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Sunday, 27 February 2011

CLUB MUSIC 'TOO LOUD' SAYS SKINNER

Mike Skinner caused a stir at London nightclub 'Tiger Tiger' last night when he complained that the music was "dangerously loud". Fresh from a silver medal at the National Cross last weekend, the Blackheath and Bromley star was out with pals celebrating a new five year deal with the club rumoured to be worth in excess of £5m. Having initially been turned away from the swanky hot spot at 6:30pm - the club was not yet open - it is believed that the group went for a decaffeinated coffee before returning shortly after 9pm, just an hour before Skinner was aiming to be in bed.

The night then turned sour for 31 year-old when he berated the club's manager for playing music "so loud, it was probably heard in America" and demanded some heavy duty earplugs before going back on the dance floor. Sadly, things went from bad to worse when he spotted that one of the fire exit signs was not fully illuminated. "Mike was really upset about the whole thing" said an observer "he told the bar staff that what they were doing was tantamount to reckless endangerment and demanded that the police be called".

A Metropolitan Police spokesman confirmed that officers had attended the scene to investigate "a noise violation" but had to explain to a baffled Skinner that no rules had been breached and complaints could not be taken seriously from people inside the club. "By this stage it had reached 10pm and Mike was very tired" continued our source "he pledged to take up the matter at a more reasonable time, but was shocked to discover that the club would remain open past 11pm".

Skinner made himself unavailable to comment this morning, but his club have confirmed that he will be visiting an audiologist first thing on Monday morning. 

Monday, 21 February 2011

ANDY ATTACKS STEVE IN THE BATTLE OF THE VERNONS

Steve Vernon "isn't even the best Vernon in the country let alone the best runner" according to his namesake, Andy. The astonishing attack from the Aldershot man comes after Steve romped home to comfortably win the National Cross in unprecedented Alton Towers conditions at the weekend. "Steve text me after his win" said a stern faced Andy from a charity event "he said that I would never have got round the course and that I was mentally weak not to show up. That's completely out of order. The only reason I didn't run was because I got caught in the queue for Nemesis".

The tension between the pair has been bubbling under the surface ever since Andy attempted to sue Steve for "copyright infringement on [his] name" early last year. A High Court judge threw out the case - pointing to the fact that the Stockport man was in fact older than Andy. However, this has not stopped Andy from appealing the "very unfair" ruling, nor the bad blood from running deep. The St Mary's based athlete was eager to voice his fury at the "gallivanting" of "arrogant Steve", adding that he "couldn't wait" to "tear him apart" at the Inter Counties next month. "Did you see him celebrate?" thundered Vernon "who does he think he is? He was acting like it was like it was a forgone conclusion - beyond the pale if you ask me."

Almost as shocking as the attack on his rival was the concession from Andy that he "had fully intended" to race on Saturday. "It was a real shame," he explained "I had done Oblivion and Air, but had been in the line for Nemesis for over an hour. If I had given up my place, it would have meant starting again after the race. I wasn't prepared to do that". Steve Vernon has called Andy's comments "remarkable" and said that it demonstrated "a lack of professionalism". "We all wanted to play on the rides" said the newly crowned National Champion "I tore myself away from the teacups in order to do my warm up. You've got to know when to draw the line".

Steve would not be drawn on whether he thought that Andy could have beaten him on the day, but did concede that the course favoured him. "I know that Mike [Skinner, who came second] is a bit of a wimp and so probably didn't like the downhills" said the mud lover "he wouldn't even go on the banana boat before hand and I think that says it all".

Sunday, 20 February 2011

ENGLAND ATHLETICS APOLOGISE FOR 'SOMME-LIKE' NATIONAL

MUD BATH: Steve Vernon celebrates his win
England Athletics have conceded that they "got it wrong" in allowing the National Cross Country Championships to take place on a course "more suitable for a war than a race". The governing body have today been inundated with complaints from furious athletes about the mess of their kit and the resulting damage to washing machines across the country.

