Usain Bolt's sister's friend's mother's hairdresser's father was born and raised in Essex, opening up the possibility of the triple Olympic Champion competing for Great Britain at next year's London Games. It is understood that Bolt is "hugely excited" at the potential switch and fourteen members of UKA staff are "working flat out" to make it happen. This news comes after the likes of Tiffany Ofili-Porter and Shara Proctor conveniently discovered long lost relatives from the British Isles. 'Operation Get Bolt' as it has become know at Athletics House is a division of the 'Foreign Athlete Recruitment Team' (Codename FART) in the organisation.
Bolt has refused to comment on the story publicly, but an insider told the echo that the star has already switched from chicken nuggets and chips to fish and chips as a pre-race meal. "It was like he was born to be British, which of course technically speaking he is" enthused the source. Preparations were said to have suffered a set-back last week when Bolt was seen in "deep conversation" with the Pope sparking rumours that he was about to switch to becoming Italian. "We sent a memo reassuring him that Catholics were more than welcome on these shores" said a UKA worker "and I have it good authority that Mr Bolt doesn't much care for spaghetti".
Showing posts with label Bolt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bolt. Show all posts
Monday, 20 June 2011
Saturday, 14 May 2011
MANCHESTER CITY GAMES NEWS
Ahead of this weekend's big event in the London of the North, the lufbra echo excites in the build up
OHURUOGU 'FORGETS' TO PAY FOR PARKING
The Olympic 400m Champion has been slapped with a £70.00 fine by Manchester City Council after failing to pay and display during a shopping trip. It is understood that Ohuruogu will appeal the fine on the grounds that she had to "change her shopping plans at the last minute" and "with all the other stress of being an athlete" shouldn't be expected to remember to pay for parking her 4x4 with blacked out windows.
CHAMBERS BANNED FROM ENTERING 'THE NORTH'
Belgrave's Dwain Chambers has been asked not to venture north of the Watford Gap this weekend on the grounds that he may bring adverse publicity to an event designed to laud the success of Track & Field. It is understood that the sprint king successfully appealed an action from the organisers to ask him to leave the country. Greek sprint darling Katerina Thanou is a guest at tonight's gala dinner.
GEB WARNED AFTER PUSHING OVER GAY
Haile Gebrsalassie has been sanctioned by UK Athletics after attempting to push Tyson Gay into the Manchester Canal during a photo-shoot. The marathon world record holder reduced Gay to tears after repeated taunts about his inability to beat Usain Bolt. An insider revealed that the Ethiopian "told Tyson that even Bolt was a part timer and still much better than him. It was then that he pushed him over but he didn't quite fall in the canal". UKA held a private meeting between the two parties but refused to elaborate on what action - if any - would be taken.
24 HOUR SECURITY PROMISED AFTER THEFT
The 150m straight track was stolen by some visiting Liverpudlians, the lufbra echo can reveal. It is understood that the group - thought to be associated with Liverpool Harriers and led by Johnny Mellor - rolled the track up and put in the back of a Vauxhaull Astra estate (1.6l, XXXL exhaust, no hubcaps). Officials have condemned the theft and stated that David Oliver had now been placed on permanent guard of the new track.
OHURUOGU 'FORGETS' TO PAY FOR PARKING
The Olympic 400m Champion has been slapped with a £70.00 fine by Manchester City Council after failing to pay and display during a shopping trip. It is understood that Ohuruogu will appeal the fine on the grounds that she had to "change her shopping plans at the last minute" and "with all the other stress of being an athlete" shouldn't be expected to remember to pay for parking her 4x4 with blacked out windows.
CHAMBERS BANNED FROM ENTERING 'THE NORTH'
Belgrave's Dwain Chambers has been asked not to venture north of the Watford Gap this weekend on the grounds that he may bring adverse publicity to an event designed to laud the success of Track & Field. It is understood that the sprint king successfully appealed an action from the organisers to ask him to leave the country. Greek sprint darling Katerina Thanou is a guest at tonight's gala dinner.
