Stephen Emery has reacted angrily to predictions on the popular running forum, eightlane that he will not win a medal at this weekend's BUCS Championships. The website invited its posters to predict how the Championships might turn out and only one post mentioned Emery as a contender for the 5,000m - predicting a 5th placed finish in 14:56.
"F****** outrageous" thundered Emery from his weekly press conference "who the f*** do they think they are? How can they f****** count me out? It's f****** mental if you ask me. I am the bronze medalist! FIFTH? You've got to be kidding me." Emery famously ran a "sensible" race last year to secure his place on the podium - but faced criticism from Steve Cram for "never even trying to win it".
The Coventry Godiva star also denied that his success has gone to his head. Emery has been criticised for "lauding his success" over close pals. "I only display the medal at weekends" said the engineer "and the picture on the wall was a gift". In response to accusations that he is often "over-hydrated", Emery threw his water bottle (room temperature) across the room. "Nonsense" blasted the 3:48 (Stretford Timing) 1500m man "they'll try anything to get at me, before my big day. Just you wait until I'm the champion - then you'll all see what correct hydration looks like".
Showing posts with label Eightlane. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Eightlane. Show all posts
Wednesday, 27 April 2011
DOCTORS FEAR FOR BOWSER
Some of the country's leading psychiatrists have voiced concerns as to the well being of 5,000m star, Matt Bowser. The Lincoln man has been the subject of national ridicule since he announced his intention to participate in the London Olympics and a recent video on the popular running forum for simpletons, eightlane seems to show Bowser having a mental breakdown.
"It's very worrying indeed" said a Dr Shrink from the University of North Dunstable's School of Psychiatry "you can clearly see that the lad is unwell. I would urge people not to approach him and contact the police if he is seen." Bowser's whereabouts is currently unknown and friends of the former European Cross Country Champion have called for him to come home. "This is going too far, Matt" said a source close to the star "let's give up these games and get things sorted."
The Police have stressed that Bowser is "not wanted in connection with any crime (for a change)" and that they were "purely concerned for his mental health". This comes less than a year after Bowser was the subject of a national manhunt in connection with a missing UKA Garmin.
"It's very worrying indeed" said a Dr Shrink from the University of North Dunstable's School of Psychiatry "you can clearly see that the lad is unwell. I would urge people not to approach him and contact the police if he is seen." Bowser's whereabouts is currently unknown and friends of the former European Cross Country Champion have called for him to come home. "This is going too far, Matt" said a source close to the star "let's give up these games and get things sorted."
The Police have stressed that Bowser is "not wanted in connection with any crime (for a change)" and that they were "purely concerned for his mental health". This comes less than a year after Bowser was the subject of a national manhunt in connection with a missing UKA Garmin.
Wednesday, 23 March 2011
COULD 'RUNNING MORE' IMPROVE PERFORMANCE?
A landmark study to be published in the Old England Journal of Medicine (OEJM) looks set to leave the athletics world reeling after it has linked "increased training volume" with performative gains. Whilst academics at the echo's favourite University of North Dunstable have stressed that the study is "not yet complete", the interim results look set to blow current approaches to athletics out of the water.
A spokesman for the popular running forum for children, Eightlane dismissed any links between running and performance. Calling the study "irresponsible", the source claimed that academics "failed to provide a single reference athlete". The anonymous insider going by the name 'Interested' added: "it is these sort of gimmicks that are derailing any hopes we have of getting British distance running great again. The best thing athletes can do is wear compression garments, eat lots of supplements, obsess about their diets and whine about other athletes on our forum. Hard training never got anyone anywhere".
The authors of the study stand by their work, with one even disputing whether the "magic necklaces" worn by the likes of Paula Radcliffe actually work. "As we have said, these are early results" stressed the Emeritus Professor "but in at least 80% of our subjects, actual training and not mystery supplements and gluten free bread resulted in positive results". The study also questioned the increasing prevalence of allergies in distance runners - stating that "up to 99% were of questionable origin".
Whether the OEJM study will ultimately win over the doubters is unclear, but with senior UKA officials scrambling to rethink their latest 'training in business attire' experiment, it may already be having an impact.
A spokesman for the popular running forum for children, Eightlane dismissed any links between running and performance. Calling the study "irresponsible", the source claimed that academics "failed to provide a single reference athlete". The anonymous insider going by the name 'Interested' added: "it is these sort of gimmicks that are derailing any hopes we have of getting British distance running great again. The best thing athletes can do is wear compression garments, eat lots of supplements, obsess about their diets and whine about other athletes on our forum. Hard training never got anyone anywhere".
The authors of the study stand by their work, with one even disputing whether the "magic necklaces" worn by the likes of Paula Radcliffe actually work. "As we have said, these are early results" stressed the Emeritus Professor "but in at least 80% of our subjects, actual training and not mystery supplements and gluten free bread resulted in positive results". The study also questioned the increasing prevalence of allergies in distance runners - stating that "up to 99% were of questionable origin".
Whether the OEJM study will ultimately win over the doubters is unclear, but with senior UKA officials scrambling to rethink their latest 'training in business attire' experiment, it may already be having an impact.
Monday, 10 January 2011
NEWS ROUND UP
BULDARO CALLS FOR "STRONGER" OFFICIALS AT BUCS
Birmingham Director of Athletics has called on UKA and BUCS to clamp down on what he calls the "blatant bating of the officials" by fierce rival George Gandy. Buldaro - who is looking to defend the BUCS title on home soil - has said that he is concerned that some "strange" comments from the Guru and Director at Loughborough will sway race stewards on the day. "Look, we all know that the officials have a really really tough job" said Buldaro from a press conference "and they are not helped by certain Directors constantly railing against them. That is a fact. I only hope they can put it out of their minds on the day." For his part, the Guru issued a statement calling the accusations "ludicrous" adding that "they [the remarks] were a sign of the pressure Bud is under".
Chris Thompson faces a spell on the sidelines after being "seriously scratched" by his pet cat, Jemma. The European Silver Medallist required hospital treatment after the cat pounced on him shortly after being fed her breakfast. A spokesman for the athlete said that it was "unlikely" to effect his training too greatly adding that Jemma would be dispatched for a "full claw clipping" and that he hoped that this would help the news desk on a slow day.
EIGHTLANE SILENT ON MCLEOD RUN
Always known to be even handed with their criticism popular running forum for the intellectually challenged, Eightlane have remained eerily and surprisingly quiet on Ryan McLeod's eleventh place (3rd Brit home) at the Edinburgh Cross Country event held last weekend. High praise was lauded on many who fell short of one of the best performances of McLeod's career. One can be sure it is nothing to do with the fact that the very same forum frothed with rage at McLeod's inclusion in the European Cross Country team just last month with one poster wondering whether UKA were getting "value for money" with McLeod's recent trip to Kenya.
Sunday, 5 December 2010
McLEOD PERFORMS WELL, EIGHTLANE OUTRAGED
Posters on the newly reincarnated running forum for simpletons Eightlane have been quick to express their dismay at the inclusion of Ryan McLeod in the team for the European Cross Country Championships next weekend.
"The non selection of Lee Carey is a disgrace" thundered one 'BRITS ABROAD' whilst 'i'm with jim [sic]' agreed with the sentiment before turning on the unwitting McLeod: "i will tell you what is even more disappointing [sic]" frothed the enraged opportunist, "mcleod coming 6th. paid trips to france and kenya znd that's what we get in return [sic]". Sensing a case of the green-eyed monster, several offered a defence of McLeod - who notched up his best ever performance at the Liverpool trial race - only to be batted down by 'the three degrees'. "look i like him [sic]" was his/her/it's reasoned opening, "but i don't think we are getting value for money for sending people over there [to Kenya presumably]." Oh dear, it seems as though Mr/Mrs Three Degrees forgot to get his/her application in for the altitude training in time. Clearly forgetting his claim of liking McLeod, the courageously anonymous poster continued: "he has had money thrown at him all of his life. what has carey asked for? the chance to do his exams and fly in to a race is not a lot to ask [sic]." Well, we could point out that Lee Carey is on a full scholarship in the States and that UKA make it clear that athletes have to be back in the UK the week before the Championships (to which Carey could not comply), but one should never let facts get in the way of a good story.
