RADCLIFFE 'EMBARRASSED' BY LONDON SLUMP

Paula Radcliffe blamed "everything but myself" as she tearfully explained one of the "most humiliating performances" of her career. The World Marathon record holder said that she was "disgusted" at being beaten by "nobody Jo Pavey" and conceded that she "had never heard of" Gemma Steele who pipped her to second place. The multi-millionaire sobbed into BBC microphones as she explained how injury continued to hamper her performances, but had firm words too for race winner Jo Pavey.

"I thought she [Pavey] showed a lack of class at the start" said Radcliffe "she told me that the swoosh on her Nike kit was bigger than mine because Nike preferred her to me. It's really disappointing when someone treats you like that, very poor." Radcliffe was also left frustrated when her fans did not seem to recognise her. So long has it been since she last ran a race in anger, the former World Champion was accosted at the start by hundreds of Harry Potter fans who had confused her with star actor, Daniel Radcliffe. The excitable group of teenage girls were none too happy when they realised that the Radcliffe on show was not their bespectacled hero, but "some blonde woman who kept waving at us".

Radcliffe refused to rule out the possibility of competing at "the next three Olympics" but did admit that she "had lots of work to do". "Clearly 250 miles a week isn't enough, because I always seem to be injured on that" sobbed the mother of two "I am going to double it and that should help. I just hope that something crazy doesn't happen that will force me to blame everything else for my world caving in again." Radcliffe will be 38 in December.

EDWARDS COY ON TORCH BEARER ROLE

Jonathan Edwards has said that he would be "honoured" to light the Olympic torch at next year's London Olympics. The announcement comes just days after Dame Kelly Holmes launched her own bid to become the flame bearer under the strapline DK to Shoot Up. Holmes, who says that she is "the clear choice", told her On Camp With Kelly group that they must "forget about" their summer seasons and spend their time "hitting Facebook, Twitter and everything else" to get the bid going. Holmes is understood to count Edwards amongst her key rivals.

"I'm not saying that I'm putting myself forward" Edwards told Radio Five Live "but it would be a real honour. I know that Seb [His Lordship, Sebastian Newbold Coe] and I go way back and it would be nice to think that loyalty is repaid - not that I'm interested". The Triple Jump World Record holder - whom the echo revealed to be a twerp last year - dismissed a suggestion that fellow BBC commentator Steve Cram could be in with a shout: "it's a real shame Steve never managed to get that Olympic Gold. I guess that that is a pre-requisite".

Meanwhile, the Office of His Lordship have confirmed that they have received "a number of gifts" for the Baron in recent weeks. It is understood that Brendan Foster sent in a "selection of his favourite cakes", David Beckham provided a case of fine wine, whilst Tom Daly (the diver) sent in his favourite cuddly toy. Kelly Sotherton is believed to have emailed a video file marked "for the Lord's eyes only" as her pitch for glory.

"These bribes won't make a difference" said the Lord's Deputy Director of Being Like An Everyday Guy (North West Region) "the BBC have already stipulated that the Opening Ceremony must feature Jessica Ennis in every shot, so our hands are tied on this one. We did however really enjoy eating the chocolates that Paula Radcliffe sent in".

RADCLIFFE PULLS OUT OF RACE SHOCK

The athletics world is reeling from the news that Paula Radcliffe will not now make her competitive comeback this month. The female world record holder - who is usually very keen on racing - was set to take part in the Manchester 10k next weekend. However, the lufbra echo understands that a 'poor haircut' has put paid to that plan.

The Radcliffe camp have described the hair cut as "a major blow" to the former World Champion's chances of being fit in time for the Autumn Marathon season. A senior aide to Radcliffe said: "I'm not going to lie, it is really quite frightening to look at. Paula has had to cut right back on her training and will run just 120 miles this week. Obviously racing is out of the question until she has recovered from the dreadful shock of looking in the mirror".

It is understood that Radcliffe will fly to Germany in the morning to have the hair assessed by a world renowned specialist. Only then will a clear picture of what damage has been done be ascertained. Insiders have warned it "could be months" before the Nike star is able to race again. "It's just set back after set back" harrumphed our source "after Paula recovered from the dodgy manicure last year we thought it would be plain sailing".

COULD 'RUNNING MORE' IMPROVE PERFORMANCE?

A landmark study to be published in the Old England Journal of Medicine (OEJM) looks set to leave the athletics world reeling after it has linked "increased training volume" with performative gains. Whilst academics at the echo's favourite University of North Dunstable have stressed that the study is "not yet complete", the interim results look set to blow current approaches to athletics out of the water.

A spokesman for the popular running forum for children, Eightlane dismissed any links between running and performance. Calling the study "irresponsible", the source claimed that academics "failed to provide a single reference athlete". The anonymous insider going by the name 'Interested' added: "it is these sort of gimmicks that are derailing any hopes we have of getting British distance running great again. The best thing athletes can do is wear compression garments, eat lots of supplements, obsess about their diets and whine about other athletes on our forum. Hard training never got anyone anywhere".

The authors of the study stand by their work, with one even disputing whether the "magic necklaces" worn by the likes of Paula Radcliffe actually work. "As we have said, these are early results" stressed the Emeritus Professor "but in at least 80% of our subjects, actual training and not mystery supplements and gluten free bread resulted in positive results". The study also questioned the increasing prevalence of allergies in distance runners - stating that "up to 99% were of questionable origin".