"Cross Country should not be run in these sort of conditions" said a red faced EA spokesman "we appreciate now that to have any mud on the course to totally unacceptable and we will be doing our best to rectify it in future years". 2012's event at Parliament Hill is already under threat as organisers face increasing calls for it "to be held indoors" from now on. "Any event at Parliament Hill is likely to involve mud" continued the spokesman "and so it might be best to steer away from that. We are ruling nothing out - it could even be run on road".

Yesterday's race - won by Steve Vernon - had the highest drop out rate in history and officials had deal with a stream of furious team managers pointing out "severe mud damage" to club tents. Some athletes have still yet to finish their race. England Athletics insiders have today estimated the cost of the clean up operation to be "close to £35m". "The whole field is going to have to be dug up and relaid" said our source "and [EA] will have to pay for thousands of cars to be fully valeted". The association have set up a 24 hour hotline to deal with the "unprecedented call volume" following the event and have encouraged relatives concerned about competitors to contact them urgently.

James Wilkinson who slumped to a disappointing 21st place blasted race organisers calling the whole day "a fiasco". "How can any half decent runner be expected to run in that?" thundered Wilkinson from his post race press conference "I am going to need psychological help to get over this. I am absolutely traumatised".

Thursday, 17 February 2011

LIES, DAMNED LIES AND STATISTICS

Many a mystery race flies under the radar nowadays, but Loughborough's Pete Matthews seems to be involved in an awful lot of them. Last year, the Lufbra Echo revealed how the most famous athlete never to have broken 4 minutes for 1500m had lied to get himself included in the field for the U23 AAAs Championships. Lessons were learned and that was that - it would never happen again and the red head was set to "go places" as of right.

But what's this? The entry lists for the forthcoming BUCS Indoor Championships. A rather dubious entry for a one 'Peter Matthews' appears to have his personal best for 3,000m at 8:40. Surely some clerical mix up as the famously accurate and on the ball Power of Ten appear to record it at 9:10.31. What could have gone wrong? An underworld race meeting that no one was invited to perhaps? Or is it simply reckless cheating that continues to bring Loughborough's name into disrepute?

DASAOLU HANDED FINE AFTER WATER COOLER RUN IN

James Dasaolu has been fined £8,000 and warned about his future conduct after he threw a water cooler from a balcony in Sheffield. The sprint prodigy was said to be irate with the water cooler after the liquid it dispensed did not meet his high standards of cleanliness. Calling it "f****** rank" the Croydon man slammed the cup on the floor and then stunned observers by picking the entire unit up and dumping it over the railing. The cooler fell 20 feet and has not worked since.

It is understood that Dasaolu - who has since apologised for his behaviour - became worked up after struggling for "over an hour" to use the lift. An onlooker said "it was really strange. He couldn't figure out the difference between the ground floor and the first floor. He kept going up and down until one his coaches came to assist him." Dasaolu then had a disappointing workout - which included a heated row with a door that "deliberately closed on him" - before the now infamous water cooler incident.

UKA said that they would now be drawing a line under the matter and denied making an example of Dasaolu. "We could have banned him from competition but decided against it," said a spokesman "the important thing is that he realises that such behaviour is absolutely unacceptable." Dasaolu has been banned from using the indoor facility in Sheffield and will attend a 'water cooler awareness workshop' at UKA Headquarters next month.

Monday, 14 February 2011

BOWSER DEFENDS SHEFFIELD RUN

Matt Bowser's 2012 ambition is "alive and well" despite slumping to one of the worst performances of his career on Sunday. The Lincoln man - who the BBC think won the European title in 2006 - quit the sport at the end of last summer in mysterious circumstances and still faces a misconduct hearing at UKA over a missing Garmin. Having come out of retirement "with 2012 in mind", Bowser stormed to victory in Thursday's Armagh 5k leaving a stunned Johnny Mellor asking "whether he had completed the entire distance". However, his comeback appeared to have stalled on Sunday as he was well beaten in the 3,000m - struggling to a miserable 8:18 clocking.