GEB WARNED AFTER PUSHING OVER GAY
Haile Gebrsalassie has been sanctioned by UK Athletics after attempting to push Tyson Gay into the Manchester Canal during a photo-shoot. The marathon world record holder reduced Gay to tears after repeated taunts about his inability to beat Usain Bolt. An insider revealed that the Ethiopian "told Tyson that even Bolt was a part timer and still much better than him. It was then that he pushed him over but he didn't quite fall in the canal". UKA held a private meeting between the two parties but refused to elaborate on what action - if any - would be taken.
24 HOUR SECURITY PROMISED AFTER THEFT
The 150m straight track was stolen by some visiting Liverpudlians, the lufbra echo can reveal. It is understood that the group - thought to be associated with Liverpool Harriers and led by Johnny Mellor - rolled the track up and put in the back of a Vauxhaull Astra estate (1.6l, XXXL exhaust, no hubcaps). Officials have condemned the theft and stated that David Oliver had now been placed on permanent guard of the new track.
Thursday, 20 May 2010
NEWS IN BRIEF
GIRO CYCLIST TESTS NEGATIVE SHOCK
An unnamed cyclist has returned a negative ‘A’ Sample, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The top level competitor returned the test after Stage Six of the Giro d’Italia, but the authorities are awaiting the results of the ‘B’ Sample before naming him. “Obviously this is a shock,” said a cycling insider, “this sport has built its reputation a string of failed tests and corruption. Incidents like this only serve to give the public a mixed message.” The news of the test result has sent shockwaves through the entire world of sport, with many sporting chiefs calling for a “fundamental overhaul” of testing procedure. A senior source at the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) said that a “culture of fear” now existed within the organisation. “We can’t go on like this,” he explained, “if athletes keep passing tests, it is only a matter of time before the public start losing interest and then we’ll all be out of job.” A spokesman for the Tour de France said that he was “unconcerned” by this morning’s revelations. “I am pretty confident the Tour will have its usual share of drug scandals,” said an aide to the Tour supremo, “we’re bound to get the occasional blip, but on the whole cycling still remains the dirtiest sport in the world and I am certain that it will stay that way.” Today’s news comes just weeks after Alberto Contador stunned team mates by confessing that he “got no artificial help” during last year’s Tour victory. Officials at Astana [Contador’s team] have maintained that the Spaniard was “just letting off steam” and most certainly was not on the record. A source continued, “Vino [Alexander Vinokourov, who failed a blood test in 2008] is back this year anyway and so our reputation as a corrupt team in a corrupt sport should remain intact.”
BEKELE HAS ‘SWEET PROBLEM’
He may be the fastest 5,000m and 10,000m runner of all time, but in an exclusive interview with the Lufbra Echo, close friends of Kenenisa Bekele have conceded that they are “gravely concerned” about his sweet eating habits. “I have known of Ken for a few months now,” said one respondent, “and he always looks very defensive of his sweets.....Haribo seem to be a particular problem.” Another outsider said, “Kenny loves the sour cola bottles and has been known to eat a whole packet in one sitting....that would explain why he suffers with such bad dental health.” Rumours have been circulating around the athletics world for some time regarding the great man’s oral hygiene and these revelations look set to blow the lid on his dark secret. “Why do you think he never smiles?” asked a London-based stranger, “I’ll tell you why- it’s because his front teeth are rotting.” Others have told of how they have pleaded with the Ethiopian to seek help for his addiction. “I have sent several letters to Athletics Ethiopia,” said Tunbridge Wells mother of three, Iva Nojob, “I really think that it is an issue they should be addressing- he isn’t being a very good role model.” Meanwhile, a friend of a lady whose sister once met Bekele’s brother’s friend’s uncle said, “Ken is very much his own man and it is down to him to realise he has a problem and sort it out. I can tell you for sure that no amount of coaxing from me or anyone else will change that stubborn mind”.