Coincidently, Eightlane is the very same forum that has got itself into a hysterical fit twice in the past twelve months over the non-selection of athletes who finished in the top six places at the supposed trial race. In one bizarre instance, the centre-piece of a presumably ill-fated 'LOVE ATHLETICS, HATE UKA' campaign was an open letter calling for greater transparency in selection. Now what could be more transparent than selecting the top six finishers of a trial I wonder?
"The non selection of Lee Carey is a disgrace" thundered one 'BRITS ABROAD' whilst 'i'm with jim [sic]' agreed with the sentiment before turning on the unwitting McLeod: "i will tell you what is even more disappointing [sic]" frothed the enraged opportunist, "mcleod coming 6th. paid trips to france and kenya znd that's what we get in return [sic]". Sensing a case of the green-eyed monster, several offered a defence of McLeod - who notched up his best ever performance at the Liverpool trial race - only to be batted down by 'the three degrees'. "look i like him [sic]" was his/her/it's reasoned opening, "but i don't think we are getting value for money for sending people over there [to Kenya presumably]." Oh dear, it seems as though Mr/Mrs Three Degrees forgot to get his/her application in for the altitude training in time. Clearly forgetting his claim of liking McLeod, the courageously anonymous poster continued: "he has had money thrown at him all of his life. what has carey asked for? the chance to do his exams and fly in to a race is not a lot to ask [sic]." Well, we could point out that Lee Carey is on a full scholarship in the States and that UKA make it clear that athletes have to be back in the UK the week before the Championships (to which Carey could not comply), but one should never let facts get in the way of a good story.
Coincidently, Eightlane is the very same forum that has got itself into a hysterical fit twice in the past twelve months over the non-selection of athletes who finished in the top six places at the supposed trial race. In one bizarre instance, the centre-piece of a presumably ill-fated 'LOVE ATHLETICS, HATE UKA' campaign was an open letter calling for greater transparency in selection. Now what could be more transparent than selecting the top six finishers of a trial I wonder?
Sunday, 28 November 2010
EIGHTLANE FACES WINDING UP ORDER
END OF THE TRACK: The error message shown to loyal Eightlaners this evening
Popular running forum, Eightlane has been handed a winding up order by the HMRC, the Lufbra Echo understands. In what is sure to go down as one of the saddest days in the history of the sport, the website was shut down after tax bills totalling in excess of £5m were left unpaid. A spokesperson for the forum this evening said that he "had every hope" that the site could be back on its feet under new ownership in the coming weeks.
Today's news comes just days after Eightlane was forced to pay an undisclosed sum to one its employees after they successfully sued over the "appalling conditions" endured by the staff. The tribunal heard how eighteen hour days were "very much the norm" and "inane and irrelevant posts about people no one had ever heard of" were making staff "borderline suicidal".
It is understood that a dramatic take over attempt by Runnerslife was foiled just hours before the court order was sent out. A RL spokesman said that the team at Eightlane were "unworkable" and as such the deal could not be finalised. "Like all these things, it came down to money" said the Welshman "we didn't see why such a large proportion of earning should be paid to an essentially bust site that relies on underachievers ranting about nonsense".
Runnerslife are, of course, not without fault in this. During the summer they infuriated Eightlane chiefs by poaching Dave Norman and were rumoured to be behind the dramatic exit of Luke Cragg. Loyal Eightlane fans have been resigned to this outcome for sometime and have called on "anybody with a conscience" to boycott the Wales based site from now on. "I think it's outrageous" said regular poster 'Interested', "just because they have their stupid blogs and stupid running vests, they have gone after and destroyed a national treasure."
Thursday, 9 September 2010
CRAGG QUITS EIGHTLANE AFTER COACH BUST UP
Eightlane's most popular athlete, Luke Cragg, has been forced to leave the popular running forum after his American coach threatened him with deportation. In sensational scenes over the weekend, 'Coach Martin' stormed into Cragg's dorm demanding that all his training logs be removed and never re-posted. When the England International protested, Martin said that he would call in the FBI if he did not comply.
The news has left Eightlane in meltdown. With the defection of Dave Norman to RunnersLife earlier this year, the site is faced with the possibility of not having a single star name posting their training. Eightlane founder, Alan Wales, is facing calls for his resignation as posters walk away from the site in droves. 'Please no' begged Cragg to reconsider his decision: "luke [sic] the highlight of my weekend is late on a sunday night when your logs appear on this site. life [sic] will not be worth living without them."
Possibilities of "annomous training diaries [sic]" as suggested by 'lc lover' have been dismissed by sources within the Cragg camp. "Coach Martin made himself very clear," said Cragg's personal private secretary, "Luke will not be sharing any details of his American adventure on Eightlane ever again".
Tuesday, 31 August 2010
FROM THE EIGHTLANE FORUM.....
Eightlaners respond to the crucial issue to dog the running world this week:
THE RETURN OF SEMENYA
Lookatherballs
Shes so obviously a bloke. Look at how she runs; cum on iaaf lets get this freek banned for life
Interested
What exactly does the test involve? I remember reading about it in an academic journal once, but I don’t think the IAAF have been exactly transparent on this
Fv4.
It is a complex and very interesting process. Physiologically, there can be no dispute that Caster is probably female. That is to say that the IAAF will have engaged in extensive tests to ensure that she is eligible to compete as such. The question is what does SHE see herself as. That would have fascinating psychological implications for the sporting world at large.
Milkman
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Tt_3
What more evidence do you need. SHE’S A GUY FOR SURE. She has a deep voice and runs better than everyone else.
We love simpson
It’s the girls that have to race her I feel sorry for. Imagine having to look at that just before you start.
Get a grip
I think you should all get a grip and go and do sum trainin
Cheatcheatcheat
It’s a common problem in African villages. Caster has clearly been offered enough money to feed her family for a lifetime just to keep quiet. She probably gets a testosterone injection once a week and providing she gets the right dose, the authorities will never know.
BNP Lover
Spot on ‘Cheatcheatcheat’, I am fed up wit them africaans coming and rewining are sport. When are the wimps at wada gonna get on top of this????????????????????????????????? BAN AFRICANS FOR LIFE
GBATHLETICSRULES
I think they should gender test all athletes who beat Semenya
Balls
Surely there is a very simple test that can be done: LOOK AT HER BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RunnersLife
Really interesting interview on Runnerslife with Semenya. They ask her what her opinion is on steady runs, tempos and interval work. She give in depth answers lasting around 25 words. WELL DONE RUNNERSLIFE AND KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK
Agreed
I don’t know the last poster in anyway and I am not from Wales, but have to agree- it’s a really really good read and I don’t think the creators get the respect they deserve.
Grow some balls and take the pace
I rekon the reason everyone h8s RL so much is cos that c*** mcloud posts on their. when is he gonna fuck off and get a reel job rather than post crap about not gettin payed to race abrord?????????
Daddys boy
That’s the best post all day ‘Grow some…’ It’s about time someone spoke up against that bully, McLeod.
Back to the point
But what about that cheat Semenya? Lets not forget that she is rewining are sport.
So is mcleeeeeeooooooddd!
I fink ryans to blame
African Violet
I think that this raises a pertinent question. Is the Loughborough regime responsible for the downfall of athletics in this world and the greater prevalence of drug cheats? Maybe if Gandy and his cronies took their responsibility a bit more seriously, then this would never have happened. I bet that if Semenya was a Gandy athlete, there wouldn’t have been any questions. Like when he shoe-horns shit athletes into the Loughborough International as ‘past’ students. They cheat just as badly.
Old Welshy
I am quite interested in Caster’s training. Although she can run a good 800m, I am not sure if she really has the kick to medal globally over 1500m+. Given that she has two years until the OG, perhaps it is time for her to focus primarily on the half mile distance? I know that she does a lot of ‘base’ work, but this might be wasted when it comes to the crunch
Homo
WHAT PLANET ARE YOU ON WESLSHY??????????????????????????????? Shes a bloke and so wont be aloud to the Olympics
Old Welshy
No reason to get personal. I was only commenting on her training as I know it well
Milkman
1010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101101011000
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Belgrave=evil
Wen r Belgrave goin to steel semenya for there bal team? Hahahaha!
Spot on
Love that last post. It is about time people publicaly slated Belgrave- they get waaaaaay too much support.
Iblameuka
I think that Stewart is to blame with his fuck of salary and shite dress sense. SACK STEWART, SAVE SEMENYA
Do some runnin
Has anyone ever thought that we may just be wasting our lives talking about things that don’t matter when we could be training and trying to emulate our heroes? Just a thought. Love the site though- well done Alan!