Whether the OEJM study will ultimately win over the doubters is unclear, but with senior UKA officials scrambling to rethink their latest 'training in business attire' experiment, it may already be having an impact.

HAPLESS SNOWBALL SLAMMED OVER BUS GAFFE

As if fielding the weakest Loughborough team in a generation wasn't bad enough for Ben Snowball, the LSAC skipper now faces a mutiny from furious stars as he broke the news that the bus for BUCS would be leaving at 8:30 am. "This is beyond a joke now" thundered Gary Bradbury "you just can't run a club like this. Who does he think he is? I don't plan on being awake at 8:30 let alone on a bus. It's absolutely outrageous". Bradbury is just one of a number of athletes demanding that the departure time is put back or else they will "seriously consider" strike action.

In a bid to placate the masses, Snowball asked George Gandy's PA - Alasdair Donaldson (who does not have time to read this site) - to send out word that it is "imperative" to get the bus under way early. However, an insider told the Echo that this only exasperated matters when Donaldson made his announcement at Wednesday night circuits. "The crowd went mental" said the source "they started shouting expletives and all threw chewing gum at Alasdair. I have never seen such anger".

This is the latest in a long line of blunders from LSAC's inexperienced leader that have led to many asking whether he should be replaced ahead of the crucial season run in. Earlier this month, Paula Radcliffe called on Snowball to buck his ideas up and now Lord Sebastian Coe has added his voice to his growing list of detractors. "It's a tough job that one" said his Lordship "the fans have such expectations and I am not sure Ben is cut out for captaining such a big club. He is more suited to a mid-range team such as Oxford or Bath".

LSAC chiefs were refusing to comment last night, but rumours persist that George Gandy is lining up Stephen Emery to take over on a caretaker basis until the end of the season.

SNOWBALL MUST GET RESULTS: RADCLIFFE

Paula Radcliffe has added to the pressure mounting on LSAC Cross Country Captain Ben Snowball today by commenting that the captain's future "rests on an upturn in form". The Marathon world record holder and former Loughborough student poured scorn on Snowball's claims that he is "building for the future". "You look at the club over the past few years and it is in a bad way" said Radcliffe from the launch of her new perfume "I don't necessarily blame Ben as it is largely the quad he inherited, but with BUCS just around the corner, I think he is going to have to up his game sharpish".

Loughborough are without a win all season and whilst Snowball has pointed to "an injury crisis" many have questioned the Aldershot man's ability to handle a big club. "He came in with good credentials" continued Radcliffe "but unfortunately we haven't seen any of that yet. Some of the performances of late have been completely abject." Whilst a heavy points deduction for Birchfield Harriers looks like saving LSAC from the ignomy of relegation, the club slumped to one of their worst performances ever at Perry Barr last month evidenced by the fact that Pete Matthews was a high counter. "That is completely humiliating for a club like this" sighed Radcliffe "you look at the great history of scorers and now a hapless ginger is a key figure. It's very sad."

Snowball will be relieved to be able to call on the services of Stephen Emery - whose loan deal does not permit him to race for Loughborough in the Birmingham League - at BUCS next month. However, with the British Number One Five Miler voicing concerns about "a wasted generation" at Loughborough, all is not well. "We should have Ryan [McLeod] and so that will give us some credibility" said Emery from his weekly press conference "but it still is a bit humiliating to look at some of the contenders to be honest." Emery was speaking just days after signing a lucrative contract extension with Coventry Godiva rumoured to be worth somewhere in the region of £5m. "It was never about the money" said the 24:24 5 mile man "I think that this club can best suit my needs going forward and so I am here to stay".

Whether Ben Snowball will be allowed the same luxuries is unclear, but with a "vote of confidence" issued by George Gandy after last month's disaster the signs are not promising.

NEWS ROUND UP

RADCLIFFE MAY RUN IN RACE SHOCK
Paula Radcliffe is "considering" competing in a race, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The news has left many in the athletics world reeling from the shock with many scratching their heads trying to remember the last time she raced. "This is crazy" said one senior UKA source, "everyone knows that Paula is the best trainer in the world. Can she convert that into racing? I'm not sure." It is thought that the Monaco based star is targeting "at least one" race within the next year and whilst there are no guarantees that an appropriate contractual arrangement can be agreed, some say that a thrilling sequel could be seen in 2012.

GANDY SHELVES TRAINING AMID ICE CHAOS
George Gandy was forced to cancel organised training at Loughborough this week after his apprentice was unable to blow dry the track to safety. The Guru was left with no alternative but to make the "self operate" call despite nearly three hours of back breaking work from Alasdair Donaldson - who does not have time to read this site. Donaldson borrowed the hair dryer from great man himself and conceded that this was "probably not the best decision". David Howe, meanwhile, risked the wrath of the authorities by continuing to run his unsanctioned grass session. It is understood that the Canadian will be asked to explain himself in the coming months having repeatedly ignored a Guru Order on the matter.

