FROM THE EIGHTLANE FORUM.....

Eightlaners respond to the crucial issue to dog the running world this week:

THE RETURN OF SEMENYA


Lookatherballs

Shes so obviously a bloke. Look at how she runs; cum on iaaf lets get this freek banned for life

Interested

What exactly does the test involve? I remember reading about it in an academic journal once, but I don’t think the IAAF have been exactly transparent on this

Fv4.

It is a complex and very interesting process. Physiologically, there can be no dispute that Caster is probably female. That is to say that the IAAF will have engaged in extensive tests to ensure that she is eligible to compete as such. The question is what does SHE see herself as. That would have fascinating psychological implications for the sporting world at large.

Milkman

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Tt_3

What more evidence do you need. SHE’S A GUY FOR SURE. She has a deep voice and runs better than everyone else.

We love simpson

It’s the girls that have to race her I feel sorry for. Imagine having to look at that just before you start.

Get a grip

I think you should all get a grip and go and do sum trainin

Cheatcheatcheat

It’s a common problem in African villages. Caster has clearly been offered enough money to feed her family for a lifetime just to keep quiet. She probably gets a testosterone injection once a week and providing she gets the right dose, the authorities will never know.

BNP Lover

Spot on ‘Cheatcheatcheat’, I am fed up wit them africaans coming and rewining are sport. When are the wimps at wada gonna get on top of this????????????????????????????????? BAN AFRICANS FOR LIFE

GBATHLETICSRULES

I think they should gender test all athletes who beat Semenya

Balls

Surely there is a very simple test that can be done: LOOK AT HER BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RunnersLife

Really interesting interview on Runnerslife with Semenya. They ask her what her opinion is on steady runs, tempos and interval work. She give in depth answers lasting around 25 words. WELL DONE RUNNERSLIFE AND KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK

Agreed

I don’t know the last poster in anyway and I am not from Wales, but have to agree- it’s a really really good read and I don’t think the creators get the respect they deserve.

Grow some balls and take the pace

I rekon the reason everyone h8s RL so much is cos that c*** mcloud posts on their. when is he gonna fuck off and get a reel job rather than post crap about not gettin payed to race abrord?????????

Daddys boy

That’s the best post all day ‘Grow some…’ It’s about time someone spoke up against that bully, McLeod.

Back to the point

But what about that cheat Semenya? Lets not forget that she is rewining are sport.

So is mcleeeeeeooooooddd!

I fink ryans to blame

African Violet

I think that this raises a pertinent question. Is the Loughborough regime responsible for the downfall of athletics in this world and the greater prevalence of drug cheats? Maybe if Gandy and his cronies took their responsibility a bit more seriously, then this would never have happened. I bet that if Semenya was a Gandy athlete, there wouldn’t have been any questions. Like when he shoe-horns shit athletes into the Loughborough International as ‘past’ students. They cheat just as badly.

Old Welshy

I am quite interested in Caster’s training. Although she can run a good 800m, I am not sure if she really has the kick to medal globally over 1500m+. Given that she has two years until the OG, perhaps it is time for her to focus primarily on the half mile distance? I know that she does a lot of ‘base’ work, but this might be wasted when it comes to the crunch

Homo

WHAT PLANET ARE YOU ON WESLSHY??????????????????????????????? Shes a bloke and so wont be aloud to the Olympics

Old Welshy

No reason to get personal. I was only commenting on her training as I know it well

Milkman

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Belgrave=evil

Wen r Belgrave goin to steel semenya for there bal team? Hahahaha!

Spot on

Love that last post. It is about time people publicaly slated Belgrave- they get waaaaaay too much support.

Iblameuka

I think that Stewart is to blame with his fuck of salary and shite dress sense. SACK STEWART, SAVE SEMENYA

Do some runnin

Has anyone ever thought that we may just be wasting our lives talking about things that don’t matter when we could be training and trying to emulate our heroes? Just a thought. Love the site though- well done Alan!

Athleticos????????????

Why haven’t those lazy aresholes at athleticos dun anythink on this? They claim to be passionate about the sport but this is reely crusial stuff and they aint got nuffink.

Cynical

I hate u all. Wen I was runnin in the 1950s loods of peeps wanted ter reed my blogs and now they only give a shit about lesbians and trannies. I nearly thru away all my v95 medals ve over day cos I fort whats ve point. Wife convinsed overwise.