Athleticos????????????
Why haven’t those lazy aresholes at athleticos dun anythink on this? They claim to be passionate about the sport but this is reely crusial stuff and they aint got nuffink.
Cynical
I hate u all. Wen I was runnin in the 1950s loods of peeps wanted ter reed my blogs and now they only give a shit about lesbians and trannies. I nearly thru away all my v95 medals ve over day cos I fort whats ve point. Wife convinsed overwise.
Administrator
This thread is now locked.
THE RETURN OF SEMENYA
Lookatherballs
Shes so obviously a bloke. Look at how she runs; cum on iaaf lets get this freek banned for life
Interested
What exactly does the test involve? I remember reading about it in an academic journal once, but I don’t think the IAAF have been exactly transparent on this
Fv4.
It is a complex and very interesting process. Physiologically, there can be no dispute that Caster is probably female. That is to say that the IAAF will have engaged in extensive tests to ensure that she is eligible to compete as such. The question is what does SHE see herself as. That would have fascinating psychological implications for the sporting world at large.
Milkman
1010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010110101100010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101101011000
Tt_3
What more evidence do you need. SHE’S A GUY FOR SURE. She has a deep voice and runs better than everyone else.
We love simpson
It’s the girls that have to race her I feel sorry for. Imagine having to look at that just before you start.
Get a grip
I think you should all get a grip and go and do sum trainin
Cheatcheatcheat
It’s a common problem in African villages. Caster has clearly been offered enough money to feed her family for a lifetime just to keep quiet. She probably gets a testosterone injection once a week and providing she gets the right dose, the authorities will never know.
BNP Lover
Spot on ‘Cheatcheatcheat’, I am fed up wit them africaans coming and rewining are sport. When are the wimps at wada gonna get on top of this????????????????????????????????? BAN AFRICANS FOR LIFE
GBATHLETICSRULES
I think they should gender test all athletes who beat Semenya
Balls
Surely there is a very simple test that can be done: LOOK AT HER BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RunnersLife
Really interesting interview on Runnerslife with Semenya. They ask her what her opinion is on steady runs, tempos and interval work. She give in depth answers lasting around 25 words. WELL DONE RUNNERSLIFE AND KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK
Agreed
I don’t know the last poster in anyway and I am not from Wales, but have to agree- it’s a really really good read and I don’t think the creators get the respect they deserve.
Grow some balls and take the pace
I rekon the reason everyone h8s RL so much is cos that c*** mcloud posts on their. when is he gonna fuck off and get a reel job rather than post crap about not gettin payed to race abrord?????????
Daddys boy
That’s the best post all day ‘Grow some…’ It’s about time someone spoke up against that bully, McLeod.
Back to the point
But what about that cheat Semenya? Lets not forget that she is rewining are sport.
So is mcleeeeeeooooooddd!
I fink ryans to blame
African Violet
I think that this raises a pertinent question. Is the Loughborough regime responsible for the downfall of athletics in this world and the greater prevalence of drug cheats? Maybe if Gandy and his cronies took their responsibility a bit more seriously, then this would never have happened. I bet that if Semenya was a Gandy athlete, there wouldn’t have been any questions. Like when he shoe-horns shit athletes into the Loughborough International as ‘past’ students. They cheat just as badly.
Old Welshy
I am quite interested in Caster’s training. Although she can run a good 800m, I am not sure if she really has the kick to medal globally over 1500m+. Given that she has two years until the OG, perhaps it is time for her to focus primarily on the half mile distance? I know that she does a lot of ‘base’ work, but this might be wasted when it comes to the crunch
Homo
WHAT PLANET ARE YOU ON WESLSHY??????????????????????????????? Shes a bloke and so wont be aloud to the Olympics
Old Welshy
No reason to get personal. I was only commenting on her training as I know it well
Milkman
1010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101101011000
10101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101101011000
10101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101101011000
Belgrave=evil
Wen r Belgrave goin to steel semenya for there bal team? Hahahaha!
Spot on
Love that last post. It is about time people publicaly slated Belgrave- they get waaaaaay too much support.
Iblameuka
I think that Stewart is to blame with his fuck of salary and shite dress sense. SACK STEWART, SAVE SEMENYA
Do some runnin
Has anyone ever thought that we may just be wasting our lives talking about things that don’t matter when we could be training and trying to emulate our heroes? Just a thought. Love the site though- well done Alan!
Athleticos????????????
Why haven’t those lazy aresholes at athleticos dun anythink on this? They claim to be passionate about the sport but this is reely crusial stuff and they aint got nuffink.
Cynical
I hate u all. Wen I was runnin in the 1950s loods of peeps wanted ter reed my blogs and now they only give a shit about lesbians and trannies. I nearly thru away all my v95 medals ve over day cos I fort whats ve point. Wife convinsed overwise.
Administrator
This thread is now locked.
Sunday, 22 August 2010
AVERAGE EIGHTLANER OF ‘LIMITED INTELLIGENCE’: REPORT
Eightlaners are amongst the least intelligent in society according to a recent survey. The research team carried out in depth psychometric testing on a random sample of anonymous posters on the popular running forum and found that, on average, posters exhibited a “worryingly poor aptitude for basic functions such as spelling, grammar, punctuation and numeracy.” Common problems included the pluralisation of words via the use of an apostrophe and repeated misunderstandings surrounding the correct usage of the words ‘their’, ‘there’ and ‘they’re’. A research insider revealed that they average IQ of many posters was “double digit at best”. “We’re dealing with the lowest society has to offer here,” continued the source, “it’s shocking stuff”.
The authors of the report- due to be published in the Lancet later this month- concluded that this limited capacity to do anything well was the fundamental reason why posters were “so utterly negative, bitter and twisted in their approach to running and life generally." Other studies have found similar findings in the American site, Letsrun.com. "Our colleagues in Harvard found posters on Letsrun to be slightly more intelligent," said one author, "however, running ability was even worse than exhibited on Eightlane. Average age was also higher and therefore posts tended to be nastier and more personal." Despite this, the research team did note an "alarming shift" towards Eightlane being a site for personal attacks. "Talk of spare tires springs to mind," said one psychologist, "Eightlane gets more and more despicable by the day."
The authors of the report- due to be published in the Lancet later this month- concluded that this limited capacity to do anything well was the fundamental reason why posters were “so utterly negative, bitter and twisted in their approach to running and life generally." Other studies have found similar findings in the American site, Letsrun.com. "Our colleagues in Harvard found posters on Letsrun to be slightly more intelligent," said one author, "however, running ability was even worse than exhibited on Eightlane. Average age was also higher and therefore posts tended to be nastier and more personal." Despite this, the research team did note an "alarming shift" towards Eightlane being a site for personal attacks. "Talk of spare tires springs to mind," said one psychologist, "Eightlane gets more and more despicable by the day."
Thursday, 19 August 2010
EIGHTLANE U-TURN OF THE WEEK
"Although he [Farah] is reputed to have a kick, his loping style and his closing 400/200 pace is probably not good enough to medal in a global major at 5K...given that there's 3 years to London should he make the move to 10K next season, consolidate in 2011 and be ready in 2012?...Perhaps [Farah is] believing too much in the UKA endurance hype about how fast he could go..."
-'Old Scottie'. 24th August 2009
"As for Mo....altho [sic] he can run 3;34 off a strong pace he doesn't have a good enough kick over the last lap to medal globally over 5k but it's enough over 10K...he has 2 years to make the transition which is eminently do-able [sic]"
-'Old Scottie', again highlighting Mo Farah's inability to 'kick'. 4th March 2010
"Spot on Mo, British record, and ran the race just as I predicted"
-'Old Scottie', in response to Farah's sub-57 second last lap to set a new British record over 5,000m. 19th August 2010.
-'Old Scottie'. 24th August 2009
"As for Mo....altho [sic] he can run 3;34 off a strong pace he doesn't have a good enough kick over the last lap to medal globally over 5k but it's enough over 10K...he has 2 years to make the transition which is eminently do-able [sic]"
-'Old Scottie', again highlighting Mo Farah's inability to 'kick'. 4th March 2010
"Spot on Mo, British record, and ran the race just as I predicted"
-'Old Scottie', in response to Farah's sub-57 second last lap to set a new British record over 5,000m. 19th August 2010.