The snow and ice has always been said to bring out the worst in Loughborough athletes and this year's crop did not disappoint. Leicestershire Police were despatched to attend to a distress call from Frank Baddick who had attempted to complete a training session on the icy Loughborough canal. The unwitting Baddick had fallen through the ice "half way through the fifth rep" after thinking it safer to train on there "rather than running the risk of turning an ankle" elsewhere. Calling the session "irresponsible" a spokesman for the Police confirmed that the 1500m star will make a full recovery.


OHURUOGU 'FORGETS' TO PAY FOR PETROL
Dappy 400m Olympic Champion, Christine Ohuruogu has been handed a £400 fine by the Metropolitan Police after failing to pay for petrol for the third time in 18 months. The quarter mile ace slammed the "ridiculously unworkable" system of payment at her local Esso Garage and pleaded that it had "completely slipped her mind" to pay for the fuel. "I fill up with petrol and am just focussed on getting back on the road" explained an unapologetic Ohuruogu, "there was no malice in the action and this fine is completely disproportionate." This is not the first time Ohuruogo's forgetful nature has got her into trouble. Earlier this year, the Londoner was fined after failing to put her recycling out for collection and she has been warned that any future misdemeanours could be dealt with "very severely".


ECHO CRITIC, THE HYPOCRITE?
"It's not funny....it's just weird" was one of the Echo's favourite detractors damning assessment of the hard hitting journalism we produce. Said critic was seething when an unwitting sub-editor (now retired) dared to lift a picture from his Facebook wall and use it in an article about Big Brother. Lack of respect and all that was the thunderous cry! Well, said individual should know all about respect given that his current Facebook profile picture shows him openly mocking world famous physicist, Stephen Hawking. This blog may not be funny, but we are not quite sure how a terminal illness is.

GEB: BEKELE BROTHERS FORCED ME OUT

Haile Gebrselassie has sensationally revealed the real reasons behind his shock retirement from athletics last weekend. The 27 times world record holder has told the Lufbra Echo that Kenenisa Bekele and his brother Tariku have become "entirely unworkable". Speaking just days after dropping out at 16 miles of the New York Marathon, the Ethiopian blamed a "relentless torrent" of Facebook abuse from the elder brother for his dismal showing and ultimate withdrawal. "It was on my mind all the way through and I haven't slept in months," sobbed the usually upbeat star "Ken kept tagging me in status updates saying that I was past it and Tariku has deleted me altogether."

Gebrselassie told of how "countless stars" had been in contact "begging" him to reconsider. "I've had Brendan [Foster] and Paula [Radcliffe] on Twitter saying that they much prefer me to them," said the first man to break 2:04 for the marathon "but I am not sure I can take Kenenisa hiding my spikes anymore - it's just too much". It is understood that Gebrselassie will be writing a "reveal all" memoir early next year, where he will blow the lid on the "scandalous" behaviour going on at Ethiopian training sessions.

"Kenenisa is very moody indeed," sighed the great man "one day he would be fine with you and then the next he would be upset because Arsenal lost." The younger Bekele is also rumoured to "hate" anyone who speaks ill of his brother. "I once beat Ken in a tempo run and Tariku completely lost it with me," said Gebrselassie "he pushed me on the ground drove off in his BMW X5. Later on he hacked into my Facebook and dumped my wife." Gebrselassie also said that the Ethiopian authorities were "powerless to do anything" about the increasing control exercised by the brothers. "Everyone is terrified of them. Even the Government is scared; not one member of the family pay taxes - it really is awful".

No one from the Bekele camp was available for comment this evening, but the Echo has been told to "expect a strongly worded email" from the family solicitors early next week.

NEWHAM SALE FACES HIGH COURT TEST

The sale of one of England's most successful clubs - Newham and Essex Beagles - has been thrown into chaos this evening after one of its suitors failed a fit and proper persons test. The club is saddled with £750,000,000,000 of debt and there are genuine fears that it could go into administration if it parent company fails to meet HMRC deadlines later this month. Such a move would mean an automatic 9 minute addition to any time recorded by any Newham athlete this year. It was hoped that the famous Black and Yellows would be snapped up by a rich American tycoon who had promised to release the club of its financial burden and set in motion plans to build a new stadium. However, the billionaire has been refused permission to purchase the club after caving in under questioning from UKA attack dog, Ian Stewart.

Whilst this is a sad day for a famous old club, many have said that they have seen this coming for a while. When Newham signed Frank Baddick for £30,000,000 and then proceeded to pay Mo Farah £150,000 per week (making him the second best paid athlete in the country after Paula Radcliffe), it was clear that this was no way to run a business. Prize money from the Southern Six Stage will go some way to filling the gaping whole in the club's finances but with news emerging that they have had to let Robbie Schofield's private shoe assistant go there are fresh concerns over the future.

An insider revealed that replica kit sales had been "catastrophic" this year and Asics were considering pulling the plug after years of loyal support. "It seems that Newham are not bringing in the punters overseas any more," said the source "Chris Thompson is the new international hero now and the Chinese are crazy about him. Aldershot will do well to cling on to his services." Meanwhile, Newham are left with an enormous salary bill and staring oblivion square in the face.