"You see what happened was" explained Bowser "when I was on the way to the race my three wheel van broke down. I was then forced to steal a mobility scooter from an old aged pensioner and all this before I had even left the end of my street." The 5k star then recounted how he had "driven the scooter into the ground" but only got half a mile closer to Sheffield. Fortunately he had also snatched the old lady's hand bag and so had enough money to pay for a cab - to Manchester. "I figured that the race was there" said a bemused Bowser "I then had to get a plane to Madrid, which is in France I believe. Then I got a plane to New York, then London and got a train to Sheffield from there - it was a nightmare."

Bowser arrived "just 6 minutes before the start" having only had a warm of "twelve miles" from the train station. "Given the circumstances and the fact that I was tired from Armagh, I'm not too disappointed" he said "I am still very much in the running for 2012".

Sunday, 13 February 2011

SNOWBALL SLAMS 'SELFISH' MATTHEWS

THE SUNDAY INTERVIEW: BEN SNOWBALL
In the first of a series of interviews, the Echo catches up with displaced LSAC skipper Ben Snowball just days after being forced out by angry fans. He shares his views on leadership, mud and Pete Matthews

GOING, GOING, GONG: Snowball collected no silverware as LSAC skipper


IT HAS BEEN a tortuous few weeks for Ben Snowball. First, he suffered repeated calls from high profile stars to walk away from his £4m top job at LSAC, then he faced the humiliation of leading Loughborough to the worst BUCS performance in their history. Snowball inherited a mess at LSAC. With debts soaring to record levels and the leftovers of a squad ravaged by the reckless signings of his predecessors, many felt that the job was a poisoned chalice. But Snowball didn't see it like that: "I am not going to sit and here say that I thought it would be easy. But I never had any idea how bad things were and I never saw the sort of vilification I got coming. No one deserves that." A beleaguered skipper finally called it quits late last Sunday night just eight months into his contract.

"It was a really tough call" sighed Snowball, running his hand through his unkept curly hair "I feel very upset about the way I was treated - and I can honestly say that what happened at BUCS was not my fault. Hand on heart I can say that". Looking visibly tired, he then paused a moment to gather himself and took a sip of mineral water. "I think that many people need to stand up and take responsibility for what happened."

Who does Ben hold responsible for Loughborough's fall from grace? "Pete Matthews" stormed the now worked up ex-skipper "he is completely to blame. How can he drop out of a BUCS 'A' Race? How can anyone do that? I picked him in good faith and he let me down and everyone else down." Matthews was forced out of the race with injury, but rallied himself to record a personal best performance over 5k in Armagh less than a week later. "That says it all, doesn't it?" said Snowball, his face creased with rage and his hazel eyes staring straight ahead. "Either his physio is a miracle worker or he isn't a team player. I mean, this is a recovery akin to that of f****** Lazarus isn't it?" Snowball went on to reveal that he would "never be talking" to Matthews again, adding that he had on good authority that the disgraced AAAs fraudster would never be picked for a Loughborough team again. "He's a joke, a complete joke" he added.

Speaking from his swanky London hideaway, Snowball didn't stop at blasting Pete Matthews - Guru George Gandy also came in for heavy criticism. "If he's the guru then I'm worried about athletics" thundered the one-time National Cross Country (team) Champion "I expected to be blown away when I met him, but all I got was a lecture about altitude. I know it's not George's fault that Pete Matthews did what he did, but I felt like I was on my own out there - no support." Gandy famously took three days to lend his support to his captain when many ex-alumni called for him to go. There were even rumours that the guru was lining up Stephen Emery to take over. "That isn't fair, no one should have to work like that".

So, what has Snowball learned from his experience? "Never trust gingers" he concluded curtly "and take a bit of valium to get you through it. Keep smiling and carry on - I took a lot of refuge in the arms of my friends and as soon as I can show my face in public again, I will go back and see them".

Friday, 11 February 2011

THE LUFBRA ECHO: UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT

The Lufbra Echo today announces that it has replaced its Chief Executive. The anonymous dictator has resigned amid growing unrest amongst the staff. This resulted in the Echo being taken offline for the past week and the protesters posting the 'GET READY' headline. This was, of course, in reference to the date at which the tyrant would be forced from office.