McLEOD SEASON ENDED BY SWAN RUN IN
Ryan McLeod has had to bring an end to his 2010 track season after being head butted by a Swan, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The 25 year-old was left visibly shaken after being chased by the bird when he was running along the Loughborough canal. “It came out of nowhere,” said the Eightlane favourite, “one minute I was knocking out a tempo and the next I had a swan on me.”
Representatives of the Swan Appreciation Group (SAG) have criticised the Tipton Harrier for jumping into the canal after the Swan and attempting to break its neck. “What else was I supposed to do?” asked McLeod, who was left with cuts and bruises after the incident, “I was only defending myself. I lost my keys in the water as well.”
The swan – who was badly injured – was rushed to a nearby treatment centre and remains in a “critical but stable” condition. A spokesman for the Leicestershire Constabulary revealed that the Swan could face “termination” if it were to recover. “We have opened an investigation into the incident,” said Dt. Supt. Plod of the Anti-Social Swan Behaviour Unit, “if it is proved that the Swan deliberately attacked Mr McLeod, we will have no option but to recommend the Death Penalty.”
McLeod had hoped to round off a hugely successful season in Cardiff next weekend, but these plans have now been ditched. “My new running shoes are ruined, I’ve got a bad cut and I can’t run along the canal,” sighed McLeod from a charity event, “I can’t be expected to compete under these conditions.” The 7:52 3k man has come in for some criticism on the popular running forum Eightlane over the bust up, with one poster demanding that he be “exercuted or sumthink [sic]”. Another anonymous contributor felt sorry for the swan stating that: “mcclouds dad probly had sumfink to do with it. bet he got loads of money for gettin a cut [sic]”.
The local authorities have said that they hope to have the canal “fully operational” by the end of the week, but in the meantime are asking boats and walkers to divert away from the area. “Our forensic team haven’t quite finished yet,” said Dt. Supt. Plod.
Representatives of the Swan Appreciation Group (SAG) have criticised the Tipton Harrier for jumping into the canal after the Swan and attempting to break its neck. “What else was I supposed to do?” asked McLeod, who was left with cuts and bruises after the incident, “I was only defending myself. I lost my keys in the water as well.”
The swan – who was badly injured – was rushed to a nearby treatment centre and remains in a “critical but stable” condition. A spokesman for the Leicestershire Constabulary revealed that the Swan could face “termination” if it were to recover. “We have opened an investigation into the incident,” said Dt. Supt. Plod of the Anti-Social Swan Behaviour Unit, “if it is proved that the Swan deliberately attacked Mr McLeod, we will have no option but to recommend the Death Penalty.”
McLeod had hoped to round off a hugely successful season in Cardiff next weekend, but these plans have now been ditched. “My new running shoes are ruined, I’ve got a bad cut and I can’t run along the canal,” sighed McLeod from a charity event, “I can’t be expected to compete under these conditions.” The 7:52 3k man has come in for some criticism on the popular running forum Eightlane over the bust up, with one poster demanding that he be “exercuted or sumthink [sic]”. Another anonymous contributor felt sorry for the swan stating that: “mcclouds dad probly had sumfink to do with it. bet he got loads of money for gettin a cut [sic]”.
The local authorities have said that they hope to have the canal “fully operational” by the end of the week, but in the meantime are asking boats and walkers to divert away from the area. “Our forensic team haven’t quite finished yet,” said Dt. Supt. Plod.
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
EIGHTLANE FURY AT NORMAN APPROACH
The Chief Executive of Eightlane has expressed his anger at the "blatant theft" of one of their lead contributors by Runnerslife. Dave Norman has signed a lucrative deal with the Welsh based website- rumoured to be worth somewhere in the region of £3m spread over three years. Speaking at a press conference yesterday, the Sale Harriers man revealed that he had achieved a "life-long dream" by signing up. "I often used to look at the guys writing for Runnerslife and think how much I would like to be on here," beamed the marathoner, "I was so pleased to be asked. I jumped around the house for several hours."
However, Norman has left a good deal of damage in his wake. Furious Eightlane chiefs slammed the tactics of Runnerslife in securing their man. "They unsettled Dave with these approaches," said an insider, "I know that they have been after him for a while and I must admit I thought he was stronger than that....we are very disappointed." Of more concern for the popular running forum is the genuine feeling that Eightlane legend Luke Cragg could be on the verge of securing a switch of his own. "We are in advanced talks with another big name," said a Runnerslife source, "it is a very exciting time for our site." Eightlane have refused to comment on the rumours but have said that they will be looking at the legality of the Norman move. "We may yet report this to Offorum [the running forum watchdog]", continued our insider, "enough is enough. Runnerslife cannot keep getting away with these bully tactics."
Both sites have been criticised of late, with many pointing out that they are losing viewers fast in favour of the latest sensation to hit British athletics, Athleticos. "It is a desperate time for sites such as Runnerslife and Eigtlane," said a City source, "shares are plummeting and there just doesn't seem to be an appetite for this sort of thing anymore. They really do need to modernise, else the likes of Athleticos are going to clean up."
However, Norman has left a good deal of damage in his wake. Furious Eightlane chiefs slammed the tactics of Runnerslife in securing their man. "They unsettled Dave with these approaches," said an insider, "I know that they have been after him for a while and I must admit I thought he was stronger than that....we are very disappointed." Of more concern for the popular running forum is the genuine feeling that Eightlane legend Luke Cragg could be on the verge of securing a switch of his own. "We are in advanced talks with another big name," said a Runnerslife source, "it is a very exciting time for our site." Eightlane have refused to comment on the rumours but have said that they will be looking at the legality of the Norman move. "We may yet report this to Offorum [the running forum watchdog]", continued our insider, "enough is enough. Runnerslife cannot keep getting away with these bully tactics."
Both sites have been criticised of late, with many pointing out that they are losing viewers fast in favour of the latest sensation to hit British athletics, Athleticos. "It is a desperate time for sites such as Runnerslife and Eigtlane," said a City source, "shares are plummeting and there just doesn't seem to be an appetite for this sort of thing anymore. They really do need to modernise, else the likes of Athleticos are going to clean up."
Saturday, 24 July 2010
BMC CRITICISED FOR ORGANISING RACE
The British Milers Club will today apologise for organising a 3,000m before running it past the Eightlane community first. The event- slated for next Wednesday- looks set to feature Australian superstar Craig Mottram but has been greeted with a chorus of disapproval from outraged Eightlaners. “How come the 3k is now at 8pm?” grumbled ‘Rather you than me’, “it’s not listed on the BMC website and the 3000 normally goes off at 10pm or later.” Meanwhile, after Eightlane favourite Ryan McLeod confirmed his intention to race, ‘Dirty Craig fact’ amused himself with the irresistible: “So it could be the drug cheat v Mc Cock [sic]”. All richly comic and, undeterred by this small libel, ‘its a BMC mcleod [sic]’ lambasted the “terrible attitude” of the Tipton man. “[Y]ou should be sharing the pace with Mottram” howled the anonymous poster, “as it’s a BMC and the only point of these races is to run quick!” Some jokes just never get old, do they?
Elsewhere and away from the outcry at the rearranged start time, Chris Carter came in for some criticism for planning on running a 1500m. “Is chris carter the joker who runs in full adidas kit and most of the time runs outside 4minutes? [sic]” asked ‘another day hey’. And he/she/it is right. How dare an athlete wear matching kit to a race! That is absolutely scandalous. The Echo cannot support such a policy and thus is calling on all athletes to ensure that their kit does not match from now on. And while we’re at it, the BMC simply must stop organising these high quality races. If we aren’t careful, this country’s generation of wasters will be running out of excuses to spout on Eightlane and Letsrun. David Cameron: are you listening?
Elsewhere and away from the outcry at the rearranged start time, Chris Carter came in for some criticism for planning on running a 1500m. “Is chris carter the joker who runs in full adidas kit and most of the time runs outside 4minutes? [sic]” asked ‘another day hey’. And he/she/it is right. How dare an athlete wear matching kit to a race! That is absolutely scandalous. The Echo cannot support such a policy and thus is calling on all athletes to ensure that their kit does not match from now on. And while we’re at it, the BMC simply must stop organising these high quality races. If we aren’t careful, this country’s generation of wasters will be running out of excuses to spout on Eightlane and Letsrun. David Cameron: are you listening?