DOCTORS CONCERNED AT ANAEMIA ‘EPIDEMIC’

The NHS is struggling to cope with an outbreak of athletes claiming to be “anaemic”. A report in the British Medical Journal has raised concerns that the UK’s already depleted blood supplies will be “dangerously impacted” if the trend of underperforming athletes demanding treatment continues. “There is no question that this is a fast and legal way to success,” said the article’s lead author, “but there is no way that we can maintain the hand out of such therapy so liberally”. Anaemia is said to have become “fashionable” amongst younger athletes after stars such as Paula Radcliffe diagnosed themselves with the disorder. “Similar trends were seen when Wayne Rooney fractured his metatarsal and David Beckham tore his Achilles,” said the report, “athletes pick up on these things and it is down to healthcare professionals to sort them out.” Calling for a "full and frank epidemiological survey", the report concluded that if the rise in "anaemia" diagnoses continued, the UK would run out of blood by the end of the Cross Country season.

UK Athletics are doing their level best to remain distant from such accusations, but an insider confidentially told the Echo that it was a serious issue. “You’ve got these guys running awfully one minute, diagnosing themselves with anaemia and then magically running huge PBs,” he said from inside a broom cupboard, “it’s amazing what a few iron tablets can do.” Journalists have also noted the phenomenon, with disappointed athletes immediately declaring themselves ‘anaemic’ after poor races. “It is becoming the answer to all underperformance,” said a BBC source, “bad race now seems to equal anaemia.”

The Power of Ten have been forced to deny speculation that they were set to introduce a “blood count” service on athlete profiles. It had been rumoured that the site would allow athletes to list their ferritin levels alongside all performances and thus a poor one would be recorded as ID (Iron Depleted). “That scheme has now been scrapped” says PoT’s Director of Operations, “it was unworkable to expect all athletes to undergo blood tests after races. I don’t see a future for such an idea.”

JONATHAN EDWARDS CONFIRMED AS A TWERP

The BBC have announced that a panel of independent medics have found Jonathan Edwards to be “something of a twerp”. The results- which had been widely expected in the broadcasting community- have been hailed as a “relief” by many inside the BBC. “All this really does is reaffirm what we all expected,” said a spokesman, “ever since he wore that earring at the Great North Run last year, we all knew that he was a bit of a fool.” Many in the athletics world have criticised the time it has taken for the results to be published, with some describing the “unbelievable torment” for Edwards and his family. “Can you imagine it?” asked Mr. Edwards’ official spokesperson, “for months we have all wondered- what is he?” The World Triple Jump record holder has not commented on the results, but it now seems unlikely that Edwards will be allowed to work for the BBC again. The Beeb courted much criticism for allowing Edwards to continue to anchor and commentate for them whilst this dispute was on going. A BBC Trust insider revealed how the department “agonised” over whether to permit Edwards’ coverage of the European Trials, but said they were left with no choice owing to the clash with Wimbledon and the World Cup. “Let’s face it,” said the source, “no one watched it.”

People who have known the BBC star for a long time have said that they “always had an inkling” that all was not well. “When he was growing up,” said a family friend, “I used to say to my husband- ‘that lad could be a twerp one day’. Of course we didn’t say anything at the time, but now it makes sense.” Those who competed with him also revealed their suspicions. “He was always odd,” said Dame Kelly Holmes DBE MBE (Mil.), “so no it isn’t a big shock. I think you could see it in the way he jumped- what a twerp!” Paula Radcliffe MBE (Nike) offered Edwards some support, “he is who he is and I think this judgemental world has to accept him for it. I for one will be telephoning him just as soon as my new contract is ironed out”.

It is unclear what the former Olympic Champion will do next, but it seems very unlikely he will be asked to present Songs of Praise again. Edwards, who once refused to compete on Sundays owing to his devout Christian faith, denounced Christianity in 2007 stating: “when you think about it rationally, it does seem incredibly improbable that there is a God.” BBC Chiefs were left seething after he “officially rejected” his life-long conviction later that year, as they had hoped to make him the new poster boy for the Sunday night faith show. “It was the first time that someone in the office said that he may be a twerp,” said an insider, “the investigations all sprang from there.”

AAAs AND MORE......

BIRMINGHAM SET FOR UK CHAMPS

Security is set to be “tighter than ever before” at the UK Championships, according to UKA insiders. It is believed that UKA have tightened the ticketing policy after thousands of touts were arrested outside the ground last year and many fans were turned away having bought counterfeit tickets. The ugly scenes that appeared on the final Sunday of the 2009 event- with many desperate supporters charging the gate in a bid to get inside- are the subject of an ongoing judicial review, the results of which will be published later this year. A senior UKA source said that lessons would be learned from past mistakes. “The police have doubled their provision,” said the member of Neils De Vos’ office, “I think it is fair to say we underestimated the animosity that existed between rival sets of fans last year.” Crowd segregation is to be “absolute” for the first time since the Coe-Ovett era, a time that saw many hooligans handed life bans.

On the track, UKA chiefs have been keen to play down rumours that the distance events will suffer from being so close to the Trafford Grand Prix to be held on Tuesday. Event organisers from Stretford have been talking up their “tremendous fields” and “cast iron guarantees from top guns” and this has angered some inside UKA. “I am certain that the National Championships will prevail,” said UKA’s events secretary, “we have made it clear to all at Trafford that such scheduling in future will be viewed very dimly.”

