The BBC have announced that a panel of independent medics have found Jonathan Edwards to be “something of a twerp”. The results- which had been widely expected in the broadcasting community- have been hailed as a “relief” by many inside the BBC. “All this really does is reaffirm what we all expected,” said a spokesman, “ever since he wore that earring at the Great North Run last year, we all knew that he was a bit of a fool.” Many in the athletics world have criticised the time it has taken for the results to be published, with some describing the “unbelievable torment” for Edwards and his family. “Can you imagine it?” asked Mr. Edwards’ official spokesperson, “for months we have all wondered- what is he?” The World Triple Jump record holder has not commented on the results, but it now seems unlikely that Edwards will be allowed to work for the BBC again. The Beeb courted much criticism for allowing Edwards to continue to anchor and commentate for them whilst this dispute was on going. A BBC Trust insider revealed how the department “agonised” over whether to permit Edwards’ coverage of the European Trials, but said they were left with no choice owing to the clash with Wimbledon and the World Cup. “Let’s face it,” said the source, “no one watched it.”
People who have known the BBC star for a long time have said that they “always had an inkling” that all was not well. “When he was growing up,” said a family friend, “I used to say to my husband- ‘that lad could be a twerp one day’. Of course we didn’t say anything at the time, but now it makes sense.” Those who competed with him also revealed their suspicions. “He was always odd,” said Dame Kelly Holmes DBE MBE (Mil.), “so no it isn’t a big shock. I think you could see it in the way he jumped- what a twerp!” Paula Radcliffe MBE (Nike) offered Edwards some support, “he is who he is and I think this judgemental world has to accept him for it. I for one will be telephoning him just as soon as my new contract is ironed out”.
It is unclear what the former Olympic Champion will do next, but it seems very unlikely he will be asked to present Songs of Praise again. Edwards, who once refused to compete on Sundays owing to his devout Christian faith, denounced Christianity in 2007 stating: “when you think about it rationally, it does seem incredibly improbable that there is a God.” BBC Chiefs were left seething after he “officially rejected” his life-long conviction later that year, as they had hoped to make him the new poster boy for the Sunday night faith show. “It was the first time that someone in the office said that he may be a twerp,” said an insider, “the investigations all sprang from there.”