Whilst it is not the place of this organisation to speculate on the ongoing police inquiries, we can confirm that the Chief has been questioned about the practice of phone hacking that some have said was "entirely routine" at the Echo. We must reiterate that the displaced boss maintains that he "knew nothing" of the illegal prying. This despite having an iron grip on all things Echo.

Either way, the old man has gone and today marks a new age for Echo readers. In order to celebrate, we have changed our letterhead to lower case. This shows that never again will we be dictated to by tyrants. A military committee will be running affairs in an entirely anonymously transparent way until such time as another anonymous (yet transparent and legal) supreme leader can be appointed via a coup d'etat.

Happy reading,

TEMPORARY UNNAMED ACCOUNTABLE MILITARY PEACEFUL LEADERSHIP TEAM

Sunday, 6 February 2011

GET READY........

12.2.11

BEATEN EMERY BEMOANS 'RIDICULOUS' COURSE


Stephen Emery has hit out at what he calls an "unbelievable" course for Saturday's BUCS Cross Country Championships. Emery was well beaten in the race by Nick Goolab and slumped to a disappointing 12th place, unable to hold his dismal Loughborough team together. The Coventry Godiva man was indignant in defeat however and claimed that Birmingham were "totally wrong" in selecting a course that "played right into the hands" of their top men. "What's done is done," sighed Loughborough's first counter "I can't change that now and whilst they [the rules] weren't absolutely clear going into the race- I have to live with it." 

A representative for BUCS Cross Country dismissed Emery's allegations and added that the day had been a "resounding success". The spokesperson went on, "we have had many many emails praising our efforts on the day. There were a few issues with parking and that is something we will address in later years." When asked to respond to Emery's comments about the decision to "ditch the ditch", the spokesman said that it had been a "safety decision". "If someone fell and hurt themselves, we could never live with it" said the source "we had no choice but to take it out. There were some really, really poor runners out there today".

Emery, however, is incandescent. When asked when he would next be competing, the 3:48 1500m man looked away. "It's really upsetting when something like this happens" said the clearly tired engineer "I have come to trust the rules, the authorities and then an incident like this ruins all of that. Who knows whether I'll bother again, I'm just really hurting right now". Emery went on to add that he felt he would have "won comfortably" on the standard course. "I have been successful there time and time again and suddenly they change it. My question is why? What are they scared of?"

Emery's comments will come as a relief to under-fire LSAC captain Ben Snowball. Radio phone-ins were inundated with angry Loughborough fans yesterday evening demanding the skipper's "immediate resignation". One caller said that the performance was "the worst in history" and that Snowball should "do the decent thing". "He's hanging on for the payout, that much is clear" said the lifetime season ticket holder "we can't go on like this". Snowball would stand to gain £4m if his contract was terminated. Although not explicitly stating support for Snowball, many inside LSAC have not been so quick to criticise. George Gandy chose to blame David Howe yesterday evening and with Emery now citing "obviously biassed" officiating, Snowball might just be able to fight on for another week. 

Saturday, 5 February 2011

HOWE TO BLAME FOR LOUGHBOROUGH DEMISE: GANDY

David Howe is responsible for "the worst period in Loughborough's history" according to George Gandy. The guru was quick to point the finger at the Canadian after his team's men slumped to their worst ever BUCS performance this afternoon.

As bating journalists waited for Ben Snowball to explain his side's extraordinarily limp display, they were met with a rampaging Gandy who dismissed claims that Snowball was to be sacked later this evening. "I will be looking to shake things up," said Gandy "but if anything, it is David [Howe] who needs replacing". Gandy pointed out that Loughborough have not been successful in winning an 'A' Team event since Howe's arrival in 2007.

"David just brings this negative vibe to the club - I think it's his voice" sighed a clearly exasperated guru "it has been a very long day, made all the longer by my having to spend time with David." For his part, Howe has said that all his athletes performed well. "In my opinion, it's Donaldson's fault" claimed the academic "since he turned up, everything has gone wrong. We're all fed up with his stories and I bet all the guys were distracted."

