THE PAULA RADCLIFFE INTERVIEW

The Lufbra Echo secured a precious few minutes with one of the greatest female athletes of all time. We find out what really makes her tick, secrets that she has never revealed and what she plans to do in the future. Plus- Athens: what really happened?

It’s 8:30am on a Sunday morning and I am knackered. For three hours and thirty two minutes, I have been chasing Paula Radcliffe’s brand spanking new Nike ‘UltraSwoosh, Special Edition Mark 323.43’ running shoes and to no avail- in that time, she has put over a minute into me. “Come on, you lightweight!” thunders her cheerless husband, Gary Lough, “Paula’s got another three runs to do today and you are holding her up!” I amble up to the front door of their Leicestershire mansion, where the couple are currently spending eight of their limited 92 days per year in the country. This is of course owing to the fact that they like Monte Carlo and hate the intrusion of the press. Nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that they save a wad of cash in tax revenue, you understand. Paula, now pregnant again, is stretching out her legs and I notice a tear rolling down her precious cheek. When I enquire what the matter is, she informs me that she was some eight seconds down on what she should have been for that run and Gary had shouted at her. “I’m not even tired,” affirms Radcliffe, “I wasn’t even trying hard. I just ran slower.”

We head inside, where I make the mistake of asking for a black coffee. “We have green coffee,” snaps Lough, “none of that horrid stuff.” Paula then explains: “Green Coffee has special immune properties that builds up your body’s ability to fight off infection and carry oxygen around in the blood.” Does it taste nice? “Oh yes- it is delicious. People who are interested should log on to the Green Coffee website for more information,” enthuses Radcliffe, with a knowing look in the direction of her husband. I decide to opt instead for water, but am then offered the choice between “oxygenised” or “non-oxygenised”. Confused, I go thirsty.

“You’ll have to excuse me while I work out on the cross trainer while we speak,” says Radcliffe as we head into a de-oxygenised chamber, “I am lacking aerobic fitness, you see.” The World Record holder over the marathon then glances at her Nike watch and breaks down in tears again. When pushed, she revealed that she was some three hundredths of a seconds slower moving from the morning kitchen to this room than she was last week. “It’s like everything is falling apart again,” she sobbed, “I work so hard to maintain this schedule.” After wiping her tears on a special Nike tissue (specifically designed to help you cry to the best of your ability), Radcliffe confidently marches towards the chamber- determined to make up time.

In the ominously entitled “work chamber”, Radcliffe then hooks herself up to various contraptions, including a specially designed Nike BabyMonitor+, built with your child’s future in mind. “It’s just great,” smiles the now content 2:15 marathoner, “it passes some of my ability on to my unborn child.” When pushed further, Radcliffe reveals that she was disappointed with her performance when giving birth to her first child. “I heard that Deena Kastor was much quicker. I need to work on my weaknesses and hopefully surprise a few people this time.” Radcliffe then took her special Nike Zoom Asthma Inhaler +++, which delivers the (completely legal) drugs to her lungs faster. “This is a lifesaver,” she says, “so important for someone who suffers with it [Asthma] like me.”

As she begins her workout (second of six scheduled for the day), I turn to the difficult topic of the Athens Olympics. “Oh, I did that deliberately,” blurts out Radcliffe, “you see, the British public hate winners and my Nike contract was up for renewal. Everyone likes a few tears at the side of the road. You’d be amazed how many people brought my book- which is still available- on the back of that!” Dumbfounded, I pushed further- what about Beijing? “I wasn’t as fit as Mara [Yamauchi, who finished 6th] and couldn’t bear the thought of not being the first Brit and so I made up this cramp problem. Worked a treat! The Daily Telegraph said I was ‘very brave’ and Nike gave me a 10% raise.” What does she plan to do in the years to come? “Probably drop out of a few more races and possibly try and win 2012. I’m a bit worried, in truth, as if you want to make the big bucks after you have retired, you really need an Olympic medal.” How did she enjoy commentating on the London Marathon? “I had to sit in a booth with that awful Geordie pair [Steve Cram and Brendan Foster] and so what do you think?” harrumphed the Bedford and County star, “they kept saying, ‘when I won my Olympic medal’ and followed it with a dull story. I made Cram’s career with my teary performance after dropping out of Athens and he is just ungrateful.” Radcliffe was referring to the interview she “would only give” to the former Olympic 1500m silver medalist after the marathon disaster.

As I left Radcliffe’s house, Nike Farm, she was heading out for her next run. Would I like to stay for lunch? Gary was preparing roast tadpole, which is very high in protein apparently. I decided to take my chances at McDonald's and so made my excuses.

SPORT CITY BMC: ‘SLOW TRACK’ ANGERS ATHLETES

Numerous athletes have hit out at the Sport City surface this evening, with some stating that it is the “athletics equivalent of Wembley”. BMC chiefs have been involved in an emergency meeting this evening to discuss the issue after many complained that the track seemed “too spongy”. “It cost me at least 2 seconds a lap”, thundered an unnamed 5,000m athlete searching for a computer to whine on Eightlane, “it really is unacceptable in a meeting like this. I expected better.” Rumours that meeting officials were considering “rounding down” all times by a few seconds have dismissed along with reports that the “last 300m was too long”. A spokesman said, “we take these sorts of complaints very seriously and so will look into them. However, all times remain the same.”

Meanwhile, Ben Scarlett was left red faced (geddit?!) when he mistakenly took a friend’s spikes to the race. Aside from upsetting his sponsors- the rogue spikes were some three sizes too large for the 1:48 man causing him to stumble badly at the start of his race. Explaining the mix up, Scarlett said “these things happen. I thought it was a bit weird when I was doing strides, but it was only after I looked down at the start that I realised. I’ll be back”. Scarlett was not the only one to be upset at the start. Many athletes have slammed what they called “an excessively loud” starter’s gun. “It made me jump right out of my skin,” harrumphed a distraught Robbie Schofield, “it ruined any hope I had of running well.” Others reported a “sharp rise in heart rate” upon hearing the gun. “Look at these readouts,” stormed Steve Sharp brandishing his Garmin, “can you see the spike? That has to be worth at least a second a lap.”

“Over enthusiastic crowd support,” also received a fair bit of stick this evening, with some athletes calling for future events to be held “behind closed doors.” One upset 1500m man said that it was “really time the BMC addressed this.” Asking to remain nameless, the athlete continued “when you are in the racing zone, the last thing you need is some Muppet banging on the advertising boards and shouting ‘dig in, mate!’ What does that even mean? They might as well scream ‘keep putting one foot in front of the other at a reasonable pace’- that’s how pointless it is”.

BMC executives were keen to play down the concerns raised and instead hailed a “hugely successful evening of athletics”. A senior source said, “what a thrill it was to watch these great races and the women’s events as well. I know some people were disappointed with their times and we are looking into that.” The spokesperson remained coy on whether the Sport City track will now be dug up and resurfaced- but with some threatening a boycott next year, it may well be the only option.

SPORT CITY BMC GRAND PRIX PREVIEW

The Echo looks ahead to the first major test for the distance fraternity.

Ryan McLeod will aim to dispel rumours that he “cannot count to twelve” when he makes his seasonal debut over 5,000m. The Tipton Harrier looked impressive in storming to a magnificent PB of 8:00.90 over 3,000m on Sunday- but revealed that there “should be more to come” as he goes head to head with Johnny Mellor for the first time since the now infamous Champs Elysees-gate. The pair fell out as the Geordie attempted to drive the “wrong way” around a Parisian roundabout, resulting in Mellor being pictured attempting to steal the hubcaps of the McLeod mobile not far from the Eifel Tower. Speaking exclusively to the Lufbra Echo, the Loughborough based McLeod said that he “did not know” how he was going to react when he saw the Liverpudlian. “There’s a lot of hurt there,” sighed the 13:58 5k man, “he clearly cheated on Call of Duty and I hate people like that”.