Monday, 12 July 2010
NEWS UPDATE
TEENAGE KICKS: Gerrard hopes to transfer his "passion" for working with youngsters to athletics
GERRARD EYES COACHING ROLE
Steven Gerrard is “actively considering” taking up a job within UKA after he retires from football, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The multi-millionaire Liverpudlian- who captained England during their recent failure at the World Cup- has said that he wants to “give something back” to the country once his footballing days end. “I enjoy working with kids,” Gerrard said from his hide-out in Mexico, “I think that football is being tarnished somewhat and I watch athletics on the television a fair bit. I think I could add a lot of value.” Gerrard has often been praised for his “enormous heart and lungs” when on and off the football pitch and UKA officials are secretly hoping he can turn that fitness and fighting (in a purely self-defensive way) spirit to “transforming British distance running”. However, an insider revealed that it was unlikely Gerrard would be let loose on the senior ranks for a while. “It’s a tricky business and it will take time,” said the source, “Steven has a particularly positive impact on the ladies and so we are thinking of assigning him to the Junior Girls. I doubt he can do much harm there and can move on to the grown-ups when he is ready.”
MISERABLE McLEOD FORCED TO RUE MISSED SOLIHULL OPPORTUNITY
Ryan McLeod has conceded that he made a “catastrophic error” in opting for a race in Belgium over the BMC Solihull Grand Prix. The Tipton Harrier was left red faced when he was only able to chalk up his third fastest 5000m performance at the Belgium meeting, whilst the Solihull event was won by landscape gardener, Mark Draper. Disappointed Eightlaners were upset at missing a potential showdown between the pair: “this is the guy who bleats at not being given paid trips [14:01] his dad [Olympic Silver Medallist, Mike McLeod] would have been embarressed [sic] to be offered anythig [sic] for that,” thundered ‘shouldhebepaid’ in reference to the fact that McLeod had to pay for his journey. A spokesman for the McLeod camp said that his charge was “saddened” to hear that the Eightlane community were getting exercised again. “Obviously, Ryan would rather have been involved in a race where two people broke 14:20 as opposed to one where ten ran under 13:50, but these things happen,” said the source, adding that he was “deeply sorry” to anyone who had taken exception to his race choices.
ASTON TO BLAME: WHITTLE
Ed Aston has been blamed for Rob Whittle's calamitous closing 150m in the ‘B’ race of the 1500m at Solihull on Saturday evening. The Loughborough star slammed Aston for running “an inspirational race” just moments before his own. “I watched that and as a result went out too hard,” sighed Whittle after the race, “it’s all his [Aston’s] fault. I hope he is happy now.” Aston was imperious in front running the majority of his race and being rewarded with a 1:47.96 PB. A Loughborough spokesman has confirmed that they will be asking the BMC to caution the Cambridge & Coleridge star against running so well again. “It just isn’t on to expect other athletes to watch superb performances like that and then go out and run sensibly,” said the official, “frankly we think it’s a little selfish.”
POLICE IN BOWSER FOUL UP
Police have thanked readers of the Lufbra Echo for their help in trying to locate the missing athlete Matt Bowser, but have been forced to concede that they bungled a move to intercept him on Sunday evening. “Mr. Bowser arrived back at Stansted airport after a race oversees,” said Dt. Supt. Lukatme who is leading the investigation, “somehow he gave us the slip. We are still looking for him and once again worn against approaching this man.” In an ironic twist, it seems likely that Bowser escaped the police by using the Garmin that UKA are trying to locate. UKA officials have spoken of Charles Van Commenee’s “sleepless nights” over the missing gadget and reiterated an appeal for its safe return. “Please, Matt have the heart to bring the Garmin home,” said the press secretary, “it’s never too late”.
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
OUTRAGE AS UKA EXECUTIVE GETS PAID SALARY SHOCK
UK Athletics have been forced to reveal that they pay their top officials a salary. The Governing Body went to the High Court in a desperate bid to block the Freedom of Information request submitted by popular running forum Eightlane. In dramatic proceedings late last night, we at the Lufbra Echo were blocked from revealing the names of the individuals at the centre of the controversy but can confirm that top members of staff are earning a “comfortable wage”. The news has sent shockwaves through the entire sport, with many calling for the immediate resignation of the entire UKA board. Under fire Chairman, Ed Warner, released a statement in the early hours of the morning pledging “absolute transparency” on the matter. “It is unfortunate that UKA has been forced to succumb to market forces and I am sorry to say that some of our staff members do get paid a salary,” said the clearly tired Warner, “we have had exhaustive talks on the matter and where we might go from here, but can tell you that nothing will be decided for at least a fortnight.” Under pressure from the pack of journalists outside Athletics House, Warner refused to rule out the possibility of other members of staff in the future also getting paid work from the Governing Body. The Chairman also defended UKA’s record pointing out the award that they received back in March. “We’re doing fine,” Warner kept repeating before heading back inside for “further talks” with other members of the board.
Many fans of the sport have said that they feel “let down” by UKA. Eightlane has been inundated with angry posters expressing “horrer [sic]” at the situation. The journalist who broke the story, one ‘Flabbergasted’ breathlessly asked “WTF does [unnamed official] do for his cash and what has he done thus far?” Feelings certainly then ran high, as stunned users could not reconcile the fact that some people in athletics received income from the sport: “he [one individual who gets paid] wasn;t [sic] recruited by a transparent process” thundered ‘Not UK Sport’. Meanwhile, ‘Truth’ branded the individual whom the Echo cannot name “an arrogant tosser” and opined, “he [mystery man] will be sacked by 2012”. ‘Jealous’ chose to attack the unnamed official’s dress sense, “he was dressed like a tramp on Sunday,” the anonymous poster helpfully pointed out, adding that the chief should “work on his image to gain some respect”.
Many fans of the sport have said that they feel “let down” by UKA. Eightlane has been inundated with angry posters expressing “horrer [sic]” at the situation. The journalist who broke the story, one ‘Flabbergasted’ breathlessly asked “WTF does [unnamed official] do for his cash and what has he done thus far?” Feelings certainly then ran high, as stunned users could not reconcile the fact that some people in athletics received income from the sport: “he [one individual who gets paid] wasn;t [sic] recruited by a transparent process” thundered ‘Not UK Sport’. Meanwhile, ‘Truth’ branded the individual whom the Echo cannot name “an arrogant tosser” and opined, “he [mystery man] will be sacked by 2012”. ‘Jealous’ chose to attack the unnamed official’s dress sense, “he was dressed like a tramp on Sunday,” the anonymous poster helpfully pointed out, adding that the chief should “work on his image to gain some respect”.
Friday, 25 June 2010
AAAs AND MORE......
BIRMINGHAM SET FOR UK CHAMPS
Security is set to be “tighter than ever before” at the UK Championships, according to UKA insiders. It is believed that UKA have tightened the ticketing policy after thousands of touts were arrested outside the ground last year and many fans were turned away having bought counterfeit tickets. The ugly scenes that appeared on the final Sunday of the 2009 event- with many desperate supporters charging the gate in a bid to get inside- are the subject of an ongoing judicial review, the results of which will be published later this year. A senior UKA source said that lessons would be learned from past mistakes. “The police have doubled their provision,” said the member of Neils De Vos’ office, “I think it is fair to say we underestimated the animosity that existed between rival sets of fans last year.” Crowd segregation is to be “absolute” for the first time since the Coe-Ovett era, a time that saw many hooligans handed life bans.
On the track, UKA chiefs have been keen to play down rumours that the distance events will suffer from being so close to the Trafford Grand Prix to be held on Tuesday. Event organisers from Stretford have been talking up their “tremendous fields” and “cast iron guarantees from top guns” and this has angered some inside UKA. “I am certain that the National Championships will prevail,” said UKA’s events secretary, “we have made it clear to all at Trafford that such scheduling in future will be viewed very dimly.”
BEEB COMMITS TO ‘MORE COVERAGE THAN EVER’
The BBC have confirmed that the athletics will be given “prime time billing” and as such “at least 45 minutes” of live action will be shown over the course of the weekend. It is at this stage unclear who will be anchoring the coverage as Sue Barker is tied up at Wimbledon and the rest of the BBC Sport team has been dispatched to South Africa. An insider said, “to be honest, we could have done with England going out on Wednesday. We need some guys back here.” Jonathan Edwards once again “failed to impress” in his anchorage of the European Team Championships last weekend, and thus it seems likely that Hazel Irvine will be brought out of the wilderness she has inhabited since the now infamous Crystal Palace-gate last year. Irvine courted heavy criticism after looking like she was about to “burst with excitement” at the news of a failed Jamaican drug test and was accused of “going to pieces” when attempting to interview Usain Bolt. The BBC have not yet confirmed whether Phil Jones will be available to ask athletes “how they feel”, as he was last seen harassing exhausted tennis players in SW19.