BEEB COMMITS TO ‘MORE COVERAGE THAN EVER’

The BBC have confirmed that the athletics will be given “prime time billing” and as such “at least 45 minutes” of live action will be shown over the course of the weekend. It is at this stage unclear who will be anchoring the coverage as Sue Barker is tied up at Wimbledon and the rest of the BBC Sport team has been dispatched to South Africa. An insider said, “to be honest, we could have done with England going out on Wednesday. We need some guys back here.” Jonathan Edwards once again “failed to impress” in his anchorage of the European Team Championships last weekend, and thus it seems likely that Hazel Irvine will be brought out of the wilderness she has inhabited since the now infamous Crystal Palace-gate last year. Irvine courted heavy criticism after looking like she was about to “burst with excitement” at the news of a failed Jamaican drug test and was accused of “going to pieces” when attempting to interview Usain Bolt. The BBC have not yet confirmed whether Phil Jones will be available to ask athletes “how they feel”, as he was last seen harassing exhausted tennis players in SW19.

CAPELLO IN SHOCK VISIT TO McLEOD PREPARATION SESSION



VAN COMMENEE SUPPORTS DRUG CHEATS ‘BECAUSE HE GREW UP IN AMSTERDAM’

Angry Eightlaners have hit out at UKA’s performance chief after he was seen to show support to Britain’s number one sprinter, Dwain Chambers. In some fearful reviews on the popular running forum, Van Commonee is accused of “[spending] many of his formative years in the cafes of Amsterdam” on the grounds that he lived “in the suburbs” as a youngster. The anonymous poster, who presumably did not spend many of his/her formative years in the schools of England, went on to add “someone in UKA who does understand the British public needs to have a quiet word”. ‘Outlook’, clearly horrified by the situation, added: “there is wacky backy and hash cake on sale in every city centre bar”. This, coupled with his “suicidal” backing of Chambers, clearly proves that Van Commenee must have spent his entire childhood doped up and is now causing “Women’s Institute types [to be] switching off their televisions in disgust” [‘Point’ et al.,2010]. One can’t help but feel that the Dutchman’s position is now untenable and his resignation will surely follow.

ISNER AND MAHUT MATCH LONGER THAN RADCLIFFE TRAINING RUN

The Wimbledon tennis match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut lasted longer than one of Paula Radcliffe’s ‘medium length’ runs. The revelation comes as Radcliffe lambasted members of the press for praising the two players’ staying power. “This is the problem with tennis players,” fumed the usually placid Radcliffe, “they stay on court for a little longer than they would have hoped and suddenly they want they earth. It’s pathetic.” Revealing that she has “warmed down for longer than their entire match”, Radcliffe maintained that she did not train too hard. “If other people spent the time I did running, then maybe we wouldn’t be in the mess that we are now in,” she said from her toe strengthening suite, “my injuries are nothing to do with over training.” In an unusually vocal mood, Radcliffe also furiously denied speculation that her next child would be named ‘Nike’.

THE PAULA RADCLIFFE INTERVIEW

The Lufbra Echo secured a precious few minutes with one of the greatest female athletes of all time. We find out what really makes her tick, secrets that she has never revealed and what she plans to do in the future. Plus- Athens: what really happened?

It’s 8:30am on a Sunday morning and I am knackered. For three hours and thirty two minutes, I have been chasing Paula Radcliffe’s brand spanking new Nike ‘UltraSwoosh, Special Edition Mark 323.43’ running shoes and to no avail- in that time, she has put over a minute into me. “Come on, you lightweight!” thunders her cheerless husband, Gary Lough, “Paula’s got another three runs to do today and you are holding her up!” I amble up to the front door of their Leicestershire mansion, where the couple are currently spending eight of their limited 92 days per year in the country. This is of course owing to the fact that they like Monte Carlo and hate the intrusion of the press. Nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that they save a wad of cash in tax revenue, you understand. Paula, now pregnant again, is stretching out her legs and I notice a tear rolling down her precious cheek. When I enquire what the matter is, she informs me that she was some eight seconds down on what she should have been for that run and Gary had shouted at her. “I’m not even tired,” affirms Radcliffe, “I wasn’t even trying hard. I just ran slower.”

We head inside, where I make the mistake of asking for a black coffee. “We have green coffee,” snaps Lough, “none of that horrid stuff.” Paula then explains: “Green Coffee has special immune properties that builds up your body’s ability to fight off infection and carry oxygen around in the blood.” Does it taste nice? “Oh yes- it is delicious. People who are interested should log on to the Green Coffee website for more information,” enthuses Radcliffe, with a knowing look in the direction of her husband. I decide to opt instead for water, but am then offered the choice between “oxygenised” or “non-oxygenised”. Confused, I go thirsty.

“You’ll have to excuse me while I work out on the cross trainer while we speak,” says Radcliffe as we head into a de-oxygenised chamber, “I am lacking aerobic fitness, you see.” The World Record holder over the marathon then glances at her Nike watch and breaks down in tears again. When pushed, she revealed that she was some three hundredths of a seconds slower moving from the morning kitchen to this room than she was last week. “It’s like everything is falling apart again,” she sobbed, “I work so hard to maintain this schedule.” After wiping her tears on a special Nike tissue (specifically designed to help you cry to the best of your ability), Radcliffe confidently marches towards the chamber- determined to make up time.