Elsewhere, rumours that the disgraced AAAs fraudster, Pete Matthews was set to make his first outing of what he promises will be a “massive” season have been shown to be wide of the mark. It seems that Matthews is saving his premiere for the notoriously high quality Northern League in a fortnight. His spokesman has said that the red head is still “very much on” to achieve his “minimum targets” of under 1:56, 3:55, 8:30 and 15 minutes for 800m, 1500, 3k and 5k respectively. “The thing is, Pete will be embarrassed if he doesn’t achieve these times,” said a close source, “he is a cut above the average and will prove it this year”.

A major blow came for the event when both Frank Baddick and Nick McCormick snubbed the opportunity to race on the grounds that it was “now below” them. Speaking from a press conference earlier in the week, McCormick was keen to dismiss rumours that his “offensively short” hair was still preventing him from gaining entry to British events. “It was my decision,” affirmed the Morpeth star, “I am better than that now. It [the hair] is causing a few issues though. I am certain that it is lowering my core temperature and that led to a poor performance in Rehlingen [where he ran 3:41]”. Baddick, meanwhile has revealed that he has “moved on” from British races generally. “I just think it’s time for a change,” said the Newham and Essex Beagle, “I’ve heard that the water on the continent is more conducive to fast running and so will try there.” Stephen Emery, who clashed with Baddick earlier in the season, called his decision “an indication of how desperate he has become.” The Coventry man, who has been a revelation this year, said “he knows that I’m top dog around here now and so has to go elsewhere. I warned everyone- I told them I would come for them and now I have. It’s over for Frank. He is finished.” Emery will attempt to keep up his extraordinary run of either running a PB or winning a medal in every race of the season so far as he goes up against Gary Bradbury in the 800m D race.

PANIC AS CRAGG UPLOADS LATE

Police in the United States became embroiled in an international crisis at the weekend, after Luke Cragg uploaded his training diary to the popular running forum, Eightlane some three hours late. The delay prompted widespread speculation that the legendary "L.C" had ditched his roots in a bid to take athletics more seriously. The website crashed on Sunday evening, after thousands of anonymous posters were quick to either pledge their support or stab him in the back- depending on whether he had run well or not. One poster- who used the mystery name 'interested'- slammed the 5k star asking "what has he ever really achieved?" Another, 'sad day', attacked his fellow poster saying "shuttup [sic] interested, you looser [sic]- if he ever raced you then i rekon [sic] he would definately [sic] beat you." Yet more were quick to question the American-based man's loyalty to the UK. "You can't knock the guy for what he has achieved, but I think that he betrayed his country by moving to the States. And now by not posting his training anymore," opined 'Balanced', "it suggests something really sinister. Maybe he should be arrested for treason or something- but I doubt this new Government will care that much, because athletics is such a low priority- this would never have happened in the 1980s". Meanwhile, others questioned "the length of American tracks" and said that "their [sic] are loads of examples of guys who have run well in America- but they're not really any good".

Sanity and calm was brought to the forum when the main man himself posted his training with a note stating that he was "really sorry." Cragg continued, "I was driving home from practice and ran out of gas. Sorry y'all, I didn't mean to freak you out". Eightlaners were then free to turn their attention to attacking other athletes such as Mo Farah (who is "a waster") and Sebastian Coe (who "never did much after going to Loughborough" and is "smug"). George Gandy and his Loughborough regime also came in for a lot of stick recently after some of his "shit" athletes were permitted races in the recent Loughborough International. This is not the first time Gandy has felt the wrath of the forum. Not so long ago, someone called 'l'boro lover' was thoroughly indignant, "how far will Gandy go to get someone in the team[?]", he/she thundered, "how many L'boro athletes made Student teams when they shouldn't..at [sic] others missed out?" Alasdair Donaldson, Gandy's official spokesperson, said that the guru would not be entertaining "the musings of a bunch of nobodies who should really find something better to do." To this end, Mr. Gandy has the Echo's full support- but concern is growing as to whether he will receive similar backing from 'Cod Liver Oil'. We can but hope.

DESPERATE MATTHEWS STOOPS TO NEW LOW

ECHO REVEALS ALL IN SHOCKING EXPOSE OF CORRUPTION IN ATHLETICS

The Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal the lengths to which former GB International (Mountain Running) will go in order to be perceived as a “big time” athlete. In an extraordinary lack of judgement, the red head has applied to the AAAs U23 Championships despite not achieving any of the required standards. The self-proclaimed athletics marvel has told race organisers that his personal best for 5,000m is 15:08, when he has never in fact competed in the event. Matthews- who has Grades 1, 2 and 3 in the piano- claims to have run “a 15:13 split” at the notoriously accurately measured North West Road Relays. A spokesman for the AAAs said that he was “deeply troubled” by the revelations and that the organisation would “look into them as a priority.” The source continued, “obviously, I cannot comment before we have investigated these allegations.” The one-time AAAs U17 Indoor 1500m Bronze medalist had hoped to return to the "good old days" and achieve further success in age group events. A long time advocate of the opinion that "if you didn't win an age group medal, then you're nothing", Matthews had told close pals that he planned on "smashing it up" and "comfortably running sub-15 minutes". His current official personal record is 16:40 on the road.

This news comes just weeks after the Echo blew the lid on Matthews’ use of artificial enhancers in order to earn a better tan whilst in Portugal. At the time, the Blackburn man attempted to take out an injunction in order to prevent publication. However, the judge threw out his claim as ludicrous. Mr. Justice Fair said, “young man, it is clear from the colour of your skin that all is not well.” No such attempt was made on this occasion.

Matthews’ own representatives have, however, mounted a rigorous defence of their client this lunchtime. Calling the Echo’s findings “unfounded nonsense,” an insider slammed the system of monitoring athlete progress in the UK. “If anyone were to look at Pete’s Power of 10 profile, you would think he was a rubbish athlete. It just doesn’t account for talent.”

Obviously, the Echo cannot comment on whether an athlete is very good or not. All we can do is present an objective account of the facts. Why not decide for yourself whether Mr. Matthews is set to “become one of the best at Loughborough”? His Power of 10 profile can be found here.

LOUGHBOROUGH INTERNATIONAL NEWS.....

'LONG TRACK' DENIES DASAOLOU SUB-10

Echo favourite, James Dasaolu has said that he is "well furious" this evening after improving his lifetime best over 100m to 10.06 seconds (wind assisted). The Loughborough based star argued with officials for over 20 minutes before the start of the race as felt that he was being started "at least half a metre" behind where he should have been. LSAC insiders have denied speculation that the GB International was about to be expelled from the race. Speaking from a press conference, Dasaolu hailed what he called a "moral sub-10" and revealed that he would be appealing to the IAAF. "The way I see it," said the Croydon star, "I have just set the world record for 100.5 metres. It's a great honour." There was much excitement before the race that Loughborough might to be about to witness its first ever sub-10 second 100m. Furious spectators are now demanding a full refund after it failed to materialise. It is rumoured that male observers were also upset that "the females were not looking their best".

LOUGHBOROUGH ATHLETES COMPETE IN LOUGHBOROUGH EVENT OUTCRY

George Gandy is being forced to respond to furious accusations of favouritism this evening, after it was revealed that some Loughborough based athletes were allowed to take part as guests in the Loughborough International. Angry posters on popular running forum eightlane.com have called on the LSAC and UKA chief to resign. One poster, who didn't give his real name, said that it was "unfair" that "[poor] athletes were allowed to compete." The anonymous poster who may or may not be any good at running also slammed Gandy's decision to drop the men's steeplechase accusing the guru of having an attitude that "Loughborogh [sic] do not have any chasers so we will not put that event on the schedule". Another courageously anonymous poster said that "surely questions should be asked." A spokesman for the Fairness in Athletic Inclusion, Regulation, Interest and Emotional Support (FAIRIES) said, "we have had enough of this now. The other day, I was at a meeting in St. Mary's and it was full of St. Mary's athletes. That isn't fair. We've had reports of similar situations at Birmingham and Bath as well."