Mr Donaldson - who does not have time to read this site - was not available for comment this evening, but with Gandy promising a "comprehensive investigation" into what went wrong in Birmingham, it is unlikely he will remain silent for long. Snowball will not address the media until a scheduled news conference tomorrow afternoon.

Thursday, 3 February 2011

BULDARO READY FOR BUCS CHALLENGE

Bud Buldaro has said that his Birmingham team are "the strongest in years" ahead of this weekend's BUCS Cross Country Championships. Buldaro will not announce his team until tomorrow evening but was in a bullish move this lunchtime. "Loughborough are as poor as I have ever seen them" said the velvet tongued head coach "and I think the majority of the St Mary's team are busy re-taking their exams. I can't see anyone getting close to Birmingham". The manager will be hoping his side will be able to defend their title on home soil this Saturday afternoon.

Buldaro was largely dismissive of a very quiet transfer window for his team. Birmingham were not successful in landing Stephen Emery - despite a rumoured £40m bid - and also had an approach for Gary Bradbury rejected. "I don't need to strengthen my team" said Buldaro "I always think that the January transfer window is just about panicking to be honest. You look at weaker sides and they see the summer coming and think 'gee, we need to get more guys in'. Nonsense, I back my lot". Buldaro denied that the Emery deal had fallen through after the Vice Chancellor vetoed it and maintained that he had "complete control" of team affairs.

News for Birmingham got even better this evening as a spokesman revealed that Nick Goolab had "completely recovered" from a broken toe nail and was therefore available this weekend. "Nick had a blood test at the beginning of this week" said the source "and it is all clear. If selected, he will line up on Saturday".

FOLLOW THE RACE EXCLUSIVELY LIVE WITH THE ECHO. FOLLOW US ON TWITTER @LUFBRAECHO

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY: THE BIG DEALS

The Echo rounds up all the major comings and goings after a frantic end to the January transfer window.


Stephen Emery is staying put at Loughborough despite a £40m bid from Birmingham and reported interest from St Mary's. The engineer has pledged the next 18 months to the African Violets by signing a lucrative contract extension.

Ryan McLeod will not leave Tipton after all. It had been thought that the 7:52 3k man was about to walk out on the Midlands club in a row about iPhone usage.

Linford Christie is to come out of retirement and has signed for Windsor, Slough, Eton and Hounslow. The former Olympic Champion said that he was "hugely excited" at the prospect of helping Windsor back into the Premiership. The club were unsuccessful in convincing Sally Gunnell into a similar comeback.

Newham and Essex Beagles have been fined £750,000 and banned from taking part in the summer transfer window after illegally approaching "the vast majority" of the the GB European Cross Team. They also had a £75m bid for Mo Farah rejected after they realised that they had already signed him.

Mark Lewis-Francis is a free agent after storming out of Birchfield Harriers. The European Silver Medallist was heard to say that "Mark Lewis-Francis most definitely will be running for a bigger club than this next summer". As such his £2m contract was terminated but regrettably for the sprinter no one agreed to take him.

Sale Harriers Manchester sacked their entire squad earlier this month as the new owners decided that they "could do better". However, the club were forced into an embarrassing retreat when nobody returned their emails - not even MLF - and so have re-signed the majority of the team on vastly inflated contracts.

Dave Norman caused outrage at Altrincham after handing in a written transfer request. The 5k star has now signed a 3 year contract extension after failing to agree personal terms with £25m suitors, Southend AC.

Kenenisa Bekele will have to wait to have his move to Aldershot, Farnham and District confirmed. The Ethiopian will undergo a medical later today, but the deal has been put in doubt after Mick Woods offended the athlete's entire entourage. However, AFD will be celebrating after managing to persuade Andy Vernon to sign a four year contract extension rather than opting for a big money move to Bedford & County - who were rumoured to be ready to pay the star over £200,000 a week.

Despite reports in the Echo earlier this month that they were ready to spend big, Southend have not been successful in making a single signing. It is understood that the majority of deals fell through when would-be athletes "visited Southend".