2012 IN THE MIRE AS MANDEVILLE FALLS OUT WITH WENLOCK
FURY: Mandeville claims not to have been told about Wenlock prior to launch day
Lord Sebastian Coe was hastily attempting to get preparations for London 2012 back on track this evening, after the two mascots have had what has been described as a “major contretemps”. It is thought that Mandeville (the Paralympics mascot) struck his/her Olympic counterpart in a debate over who looked the most tacky. The former is said to be seething that Wenlock has been allocated “more wristbands” and has called the move “discrimination of the highest order.” The Oxford educated Mandeville claims to have only been informed that he/she was to appear as part of a double act at the “very last minute.” A spokesperson for the Mascot Affairs Directorate (MAD) said, “we have seen similar issues in the past. I know that Zakumi [the FIFA World Cup 2010 mascot] successfully appealed a decision to involve him in a shotgun marriage. It may well be that a similar thing happens here. People need to remember that these guys work very hard for limited pay- they have feelings.” Berlino the Bear (IAAF World Championships in Athletics 2009 mascot) has expressed sympathy with Mandeville’s plight. Speaking from his retirement home in the Caribbean, Berlino said “sometimes it’s tough to share the stage with someone. I found it tough when Usain Bolt raced because everyone would shout ‘Usain, Usain, Usain’ when they would normally be shouting for me.” Berlino also dismissed allegations that featured in several of this morning’s newspapers that he was having an affair with Wenlock. “Utter nonsense,” said the bear, “it’s sad when a career like mine can be tarnished by gutter press.”
An unnamed cyclist has returned a negative ‘A’ Sample, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The top level competitor returned the test after Stage Six of the Giro d’Italia, but the authorities are awaiting the results of the ‘B’ Sample before naming him. “Obviously this is a shock,” said a cycling insider, “this sport has built its reputation a string of failed tests and corruption. Incidents like this only serve to give the public a mixed message.” The news of the test result has sent shockwaves through the entire world of sport, with many sporting chiefs calling for a “fundamental overhaul” of testing procedure. A senior source at the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) said that a “culture of fear” now existed within the organisation. “We can’t go on like this,” he explained, “if athletes keep passing tests, it is only a matter of time before the public start losing interest and then we’ll all be out of job.” A spokesman for the Tour de France said that he was “unconcerned” by this morning’s revelations. “I am pretty confident the Tour will have its usual share of drug scandals,” said an aide to the Tour supremo, “we’re bound to get the occasional blip, but on the whole cycling still remains the dirtiest sport in the world and I am certain that it will stay that way.” Today’s news comes just weeks after Alberto Contador stunned team mates by confessing that he “got no artificial help” during last year’s Tour victory. Officials at Astana [Contador’s team] have maintained that the Spaniard was “just letting off steam” and most certainly was not on the record. A source continued, “Vino [Alexander Vinokourov, who failed a blood test in 2008] is back this year anyway and so our reputation as a corrupt team in a corrupt sport should remain intact.”
BEKELE HAS ‘SWEET PROBLEM’
He may be the fastest 5,000m and 10,000m runner of all time, but in an exclusive interview with the Lufbra Echo, close friends of Kenenisa Bekele have conceded that they are “gravely concerned” about his sweet eating habits. “I have known of Ken for a few months now,” said one respondent, “and he always looks very defensive of his sweets.....Haribo seem to be a particular problem.” Another outsider said, “Kenny loves the sour cola bottles and has been known to eat a whole packet in one sitting....that would explain why he suffers with such bad dental health.” Rumours have been circulating around the athletics world for some time regarding the great man’s oral hygiene and these revelations look set to blow the lid on his dark secret. “Why do you think he never smiles?” asked a London-based stranger, “I’ll tell you why- it’s because his front teeth are rotting.” Others have told of how they have pleaded with the Ethiopian to seek help for his addiction. “I have sent several letters to Athletics Ethiopia,” said Tunbridge Wells mother of three, Iva Nojob, “I really think that it is an issue they should be addressing- he isn’t being a very good role model.” Meanwhile, a friend of a lady whose sister once met Bekele’s brother’s friend’s uncle said, “Ken is very much his own man and it is down to him to realise he has a problem and sort it out. I can tell you for sure that no amount of coaxing from me or anyone else will change that stubborn mind”.