The Echo can also reveal that Mr. Gandy may well be in hot water over claims that Loughborough athletes are being allowed a "disproportionate" amount of time on their home track. It is likely that he is going to have to explain to Government chiefs why some distance athletes are allowed to train on the track "as often as three times a week." The source at FAIRIES went on, "it means that the African Violets are always at an advantage. I think they should be restricted in their ability to train."

'PATHETIC' PACEMAKING FRUSTRATES TAYLOR

Johnny Taylor has hit out at what he calls the "most ridiculous pacemaking performance of all time" after failing to win the Match race of the 1500m. Taylor has said that the pacemaker, Ben Green, clearly "bowed to pressure from the crowd". Speaking after the race, the Teesider said "I heard somebody shout to him to slow down. He was only 50m clear of the pack and so I can't understand why he did. It ruined my race, I was going to catch him." Taylor revealed that the reason he chose not to go with the pace was that it was "very windy in [his] lane." Taylor went on, "everyone knows that it is the start that counts and I was badly disadvantaged by being right in the wind. The first 45m was really tough". Meanwhile, Frank Baddick blamed a change in milk for his below par performance. The Newham and Essex Beagle said "I have just switched to the orange top stuff from Sainos [Sainsbury's] and that probably upset the calcium-fat balance in my blood and so explains the bad run. I'm completely, totally, 110% relaxed about it".

POLLEN COUNT CAUSES CHAOS

The Loughborough International ran several minutes behind schedule after officials had to make no fewer than ten "airborne pollen inspections" over the course of the afternoon. The checks were enforced after several athletes, including 100m Olympian Mark Lewis-Francis, called the pollen count "dangerously high." Indeed, Lewis-Francis called for the meeting to be cancelled just minutes before his event as the roof of his mouth was "very itchy." After being convinced to compete, the sprint ace revealed how he "wouldn't be bothering" with the event again. "Let's face it, I am better than this," said the former Olympic (relay) Champion, "it's just that I have been injured and so can't go anywhere else. I looked around at the start and thought, 'gee is this how bad things have got?' I guess things can only get better now."

NEWS IN BRIEF

GIRO CYCLIST TESTS NEGATIVE SHOCK

An unnamed cyclist has returned a negative ‘A’ Sample, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The top level competitor returned the test after Stage Six of the Giro d’Italia, but the authorities are awaiting the results of the ‘B’ Sample before naming him. “Obviously this is a shock,” said a cycling insider, “this sport has built its reputation a string of failed tests and corruption. Incidents like this only serve to give the public a mixed message.” The news of the test result has sent shockwaves through the entire world of sport, with many sporting chiefs calling for a “fundamental overhaul” of testing procedure. A senior source at the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) said that a “culture of fear” now existed within the organisation. “We can’t go on like this,” he explained, “if athletes keep passing tests, it is only a matter of time before the public start losing interest and then we’ll all be out of job.” A spokesman for the Tour de France said that he was “unconcerned” by this morning’s revelations. “I am pretty confident the Tour will have its usual share of drug scandals,” said an aide to the Tour supremo, “we’re bound to get the occasional blip, but on the whole cycling still remains the dirtiest sport in the world and I am certain that it will stay that way.” Today’s news comes just weeks after Alberto Contador stunned team mates by confessing that he “got no artificial help” during last year’s Tour victory. Officials at Astana [Contador’s team] have maintained that the Spaniard was “just letting off steam” and most certainly was not on the record. A source continued, “Vino [Alexander Vinokourov, who failed a blood test in 2008] is back this year anyway and so our reputation as a corrupt team in a corrupt sport should remain intact.”

BEKELE HAS ‘SWEET PROBLEM’

He may be the fastest 5,000m and 10,000m runner of all time, but in an exclusive interview with the Lufbra Echo, close friends of Kenenisa Bekele have conceded that they are “gravely concerned” about his sweet eating habits. “I have known of Ken for a few months now,” said one respondent, “and he always looks very defensive of his sweets.....Haribo seem to be a particular problem.” Another outsider said, “Kenny loves the sour cola bottles and has been known to eat a whole packet in one sitting....that would explain why he suffers with such bad dental health.” Rumours have been circulating around the athletics world for some time regarding the great man’s oral hygiene and these revelations look set to blow the lid on his dark secret. “Why do you think he never smiles?” asked a London-based stranger, “I’ll tell you why- it’s because his front teeth are rotting.” Others have told of how they have pleaded with the Ethiopian to seek help for his addiction. “I have sent several letters to Athletics Ethiopia,” said Tunbridge Wells mother of three, Iva Nojob, “I really think that it is an issue they should be addressing- he isn’t being a very good role model.” Meanwhile, a friend of a lady whose sister once met Bekele’s brother’s friend’s uncle said, “Ken is very much his own man and it is down to him to realise he has a problem and sort it out. I can tell you for sure that no amount of coaxing from me or anyone else will change that stubborn mind”.

2012 IN THE MIRE AS MANDEVILLE FALLS OUT WITH WENLOCK


FURY: Mandeville claims not to have been told about Wenlock prior to launch day

Lord Sebastian Coe was hastily attempting to get preparations for London 2012 back on track this evening, after the two mascots have had what has been described as a “major contretemps”. It is thought that Mandeville (the Paralympics mascot) struck his/her Olympic counterpart in a debate over who looked the most tacky. The former is said to be seething that Wenlock has been allocated “more wristbands” and has called the move “discrimination of the highest order.” The Oxford educated Mandeville claims to have only been informed that he/she was to appear as part of a double act at the “very last minute.” A spokesperson for the Mascot Affairs Directorate (MAD) said, “we have seen similar issues in the past. I know that Zakumi [the FIFA World Cup 2010 mascot] successfully appealed a decision to involve him in a shotgun marriage. It may well be that a similar thing happens here. People need to remember that these guys work very hard for limited pay- they have feelings.” Berlino the Bear (IAAF World Championships in Athletics 2009 mascot) has expressed sympathy with Mandeville’s plight. Speaking from his retirement home in the Caribbean, Berlino said “sometimes it’s tough to share the stage with someone. I found it tough when Usain Bolt raced because everyone would shout ‘Usain, Usain, Usain’ when they would normally be shouting for me.” Berlino also dismissed allegations that featured in several of this morning’s newspapers that he was having an affair with Wenlock. “Utter nonsense,” said the bear, “it’s sad when a career like mine can be tarnished by gutter press.”

'SERIOUS' HAIRCUT COSTS McCORMICK PLACE IN LOUGHBOROUGH INTERNATIONAL

Nick McCormick has risked the wrath of his paymasters today by branding the inclusion policy at this weekend's Loughborough International as "downright amateur". McCormick- who is still yet to make his debut for the African Violets- has been left out of the event after his new haircut was ruled to be outside the legal limit for shortness. A spokesman for LIA Events Ltd., said that they were "deeply saddened" to have to exclude McCormick, but that rules were "there for a reason". The source continued, "we have a good number of dignitaries attending and it isn't right that they be encountered by such an intimidating hair style. Athletes who have their hair that short for medical reasons are welcome to apply for a Therapeutic Shortness Exemption (TSE). Sadly, Mr. McCormick failed to do this." The Morpeth man was not willing to accept this, however, and is rumoured to have "given [Alasdair Donaldson] an earful" over the omission. McCormick ruled out a "sit in protest" at the event on the grounds that he "had better things to do than worry about stupid small time meets at the start of the season".

The great irony is that McCormick only had his hair cut in the past week after it was deemed to be interfering with his training. In a recent session, the 3:33.9 1500m man was "roughly half a second" per repetition down on target and his "stupidly long" hair took the blame. "It was getting silly," explained the GB International, "and so I sat down with my coach and we discussed appropriate lengths.....it was always in the plan that I have this sort of drastic haircut- it's just come a couple of years sooner."

A bad week could get worse for McCormick on Friday when he is set to appear before a panel of "furious" Loughborough chiefs. It is thought that the hierarchy are becoming increasingly frustrated by a failure to see a return on their hefty investment. "It quite clearly states in his contract that he is not to go getting haircuts without our approval" said a disgruntled insider, "the whole point of the College is that we can house people like [McCormick] and if they keep skipping events like LIA, it really casts doubt on whether it's worth the money." Our source also stated that it was "inevitable" that McCormick would be fined over the mishap.