Administrator

This thread is now locked.

DONALDSON IN SIGNAPORE BAR SHAME

Alasdair Donaldson will face a disciplinary hearing at UK Athletics next week after being photographed leaving a “nightclub of questionable orientation” when working at the Youth Olympics in Singapore. The media had been blocked from reporting the story until now after the Scot took out a super injunction towards the end of last week. However in an extraordinary incident late last night, the Newham and Essex Beagle showed pals pictures from inside the “questionable” club on his iPhone. Speaking from the High Court this lunchtime Mr Justice Fair agreed that by doing this, Donaldson had “wilfully contributed” to the story being made public and thus declared the injunction void. We can now reveal that the top endurance coach spent “at least thirty minutes” in the club and consumed “at least one” beverage that may or may not have been alcoholic. The hot spot has since been shut down after a raid by Malaysian police.

It is certainly a headache that UKA can do without, having been forced to deny that the sport had a drink problem earlier in the month when Michael Rimmer was seen intoxicated after the London Grand Prix. Added to this, the Governing Body are investigating claims that a group of Loughborough based stars have “been going on a rampage” in the Leicestershire town. A spokesman for the local police said that they were “watching the situation closely” but denied that Michael Bingham and Martyn Rooney had had to be forcibly removed from a night club over the weekend. A UKA source said that the organisation took the claims against Donaldson “very seriously” but would wait to hear his side of the story before making judgement. “Obviously it’s very worrying,” said the Athletics House insider, “the real shame is that Alasdair didn’t realise that someone of his profile was likely to attract media attention.”

Our source also said that he “did not know” whether Donaldson would still appear on The One Show this evening. The BBC were scheduled to be doing a full feature on the coach in recognition of his “outstanding contribution” to athletics. Just last week a Beeb insider told the Echo that they were planning on running a “complete history” of Donaldson “starting from when he was in school”. The senior executive also revealed that it had taken “many hours” to complete filming. In the wake of today’s stories it seems very unlikely that such a segment can still go ahead, with one member of the production team stating that airing may now be put back several weeks or scrapped altogether.

FANTASY FOOTBALL GAFFE COSTS McCORMICK CARDIFF START

Nick McCormick missed the UK Challenge Final after an error in the selection of his team for this week’s Fantasy Football. The Morpeth star was left fuming after he spotted that his “new signing” was only on the bench and, convinced that it was a flaw in the system, spent several hours on the phone trying to resolve the mix up. Having threatened to “cancel his [free] membership”, McCormick only accepted that he may have been at fault when call centre staff warned that league points would be deducted if he didn’t calm down. “Well obviously it’s disappointing,” thundered McCormick from a press conference this morning, “every point counts in this game and who knows what will happen now. If I am to re-establish myself as a major force on the UK running scene, I simply have to have a strong Fantasy season. Losing to Rimmer again just isn’t an option.”

McCormick – who was slated to run the 800m ‘B’ race – missed the start, having spent too long on the phone with Fantasy officials. “The traffic was a nightmare too,” explained the sheepish Loughborough based man, “so even if I had left on time, I may not have made it.” The snub has left BMC chiefs livid and an insider revealed that “excommunication” from the BMC fraternity had not been ruled out. “This simply isn’t good enough,” said a source, “if people abuse the opportunity to race in such a way, they may have to endure a season at regional events.” McCormick, however, was unrepentant. Branding the meeting “a waste of time anyway”, he bemoaned the “lack of accommodation for big names”. “I get fed up with fans coming and speaking to me,” sighed the GB International, “lately it’s all be ‘Fantasy League this’ and ‘Fantasy League that’. What about me? I am a human being you know. Does anyone think to ask me how I am? How am I doing? No. They only care about whether my keeper kept a clean sheet, or who I am putting as captain. It’s very poor.”