2012 IN THE MIRE AS MANDEVILLE FALLS OUT WITH WENLOCK
FURY: Mandeville claims not to have been told about Wenlock prior to launch day
Lord Sebastian Coe was hastily attempting to get preparations for London 2012 back on track this evening, after the two mascots have had what has been described as a “major contretemps”. It is thought that Mandeville (the Paralympics mascot) struck his/her Olympic counterpart in a debate over who looked the most tacky. The former is said to be seething that Wenlock has been allocated “more wristbands” and has called the move “discrimination of the highest order.” The Oxford educated Mandeville claims to have only been informed that he/she was to appear as part of a double act at the “very last minute.” A spokesperson for the Mascot Affairs Directorate (MAD) said, “we have seen similar issues in the past. I know that Zakumi [the FIFA World Cup 2010 mascot] successfully appealed a decision to involve him in a shotgun marriage. It may well be that a similar thing happens here. People need to remember that these guys work very hard for limited pay- they have feelings.” Berlino the Bear (IAAF World Championships in Athletics 2009 mascot) has expressed sympathy with Mandeville’s plight. Speaking from his retirement home in the Caribbean, Berlino said “sometimes it’s tough to share the stage with someone. I found it tough when Usain Bolt raced because everyone would shout ‘Usain, Usain, Usain’ when they would normally be shouting for me.” Berlino also dismissed allegations that featured in several of this morning’s newspapers that he was having an affair with Wenlock. “Utter nonsense,” said the bear, “it’s sad when a career like mine can be tarnished by gutter press.”
Saturday, 15 May 2010
COE SET TO WIELD AXE AS TORY CUTS START TO BITE
Sebastian Coe has today revealed the 2012 Games “will not and should not” be exempt from the forthcoming public service cuts set out by the new Conservative Government. Speaking from a press conference outside Downing Street (where he had met with Dave and/or Nick), his Lordship conceded that plans were already falling into place. “We cannot kid ourselves,” said William Hague’s former ‘Chief of Staff’, “the public purse is in a mess and it is our responsibility to do something about it”. Coe refused to be drawn on speculation surrounding where the cuts would be made, but the Lufbra Echo yesterday revealed that the former world record holder was “seriously thinking about” opting for a grass track in order to make the Olympics “greener”. An insider told this morning how Coe and the LOCOG board had “been shopping in Wilkinson’s” in search of a cheap set of medals. “Lord Coe is hoping that by buying in bulk we will save a packet,” said one of the Lord’s senior aides, “he’s really quite set on the idea.”
Meanwhile, other sources have leaked news that the one hundred metres may be reduced to 95 in order to save some money. “This is a 5% reduction,” enthused a BOA insider, “and we have not ruled out downsizing other events. I know that there is a general feeling that the marathon is too long anyway- we’re thinking about just saying the winner of the London Marathon [in April] is the Olympic Champion- it will save a lot of hassle.” It also looks certain that “almost all” the women’s Track and Field events will be cancelled. Our source went on, “would you really miss them? We sat in Beijing and thought ‘what a waste of time!’ They’re slower and duller than the men....most aren’t even that attractive”.
Downing Street also refused to deny speculation that the Government was set to cancel the Olympics altogether. A story set to be printed in a Sunday newspaper reveals how the new administration is “looking to postpone the Games to a more economically convenient time.” A Whitehall source said, “telephone calls have been made. We have looked at trying to loan the Games out to some other country that has loads of money. Like Greece, for example”.
It was confirmed last week that plans to have Dame Kelly Holmes present some of the medals were scrapped after the great Dame demanded a £300,000 payment per medal as well as helicopter transport to and from each ceremony. It is thought that the incoming Culture Minister, Jeremy Hunt (who was a Conservative at the time of writing), was fuming when he discovered such an astronomical sum was being mooted. Hunt has also vetoed demands by Usain Bolt that there be “a chicken nugget outlet on every corner” on the grounds that it was extortionate.
It seems that Bolt will not be the only athlete to be disappointed with the feeding arrangements. Newly appointed Prime Minister David Cameron (and/or Nick Clegg, delete as appropriate) has indicated that it is likely that ASDA will provide “two meals a day, maximum” for each athlete. Horrified by the thought of having to eat such rubbish, Andrew Lemoncello has “ruled himself out” of the Games. A Lemoncello source said, “Andrew is clear on this- ASDA’s green colours naturally offend him and the Olympics really isn’t that high on his list of priorities anyway”.