CAPELLO IN SHOCK VISIT TO McLEOD PREPARATION SESSION
VAN COMMENEE SUPPORTS DRUG CHEATS ‘BECAUSE HE GREW UP IN AMSTERDAM’
Angry Eightlaners have hit out at UKA’s performance chief after he was seen to show support to Britain’s number one sprinter, Dwain Chambers. In some fearful reviews on the popular running forum, Van Commonee is accused of “[spending] many of his formative years in the cafes of Amsterdam” on the grounds that he lived “in the suburbs” as a youngster. The anonymous poster, who presumably did not spend many of his/her formative years in the schools of England, went on to add “someone in UKA who does understand the British public needs to have a quiet word”. ‘Outlook’, clearly horrified by the situation, added: “there is wacky backy and hash cake on sale in every city centre bar”. This, coupled with his “suicidal” backing of Chambers, clearly proves that Van Commenee must have spent his entire childhood doped up and is now causing “Women’s Institute types [to be] switching off their televisions in disgust” [‘Point’ et al.,2010]. One can’t help but feel that the Dutchman’s position is now untenable and his resignation will surely follow.
ISNER AND MAHUT MATCH LONGER THAN RADCLIFFE TRAINING RUN
The Wimbledon tennis match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut lasted longer than one of Paula Radcliffe’s ‘medium length’ runs. The revelation comes as Radcliffe lambasted members of the press for praising the two players’ staying power. “This is the problem with tennis players,” fumed the usually placid Radcliffe, “they stay on court for a little longer than they would have hoped and suddenly they want they earth. It’s pathetic.” Revealing that she has “warmed down for longer than their entire match”, Radcliffe maintained that she did not train too hard. “If other people spent the time I did running, then maybe we wouldn’t be in the mess that we are now in,” she said from her toe strengthening suite, “my injuries are nothing to do with over training.” In an unusually vocal mood, Radcliffe also furiously denied speculation that her next child would be named ‘Nike’.
Security is set to be “tighter than ever before” at the UK Championships, according to UKA insiders. It is believed that UKA have tightened the ticketing policy after thousands of touts were arrested outside the ground last year and many fans were turned away having bought counterfeit tickets. The ugly scenes that appeared on the final Sunday of the 2009 event- with many desperate supporters charging the gate in a bid to get inside- are the subject of an ongoing judicial review, the results of which will be published later this year. A senior UKA source said that lessons would be learned from past mistakes. “The police have doubled their provision,” said the member of Neils De Vos’ office, “I think it is fair to say we underestimated the animosity that existed between rival sets of fans last year.” Crowd segregation is to be “absolute” for the first time since the Coe-Ovett era, a time that saw many hooligans handed life bans.
On the track, UKA chiefs have been keen to play down rumours that the distance events will suffer from being so close to the Trafford Grand Prix to be held on Tuesday. Event organisers from Stretford have been talking up their “tremendous fields” and “cast iron guarantees from top guns” and this has angered some inside UKA. “I am certain that the National Championships will prevail,” said UKA’s events secretary, “we have made it clear to all at Trafford that such scheduling in future will be viewed very dimly.”
BEEB COMMITS TO ‘MORE COVERAGE THAN EVER’
The BBC have confirmed that the athletics will be given “prime time billing” and as such “at least 45 minutes” of live action will be shown over the course of the weekend. It is at this stage unclear who will be anchoring the coverage as Sue Barker is tied up at Wimbledon and the rest of the BBC Sport team has been dispatched to South Africa. An insider said, “to be honest, we could have done with England going out on Wednesday. We need some guys back here.” Jonathan Edwards once again “failed to impress” in his anchorage of the European Team Championships last weekend, and thus it seems likely that Hazel Irvine will be brought out of the wilderness she has inhabited since the now infamous Crystal Palace-gate last year. Irvine courted heavy criticism after looking like she was about to “burst with excitement” at the news of a failed Jamaican drug test and was accused of “going to pieces” when attempting to interview Usain Bolt. The BBC have not yet confirmed whether Phil Jones will be available to ask athletes “how they feel”, as he was last seen harassing exhausted tennis players in SW19.
CAPELLO IN SHOCK VISIT TO McLEOD PREPARATION SESSION
VAN COMMENEE SUPPORTS DRUG CHEATS ‘BECAUSE HE GREW UP IN AMSTERDAM’
Angry Eightlaners have hit out at UKA’s performance chief after he was seen to show support to Britain’s number one sprinter, Dwain Chambers. In some fearful reviews on the popular running forum, Van Commonee is accused of “[spending] many of his formative years in the cafes of Amsterdam” on the grounds that he lived “in the suburbs” as a youngster. The anonymous poster, who presumably did not spend many of his/her formative years in the schools of England, went on to add “someone in UKA who does understand the British public needs to have a quiet word”. ‘Outlook’, clearly horrified by the situation, added: “there is wacky backy and hash cake on sale in every city centre bar”. This, coupled with his “suicidal” backing of Chambers, clearly proves that Van Commenee must have spent his entire childhood doped up and is now causing “Women’s Institute types [to be] switching off their televisions in disgust” [‘Point’ et al.,2010]. One can’t help but feel that the Dutchman’s position is now untenable and his resignation will surely follow.
ISNER AND MAHUT MATCH LONGER THAN RADCLIFFE TRAINING RUN
The Wimbledon tennis match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut lasted longer than one of Paula Radcliffe’s ‘medium length’ runs. The revelation comes as Radcliffe lambasted members of the press for praising the two players’ staying power. “This is the problem with tennis players,” fumed the usually placid Radcliffe, “they stay on court for a little longer than they would have hoped and suddenly they want they earth. It’s pathetic.” Revealing that she has “warmed down for longer than their entire match”, Radcliffe maintained that she did not train too hard. “If other people spent the time I did running, then maybe we wouldn’t be in the mess that we are now in,” she said from her toe strengthening suite, “my injuries are nothing to do with over training.” In an unusually vocal mood, Radcliffe also furiously denied speculation that her next child would be named ‘Nike’.
Saturday, 19 June 2010
POWER OF 10 FORCED TO REMOVE ATHLETE PROFILE
The Power of Ten, who are responsible for recording all performances in track and field in the UK have confirmed that they have removed the profile of a well known athlete after he/she complained. Website insiders have revealed that they were "scared for their credibility" after threatening comments filtered back to them from the athlete in question. "As a result, we are unable to even confirm the sex of the complainer," the source continued going on to describe the behaviour as "petty and ridiculous". It is thought that the unnamed, but supposedly "prominent" star felt that others may be laughing at his/her recent performances (or lack of them) behind his/her back. The move has angered many as he/she did not use "official channels" to lodge the complaint. "I only heard about it when a friend phoned me in the early hours of the morning," explained a website supremo, "obviously we had to take immediate action, but cannot understand the issue here." It seems that threats were issued via the usage of the popular running forum, Eightlane and then directly to pals of the Power of Ten head honchos.
UKA officials have said that they are "disappointed" with the decision on both levels. Speaking exclusively to the Lufbra Echo, endurance chief Ian Stewart said, "there's no f*****g place for athletes who take themselves so f*****g seriously. At the end of the f*****g day, everyone f*****g needs to toughen the f**k up. I must f*****g say that I would have left the f*****g profile on the f*****g site- f*****g cowards!" Stewart, who was speaking from the European Team Championships in Norway had to then break off the interview in order to claim some drinks on expenses.
UKA officials have said that they are "disappointed" with the decision on both levels. Speaking exclusively to the Lufbra Echo, endurance chief Ian Stewart said, "there's no f*****g place for athletes who take themselves so f*****g seriously. At the end of the f*****g day, everyone f*****g needs to toughen the f**k up. I must f*****g say that I would have left the f*****g profile on the f*****g site- f*****g cowards!" Stewart, who was speaking from the European Team Championships in Norway had to then break off the interview in order to claim some drinks on expenses.