UKA MUST SHARE THE LOVE IF RECOVERY IS TO CONTINUE

The 2010 athletics season will be largely remembered as the year that British distance running remerged from its hiatus of nearly three decades. The performances of Mo Farah and Chris Thompson in Barcelona were no doubt inspirational and Farah’s imperious performance in relieving Dave Moorcroft of his 28 year-old British 5,000m record was one of the season’s many highlights. Strangely, after a cross country season where UKA were lambasted from pillar to post (deservedly so in some cases), something appears to have gone at least half-right over the summer. The performances of Stephanie Twell and Michael Rimmer also show that the middle distances are, whilst not thriving, making solid progress under Stewart, Gandy et al. Whilst it is important not to get carried away – the European Championships are a fair way from World Class as was demonstrated at the Crystal Palace hangover – the British performances in a scandal-free Barcelona will have gone someway to reengaging the British public at large with Track and Field athletics. The only risk being that televisions across the nation are quickly turned off again when the viewer is forced to endure a tortuous interview by Phil Jones or some useless analysis from Denise ‘110%’ Lewis.

With the top level of the sport doing fine (if not well), attention will no doubt shift to the up and comers. It is here that excitement can perhaps be tempered. With some very notable exceptions (Niall Brooks, Richard Goodman and several female 800m runners), this has been a summer without significant breakthroughs. The number of men who are regularly running under 3:40 for 1500m this summer has been lower than ever before and promising winters (and proclamations of 3:36 not being a problem) have come to very little. Whilst bad luck, injury and illness has to take at least some of the flack, the British Milers Club too has seemed a little jaded this summer. This scribe has been one of the BMC’s most outspoken advocates and did himself enter into a pointless dispute on Eightlane about the organisation of the Watford Grand Prix. However, now looking back over the course of the season, it has become clear that all is not what it was.

The aim of the BMC is to advance the performances of the middle-distances by producing a number of quality races throughout the summer. There are many who will question the efficacy of paced races and their role in developing the racing instincts of an athlete, however there is no doubt that this is a sport that is fundamentally judged by time. Therefore, you would think that an organisation that nobly claims its raison d’être is to advance the sport would do their best to ensure that timing was accurate. Alas, timekeepers have been repeatedly embarrassed by the wonderful new initiative that is Athleticos. It has been clear to everybody except those who matter that the timing at several races was completely wrong and yet little has been done to rectify the problems. This culminated in the ultimate humiliation of one evening’s race times being completely void after protocol had been thrown out of the window; several athletes made personal breakthroughs to no avail. One is well aware that this sport relies upon volunteers to run it and it is with a heavy heart that they must be criticised. But the fact remains that when you pay £5 to enter a race, the very least you expect at the end of it is a time that counts. For a timekeeper to allow a race to be run without a starting pistol is the equivalent of a football referee arriving without a whistle. However voluntary, it is unacceptable.

Having alluded to pacemaking, it seems prudent to evaluate it. There are mixed feelings surrounding whether such races are really a good thing. Do they teach the athlete to actually race, or simply teach them to brainlessly follow? Either way, it is irrelevant; the BMC advertise Grand Prix and Gold Standard races on the premise that they will be paced to suit the athletes within each race. Why then were there, in some cases, only 2 pace makers to cover 7 events? Why were ‘A’ 1500m Gold Standard races going with a pacemaker who could only go as far as 500m and some without a pacer at all? It cannot be disputed that quality pacemakers are difficult to come by, but it costs money to enter and it is generally understood that this money is used to pay pacemakers.

Perhaps the BMC has been a victim of its own success. More and more athletes are seeking places with less and less willing to take on the burden of pacemaking. The blame should not be laid squarely at the door of those in charge. The high standard of this organisation means that when these standards slip ever so slightly, it is jumped upon. It has been a fabulous summer and the BMC has no doubt played its part in that. With UKA deservedly patting itself on the back for a job well done in Barcelona, perhaps a little of that good will should cascade down to a bit of funding for an organisation that will doubtless continue to offer a quality platform of British distance talent across the country. Such funding might just make that quality a little higher.

NEW AGE FOR SKY AS MNF RETURNS

It isn’t athletics but it should be. Sky’s brand spanking new series of Monday Night Football returned to our screens last week and it didn’t half do it in style. Richard Keys and Andy Gray put the footballing world to rights with the very latest gadgets and gismos including – as we discovered this week – an indoor mini-pitch. “We don’t really need technology for this, do we?” pondered Keys of one incident. The usually perfectly sensible anchor was surely speaking somewhat ironically given that the whole premise of this ridiculous and unnecessary hour long build-up to the Monday Night match relies on pointless and malfunctioning technology. This week, the “boys downstairs” ran a Stoke non-goal through a computer that magically removed all the other players on the pitch clearly showing that the ball was over the line. “He [referee Chris Foy] will know in his heart of hearts that he should have got that right,” opined Gray of the incident lasting less than a second, having had the opportunity to look at it several million times from several million angles.