In the ominously entitled “work chamber”, Radcliffe then hooks herself up to various contraptions, including a specially designed Nike BabyMonitor+, built with your child’s future in mind. “It’s just great,” smiles the now content 2:15 marathoner, “it passes some of my ability on to my unborn child.” When pushed further, Radcliffe reveals that she was disappointed with her performance when giving birth to her first child. “I heard that Deena Kastor was much quicker. I need to work on my weaknesses and hopefully surprise a few people this time.” Radcliffe then took her special Nike Zoom Asthma Inhaler +++, which delivers the (completely legal) drugs to her lungs faster. “This is a lifesaver,” she says, “so important for someone who suffers with it [Asthma] like me.”

As she begins her workout (second of six scheduled for the day), I turn to the difficult topic of the Athens Olympics. “Oh, I did that deliberately,” blurts out Radcliffe, “you see, the British public hate winners and my Nike contract was up for renewal. Everyone likes a few tears at the side of the road. You’d be amazed how many people brought my book- which is still available- on the back of that!” Dumbfounded, I pushed further- what about Beijing? “I wasn’t as fit as Mara [Yamauchi, who finished 6th] and couldn’t bear the thought of not being the first Brit and so I made up this cramp problem. Worked a treat! The Daily Telegraph said I was ‘very brave’ and Nike gave me a 10% raise.” What does she plan to do in the years to come? “Probably drop out of a few more races and possibly try and win 2012. I’m a bit worried, in truth, as if you want to make the big bucks after you have retired, you really need an Olympic medal.” How did she enjoy commentating on the London Marathon? “I had to sit in a booth with that awful Geordie pair [Steve Cram and Brendan Foster] and so what do you think?” harrumphed the Bedford and County star, “they kept saying, ‘when I won my Olympic medal’ and followed it with a dull story. I made Cram’s career with my teary performance after dropping out of Athens and he is just ungrateful.” Radcliffe was referring to the interview she “would only give” to the former Olympic 1500m silver medalist after the marathon disaster.

As I left Radcliffe’s house, Nike Farm, she was heading out for her next run. Would I like to stay for lunch? Gary was preparing roast tadpole, which is very high in protein apparently. I decided to take my chances at McDonald's and so made my excuses.

BUCS DAY TWO.....

Wind and rain may have battered Bedford today, but our guys remain resolute in bringing you all the action and gossip from BUCS......

COFFEE PROVISION MUST IMPROVE: BULDARO

Birmingham’s head coach, Bud Buldaro has hit out at what he calls “rancid” coffee served at Bedford’s stadium. “Have you tried it?” fumed the velvet tongued coach, “it’s dreadful. In this day and age you really do expect better. How can coaches be expected to go about their business when having to drink that rubbish?” Buldaro spent “several hours” with officials last night discussing the situation and revealed today that it would be “unlikely” to improve. Emerging from the talks in the early hours of the morning, he said “the trouble is they are stuck in their ways. They think that we have to have rubbish coffee at UK track events- well we don’t. It’s 2010, not 1910”.

BUCS chiefs would not comment officially this morning, but well placed sources have told the Lufbra Echo that Buldaro was “very angry” last night. “I think he was upset that Nick Goolab wore the wrong socks or something, but he was right up in the face of the meeting referee.” Our insider continued, “we don’t see anything really wrong with the coffee. If you don’t like it, then don’t drink it.”

OXBRIDGE BEMOAN ‘PLEB SITUATION’

Representatives of Britain’s two leading Universities, Oxford and Cambridge have complained that a growing number of “common people” are distracting them from their races. A spokesman for the two institutions said, “it’s so very tiresome. We can’t be expected to prepare fully for the 100 yard dash and the like if these imbeciles start charging around like school children.” One Oxford athlete was furious after a student from Essex University “maliciously” spilt a can of Red Bull over his copy of Hamlet. “If I don’t read Hamlet’s glorious soliloquy before racing then there is no point,” thundered the beaten 1500m semi-finalist, “that’s my season effectively over now. I am heartbroken.”

Oxbridge leaders have called for a “special call room” for individuals who have gained a minimum of 6 A graded A Levels. The source went on, “they have to study a reasonable course as well. We can’t have these simpletons who read ‘Sport Science’ coming in. Suitable attire will have to be worn and these ghastly iPods will be banned.” It is thought that Cambridge students have become particularly upset with the “repulsive culture of hugging your opponent at the end of the race.” One athlete said, “what has happened to the traditional hand shake? It’s not nice to have sweaty plebeians coming up and embracing you.”

It is unlikely that the complainers will garner much sympathy with the officials in charge of the event. A BUCS source said, “it’s outrageous. Just because they want to turn up in fancy dress and prance around in smoking jackets, they think they can boss everyone around. Well they can’t.” The insider went on to point out that the annual clash between Oxford and Cambridge in the Boat Race had “no quality whatsoever”. “Neither of those teams would get near the final of a BUCS event. They need to get over themselves.”

