Leicestershire Constabulary have announced an investigation into “highly irregular” goings on in the postal voting system for LSAC’s annual elections due to be held on Wednesday. Observers from the United Nations have had to be drafted in amid fears that the poll will descend into chaos as an “unprecedented number” of voters are expected to voice their displeasure with the “old politics”. Postal voting, which was largely responsible for propelling the current President Hodges to power, has been cancelled this year after an unnamed candidate was caught photocopying voting forms in the early hours of Sunday morning. Police confirmed that a 20 year-old man was arrested and bailed and that “no corners would be cut” in the quest for fair democracy. “We can’t be too careful” sighed Ian Anholm, who is responsible for overseeing the elections, “after a year of scandal, we need to get everything right this time. This is a new era for LSAC.” Postal votes were brought in to avoid a repeat of the terrible scenes at the 2005 elections when thousands were prevented from casting their vote as polls were alleged to close early. They have not been without their dissenters however, with some calling Ed Womersley’s elevation to Cross Country Captain last year a “blatant stitch up”.
Meanwhile, candidates have been campaigning furiously into the night to gain ground in the “closest election in history”. Luke Stott has been accused by rival Michael Baker of “running a dirty campaign” after posters questioning the gender orientation of the GB International were displayed around Loughborough. Stott, who for his part slammed Baker’s own campaign as “half-hearted”, denied culpability and said that members of his team would be spoken to. Pete Matthews has seemingly re-focused his campaign in the wake of reports about his private life. The Sunday People ran a story titled RED, RED- BED: SEX FIEND MATTHEWS IN ALL NIGHT ROMP claiming that the former GB International (Mountain Running) played “sick role play games” with “as many as three hotties at once”. The article went on to suggest that Matthews would “seductively swap” international vests for each of his “bombshell babes”. The red head today gave an in-depth and tear-jerking interview with Piers Morgan, where he spoke of his “tough upbringing” and the “immense handicap” of being “an all round great guy”. His campaign team have conceded that it is “highly unlikely” that Matthews will be elected but dismissed rumours that running-mate Andrew Mariani was considering going it alone.
Elsewhere, Gary Bradbury has been forced to surrender his candidacy for Vice President after allegations surfaced that the 3:43 man had been “paying little or no attention” to his diet and photographs showing him “clearly buying full fat milk” were published. Bradbury said that the reports “amounted to entrapment” and were “gutter journalism of the worst kind.” Rumours that Dani Christmas was about to be installed as the new Chancellor have been rejected as “utter nonsense” by LSAC insiders. A source said, “we can’t have two women in the most powerful positions [a reference to Sophie Thomas’ probable presidential appointment], it just wouldn’t work. Besides, Dani is likely to have a lot of work to do in the run up to the festive season”. This leaves the door open for a potential bid from the likes of Ryan McLeod, who remained very coy on the speculation when searching for his car keys this morning.