Elsewhere, the problem of penalties was thoroughly addressed. “Is the balance of power shifting towards keepers?” asked Keys, “Why?” snapped Gray. Err, because more are being saved than ever before. “Here we have a left footed goalkeeper,” puzzled Keys, “who chooses to dive to the left. Anything in that theory?” Five minutes, probably 30 researcher hours, several thousand pounds and a tired audience later, it was concluded that keepers may or may not be advantaged at the moment and amazingly there may just be something in Keynes’ theory. “So what I’m saying is,” said Gray in a light bulb moment, “if a keeper goes the right way, he has a chance of saving it.” Right, well that’s money well spent then. Afterwards, as if desperate to justify his £25,000 per week price tag, Gray revealed that he had “been thinking about penalties for a couple of weeks.” Uh oh! Sounds dangerous. Indeed it was: “I’m right handed, Richard, so I would go to my right….I’ve been talking to the lads in the office all day….and it’s noticeable that the keepers who are right handed went big right.” Ok fine, but what about Ben Foster? He’s left footed isn’t he? And yet he went right. “Yes, but is he right handed? I was left footed and right handed.” Phew.

Here comes the tenuous link! Wouldn’t it be great if the BBC invested in the same technology for their athletics coverage? Steve Cram and Brendan Foster could thrash out the complexities of the Bekele kick on a virtual track, Jonathon Edwards could thoroughly examine Philips Idowu’s take off having removed everything except his spike. Colin Jackson could play with the heights of the hurdles to debate whether if they were an inch taller, David Oliver would be as proficient. The possibilities are endless. Surely even Phil Jones could use it; a crowd-o-metre could measure “supporter impact” and then comparisons could be drawn with other crowds around the world. Inverdale could be seen hovering above the stadium, conducting things in his Godfather-like way, whilst Denise Lewis could….well, there are always going to be some flaws.

It surely won’t be long before grumblings emerge about the lack of technology in the Beeb’s coverage. The very least they should get is one of the snazzy new iPads that Keys has replaced his clip-board with, even if it was deemed “a bit heavy” last week. Watch this space.

ALTITUDE BLUNDER PROVES COSTLY FOR McLEOD

Ryan McLeod has been rushed to the Leicester Royal Infirmary after becoming trapped in his new altitude tent. The Tipton Harrier “couldn’t find the zip” having spent most of the day in conditions equivalent to an altitude 25,000 feet. McLeod was forced to take a knife to the expensive tent and dialled 999 after failing to get his breath back. Hospital officials have confirmed that a 25 year-old was treated for altitude sickness, but refused to elaborate citing patient confidentiality.

A spokesman for Loughborough Sport lamented McLeod’s “idiotic conduct” stating that the tent was not designed for such high altitude settings. “You wouldn’t open the door of a jumbo jet,” thundered George Gandy’s private secretary, “so why on earth did McLeod think he could spend his whole day at such a stupid altitude?”

A source close to McLeod revealed that the 7:52 3k man thought such a high altitude would have “added training impact” and was seeking to bring about a state of mild hypoxia. “He reasoned that the Kenyans lived high and so he should play Call of Duty even higher,” said the insider, “it only went wrong because he forgot where the zip was. It can be confusing in there you know. It could have happened to anyone.”

It is unlikely that UKA and Loughborough officials will be looking too kindly on the error as the tent has now been rendered effectively useless. After McLeod broke an Alter-G treadmill earlier in the year, it could be a while before he is allowed near any state of the art technology again. It is not yet clear whether he had had his full UKA induction (which takes a week and involves three hour exam at the end), but onlookers have said that it would be unlikely that he would have made such an error if full training had been undertaken. “They go through the whole system,” said an insider, “it really is fool-proof.”