ATHLETE FAILS TO MAKE FINAL AFTER “NOT RUNNING QUICK ENOUGH” SHOCK

A middle-distance runner will not compete in the final of his event after “not running as quick” as other athletes in his semi-final. The athlete, who has asked to remain nameless, is said to be “an established name” on the athletics circuit and offered no excuse for his failure. When asked what went wrong, he left observers gob-smacked by conceding that he “probably wasn’t as good” as the people who beat him. One watcher said afterwards, “it was unbelievable- he virtually gave up. He could have blamed the wind, the pH level of the water here or the ridiculously bright vests that some athletes wear, but he didn’t.” Commentators have criticised the athlete for a “lack of fighting spirit”. Paula Radcliffe told the Echo that anybody worth their salt should have a “bank of excuses” at the ready. “It doesn’t matter what they are,” said one of the best Olympic failures of all time, “but there’s always a reason and you never, ever just say that you weren’t good enough.”

The shocking revelation comes as other athletes were less gracious and officials hurriedly released statements apologising for “unprecedented levels” of disappointment caused largely by the wind. “There has been a lot of upset today,” said an insider, “we are looking at erecting large screens in future because the wind has been such a pain today....we have had a lot of complaints.”

NEWS ROUND-UP

LEMONCELLO PONDERS NAME CHANGE

Andrew Lemoncello will be dropping the 'Lemon' from his name after he decided it was necessary "in order to be taken more seriously". In an extraordinary interview with the Lufbra Echo, Britain's latest marathon star also slammed what he called "virtually non-existent" support on the London Marathon course. "What were they playing at?" fumed the Scot, "it was like I was alone out there. I am certain that I would have won [Lemoncello came 8th] if they had cheered for me. It was very poor."

When asked to elaborate on his name decision, the American based star said, "I am tired of being associated with citrus fruit. The organizers of major events always insist on giving me lemonade to drink". The former steeplechaser also confirmed that he would not be signing a potentially lucrative deal with Sprite. "It's not for me," he said as he left London this morning, "I just think that no one thinks of me as a serious athlete because I have such a stupid name." Lemoncello went on to blame a "naive" decision to ditch his sunglasses hours before the start of the marathon on Sunday. "I really struggled with that one," revealed the 2:13 marathoner, "I bought them at Sunglass Hut on the way over and they are so cool- I am sure it [the lack of them] slowed me down, maybe by up to three or four minutes."

RADCLIFFE IMPRESSES AT MARATHON SNOOZE FEST

The Marathon World Record holder, Paula Radcliffe has courted high praise for her "sensationally bland" commentary at the recent London Marathon. BBC chiefs are said to be "thrilled" with her progress as she managed to last nearly three hours without making one useful point. "It's a difficult thing to master and I know that Steve Cram really struggled with it," said a BBC insider, "commentators have to talk utter nonsense otherwise viewers may start to realize that they are tuned in and switch off". The praise comes after Radcliffe was heavily criticized for her performance at the Winter Olympics. Viewers were said to be "aghast" at her attempts to make coherent sense when covering the Curling. One viewer said, "her voice is perfect to lull us to sleep. When she tries all that intelligent stuff it just isn't on".

ELECTION LATEST: BROWN ASKED FOR OPINION ON IAN STEWART

UKA CALL FOR CALM AS ASH CLOUD SPREADS

UKA are “seriously considering” cancelling early athletics meetings this summer after the ash from the Eyjafjallajokull volcano spreads across Europe. European airspace is in meltdown and many athletes are resorting to extraordinary measures in a bid to return to the UK. A UKA spokesman urged athletes to “remain calm” in the crisis, but conceded that it was now “very likely” that events such as the BUCS Outdoor Championships would be axed. “We don’t want people taking insane risks just to get back for BUCS,” said the source from his holiday home in New Zealand, “Nick Goolab and Stephen Sharp have already attempted to swim home from Portugal for the National 12 Stage and we can’t have everyone trying this.” The Belgrave pair were fished out of the Atlantic Ocean just half a mile from shore after Sharp inadvertently went the wrong way. Speaking from a hospital in Lisbon, where both were given the all clear, Sharp said “I didn’t realise that my iPhone wasn’t water proof and so the route map application broke and we ended up swimming towards Africa....Nick’s knackered now but it’s all good training.” Despite the setback, Sharp refused to rule himself out of the relays that start at midday tomorrow. “It’s not over yet,” said the most successful relay runner in British history, “I have spoken to Alan [Mead, Belgrave manager] and asked for a later leg. We could run there and just do a shortened cool down.” For their part, Belgrave have denied encouraging their stars to take unprecedented measures in order to make the relays. “We preach responsibility,” said an insider, “our guys must remember that they are role models to millions of kids and when they do something stupid it may be copied.”

In Portugal, David Howe and Alasdair Donaldson have been delayed in departing from LSAC’s warm weather training camp and Preston AC have had to postpone their return by nearly a week. A Preston source bemoaned a “difficult” situation. “The other night we really fell out with the Loughborough lot on the grounds we wouldn’t see them again. Now we’re stuck with them and their egos for ages- it’s awful.” Donaldson meanwhile is believed to have abandoned a bid to cycle up to Front Romeu in the Pyrenees, where his UKA colleagues are currently based. It is rumoured that the Scot fell off his bike only three kilometres into the trip and “badly grazed” his right knee. Our UKA source went on, “this situation does weird things to people. I know that Alasdair wants to be with the guys in France but he’ll be fine in Portugal.” Yesterday evening, Donaldson indicated that he was “gravely concerned” at the prospect of being stranded in Portugal. The Newham and Essex Beagle has claimed that he is being “relentlessly bullied” by the girls at the LSAC camp. “They aren’t being very nice,” sobbed the Scot, “Dani [Christmas] said that my tan wasn’t very good yesterday and that’s so upsetting.”