Elsewhere, Ryanair has been confirmed as the “Official Airline” of the 2012 Olympics.
Meanwhile, other sources have leaked news that the one hundred metres may be reduced to 95 in order to save some money. “This is a 5% reduction,” enthused a BOA insider, “and we have not ruled out downsizing other events. I know that there is a general feeling that the marathon is too long anyway- we’re thinking about just saying the winner of the London Marathon [in April] is the Olympic Champion- it will save a lot of hassle.” It also looks certain that “almost all” the women’s Track and Field events will be cancelled. Our source went on, “would you really miss them? We sat in Beijing and thought ‘what a waste of time!’ They’re slower and duller than the men....most aren’t even that attractive”.
Downing Street also refused to deny speculation that the Government was set to cancel the Olympics altogether. A story set to be printed in a Sunday newspaper reveals how the new administration is “looking to postpone the Games to a more economically convenient time.” A Whitehall source said, “telephone calls have been made. We have looked at trying to loan the Games out to some other country that has loads of money. Like Greece, for example”.
It was confirmed last week that plans to have Dame Kelly Holmes present some of the medals were scrapped after the great Dame demanded a £300,000 payment per medal as well as helicopter transport to and from each ceremony. It is thought that the incoming Culture Minister, Jeremy Hunt (who was a Conservative at the time of writing), was fuming when he discovered such an astronomical sum was being mooted. Hunt has also vetoed demands by Usain Bolt that there be “a chicken nugget outlet on every corner” on the grounds that it was extortionate.
It seems that Bolt will not be the only athlete to be disappointed with the feeding arrangements. Newly appointed Prime Minister David Cameron (and/or Nick Clegg, delete as appropriate) has indicated that it is likely that ASDA will provide “two meals a day, maximum” for each athlete. Horrified by the thought of having to eat such rubbish, Andrew Lemoncello has “ruled himself out” of the Games. A Lemoncello source said, “Andrew is clear on this- ASDA’s green colours naturally offend him and the Olympics really isn’t that high on his list of priorities anyway”.
Elsewhere, Ryanair has been confirmed as the “Official Airline” of the 2012 Olympics.
Friday, 23 April 2010
MERRITT ACCEPTS GUILT IN ENHANCEMENT FOUL-UP
LaShawn Merritt, the disgraced 400m Olympic and World Champion has conceded that he “did a dumb ass thing” but has hit out at what he calls the “stupidly tight” USA team kit. Merritt tested positive on three separate occasions for an illegal steroid which he claims was in an over the counter “male enhancement” drug. Whilst the star said he would accept “any punishment” handed down, he pleaded for clemency on the grounds of “complex personal issues”. “It’s alright for the likes of Usain [Bolt] and Tyson [Gay], they don’t have anything to be ashamed of,” said a stricken Merritt from a press conference in New York, “but those suits really highlight the fallibility of someone like myself...I wanted to wear jogging shorts but they [USATF] wouldn’t allow it.” The 400m star now faces a two year suspension and the prospect of having his reputation sullied for the rest of his career.
The American spoke of a “bullying culture” in the athletics locker rooms around the globe. “The Golden Leagues were the worst,” explained Merritt, “Jeremy Wariner laughed in my face prior to my race in Paris- he called me mini-Merritt and that gets to you after a while. The truth is that I have had to put up with it since High School.” The Olympic Champion also spoke of the “other options” that he looked at before resorting to medication. “I tried to stick a sock down there for the 4x400m in Beijing- but then Martyn Rooney just called me socky-Shawn. As I was about to race I would shout ‘go sock it to ‘em Shawn’ and that was too much. I had to act.” It has also been revealed that surgical enhancement was ruled out due to “proportionality”. The athlete went on, “I only really wanted an increase in girth and length of around 3-5%. Surgery would have led to at least a 15% increase and that would have been very noticeable as well as uncomfortable....it would also have left me unable to race for six to seven months.”