AVERAGE EIGHTLANER OF ‘LIMITED INTELLIGENCE’: REPORT

Eightlaners are amongst the least intelligent in society according to a recent survey. The research team carried out in depth psychometric testing on a random sample of anonymous posters on the popular running forum and found that, on average, posters exhibited a “worryingly poor aptitude for basic functions such as spelling, grammar, punctuation and numeracy.” Common problems included the pluralisation of words via the use of an apostrophe and repeated misunderstandings surrounding the correct usage of the words ‘their’, ‘there’ and ‘they’re’. A research insider revealed that they average IQ of many posters was “double digit at best”. “We’re dealing with the lowest society has to offer here,” continued the source, “it’s shocking stuff”.

The authors of the report- due to be published in the Lancet later this month- concluded that this limited capacity to do anything well was the fundamental reason why posters were “so utterly negative, bitter and twisted in their approach to running and life generally." Other studies have found similar findings in the American site, Letsrun.com. "Our colleagues in Harvard found posters on Letsrun to be slightly more intelligent," said one author, "however, running ability was even worse than exhibited on Eightlane. Average age was also higher and therefore posts tended to be nastier and more personal." Despite this, the research team did note an "alarming shift" towards Eightlane being a site for personal attacks. "Talk of spare tires springs to mind," said one psychologist, "Eightlane gets more and more despicable by the day."

MOORCROFT QUESTIONS FARAH RECORD

Dave Moorcroft has questioned the length of the Zurich track after Mo Farah relieved him of his British record over 5,000m. Speaking from his holiday home in the Maldives, the ex-Coventry star said that he “didn’t even watch” the event that took place on Thursday evening. “My first question afterwards was: ‘where did he do it?’” said a clearly vexed Moorcroft, “when I was told Zurich, I didn’t care- that simply doesn’t count.”

The 13:00.41 5k man looked tired at the hastily arranged press conference and was quick to poor cold water on anyone who was seen to be overly enthusiastic about Farah’s achievement. “Answer me this: did he win the race?” stormed Moorcroft, “no, he didn’t. So how can he say that he is the best Brit of all time? Answer me that- how?” After dismissing an animated Phil Jones of the BBC (who asked Moorcroft how he felt the crowd could have impacted Farah’s run), the ex-British record holder once again turned his ire on Farah. “What’s he done anyway?” he asked, “take it from me: that track is short. Go out and measure it. There’s no way this can happen.”

Whilst standing by his view that he “hadn’t lost a thing”, Moorcroft revealed that Farah had been less than magnanimous in victory. “He sent me a nasty Facebook message,” blubbed Moorcroft, “he said that breaking 13 minutes was easy and he couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. It’s really disappointing when someone treats you like that. He may have run a half decent short 5k, but that is no reason to delete and block me on MySpace.”

For his part, Farah has said that he is “disappointed” with Moorcroft’s attitude. “Jealousy,” thundered the Newham and Essex Beagle, “that’s what it is: jealousy. That’s why he had to go on MySpace- that and Tariku [Bekele] told me to keep that for sub-13 minute athletes only.” Farah went on: “how can he say that the track is short? What planet is he on? Get over it mate- I’m number one around here now.”

Officials at the IAAF refused to go into detail on the spat but did state that they “stood by” their timing systems, which were “of the standard expected at almost all BMC meetings.”

EIGHTLANE U-TURN OF THE WEEK

"Although he [Farah] is reputed to have a kick, his loping style and his closing 400/200 pace is probably not good enough to medal in a global major at 5K...given that there's 3 years to London should he make the move to 10K next season, consolidate in 2011 and be ready in 2012?...Perhaps [Farah is] believing too much in the UKA endurance hype about how fast he could go..."
-'Old Scottie'. 24th August 2009

"As for Mo....altho [sic] he can run 3;34 off a strong pace he doesn't have a good enough kick over the last lap to medal globally over 5k but it's enough over 10K...he has 2 years to make the transition which is eminently do-able [sic]"
-'Old Scottie', again highlighting Mo Farah's inability to 'kick'. 4th March 2010

"Spot on Mo, British record, and ran the race just as I predicted"
-'Old Scottie', in response to Farah's sub-57 second last lap to set a new British record over 5,000m. 19th August 2010.