Back in the UK, some athletes are refusing to train in light of the “horrendous” air quality. Gary Bradbury revealed that he could “hardly breathe” on a recent recovery run and said that he would be writing off the next three weeks as a precaution. Chris Warburton was in a similar situation and indicated that his “entire season” may well now be over. “I think the dust cloud had an early effect on me in Portugal,” said the 3:38 man, “it’s been erupting for a couple of weeks now and that would explain why Stephen Emery was able to beat me in training.”

Elsewhere, Paula Radcliffe has paid £250,000 for a special “EasyBreathe” system to help her avoid any long term damage during her training. The Bedford and County said, “it’s great- I wear this special mask and it almost feels like normal.” The Marathon World Record holder revealed that there was a bit of snag when the company refused to print the Nike Swoosh on the device and thus rendering it useless. “It was fine in the end because Gary [Lough, Paula’s husband] drew it on with a Nike permanent marker,” Radcliffe explained, “he’s good like that- always coming up with ingenious solutions.”

MATTHEWS TO BE STRIPPED OF GB STASH

Pete Matthews will be forced to hand back his Great Britain kit when he returns from Portugal as “he is not good enough”, the Lufbra Echo can reveal. The Blackburn man was awarded the honour “in error” according to UKA insiders. Our source said, “the truth is that over the course of the last couple of years, Pete has simply not achieved enough. It is embarrassing to see him wander around Loughborough in it and so we are going to ask for it back.” Ian Stewart, UKA’s Endurance Director refused to take responsibility for the gaffe, instead arguing that the vest was handed out under a different administration. Speaking from Monte Carlo, Stewart said, “we are toughening everything up now. [International] vests will only be handed out for worthy athletes from now on.” It is not known whether Matthews’ name will be expunged from the record books, but UKA chiefs said they were “ruling nothing out”.

This news comes at the end of a difficult week for the now former GB International. In an ill-fated attempt to win a 2km rep at the start of a track session, Matthews badly damaged his Achilles tendon and could be out for “some days” according to Loughborough insiders. Then today, labelled a ‘key tanning day’ by the red head, he lost valuable ground to Seb Foy in the Loughborough Tanning Championships. “Foy’s flying at the moment,” said an observer, “he lost track of time this afternoon and so lay in the sun for over four hours.”

UKA have refused to rule out demanding the return of other international vests stretching as far back as 1990. It is rumoured that a letter will be despatched to Paula Radcliffe asking for her Olympic vests from Athens 2004 and Beijing 2008 to be sent back to the BOA. A well-placed source said, “these vests should mean something and when I see Paula in the local supermarket wearing the Athens tracksuit it brings back horrible memories.”

NEWS ROUND-UP

After a busy day in the running world, the Lufbra Echo rounds up the comings and goings around the sport

RUNNER LEFT OUT OF TEAM SHOCK
A long distance runner who has asked not to be named has been left out of Great Britain's team for the forthcoming World Cross Country Championships. UKA insiders have revealed that the runner, who underperformed at the trial race, was "absolutely devastated" at the news. The source also stated that more runners could be left out of more teams in the future.

RUNNER INCLUDED IN TEAM SHOCK
A long distance runner who has asked not to be named has been included in Great Britain's team for the forthcoming World Cross Country Championships. UKA insiders have revealed that the runner was one of a number of athletes "to be given the nod" for the event which takes place in Poland later this month.

RADCLIFFE 'DEEPLY SORRY' FOR BIN INFRACTION
Paula Radcliffe has apologised to her many sponsors for placing plastic bags into a bin intended for recycling. Leicestershire County Council have not ruled out prosecuting the World Record holder over the blunder. "I had just got back from my sixth run of the day," sobbed Radcliffe "and was just about to prepare my raw quails eggs- I just didn't think. I feel like I have let everyone down...I hope Nike, I mean, my fans can forgive me".

NIKE LAUNCH NEW RACING FLAT
Nike have launched their latest lightweight offering just in time for the Spring road season. The 'ZOOM LOADSACASH' offers innovative technology weighing in at just 0.5g per shoe. A retailer told the Lufbra Echo, "the shoe consists of a tight fitting cotton that wraps around the whole foot and ankle. It is ideal for runners looking for that extra half-yard and they can even go in the washing machine." Nike have specifically designed the racers to "wear out" after 5km of use. A spokesman enthused, "this gives runners that new shoe feel every day." The flats will cost £130.

PURDUE DENIES GORECKA SPAT
Charlotte Purdue has hailed rival Emelia Gorecka's "magnificent" run at the weekend's Inter-Country Championships. The injured star "absolutely rejected" rumours that she was "threatened" by her team mate. "It's a shame I missed Saturday- it would have been a great race. Emelia's a great girl and that text message was nothing to do with me," said Purdue.