POSTAL VOTING CANCELLED AS POLICE LAUNCH CORRUPTION PROBE

Leicestershire Constabulary have announced an investigation into “highly irregular” goings on in the postal voting system for LSAC’s annual elections due to be held on Wednesday. Observers from the United Nations have had to be drafted in amid fears that the poll will descend into chaos as an “unprecedented number” of voters are expected to voice their displeasure with the “old politics”. Postal voting, which was largely responsible for propelling the current President Hodges to power, has been cancelled this year after an unnamed candidate was caught photocopying voting forms in the early hours of Sunday morning. Police confirmed that a 20 year-old man was arrested and bailed and that “no corners would be cut” in the quest for fair democracy. “We can’t be too careful” sighed Ian Anholm, who is responsible for overseeing the elections, “after a year of scandal, we need to get everything right this time. This is a new era for LSAC.” Postal votes were brought in to avoid a repeat of the terrible scenes at the 2005 elections when thousands were prevented from casting their vote as polls were alleged to close early. They have not been without their dissenters however, with some calling Ed Womersley’s elevation to Cross Country Captain last year a “blatant stitch up”.

Meanwhile, candidates have been campaigning furiously into the night to gain ground in the “closest election in history”. Luke Stott has been accused by rival Michael Baker of “running a dirty campaign” after posters questioning the gender orientation of the GB International were displayed around Loughborough. Stott, who for his part slammed Baker’s own campaign as “half-hearted”, denied culpability and said that members of his team would be spoken to. Pete Matthews has seemingly re-focused his campaign in the wake of reports about his private life. The Sunday People ran a story titled RED, RED- BED: SEX FIEND MATTHEWS IN ALL NIGHT ROMP claiming that the former GB International (Mountain Running) played “sick role play games” with “as many as three hotties at once”. The article went on to suggest that Matthews would “seductively swap” international vests for each of his “bombshell babes”. The red head today gave an in-depth and tear-jerking interview with Piers Morgan, where he spoke of his “tough upbringing” and the “immense handicap” of being “an all round great guy”. His campaign team have conceded that it is “highly unlikely” that Matthews will be elected but dismissed rumours that running-mate Andrew Mariani was considering going it alone.

Elsewhere, Gary Bradbury has been forced to surrender his candidacy for Vice President after allegations surfaced that the 3:43 man had been “paying little or no attention” to his diet and photographs showing him “clearly buying full fat milk” were published. Bradbury said that the reports “amounted to entrapment” and were “gutter journalism of the worst kind.” Rumours that Dani Christmas was about to be installed as the new Chancellor have been rejected as “utter nonsense” by LSAC insiders. A source said, “we can’t have two women in the most powerful positions [a reference to Sophie Thomas’ probable presidential appointment], it just wouldn’t work. Besides, Dani is likely to have a lot of work to do in the run up to the festive season”. This leaves the door open for a potential bid from the likes of Ryan McLeod, who remained very coy on the speculation when searching for his car keys this morning.

COE SET TO WIELD AXE AS TORY CUTS START TO BITE

Sebastian Coe has today revealed the 2012 Games “will not and should not” be exempt from the forthcoming public service cuts set out by the new Conservative Government. Speaking from a press conference outside Downing Street (where he had met with Dave and/or Nick), his Lordship conceded that plans were already falling into place. “We cannot kid ourselves,” said William Hague’s former ‘Chief of Staff’, “the public purse is in a mess and it is our responsibility to do something about it”. Coe refused to be drawn on speculation surrounding where the cuts would be made, but the Lufbra Echo yesterday revealed that the former world record holder was “seriously thinking about” opting for a grass track in order to make the Olympics “greener”. An insider told this morning how Coe and the LOCOG board had “been shopping in Wilkinson’s” in search of a cheap set of medals. “Lord Coe is hoping that by buying in bulk we will save a packet,” said one of the Lord’s senior aides, “he’s really quite set on the idea.”

Meanwhile, other sources have leaked news that the one hundred metres may be reduced to 95 in order to save some money. “This is a 5% reduction,” enthused a BOA insider, “and we have not ruled out downsizing other events. I know that there is a general feeling that the marathon is too long anyway- we’re thinking about just saying the winner of the London Marathon [in April] is the Olympic Champion- it will save a lot of hassle.” It also looks certain that “almost all” the women’s Track and Field events will be cancelled. Our source went on, “would you really miss them? We sat in Beijing and thought ‘what a waste of time!’ They’re slower and duller than the men....most aren’t even that attractive”.

Downing Street also refused to deny speculation that the Government was set to cancel the Olympics altogether. A story set to be printed in a Sunday newspaper reveals how the new administration is “looking to postpone the Games to a more economically convenient time.” A Whitehall source said, “telephone calls have been made. We have looked at trying to loan the Games out to some other country that has loads of money. Like Greece, for example”.

It was confirmed last week that plans to have Dame Kelly Holmes present some of the medals were scrapped after the great Dame demanded a £300,000 payment per medal as well as helicopter transport to and from each ceremony. It is thought that the incoming Culture Minister, Jeremy Hunt (who was a Conservative at the time of writing), was fuming when he discovered such an astronomical sum was being mooted. Hunt has also vetoed demands by Usain Bolt that there be “a chicken nugget outlet on every corner” on the grounds that it was extortionate.

It seems that Bolt will not be the only athlete to be disappointed with the feeding arrangements. Newly appointed Prime Minister David Cameron (and/or Nick Clegg, delete as appropriate) has indicated that it is likely that ASDA will provide “two meals a day, maximum” for each athlete. Horrified by the thought of having to eat such rubbish, Andrew Lemoncello has “ruled himself out” of the Games. A Lemoncello source said, “Andrew is clear on this- ASDA’s green colours naturally offend him and the Olympics really isn’t that high on his list of priorities anyway”.

Elsewhere, Ryanair has been confirmed as the “Official Airline” of the 2012 Olympics.

THE WEEK IN PICTURES

OBAMA SHARES THE GOOD NEWS


McLEOD REGRETS ATTEMPTING TO 'FLY HIMSELF' HOME


GANDY REQUESTS CABINET POSITION


COE IN SHOCK ANNOUNCEMENT

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL: LSAC ELECTIONS 2010

WARBURTON CAMPAIGN IN TATTERS AFTER OFFICIAL BUST-UP

Chris Warburton has had to shelve ambitions to become LSAC’s new Secretary of Committee for the Alumni after a 5 minute rant at “officious nobodies” during last night’s opening Loughborough Midweek. The 1500m star was “shocked and disappointed” by the tone of voice adopted by the timekeepers' assistant reading out the lap splits during his race. “There was no support in there,” fumed the eventual race winner, “it was like she wasn’t interested or didn’t care. Frankly I felt as if she wanted to be any place else but watching me run.” The Notts AC man was also upset by what he called a “tactical” false start from bitter rival Stephen Emery. “There should be laws against that sort of behaviour,” thundered the 3:39 man, “the truth is that the starter bottled it. Emery should have been out on his ear, no question.” In extraordinary scenes at Loughborough’s track last night, Warburton had to be dragged from the Meeting Referee by fellow athletes and announced shortly afterwards that he would not be standing for Committee representation. In his statement, the 27 year-old refused to apologise for his actions and called for a “fundamental review” of the officiating in the UK. “It’s time we got some competent people in to do this job,” he said, “this sort of amateur nonsense just won’t do.”