McLEOD SEASON ENDED BY SWAN RUN IN

Ryan McLeod has had to bring an end to his 2010 track season after being head butted by a Swan, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The 25 year-old was left visibly shaken after being chased by the bird when he was running along the Loughborough canal. “It came out of nowhere,” said the Eightlane favourite, “one minute I was knocking out a tempo and the next I had a swan on me.”

Representatives of the Swan Appreciation Group (SAG) have criticised the Tipton Harrier for jumping into the canal after the Swan and attempting to break its neck. “What else was I supposed to do?” asked McLeod, who was left with cuts and bruises after the incident, “I was only defending myself. I lost my keys in the water as well.”

The swan – who was badly injured – was rushed to a nearby treatment centre and remains in a “critical but stable” condition. A spokesman for the Leicestershire Constabulary revealed that the Swan could face “termination” if it were to recover. “We have opened an investigation into the incident,” said Dt. Supt. Plod of the Anti-Social Swan Behaviour Unit, “if it is proved that the Swan deliberately attacked Mr McLeod, we will have no option but to recommend the Death Penalty.”

McLeod had hoped to round off a hugely successful season in Cardiff next weekend, but these plans have now been ditched. “My new running shoes are ruined, I’ve got a bad cut and I can’t run along the canal,” sighed McLeod from a charity event, “I can’t be expected to compete under these conditions.” The 7:52 3k man has come in for some criticism on the popular running forum Eightlane over the bust up, with one poster demanding that he be “exercuted or sumthink [sic]”. Another anonymous contributor felt sorry for the swan stating that: “mcclouds dad probly had sumfink to do with it. bet he got loads of money for gettin a cut [sic]”.

The local authorities have said that they hope to have the canal “fully operational” by the end of the week, but in the meantime are asking boats and walkers to divert away from the area. “Our forensic team haven’t quite finished yet,” said Dt. Supt. Plod.

McCORMICK FURY AT WALL OF FAME SNUB

Nick McCormick has said that he is “very upset” not to have been asked to sign the Teddington Wall of Fame. The Wall was the subject of a documentary on Echo backed site Athleticos.org and is said to feature some of the best athletic talent in the world. “I can’t believe I wasn’t asked to sign,” thundered McCormick from a hastily arranged press conference in Loughborough, “have you seen the no hopers that have got to sign it? I was in Teddington just last week and no one said a word. It’s very poor.”

Scott Overall, who shares his house with the Wall, revealed that there was a careful screening process for anyone who wanted to sign. “We’ve had problems with some,” said the Blackheath and Bromley man, “the Kenyans haven’t seen a pen before and some of the St. Mary’s lot didn’t know how to spell their name.” Overall said that McCormick’s request would be given “due consideration” but warned against the Morpeth man getting his hopes up. “I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were him,” said the GB International, “we have standards around here and I’m not sure that we can let someone sign it just because they threw their toys out of the pram. The only time that has happened was when Andy Baddeley threatened to bring the universe to an end if we didn’t back down.”

For his part, McCormick has said that he “isn’t interested” in a pity signing. “It’s their loss in my opinion,” said the 3:33.9 1500m runner, “that wall will always be lacking something and they’ll have to deal with that.” Rumours that he was going to start his own wall in Loughborough exclusively for those who have been rejected from the Teddington Wall have so far proved wide of the mark.

ECHO READER TO RUN MARATHON IN AID OF HOME EXTENSION FUND

A reader of the Lufbra Echo has been so motivated by the exploits of the athletes in these pages that he has decided to don his own running shoes and run a marathon in aid of a well-deserving charity. Matt Chancer will run the London Marathon next Spring in order to raise sponsorship money for an extension to his Lincolnshire home. “My wife is always on at me to get it sorted,” enthused Chancer, 43, “and I haven’t got a job and so can’t really afford it.” The ex-decorator came up with the idea when reading our extensive coverage of athletics this summer: “I used to run a lot when I was younger and, after doing some research, I realised I could make a fortune”. Chancer is asking people to dig deep for a worthy cause: “we hope to double the size of our kitchen and also create a living space for our kids,” said the father of four, “all in all, I am looking to raise about £15,000”. Chancer, who phoned the National Accident Helpline after slipping on a wet pavement during heavy rain last December, is banking on generosity akin to that shown to a friend of his. “My mate Tom ran it for some Cancer gig last year and he made a mint,” said the Liverpool FC supporter, “so I figured if he can do it, then so can I.” Chancer has lofty ambitions for completing the marathon inside 2 hours and 10 minutes. “How hard can it be? I’ve seen those Africans do it and they don’t even eat properly.”