Thursday, 17 June 2010
NEWS ROUND-UP
SCRATCHING HEAD ‘ADDS 10% T0 PERFORMANCE’: REPORT
A research project seen by the Lufbra Echo has told of how scratching your head in a “rhythmic circular motion” can increase performance in a 5km running trial by as much as 10%. Researchers at the University of North Dunstable have hailed “a great day for performance sport” and UK Athletics are said to be drafting up new guidelines for distribution to performance centres across the country. The paper- which has yet to be published- concludes that endurance athletes should scratch their heads in the hours immediately prior to performance. “We found that three hours before a race or significant workout was the best time,” said Prof. N. O. Sense who headed up the team, “scratching athletes reported feeling less pain, less fatigue and more vigour than a control group.” The scratchers seemingly also performed far better with quicker times being consistently recorded. It was not all good news however, as the technique was shown to have “no significant effect” on sprint performance. “If anything [performance] declined,” said N. O. Sense, “we are unsure why, but think it likely that the sprinters struggled with the complexities of using the circular motion.” Bad news too for all nose pickers out there as a regular practice of picking one’s nose had “only a small effect” on an athlete’s ability to breathe. “That was disappointing,” said N. O. Sense, “but at least we know where to focus our energy now.” The research team dismissed suggestions that doing a little extra mileage could have a positive impact on running performance. “What utter nonsense,” thundered a senior researcher, “we really haven’t got time to entertain such ridiculous ideas.”
WATFORD TRACK ‘NOT SHORT’: UKA
UK Athletics have reacted angrily to suggestions that the Watford track is short by 2 metres. The accusations came on popular running forums Eightlane and Letsrun after several athletes were seen to run faster than they were “capable of”. “Clearly short,” harrumphed one Eightlaner, “uka reely need to sought this out. How cum all these peepel suddenely run pbs? [sic]”. An insider at the Governing Body revealed that an official track measurer had been called in and confirmed that it had been given the all clear. “Ben Green kindly looked it up on Google Earth,” revealed our source, “and on the third time through it came up at exactly the right distance. If anything it’s long.” Meanwhile, the BMC have confirmed that all times from the recent Grand Prix held at the stadium will stand. This news comes despite widespread anger that video evidence suggested that some times (taken by the official time keepers) were clearly wrong. A spokesman said, “we can’t go around changing times on the whim of a few disgruntled slow coaches.” It was added that there were no plans to “just make the times up” at the next Grand Prix.
A research project seen by the Lufbra Echo has told of how scratching your head in a “rhythmic circular motion” can increase performance in a 5km running trial by as much as 10%. Researchers at the University of North Dunstable have hailed “a great day for performance sport” and UK Athletics are said to be drafting up new guidelines for distribution to performance centres across the country. The paper- which has yet to be published- concludes that endurance athletes should scratch their heads in the hours immediately prior to performance. “We found that three hours before a race or significant workout was the best time,” said Prof. N. O. Sense who headed up the team, “scratching athletes reported feeling less pain, less fatigue and more vigour than a control group.” The scratchers seemingly also performed far better with quicker times being consistently recorded. It was not all good news however, as the technique was shown to have “no significant effect” on sprint performance. “If anything [performance] declined,” said N. O. Sense, “we are unsure why, but think it likely that the sprinters struggled with the complexities of using the circular motion.” Bad news too for all nose pickers out there as a regular practice of picking one’s nose had “only a small effect” on an athlete’s ability to breathe. “That was disappointing,” said N. O. Sense, “but at least we know where to focus our energy now.” The research team dismissed suggestions that doing a little extra mileage could have a positive impact on running performance. “What utter nonsense,” thundered a senior researcher, “we really haven’t got time to entertain such ridiculous ideas.”
WATFORD TRACK ‘NOT SHORT’: UKA
UK Athletics have reacted angrily to suggestions that the Watford track is short by 2 metres. The accusations came on popular running forums Eightlane and Letsrun after several athletes were seen to run faster than they were “capable of”. “Clearly short,” harrumphed one Eightlaner, “uka reely need to sought this out. How cum all these peepel suddenely run pbs? [sic]”. An insider at the Governing Body revealed that an official track measurer had been called in and confirmed that it had been given the all clear. “Ben Green kindly looked it up on Google Earth,” revealed our source, “and on the third time through it came up at exactly the right distance. If anything it’s long.” Meanwhile, the BMC have confirmed that all times from the recent Grand Prix held at the stadium will stand. This news comes despite widespread anger that video evidence suggested that some times (taken by the official time keepers) were clearly wrong. A spokesman said, “we can’t go around changing times on the whim of a few disgruntled slow coaches.” It was added that there were no plans to “just make the times up” at the next Grand Prix.
Sunday, 13 June 2010
WATFORD BMC ROUND UP......
ANGER AS McCORMICK WEARS DATED KIT
Nick McCormick is likely to face the wrath of Nike executives early next week after he wore last year’s kit at yesterday evening’s Watford Grand Prix. Shocked bystanders watched the North East star line up in the 800m ‘D’ race- where he expressed his anger at having to share a lane. One said, “Nick was clearly upset at being made to share the territory. I think he must have forgotten to change into this year’s new style.” However, insiders have revealed more sinister goings on. It appears that Mr. McCormick “does not like” the new kit as it does not suit his new haircut. “He hates it,” said a source, “when it was delivered he threw it on the ground in disgust. I doubt he will wear it at all this season.” No one was available for comment at Nike this evening, but it seems likely that their athlete will be forced to explain himself. One anonymous source at the sporting giant said that the cut off for the old kit fell on Thursday. “All athletes will have been sent a memo urging them to destroy their old vests and shorts on the 10th June,” said the senior aide, “it was made clear that old kit will no longer be tolerated.” McCormick was racing in the UK for the first time this season, after a period of enforced exile owing to his “horrifically short” hair cut. Speaking afterwards, he revealed that it was “still in the balance” as to whether he would be allowed to compete at the Crystal Palace Diamond League next month. “I reckon it [the hair] will grow enough by then,” said the 3:33 1500m man, “it really comes down to whether I want to spend a significant period of time in the hell hole that it Crystal Palace.”
McLEOD UNNERVED BY BOO-BOYS
Ryan McLeod ventured out in public for the first time since his major bust up with bitter rival Tom Russell. The Tipton Harrier opted to pace make the 5,000m ‘A’ race, but his name was greeted by a chorus of boos from the stands. Despite pleas from officials to show him the respect he deserved, McLeod had to endure repeated insults from angered West Country folk- the Metropolitan Police have revealed that a total of three individuals were arrested for “public order offenses.” It is unlikely that any of the three will be charged. In the race itself, it became clear from the start that McLeod was not himself. As early as the second lap, he was attempting to usher chasing athletes though to “share the pace”. It was not until a BMC official reminded him that he was being paid to lead the race, that the 13:54 man settled down. The damage to Luke Cragg’s race was done however and the US based man was furious after his race. “You expect better than that,” harrumphed the England international, “I saw Ryan pacing the locker room before and could see he was freaked out by the situation. When I debrief him, he’ll know what I think.”
TIMEKEEPING WRONG: EIGHTLANE
Distraught Eightlaners have called for immediate action after watching videos of several of last night’s races. “BMC please read this, watch the video and sort the results out,” pleaded ‘1500 result?’, whilst his/her/its presumed brother/sister/other life form, ‘1500m results’ supported the view, “not great time keeping”. It seems much of the evidence base for the allegations stems from video footage that has been placed on the internet. In light of such overwhelmingly clear (as long as you have it up on a very fast bandwidth and ignore the glitches) evidence will result in the timekeepers who were standing directly in line with the finish being overturned? ‘1500 result?’ certainly hopes so-“there is something seriously wrong with this [1500m ‘A’ race] result- look at 10th, 11th, 12th and 13th position.” Regrettably, Mr ‘1500 result?’ appears not to have all of his facts in line, “Luke Gunn dips someone on the line, who I assume is the Dutch athlete but he’s 0.2 behind on the result”. Outrageous! An unnamed athlete may or may not have beaten Luke Gunn and this may or may not be clear from the video. Court of Arbitration for Sport here we come!