STEWART BACKS HIMSELF FOR PRESIDENTIAL ROLE

In a strange interview given exclusively to the Lufbra Echo last night, UKA’s Director of Endurance seemed to throw his hat into the ring for a Presidential campaign. It had long been assumed that Sophie Thomas- the current Secretary of Committee for making the tea- would run for the position unopposed, but the UKA supremo last night boasted of his “f******g superb record” in athlete management. “Nobody could do that job but me,” said Stewart from last night’s Midweek meet, “I am the only f******g candidate. Who is this f******g woman going for it? Are you f******g serious?” Stewart’s words have left many scrambling for the Loughborough Students Athletic Club Constitution which is said to be “vague at best” on whether an outsider could be appointed. A club historian said, “it certainly would be the most extraordinary development since the Coe-Moorcroft coalition in the 1980s.” It is not yet clear whether the Scot was being serious in his interview, but he did reserve strong words for “whoever was f******g responsible for making these f******g awful sandwiches”. Alasdair Donaldson has since apologised.

STOTT CALLS FOR ICE REVIEW

Luke Stott, the current Secretary of Committee for not doing very much, has said that if he were to become the new Secretary of Committee for doing even less (Track and Field Captain), he would chair an investigation into the “substandard” ice quality in Loughborough. “If we are to remain at the top of our game,” said the sprinter, “we really need to address the ice machines.” It seems that many of Loughborough’s sprint community have slammed the current ice arrangements as they “are too cold”. Echo favourite James Dasaolu recently threw an ice bag across the plyometric mat after a well meaning physio applied it to his hurt leg. An insider revealed that the coldness of the ice “had come as a complete surprise” to Dasaolou, who demanded someone fetch him some “warm ice”.

FLANNERY SET TO “CLEAN UP MESS” AS MATTHEWS SEEKS PROMOTION

Keiran Flannery has stated that it is his “constitutional duty” to remain as Secretary of Committee for (not) delivering the kit. The 800m star had offered his resignation from the disastrous coalition with Pete Matthews after the kit did not arrive. However launching his campaign manifesto today, Flannery indicated that he felt the experience of the past year would “serve him well” in taking the kit situation forward. “I know what it’s like to be at the lowest point,” said Flannery to an excited crowd of more than 4, “I know how to make this club’s kit great again. I got you into this and I can get you out of it.”

It has become clear that Pete Matthews will not be following his former partner’s example and has instead opted to campaign to become the joint new Secretary of Committee for drunkenness with Andrew Mariani. Matthews claims to be well qualified for the role by being “an all round great guy”, however some would question his suitability given that he gave close friends “roughly a five percent chance” of making the BUCS final. One close source, who asked not to be named, said “Matthews has a dark side and is committed to being at the top. He will crawl over dead bodies to get there”. The former GB International (Mountain Running) used his CV to indicate that he was “very unlucky” to miss out on being appointed Head Boy whilst at school, but has obtained Grades 1, 2 and 3 on the piano. Potential voters are also informed of the “prestigious” institutions to which Matthews was invited to attend before opting for Loughborough. Our source continued, “frankly, I wish he’d taken up one of those other offers- it would’ve saved us all some trouble”.

BRADBURY EYES VP ROLE

Gary Bradbury has pledged to “bring a bit of talent” to the committee if he was to be elected as the Vice President, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The so far unconfirmed VP candidate told friends and activists that his rivals “should never underestimate the determination of a quiet man”. The outgoing (and largely disgraced) President Rob Hodges made no secret of his desire to see “a man of Bradbury’s ilk” in his last Committee. Hodges told the Echo that he would be “delighted” if Bradbury chose to run. “To be honest,” said the President, “I have looked at the current nominations list and it contains a bunch of no hopers. We need an athlete of Gary’s calibre to advertise ourselves to the world.” The largely ceremonial role of Vice President involves chairing committee meetings and President’s Questions when the President is away on Club business as well as carrying the Presidential Spikes to race meetings. Hodges revealed that he attempted to use the 25th Amendment to the Club Constitution to get Bradbury “in through the back door” last year. “It didn’t work out,” said the premiere, “you see the Gary and I sometimes race together and the President and Vice President can never travel together.” Publicly, Bradbury was remaining coy this morning- but insiders are said to be gearing up with a “hard hitting” campaign manifesto.

HODGES ANNOUNCES 2010 ELECTIONS

STANDING DOWN: President Hodges will not run for a second term after being linked to a number of scandals

LSAC will hold their annual elections one week from tomorrow, after Rob Hodges- the current premiere- sought a dissolution of his committee in his weekly meeting with Loughborough supremo, George Gandy. Hodges will not be contesting for an unprecedented second term as president after scandal has marred much of his administration- with many stating that it is likely to have cost him a role as the Athletic Union President. In a short speech, President Hodges paid tribute to his "faithful team" and thanked his family for their "dedicated support". There is no question that Hodges' resignation is an act of great generosity to the people of LSAC- paving the way for a "fresh start" and a new form of "committee management".

People will not necessarily look kindly on Hodges' short tenure as committee chief. As early as his third week, it became clear that all was not as it seemed with club finances. The former Treasurer was seen to dodge a bullet when dismissing his replacement, Becky White over the cash-for-emails scandal. White was rumoured to be about to "blow the lid" on the "reckless borrowing" that had so epitomised Hodges' chancellorship. In a recent interview with a Sunday newspaper, White told of how the "dark forces of hell" were unleashed upon her when she dared to reveal that the club's deficit may be worse than first forecast.

White was at the centre of the second major issue to beset Hodges- the Red Bull fiasco. Club members were left seething when marched from their beds at 3am to officiate in a London race to "aid club funds". It was at this point that Pete Matthews attempted to launch a personal challenge to the Hodges administration with catastrophic results. Having initially indicated his support for such a move, Ian Anholm pulled the carpet from under the former GB International's (Mountain Running) feet at the last moment- throwing Hodges a lifeline. Approval ratings may well have dipped, but November's dismissal of the aforementioned White (after an expose from the Lufbra Echo) served to pacify the masses who were demanding the President's resignation.

Alas, Hodges will forever be linked to the "darkest days ever to haunt the club" in the debacle that was kit-gate. The key reason why any Matthews presidency would have been untenable was bubbling beneath the surface and stunned the sporting world in February. Whispers had been circulating for days that the kit would not arrive in time for the BUCS Cross Country and it was finally confirmed just 24 hours before the event. The late announcement forced many to shriek 'cover up', but in truth Hodges could hardly be blamed. His mistake was a stubborn refusal to apoloise for the gaffe and hope that the club would move on. As it was, the weeks ticked by and the kit did not arrive- culminating in its non-appearance at the BUCS Outdoors- a nightmare for any President or Kit Secretary. The resignation of Kieran Flannery did not suffice and it became clear to Hodges that electoral defeat was inevitable.

President Hodges took over in extraordinary times and it is fair to say that the Kingston-upon-Hull man made the best of what he had. Medals at BUCS Cross and convincing victories at both the Outdoor and Indoor events will perhaps serve as some comfort. However, as many campaign to "clean up Committee", Hodges will be inextricably linked to the former, dirty politics. Whether that is fair or not is for history to judge, but a clearly emotional Hodges perhaps summed up his plight this afternoon, "I did what I thought was right". Many will question him, many will point to shabby displays at all-you-can-eat contests, to allegations that he took his eye of the ball- but no one can doubt his conviction and determination to do his best for a truly great club.

The Echo will of course be covering the Elections in detail and would like to re-iterate it's position of neutrality. No one candidate in any position will be backed*. You can rely on us for independent and decisive coverage to help you make up your mind.


* Subject to change. Terms and Conditions apply. All donations will be considered.

NEWS ROUND-UP

With election fever gripping Britain, the Echo focuses on what's important and rounds up all that is new in France, Loughborough and beyond.....

McLEOD RUES DRIVING DECISION

Ryan McLeod has refused to drive his car back to the United Kingdom in the wake of allegations that travel mates, Lewis Moses and Johnny Mellor are not taking their navigational responsibilities seriously. The journey to Front Romeu- some 1,000 miles- took significantly longer than slated after McLeod made several “basic errors” in his directional choice. Mellor revealed earlier this month that he was “livid” with his driver as he refused to follow the instructions of the Sat Nav. However, yesterday Mellor went further, revealing that the convoy had “gone via Poland” in a bid to reach the altitude camp before nightfall. “I couldn’t care less if that daft lad doesn’t want to drive home,” said Mellor, “I’m quite happy to steal the car and drive myself.”