If you would like to support Matt in his worthy endeavour then please visit www.justgiving.com/sawyoucoming. “Don’t forget to Gift Aid all donations,” adds Chancer whilst heading out the door with his balaclava, “I get 28% more then. Bonus!”

MATTHEWS IN CRISIS

‘STUPID’ KENYANS FRUSTRATE BADDELEY

Andy Baddeley has blamed “inane conversations with stupid athletes” for his less than impressive form this season. In a revealing interview with the Lufbra Echo, the British number one bemoaned the intelligence of the average Kenyan. “Let’s face it,” said the Cambridge graduate, “[the Kenyans] aren’t on the same level as me. They’re dull and I can’t stand making small talk with anybody- least of all them.” Baddeley, who claims to be in the shape of his life athletically, has not troubled his personal records since 2008 but has refused to let this get to him. “With 150m to go at the European Championships I was certain I would win the Gold Medal,” said the Harrow man, “but then I realised that my IQ was higher than the rest of the field put together and it put me right off.” Baddeley also said that his campaign for all athletes to be degree educated was not going as well as he might have hoped. “It’s for everyone’s benefit,” thundered the one time 3:49 miler, “I just can’t stand sitting in call rooms with a procession of dumb ass Kenyans staring blankly into space or at their managers. I tried to strike up a conversation with Asbel Kiprop about the complexities of particle physics and he didn’t know what I was talking about.”

Baddeley, who says that his part time lecturing at St. Mary’s is charity work for the “intellectually challenged”, has been forced to mount a rigorous defence of his racing tactics this season. Steve Cram and Brendan Foster both felt that he overestimated his ability to kick away from his rivals in the European Championships. “What an earth do they [Cram and Foster] know about how to run a race? I really do get tired of simpletons telling me what to do,” said the fifth placer, “I executed my races perfectly; it was just my realisation of how intelligent I am comparatively wrought havoc with my psychophysiology.” Many have also questioned Baddeley’s decision to stick with New Balance as his sponsor despite lucrative approaches from Nike and Adidas: “This is because New Balance understand my intellectual quality,” he explained whilst showing off his Graduation certificates from Cambridge, “Nike is for idiots who can’t handle more complex logos.”

INVERDALE UNDERLINES MONOPOLY, BUT THERE’S NO ESCAPING PHIL JONES

“And a word, Tyson about the crowd?” The obligatory ‘crowd question’ dominates just about all of the BBC’s Phil Jones’ interviews, as if the crowd is that much different from any other the world class athletes have competed in front of on the European circuit (or indeed the Olympic Games or World Championships). Jones is never content with just a cursory “it’s always nice when the spectators are so enthusiastic”. Such a flippant response will be met with a follow up: “but what about this crowd?” Yesterday, Blanka Vlasic was deemed to have sounded less than absolutely ecstatic about the crowd support and so Jones tried a different angle: "in this weather too". Seemingly, there is no escaping the man with the BBC microphone as some bright spark at the Beeb came up with the idea that he could be a ‘roaming’ reporter from now on. Gone are the days when disappointed failures can hurry through the mixed zone avoiding eye contact. Now you get the feeling that Jones will chase any potential interviewee all the way back to his/her hotel in order to understand how the crowd may or may not have influenced their performance.

No such problems for John Inverdale who is fast becoming the Godfather of BBC sports coverage. Only the very select few (BBC darling Jess Ennis) got the nod to be interviewed by the great man. Inverdale's interviews are astoundingly effective as there is a feeling of the headmaster's study about his booth: the athlete is almost certainly more in awe of Inverdale than the other way around. If athletes are battling to escape the Jones treatment, any sports fan really can’t get away from Inverdale. Whatever the sport, Inverdale is there: swimming, horse jumping, tennis, golf, rugby, athletics: you name it- he's covering it. Indeed back in June, on what should have been his day off from Wimbledon coverage, the maestro was hurriedly dispatched to Birmingham Alexander stadium to cover for the bungling Jonathan Edwards. One can’t help thinking that the veteran broadcaster does as he wishes as producers are fearful of what could be an almighty kick off. Surely it is no co-incidence that Sue Barker is looking increasingly uncomfortable on A Question of Sport and Gary Lineker looks like a dead man walking on Match of the Day. The Inverdale juggernaut is seemingly unstoppable; just ask Hazel Irvine who has been sent to the wilderness of women's golf, probably after knocking the Godfather's water over or something.