Nick McCormick is likely to face the wrath of Nike executives early next week after he wore last year’s kit at yesterday evening’s Watford Grand Prix. Shocked bystanders watched the North East star line up in the 800m ‘D’ race- where he expressed his anger at having to share a lane. One said, “Nick was clearly upset at being made to share the territory. I think he must have forgotten to change into this year’s new style.” However, insiders have revealed more sinister goings on. It appears that Mr. McCormick “does not like” the new kit as it does not suit his new haircut. “He hates it,” said a source, “when it was delivered he threw it on the ground in disgust. I doubt he will wear it at all this season.” No one was available for comment at Nike this evening, but it seems likely that their athlete will be forced to explain himself. One anonymous source at the sporting giant said that the cut off for the old kit fell on Thursday. “All athletes will have been sent a memo urging them to destroy their old vests and shorts on the 10th June,” said the senior aide, “it was made clear that old kit will no longer be tolerated.” McCormick was racing in the UK for the first time this season, after a period of enforced exile owing to his “horrifically short” hair cut. Speaking afterwards, he revealed that it was “still in the balance” as to whether he would be allowed to compete at the Crystal Palace Diamond League next month. “I reckon it [the hair] will grow enough by then,” said the 3:33 1500m man, “it really comes down to whether I want to spend a significant period of time in the hell hole that it Crystal Palace.”
McLEOD UNNERVED BY BOO-BOYS
Ryan McLeod ventured out in public for the first time since his major bust up with bitter rival Tom Russell. The Tipton Harrier opted to pace make the 5,000m ‘A’ race, but his name was greeted by a chorus of boos from the stands. Despite pleas from officials to show him the respect he deserved, McLeod had to endure repeated insults from angered West Country folk- the Metropolitan Police have revealed that a total of three individuals were arrested for “public order offenses.” It is unlikely that any of the three will be charged. In the race itself, it became clear from the start that McLeod was not himself. As early as the second lap, he was attempting to usher chasing athletes though to “share the pace”. It was not until a BMC official reminded him that he was being paid to lead the race, that the 13:54 man settled down. The damage to Luke Cragg’s race was done however and the US based man was furious after his race. “You expect better than that,” harrumphed the England international, “I saw Ryan pacing the locker room before and could see he was freaked out by the situation. When I debrief him, he’ll know what I think.”
TIMEKEEPING WRONG: EIGHTLANE
Distraught Eightlaners have called for immediate action after watching videos of several of last night’s races. “BMC please read this, watch the video and sort the results out,” pleaded ‘1500 result?’, whilst his/her/its presumed brother/sister/other life form, ‘1500m results’ supported the view, “not great time keeping”. It seems much of the evidence base for the allegations stems from video footage that has been placed on the internet. In light of such overwhelmingly clear (as long as you have it up on a very fast bandwidth and ignore the glitches) evidence will result in the timekeepers who were standing directly in line with the finish being overturned? ‘1500 result?’ certainly hopes so-“there is something seriously wrong with this [1500m ‘A’ race] result- look at 10th, 11th, 12th and 13th position.” Regrettably, Mr ‘1500 result?’ appears not to have all of his facts in line, “Luke Gunn dips someone on the line, who I assume is the Dutch athlete but he’s 0.2 behind on the result”. Outrageous! An unnamed athlete may or may not have beaten Luke Gunn and this may or may not be clear from the video. Court of Arbitration for Sport here we come!
Sunday, 6 June 2010
RUNNERSLIFE IN EIGHTLANE SLUR
“Nonsensical tosh written by idiots, for idiots” was the shocking accusation levelled at popular running forum Eightlane.com this evening. The rant came from the Chief Executive of fierce rival, runnerslife.co.uk, after several months of underhand blows. Runnerslife has accused Eightlane founder, Alan Wales, of employing “dirty tricks” in a bid to lure their athletes away to post training logs onto his sites. Lawyers for Mr. Wales have dismissed the complaints as “nonsense”, but the Welsh-based Runnerslife may well cite the recent departure of Stephen Sharp as evidence- the Belgrave man has been a regular fixture on Eightlane since he quit Runnerslife. It is no secret that Sharp complained to the Runnerslife management on several occasions that he was not receiving adequate protection from “slanderous, baseless filth” appearing as comments on his blog and rival sites. Speaking earlier in the year, Sharp said “it is what drove Mark Draper away and the same is happening to me. We put ourselves out there and get shot down. Where are the lawyers when you need them?” It is thought that Runnerslife are “very nervous” that they could lose Sharp’s coaching charge, Nick Goolab, if they do not act now.
Runnerslife insiders have also revealed that website chiefs are “absolutely fuming” that a potential move for Eightlane regular, Luke Cragg was thwarted. Our source said, “Cragg was ready to join the team, but pulled out at the last moment. We all know it is because Wales threatened him with de-registration.” Wales could be in hot water this week after Runnerslife reported comments made on his site in the recent McLeod-Russell dispute to Ofcom. It is rumoured that McLeod threatened to “up sticks and leave” if his website did not back him in the spat and regulators at Runnerslife are said to be “disappointed” that the thread in question was not frozen. “They wonder why they are losing viewership to Letsrun.com [another rival], well it’s that sort of behaviour that drives them away,” said a Runnerslife executive.
Eightlane took unsuccessful legal action when the “fly on the wall” style rival launched a forum of its own last year. A High Court judge threw out the claims as “everyone is entitled to have a forum- we all look forward to reading what anonymous people think about other anonymous people”. At the time, Runnerslife received a rough-ride on the boards of its rival. “Runnerslife is awful,” thundered ‘Rubbish’, “I read some [training logs] the other day that said something like Thursday – 7 tempo.... WTF?” Whilst ‘Fanofboth’ was keen to remain impartial, others clearly had it in for the plucky Welsh site. “That runnerslife lot fink they are well good [sic]” chortled ‘p*ss off’, “well they shud run well away innit [sic]”.
Runnerslife did, however, find themselves in serious trouble over the axe-gate scandal. Spies on Eightlane circulated rumours that Runnerslife had been shut down leading to the website being inundated with requests for it to stay. It was later proved in court that it had all been a publicity stunt and a “rebranding exercise.” Eightlaners were indignant, “Outrageous,” opined ‘Derek Dogg’, “how can they use Eightlane for such blatant lies?” Runnerslife were ordered to compensate Mr. Wales to the tune of a little over £5,000 for the gaffe. This latest dispute is unlikely to end up in court. However, negation experts ACAS have been placed on standby if a compensatory agreement for the loss of Sharp and Cragg cannot be reached. An ACAS source said that this was “no worse” than the British Airways strikes and that he was confident a solution could be reached. “The lines of communication are open,” said the source, “we just hope that ‘Cod Liver Oil’ and the team play ball”.
Runnerslife insiders have also revealed that website chiefs are “absolutely fuming” that a potential move for Eightlane regular, Luke Cragg was thwarted. Our source said, “Cragg was ready to join the team, but pulled out at the last moment. We all know it is because Wales threatened him with de-registration.” Wales could be in hot water this week after Runnerslife reported comments made on his site in the recent McLeod-Russell dispute to Ofcom. It is rumoured that McLeod threatened to “up sticks and leave” if his website did not back him in the spat and regulators at Runnerslife are said to be “disappointed” that the thread in question was not frozen. “They wonder why they are losing viewership to Letsrun.com [another rival], well it’s that sort of behaviour that drives them away,” said a Runnerslife executive.
Eightlane took unsuccessful legal action when the “fly on the wall” style rival launched a forum of its own last year. A High Court judge threw out the claims as “everyone is entitled to have a forum- we all look forward to reading what anonymous people think about other anonymous people”. At the time, Runnerslife received a rough-ride on the boards of its rival. “Runnerslife is awful,” thundered ‘Rubbish’, “I read some [training logs] the other day that said something like Thursday – 7 tempo.... WTF?” Whilst ‘Fanofboth’ was keen to remain impartial, others clearly had it in for the plucky Welsh site. “That runnerslife lot fink they are well good [sic]” chortled ‘p*ss off’, “well they shud run well away innit [sic]”.
Runnerslife did, however, find themselves in serious trouble over the axe-gate scandal. Spies on Eightlane circulated rumours that Runnerslife had been shut down leading to the website being inundated with requests for it to stay. It was later proved in court that it had all been a publicity stunt and a “rebranding exercise.” Eightlaners were indignant, “Outrageous,” opined ‘Derek Dogg’, “how can they use Eightlane for such blatant lies?” Runnerslife were ordered to compensate Mr. Wales to the tune of a little over £5,000 for the gaffe. This latest dispute is unlikely to end up in court. However, negation experts ACAS have been placed on standby if a compensatory agreement for the loss of Sharp and Cragg cannot be reached. An ACAS source said that this was “no worse” than the British Airways strikes and that he was confident a solution could be reached. “The lines of communication are open,” said the source, “we just hope that ‘Cod Liver Oil’ and the team play ball”.
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