McLeod is rumoured to have been recalled from Barcelona airport having “forgotten” that he was due to drive back to the UK. It was only when he returned to the UKA base that it was revealed that he was having second thoughts over the decision. The Tipton Harrier was remaining silent this morning and refused to take any calls from journalists, but it looks as if days of negotiations lie ahead. UKA have called in specialist negotiators in to try and bring the crisis to a swift end, but it seems that there are “fundamental disagreements” between the two parties. An insider said, “Ryan thinks that Lewis and Johnny should take their role as navigators more seriously. He is also demanding that only songs from his iPod be played throughout the journey.” McLeod, who has a personalised number plate in order to help him remember which car is his, courted criticism on a recent day trip when he ditched conventional roads in an effort to beat George Gandy to a restaurant. His passengers, who have asked not to be named, told of a “terrifying” plunge down a number of ski slopes.

RANKINGS GAFFE INFRURIATES EMERY

Stephen Emery has said that he is “seriously considering” his participation in the Loughborough International later this month after Ian Anholm made an extraordinary error when typing up the latest LSAC rankings. “Why on earth am I not ranked number 1?” fumed the BUCS Outdoor 5,000m Bronze medallist, “who is that nobody, Wall-Clarke? I beat him in the heat and yet he is down as beating me. I am outraged.” Emery told of how this was the latest in a long line of bust ups with Anholm. “He never willingly gives me physio vouchers,” said the Coventry man, “he looks me up and down in a way that says ‘you’re not entitled to them’. Well I think my performance last week [at BUCS] shows that I am.” Anholm refused to comment on the allegation that he “had it in” for Emery, but did concede that the rankings could be wrong. “How am I supposed to get them all right?” protested the Admin supremo, “all I know is that he [Emery] was going backwards in the heat and so I may have assumed Wall-Clarke beat him.”

Anholm stopped short of issuing an apology and instead launched an attack of his own on Emery. Labelling the star “arrogant and dismissive”, Anholm revealed that he had had “a number” of complaints about Emery’s attitude since scooping the medal. “I have heard that he has been surging in runs and then celebrating as if he had won another medal. He also demanded that a fresher clean his spikes the other day and that isn’t on.” It is likely that George Gandy will set out a new disciplinary structure for LSAC upon his return from France, as it has become clear that the guru’s bungling deputies, David Howe and Alasdair Donaldson, are unable to control big names such as Emery. A source for the LSAC chief said, “George is looking forward to the challenge of righting a few wrongs when he gets back. He is disappointed to hear of some of the antics that have occurred in his absence”.

TALCUM POWDER ERROR LEAVES BOWSER EMBROILED IN DRUGS SCANDAL

Matthew Bowser has apologised to his “many fans” for using a brand of talcum powder that contains banned substances. An insider at Bowser’s Front Romeu camp revealed how the sub-30 10k man only realised his gaffe when it was too late. “He offered it around to the other lads,” said our source, “he said that it left his skin feeling wonderfully soft and re-hydrated. Thankfully, Johnny Mellor thought to check the label.” Bowser was forced to admit his wrongs to UKA chiefs and it is thought that the governing body has now launched a “damage limitation” exercise. The City of Sheffield man is “co-operating fully” with French authorities and it is likely that he will be let off with a “firm warning”.

Speaking at a press conference before travelling home this morning Bowser said, “I am one hundred percent responsible. The friendly man in Holland and Barrett never mentioned that there was an issue with it, but I should have asked.” The Lincoln based star went on, “it’s just that I have always struggled with dry and flaky skin- this powder solved those issues and so it is with a heavy heart that I stop using it.” UKA chief Charles Van Commenee sat in on the press conference, but would not be drawn on what sanctions await Bowser. “Let me be clear,” said the performance supremo, “Matthew is only guilty of wanting fresh, peachy skin like that of myself. He has not knowingly committed a doping violation.” Van Commenee went on to state that there had been no noticeable improvement in Bowser’s performances whilst using the powder. “It is unlikely that he inhaled enough to make any real difference,” said the Dutchman, “if he had been finishing sessions and races or producing unbelievable times it would be more of an issue. But he hasn’t so it’s fine”.

Both Van Commenee and Bowser stated that they were “absolutely dedicated” to a drug free sport and that Bowser would be giving a series of lectures on the “dangers of dermatological products” in competition. It is likely that the 14:13 5k man will be counting his blessings that this was discovered before it was too late. Only a fortnight ago, LaShawn Merritt was slapped with a lengthy ban for using a “male enhancement drug”.

LSAC IN CRISIS AS DONALDSON LAUNCHES LEADERSHIP BID

Loughborough insiders have revealed that “months of uncertainty” surround the most successful student athletics club in history. Alasdair Donaldson, assistant to LSAC supremo George Gandy, has today announced a formal leadership challenge to the guru- who is not due back from France until Tuesday. The news comes as the student side of the club gears up for elections in a matter of weeks. Rob Hodges, the current LSAC President, was rumoured to be seeking a dissolution of his committee as early as next Wednesday, but Donaldson’s announcement has forced these ideas to be shelved. President Hodges said that “democracy must take its course” but would not be drawn on whether he is planning on supporting the coup.

Donaldson, who only arrived in Loughborough in January, launched his campaign manifesto to a group of three outside the High Performance Athletics Centre this afternoon. In it, he pledges to “put Loughborough first” and to “abolish Tuesday night grass sessions”. He is also calling for a “fundamental reform” in the way Club Directors are appointed in future. The Scot said, “it isn’t right that someone like George can be at the helm for over 30 years....the club is tired and we need a change.”

It is unknown how well his move will be supported with many, including John Nutall, remaining silent this evening. Quick fire opinion polls have shown it unlikely that the 33 year-old would be able to gain an outright majority of votes and therefore automatically win the keys to “the upstairs office”. A spokesman from polling agency, YouGov said “there is an appetite for change, and I think some feel that Mr. Gandy may not be the right man to take the club forward. However, opinions are mixed on whether Mr. Donaldson is the right man to do it.” Donaldson’s supporters refused to rule out a potential coalition with fellow assistant David Howe “if it were enough to get him over the line”. Dr. Howe is currently in Finland, but his spokesman said that he “only sought stable governance within LSAC and nothing else.” Commentators have said that this “leaves the door completely open” for either Donaldson or Gandy to approach him. The BBC’s Sports Editor, Matthew Bond said “it is clear that it could come down to David Howe to play kingmaker in this situation....it’s an unenviable but hugely exciting position to be in”.

Some have said that this is “the worst possible time” for such uncertainty with the club looking at an “eye-watering” level of debt. “Our deficit is reaching record highs and now is not the time for leadership bickering,” said a well placed source, “we need speedy and decisive stability- along with strong leadership”. It is unlikely that the situation will be resolved until Mr. Gandy returns from Front Romeu later this week, but Donaldson knows that he has just taken the biggest gamble of his career. Either it will work and he will lead LSAC, or it will fail and his career will be over before it ever really began.

SAMUELS SEASON IN DOUBT AFTER TAN FOUL-UP

Nick Samuels faces a “long road to recovery” after mistakenly using the wrong brand of fake-tan yesterday. Loughborough sources have revealed how the 1500m international made the error when “rushing to get home” from Boots. “Nick didn’t think to check the label and now his skin has turned a weird orange colour,” an insider said, “it is very distressing to look at.” There were also said to be problems in the application, which has left “a streaky complexion” to the skin. It is thought that the 3:45 man was forced to resort to the bottle after many had lauded George Gandy’s “beautifully toned skin” and one had even hinted that the guru’s tan was “the best in LSAC”. Speaking only last week, Samuels attempted to laugh off the story by pointing out that Gandy was “nearly three times his age” and that as a result could not be included in the contest. However, growing media attention for Gandy’s sunbathing rituals in Front Romeu is rumoured to have pushed Samuels over the edge.