Inverdale’s showing at Crystal Palace after what was an obviously draining European campaign was made to look all the more impressive by the limp displays of Colin Jackson and Denise Lewis. For too long now, these two have failed to deliver and Inverdale was only too ready to pounce on such weakness. And so when it came to analysing Mo Farah’s 3000m, the distance runners in the commentary box were deemed surplus to requirements by the rampant Inverdale who decided to quiz Lewis (a heptathlete) and Jackson (a hurdler) about it instead. In a ‘rabbit caught in headlights’ moment, Lewis concluded that Farah had “given it his all”, which was met with an “absolutely” from Jackson. Inverdale could barely hide the smile from his face.

Happily, Denise Lewis seems totally incapable of saying anything nasty (or indeed of any value). This is perfect for a meeting in which the British athletes undoubtedly crashed back down to earth from the dizzy heights of European glory. “It’s really hard to get yourself motivated for meetings like this after the major Championships” preached Lewis. Is it? The obvious first question is whether an event in which 10.18 seconds is good enough for a silver medal in the 100m can really be classed as “major”; and then there is the question of whether it should matter. We do not hear of many surgeons who, after a patient dies, sigh and say that they were struggling to get over performing well at a “major” operation last week. Sensationally, the only individual who appears to have conceded as much was the much loved Mark ‘most definitely’ Lewis-Francis. “This is what I do for a living,” said the European silver medallist whilst making some strange movements with his hands, “there’s no excuse”. Unfortunately, Lewis-Francis had already humiliated himself by choosing to point enthusiastically at his baton having won the 4x100m relay whilst mouthing to the camera, “I’m number one!” That’s debatable, but what cannot be debated is that the baton was clearly embossed with the number 3. Such stupid behaviour could well be met with an Inverdale summons early next week.

ROUNDING EVERYTHING UP

GREAT NEWS fans! We're back. Rumours that "creative differences" could have brought an end to the Echo are unfounded. We're as united as we have ever been and ready to get on with some serious reporting. However, a quick gloss over Eightlane reveals that we have missed a good deal in the past fortnight and so here it all is...........

UKA MISSING CAKE RIDDLE



BMC DENIES 'MAKING UP' TIMES

Red faced officials at the British Milers Club have been forced to deny that they made up the times at a recent meeting. An insider said: "it was absolutely legitimate. Bob stood at the start of the race and counted out loud for the duration of the 5k. We then had Gill writing down the times as people crossed the line." The source dismissed suggestions that this wasn't accurate and rejected accusations that they asked athletes "what they thought they'd run" after the event.

ATHLETE FORMERLY KNOWN AS GEELE IN PASSPORT GAFFE

The athlete formerly known as Geele, now to be referred to as Gala has lost his passport just days after being given it, the Lufbra Echo can reveal. Concerned UKA chiefs have asked the public to be on the look out for the document, which Geele (or Gala, possibly both) last saw when boarding a tram in Wimbledon. "It's mystery," sighed a UKA official, "it took us ages to get the lad British Citizenship and now we may have to start over." Insiders have also denied rumours that the Newham star changed his name in a sponsorship deal with Gala bingo.

BARNI IN CRYSTAL PALACE SNUB


OUT IN THE COLD: Barni failed to impress in Barcelona

If you go down to the Palace today you won't be seeing Barni Bear, the Lufbra Echo is sad to report. After what many have called a "disappointing" European Championships, the mascot was denied entry into the United Kingdom early this morning. Mr. Barni, who in truth struggled to live up to the glorious performance of his relative Berlino, was arrested at Heathrow after UKA decided that they didn't want him "anywhere near" the Diamond League meeting this evening. An insider said that many found the bear "disturbing". "Let's face it," said the source "he isn't the cuddly wonder that Berlino was...there's something not right about him; more an albino prototype than a sporting mascot."