Merritt’s revelations are bad news for another convicted dopester, Justin Gatlin. The former 100m Olympic Champion famously claimed that he tested positive after a wayward masseuse rubbed “testosterone gel” into his enlarged quadriceps. Gatlin’s representatives were remaining coy this morning, but did reveal that they felt their charge’s title for “best excuse” was under threat. “I think we all thought it would be a very long time before we had an excuse to rival Justin’s. LaShawn has shown originality and we have to respect that.” It is not known whether Gatlin will come up with another reason for his doping misdemeanours but “nothing has been ruled out” by his camp. “Justin is a proud man. Everyone respected him for his doping excuses and now they are talking about someone else. That’s sport and we now need to figure out how to respond to it.”
Closer to home, British starlet James Desaolu has bemoaned Merritt’s behaviour as a “major blow” to male athletes around the world. “It’s a vanity thing,” stormed the Loughborough based man, “we all looked at LaShawn and thought ‘there’s a guy who is small and proud’. We can’t do that anymore and that’s really sad.” Action groups across the country have also condemned Merritt’s actions saying that they fear an uptake in artificial enhancement. A spokesman for The Institute of Testicular Care and Happiness (TITCH) said, “we are what we are and we should be happy with that. What we don’t want is hundreds and thousands of young men resorting to these measures. Anyone with any fears should log on to www.sizeisnteverything.com.” Meanwhile the BBC have not ruled out raising the issue at the final Prime Ministerial debate to be held next Thursday. A Corporation insider said, “we can’t deny that size does matter and it would be interesting to get the leaders’ take on that.” The Liberal Democrat and Conservative Parties both refused to comment when contacted today, but Gordon Brown’s spokesman said that it was a “pertinent point that needed addressing.”
Merritt, meanwhile has pledged that we will be back in competition after his ban. “I am going to run for smaller gentlemen everywhere,” he said, “I have let them all down and so will prove that you don’t have to be big to win.”
Thursday, 25 March 2010
NEWS ROUND-UP
The Lufbra Echo rounds up all that has been going down in the world of athletics in the past 48 hours
WORLD CROSS COURSE TO BE ALTERED
The course at this weekend's World Cross Country Championships will be changed after African federations complained that it was "too interesting". The IAAF held a crisis meeting late last night to discuss the issue and have apologised for the blunder. "We realise now that the Africans cannot be expected to run over muddy courses," said a spokesman, "in the spirit of all previous events we will now be running the races on a flat, mud-free field that has been kept under cover for the entire winter. We would like to express our sincere apologies for the distress that we have caused Mr. Bekele and all his fellow athletes."
BOLT IN PLANE SCARE
World 100 and 200m world record holder, Usain Bolt has been hailed as a hero after he took control of a Jamaican Airlines Boeing 737 just minutes before it was about to plunge into the ocean. The sprint ace was flying home from a training trip in the US when both of the pilots reacted badly to some marijuana that they had been smoking. Bolt (who is also a qualified doctor, lawyer and all round great guy who is doing his best for the sport and we should appreciate that) strolled into the cockpit and landed the aircraft safely. A spokesman praised Bolt's bravery but also said that he showed poor sportsmanship, "he could be heard celebrating on the radio before the wheels had hit the tarmac," said the source, "and afterwards he didn't shake any one's hand- just did a strange dance."
TWELL 'GOING OFF THE RAILS': INSIDER
Stephanie Twell, the "new Paula Radcliffe" (after Emily Pidgeon but before Charlotte Purdue and Emelia Gorecka) has been seen throwing full bottles of beetroot juice out of her home, sources have revealed. It is also rumoured that the distance hope has been cooking her broccoli before eating it and not wearing her Garmin when doing tempo runs. An insider at Twell's St. Mary's base told of how coach Mick Woods was "gravely concerned". "Steph couldn't even complete her track session of 100x400m with 30 seconds recovery yesterday," he said, "and she only called Mick 8 times on Monday....it's a sorry state of affairs." These revelations come just days after Woods was left reeling by the news that Andy Vernon had eaten a sandwich with butter in it. A close friend of the fiery Aldershot coach said, "Mick is keeping his chin up and hoping his guys and girls will do the business in Poland [at the World Cross]".