A spokesman for the Sale man has “categorically denied” speculation that his charge used artificial tan. It was instead claimed that Samuels’ strange complexion was owing to an “overdose of carrots”. “It’s the only conclusion we can draw,” said the source, “Nick has been running late at night recently and so has been eating more carrots to help his vision.” Rumours to the contrary have been slammed as “malicious nonsense” aimed at “derailing” Samuels’ season. “Nick will be back as soon as this [skin complaint] has died down,” the insider continued, “he’s in good shape and so will be proving everyone wrong yet again”.

Club officials at Loughborough remained coy on the revelations this morning, but did concede that the battle to be top dog in the tanning stakes was “hotter than ever”. “Portugal was a turning point,” said Ian Anholm’s official spokeswoman, “I know that Nick was upset that he was unable to attend, but we have no evidence that he has been using sun beds and the like”. The official also rejected calls to change the historic African Violet kit because it “did not complement” an all-over tan. “I know that Flannery has been going on about this for ages,” said the source, “frankly we’re all fed up of it. We let the guys wear different shorts and that should suffice. End of story.” It was confirmed that the tan race, which culminates at the Loughborough International later this month, had been “blown wide open” by the news that Frank Baddick had booked a two week holiday in Spain.

UKA CHIEFS FUMING AFTER FRONT ROMEU ‘DISASTER’

The country’s top athletics officials are tonight calling for a “full and frank investigation” into the goings on at the UKA endurance camp in Front Romeu. The revelations come after an official complaint was lodged by French President Sarkozy. The French head of state is said to be angry after cars have been thrown off mountains and a senior member of UKA staff was apprehended attempting to steal the bicycle of a disgruntled Tour de France hopeful. Performance supremo, Charles Van Commenee has not ruled out flying out to the Pyrenees later this week to “bring some order” to proceedings. “It’s a joke,” said the bespectacled ace, “what we need is discipline. They are not there to have fun.” The Dutchman is alleged to be planning to travel to France “as soon as UKA have designed an appropriate ski jacket” for the trip.

Meanwhile, insiders have told of a “blazing row” between George Gandy and Ian Stewart’s bungling PA, Spencer Barden. After “between 10 and 20 inches” of snow fell in the past 24 hours the guru is “hugely frustrated” according to our source. Barden claims that this “has never happened before” and maintains that he is “as frustrated as everyone else” at the weather. “Look, I came on a total of 12 reconnaissance trips and it never snowed. I’m stunned.” Gandy is thought to be upset after all training has had to be put on hold for the foreseeable future. “It’s a calamity,” said LSAC’s Director, “I worked on my tan in Portugal and now it’s fading fast....I woke up this morning and it looked like Kate Moss had sneezed. It’s very poor.” Not all UKA staffers were disappointed, however. Ian Stewart enjoyed “an excellent day” on the skiing slopes. “It was superb,” enthused UKA’s Director of Endurance, “it’s been tough since I returned from my holiday in the Maldives last week and so it was great just to relax.”

The snow has brought with it its own set of unique problems. Ryan McLeod clashed violently with Johnny Mellor in a snowball fight after Mellor beat the Newcastle man on FIFA 2010. Both athletes were left requiring minor medical treatment after the fight, with accusations of foul play marring the brawl. “Johnny’s shown himself to be really quite desperate,” thundered McLeod, “he put stones in the snowballs and that really hurt. He cheated on FIFA as well.” McLeod went on to accuse the Liverpool man of "living up to his reputation" by allegedly stealing some hubcaps on the trip down. For his part, Mellor rejected the "ridiculous accusations" and blamed his travel-mate for a poor start to the training trip. Referring to the fact that McLeod had driven the star to Front Romeu, he said “the plonker was all over the place. We had to remind him which side of the road to drive on and he kept playing on his iPhone.....I feel physically sick just thinking about it.” McLeod did concede a "catastrophic error" in forgetting to disable the "data roaming" facility on his iPhone. "It's going to cost a fortune," said the 13:58 5k man, "Lewis [Moses] has been on there downloading Michael Buble videos on YouTube."

BUCS DAY THREE.....

Well, it's all over. Another year, another early-season 'major' Championships comes to an end. The Lufbra Echo rounds up the action from the last day.....

HOWE DENIES BATH AMBITION

Loughborough's assistant coach, David Howe has "categorically denied" rumours linking him with a big money move to Bath University. The Canadian was mobbed by journalists as he arrived at Bedford this morning after Bath chiefs were seen meeting with him late last night. This morning's Sun carried pictures of Bath students wearing "GO CANUCKS" t-shirts and quoted the University's Director of Sport saying that he "had always had the utmost respect for all Canadians". When contacted by the Echo this morning, Bath insiders revealed that University supremos were "ready to commit to the right man" to lead the athletics set up. "Bath are ready to become a major force in Track and Field," said a source, "we have secured a lot of funding and are on the lookout for someone to lead us to a BUCS Outdoor push within the next few years." The spokesman dismissed speculation that George Gandy was about to "offload" Alasdair Donaldson on the spa town.

Howe meanwhile was keeping a low profile at today's events and was carefully watched by Loughborough's security personnel. John Nutall, however, did reveal that Howe was "thinking seriously" about his future and that "any opportunity would be looked at". The Preston born coach went on, "if I was David, I would be flattered. The opportunity to lead a great team like Bath with good backing is a once in a lifetime. I hope they find someone. Maybe a disgruntled UKA employed Prestonian with an excellent CV and good track performances to match. But who knows?"

As he drove away from the stadium, Howe called the links "ridiculous" before nearly causing a major accident by pulling out in front a a speeding BMW.

'ARCTIC' TEMPERATURES FRUSTRATE BRADBURY

Gary Bradbury has called for next year's Championships to be held elsewhere after bemoaning the "stupidly cold" conditions for the 1500m final. "It was terrible," said the Woking star, "I seriously considered racing in a tracksuit." Bradbury, who finished 4th, also responded to criticism that he did not take his semi-final seriously enough after sending a text message half-way through the race. "Look, if the other guys insist on running that slowly, then I am bound to get bored," fumed the 3:43 man, "I had been meaning to text this guy back about Chelsea tickets for a while and so I thought I would before I forgot."

Bradbury was not the only man to hit out at the weather. The entire Loughborough men's 4x100m team initially refused to race owing to a "ludicrous risk" of muscular damage. Luke Stott explained from the call room, "I have just been out there and let me tell you there's no way we can run it. It wouldn't be safe." Officials have denied that they were considering bringing in heaters to warm the track for the relays. "That was never on the cards," said an insider, "it was raised by a junior staffer and we dismissed it immediately. Thankfully the Loughborough guys relented after Ian Anholm threatened to ban the use of ice baths back in the East Midlands."

EMERY 'THRILLED' AFTER SENSIBLE DISPLAY

Stephen Emery has spoken of his "delight" after securing a bronze medal in the final of the men's 5,000m. The Coventry star stunned other competitors with a lethal 27.63 final 200m and made no effort to hide his glee. "I hope this shuts everyone up now," Emery told the Echo immediately afterwards, "Ben Green and the like have been on at me for so long. Why don't I increase this or do more of that- but this proves that being sensible is what counts." So sensible was Emery that he missed the medal presentation in order to complete his systematic cool down. "What a stupid time to hold the ceremony," said the 22 year-old, "if I didn't do my jog and exercises I would live to regret it for sure."

There is no doubting Emery's impressive performance this morning. Initially sitting just behind the main pack, the 1:52 800m man made steady progress throughout the middle portion of the race and unleashed his impressive sprint at the right moment. Unfortunately for him, race leaders Nick Goolab and Rory Chesser had got away from the field by this stage and it had become a scrap for bronze. Speaking after the race, new champion Nick Goolab bemoaned a "pedestrian" opening gambit. "The first few laps were absolutely ridiculous," said the Belgrave star, "I wish I hadn't bothered to warm up now it was so slow. Eventually I decided to turn it into a tempo and Rory was the only guy brave enough to come with me." Goolab also showed a good race awareness as he kicked away from Chesser in the final 100m. "It just wasn't my day," sighed a deflated Chesser after the race, "Goolab started saying nasty things to me in the last kilometre like 'you need a hair cut' and 'your socks are rubbish'. I guess that got to me."

