved. David Howe, part of the Loughborough coaching team, denied that the athlete was one of his personal charges, but did not rule out switching venues if a similar incident was to occur again. “It’s crazy,” said Howe, “everything’s currently on hold and we are considering our options.”

DONALDSON HAILS ‘FLAWLESS’ HODGES

Alasdair Donaldson used his Sunday press conference to heap praise on under-fire LSAC Chair, Rob Hodges. The 1500m specialist was soundly beaten in a recent all-you-can-eat contest and rumours have surfaced that he has been oiling his chest in a dramatic bid to out-tan Ben Green. The Kingston-upon-Hull star has revealed that recent events have taken their toll on him “physically and emotionally”. However, Donaldson had nothing but praise for the 22 year-old. “Rob was absolutely outstanding at the karaoke last night,” enthused the Scot, “he was note perfect throughout and I thought that the performance has a real edge to it.” Hodges said that yesterday evening was “a step in the right direction” but conceded that he still had work to do. “I don’t want to be complacent,” said the former AU Presidential Candidate, “I wasn’t happy with some of the high notes and I am still a little bit out of my depth when it comes to dancing.”

MATTHEWS TITLE CHALLENGE SUFFERS ‘MAJOR BLOW’

Pete Matthews’ tanning title ambitions seem to be in taters this morning after he inadvertently sat in the shade during a conversation with his brother yesterday afternoon. The former AAAs U17 Indoor 1500m Bronze medallist conceded that the race for the crown was now “out of his hands”, but had some firm words for the officials. “No one told me that I was not in direct sunlight,” stormed the injury-prone star, “my interpretation of the rules is that the independent observer should point these things out. I wasted a whole bottle of tanning oil as well- it’s very poor.” The Blackburn man refused to rule himself out of the most exciting title race in years. “I lost a lot of ground yesterday, but this is a funny old game and anyone can slip up at any time. I feel sure there will be a few twists and turns yet.” The one-time GB International (Mountain Running) has already suffered a set-back once this season when he was deducted half a tanning grade for using manufactured enhancers. This latest blunder now seems to open the door for experienced names such as Ben Green, Chris Parr and Ed Womersley.

PORTUGAL ROUND-UP

With the country still reeling from "the biggest influx of endurance athletes in the history of the world", the Lufbra Echo looks at the day's big stories....

MAJESTIC MACQUARRIE STUNS GREEN TO TAKE ALL YOU CAN EAT CROWN

“The real winner was the sport,” enthused observers of yesterday evening’s All You Can Eat Carvery Contest. David Macquarrie was quite simply superb. Having already devoured “a mountain” of his own food- the Leeds man then moved on to Ben Green’s half eaten sprouts and Yorkshire puddings. Speaking to the Lufbra Echo after the event, Macquarrie told of “a long road” back to form since being humiliated in Loughborough’s Jaffa Cake Challenge last year. “It was tough,” said the new champion, “I had to ask myself whether this was the sport for me....I had some really dark moments.” Those dark moments were clearly behind him yesterday as, after a “tactical” false start, he kicked away from established names such as Shane Kerr and Rob Hodges. No one can deny that such brilliance is just the shot in the arm the sport needed after a string of negative headlines in recent weeks. The turgid affair that was Paul Walker’s Jaffa Cake victory, followed by allegations surrounding James Griffiths “soaking” biscuits before competitions, has done little for the image of eating contests. “It’s a great day for us all,” said the Chair of UK Eating (UKE), “we can certainly build on this success and perhaps attract a better deal from Sky Sports next year.”

It was not all good news, however. Rob Hodges, venturing back to competition for the first time since failing in his ‘Dairy Milk Challenge’ last year, was unable to rediscover the form that saw him down two medium pizzas in one sitting. In truth, it was a disappointing outing from the outgoing LSAC Chair, who was unable to even match Stephen ‘sensible’ Emery’s six roast potatoes. Hodges headed straight into his warm down after the competition and his spokesman said that he would not be giving any interviews.

HOWE ‘WILL NOT APOLOGISE’ OVER SPIT-GATE

David Howe has been accused of “despicable behaviour” after he was spotted spitting at one of his top athletes. The male athlete, who has asked not be named, told the Echo that he was “traumatised” by the insult. “I want to stand up to this bullying,” said the anonymous source, “but I am afraid that it will jeopardise my place in LSAC’s team”. However, the Canadian born Howe was unrepentant. Claiming that he has “no recollection” of the incident, he accused his charge of being “a pussy”. “There are some guys who just need to toughen up a bit; this is why British running is going to the wall.” When asked whether he will be sitting down to discuss the incident with the athlete, Howe refused to commit to any course of action. “It’s about him and not me....this isn’t really the place for personal discussions”. A spokesman for LSAC did confirm that "a certain athlete" was receiving counselling after an "unfortunate incident" during yesterday's training. It is rumoured (although not confirmed) that the athlete involved is demanding an immediate apology as well as a new pair of trainers as he "cannot even look at" the pair he wore during the run in dispute.

GANDY CONCEDES APRIL FOOLS PRANK ‘WENT TOO FAR’

George Gandy will travel to Lisbon tomorrow to offer a “full and unqualified apology” to the Portuguese Government after sparking mass panic in the country by telling a police officer that the Spanish were about to invade. Portuguese media broke into normal coverage to warn country-folk to stock up on “water and other essentials” in order to prepare for a “long and bloody conflict.” Portugal’s special forces were also placed on standby as senior government officials were rushed into war bunkers. Queues outside supermarkets were said to exceed an hour’s wait and retailers quickly ran out of eggs, milk, bottled water and Christiano Ronaldo calendars. Said one Vilamoura resident, “it’s crazy. I only went in to pick up some baby oil for my three-month old, but there are a group of sprinters here and they’ve got it all.” Gandy is said to have approached the officer early yesterday morning after being egged on by Canadian assistant, David Howe. It is believed that Howe, who maintains that he “was only kidding”, went for a run after making the suggestion and was appalled to discover that the LSAC Director had gone through with it on his return. An insider described “a blazing row” between the pair that ended with Howe hiding Gandy’s hair gel.