ATHLETE QUITS SPORT AFTER SOMEONE 'WASN'T VERY NICE' TO HIM
A long distance runner who has asked to remain nameless has walked away from the sport because some people were critical of his training patterns. The male athlete, who ran 375 miles per week, said "it was awful- I was warming down from a race and some guy came up to me and said 'I think you might be over training'. I was so hurt that I couldn't even finish my 24 mile cool down." The promising youngster, who also claims to have excelled at rugby, football, sailing, chess, cricket, diving, swimming, darts and archery was critical of the fact that he had to pay to use his local track "like normal people". "It was outrageous," said the former star, "how dare they treat me like that. I had to pay for food as well, you know!"
'IAMLUFRBA' LAUNCHED
IAMGOINGTOGETMYSPACEBARFIXEDLATERTODAY
IAMGOINGTOSPENDMONEYBEINGPROUDOFMYUNIVERSITY
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IAMHUNGRY
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IAMLUFBRA
WORLD CROSS COURSE TO BE ALTERED
The course at this weekend's World Cross Country Championships will be changed after African federations complained that it was "too interesting". The IAAF held a crisis meeting late last night to discuss the issue and have apologised for the blunder. "We realise now that the Africans cannot be expected to run over muddy courses," said a spokesman, "in the spirit of all previous events we will now be running the races on a flat, mud-free field that has been kept under cover for the entire winter. We would like to express our sincere apologies for the distress that we have caused Mr. Bekele and all his fellow athletes."
BOLT IN PLANE SCARE
World 100 and 200m world record holder, Usain Bolt has been hailed as a hero after he took control of a Jamaican Airlines Boeing 737 just minutes before it was about to plunge into the ocean. The sprint ace was flying home from a training trip in the US when both of the pilots reacted badly to some marijuana that they had been smoking. Bolt (who is also a qualified doctor, lawyer and all round great guy who is doing his best for the sport and we should appreciate that) strolled into the cockpit and landed the aircraft safely. A spokesman praised Bolt's bravery but also said that he showed poor sportsmanship, "he could be heard celebrating on the radio before the wheels had hit the tarmac," said the source, "and afterwards he didn't shake any one's hand- just did a strange dance."
TWELL 'GOING OFF THE RAILS': INSIDER
Stephanie Twell, the "new Paula Radcliffe" (after Emily Pidgeon but before Charlotte Purdue and Emelia Gorecka) has been seen throwing full bottles of beetroot juice out of her home, sources have revealed. It is also rumoured that the distance hope has been cooking her broccoli before eating it and not wearing her Garmin when doing tempo runs. An insider at Twell's St. Mary's base told of how coach Mick Woods was "gravely concerned". "Steph couldn't even complete her track session of 100x400m with 30 seconds recovery yesterday," he said, "and she only called Mick 8 times on Monday....it's a sorry state of affairs." These revelations come just days after Woods was left reeling by the news that Andy Vernon had eaten a sandwich with butter in it. A close friend of the fiery Aldershot coach said, "Mick is keeping his chin up and hoping his guys and girls will do the business in Poland [at the World Cross]".
ATHLETE QUITS SPORT AFTER SOMEONE 'WASN'T VERY NICE' TO HIM
A long distance runner who has asked to remain nameless has walked away from the sport because some people were critical of his training patterns. The male athlete, who ran 375 miles per week, said "it was awful- I was warming down from a race and some guy came up to me and said 'I think you might be over training'. I was so hurt that I couldn't even finish my 24 mile cool down." The promising youngster, who also claims to have excelled at rugby, football, sailing, chess, cricket, diving, swimming, darts and archery was critical of the fact that he had to pay to use his local track "like normal people". "It was outrageous," said the former star, "how dare they treat me like that. I had to pay for food as well, you know!"
'IAMLUFRBA' LAUNCHED
IAMGOINGTOGETMYSPACEBARFIXEDLATERTODAY
IAMGOINGTOSPENDMONEYBEINGPROUDOFMYUNIVERSITY
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IAMHUNGRY
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IAMLUFBRA
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