BUCS DAY TWO.....

Wind and rain may have battered Bedford today, but our guys remain resolute in bringing you all the action and gossip from BUCS......

COFFEE PROVISION MUST IMPROVE: BULDARO

Birmingham’s head coach, Bud Buldaro has hit out at what he calls “rancid” coffee served at Bedford’s stadium. “Have you tried it?” fumed the velvet tongued coach, “it’s dreadful. In this day and age you really do expect better. How can coaches be expected to go about their business when having to drink that rubbish?” Buldaro spent “several hours” with officials last night discussing the situation and revealed today that it would be “unlikely” to improve. Emerging from the talks in the early hours of the morning, he said “the trouble is they are stuck in their ways. They think that we have to have rubbish coffee at UK track events- well we don’t. It’s 2010, not 1910”.

BUCS chiefs would not comment officially this morning, but well placed sources have told the Lufbra Echo that Buldaro was “very angry” last night. “I think he was upset that Nick Goolab wore the wrong socks or something, but he was right up in the face of the meeting referee.” Our insider continued, “we don’t see anything really wrong with the coffee. If you don’t like it, then don’t drink it.”

OXBRIDGE BEMOAN ‘PLEB SITUATION’

Representatives of Britain’s two leading Universities, Oxford and Cambridge have complained that a growing number of “common people” are distracting them from their races. A spokesman for the two institutions said, “it’s so very tiresome. We can’t be expected to prepare fully for the 100 yard dash and the like if these imbeciles start charging around like school children.” One Oxford athlete was furious after a student from Essex University “maliciously” spilt a can of Red Bull over his copy of Hamlet. “If I don’t read Hamlet’s glorious soliloquy before racing then there is no point,” thundered the beaten 1500m semi-finalist, “that’s my season effectively over now. I am heartbroken.”

Oxbridge leaders have called for a “special call room” for individuals who have gained a minimum of 6 A graded A Levels. The source went on, “they have to study a reasonable course as well. We can’t have these simpletons who read ‘Sport Science’ coming in. Suitable attire will have to be worn and these ghastly iPods will be banned.” It is thought that Cambridge students have become particularly upset with the “repulsive culture of hugging your opponent at the end of the race.” One athlete said, “what has happened to the traditional hand shake? It’s not nice to have sweaty plebeians coming up and embracing you.”

It is unlikely that the complainers will garner much sympathy with the officials in charge of the event. A BUCS source said, “it’s outrageous. Just because they want to turn up in fancy dress and prance around in smoking jackets, they think they can boss everyone around. Well they can’t.” The insider went on to point out that the annual clash between Oxford and Cambridge in the Boat Race had “no quality whatsoever”. “Neither of those teams would get near the final of a BUCS event. They need to get over themselves.”

ATHLETE FAILS TO MAKE FINAL AFTER “NOT RUNNING QUICK ENOUGH” SHOCK

A middle-distance runner will not compete in the final of his event after “not running as quick” as other athletes in his semi-final. The athlete, who has asked to remain nameless, is said to be “an established name” on the athletics circuit and offered no excuse for his failure. When asked what went wrong, he left observers gob-smacked by conceding that he “probably wasn’t as good” as the people who beat him. One watcher said afterwards, “it was unbelievable- he virtually gave up. He could have blamed the wind, the pH level of the water here or the ridiculously bright vests that some athletes wear, but he didn’t.” Commentators have criticised the athlete for a “lack of fighting spirit”. Paula Radcliffe told the Echo that anybody worth their salt should have a “bank of excuses” at the ready. “It doesn’t matter what they are,” said one of the best Olympic failures of all time, “but there’s always a reason and you never, ever just say that you weren’t good enough.”

The shocking revelation comes as other athletes were less gracious and officials hurriedly released statements apologising for “unprecedented levels” of disappointment caused largely by the wind. “There has been a lot of upset today,” said an insider, “we are looking at erecting large screens in future because the wind has been such a pain today....we have had a lot of complaints.”

BUCS DAY ONE....

All the action from Bedford, rounded up by our dedicated team.....

BUCS TO LAUNCH HORN PROBE

Meeting officials in Bedford have promised a swift investigation into the “ridiculous nuisance” that is a perennial horn blower. One insider told the Echo, “we have a fair idea of who it is and let me tell you the full weight of the law will be brought upon them....it’s all very childish and athletes are getting really quite upset about it.” All bags will be searched upon entry tomorrow with athletes and spectators to be subject to “random searches”. Our source went on, “we can’t go around making blind accusations and so hopefully the threat of action will deter the miscreant.” This news comes hours after Stephen Emery blamed the blower for running “too fast” in his 5,000m heat. “How can I be expected to win on Monday [in the final] now?” thundered the LSAC star from the team hotel, “I was 8 seconds quicker than I needed to be and frankly, I’m knackered....that god awful horn just kept blowing and I mistook it for a signal to speed up. It’s very poor.”

Emery was not the only athlete to be upset by the horn blowing. Matt Sullivan has said that it “almost certainly” cost him a place in the 1500m semi-final. “The horn put me off at the crucial moment,” harrumphed the 3:55 man from his post race press conference, “going into the final lap, I was ready to go. Then that f*****g horn blew and I jumped. I am really gutted.” Meanwhile, others have been quick to pour cold water on what is fast becoming known as ‘horn-gate’. Gary Bradbury said that he had “no issue” with the noise and that those who complained were “just being precious”. The 3:43 man went on, “I really can’t see the problem. Just because some guys aren’t good enough they look for excuses. That’s annoying. I found my heat extraordinarily easy.”

PARER CUT LEAVES STREET “50/50” FOR FINAL

Medics will this evening assess the damage to Peter Street’s right hand after the 5k star suffered a “horrendous” paper cut when removing his vest this afternoon. The Preston man had just qualified with ease for Monday’s final, but caught his finger on his bib number just before starting his cool down. A spokesman for LSAC said that it was “deeply troubling” but that Street would “receive only the very best care”. Our source continued, “it’s nasty, really nasty. But no one here feels like telling Ian Anholm [LSAC Administration chief] we may have a withdrawal. He reacts badly to things like that and it might kick off.” Street’s injury is currently being looked at by Loughborough’s team doctor and insiders have refused to rule out flying in a “paper cut specialist” from the States. “The good news is that we have tomorrow to get it sorted,” said a spokesman, “if the medics think that a specialist is required then that is what we will do. No expense will be spared.” The spokesman, who was speaking before boarding LSAC’s team coach, went on to lambast a “shoddy” day’s officiating from BUCS. “We’ve had paper cuts and power cuts,” he said, “it’s just not on. I only hope they can buck [geddit?!] their ideas up for tomorrow.”

WOODS IN GANDY SLUR

Mick Woods took time out today to tell the Echo that George Gandy was being “unprofessional” by failing to turn up to support Loughborough at the Championships. “Hopeless,” sighed the St. Mary’s man, “you don’t see me swanking off to Front Romeu now do you? That is because I am professional and I value my athlete’s progress.” Woods was speaking just after Mitch Goose, one of his charges, crashed out in the heat of the 800m. “That was disappointing, but Mitch is experimenting with a new haircut and it seems that his latest short look isn’t the way to go....he’ll be growing it now.” Woods went on to point out that Goose had “forgotten” his compression socks and that that gaffe was likely to have cost him “at least 3 seconds.” The Aldershot coach explained, “when you look at it like that, he made the semi. It’s all learning and he will be keeping a co-ordinated pair of socks on him at all times from now on.” Woods would not elaborate on rumours in this morning’s newspapers that another athlete of his, Stephanie Twell, was ruled out of BUCS after mistakenly eating two bananas in a day. “I won’t comment on such media nonsense,” stormed the former UKA coach before accidently walking into a wall.