MATTHEWS IN LONDON SNUB
Pete Matthews’ office has announced that the disgraced AAAs fraudster will not compete at the London Grand Prix owing to British tax laws. The former GB International (Mountain Running) was rumoured to be “on a list somewhere” that may or may not of indicated that he would possibly be given an invite to the event if all the airports in the UK were closed and there was a food poisoning outbreak. However, Matthews has effectively ruled out racing in the UK until the Olympics in 2012 with his official spokesman urging the Government to rethink “draconian” tax laws. “Mr. Matthews naturally wants to compete in front of his adoring home fans, but is being prevented from doing so as the Government will demand 50% of his travel expenses,” said the source. The spokesman would not comment on whether his charge would turn up anyway just to collect his accreditation. Matthews’ hopes of qualifying for the European U23 Mountain Running Championships event also look to be in doubt after this announcement. A spokesman for the team denied accusations that they would include “anyone who could be bothered to turn up” and said that it was likely Matthews would have to do the trial race. “This is not a no-hoper sport like Golf,” said the unpaid official, “we have standards here and they include more than just being alive, British and under the age of 23.”
ATHLETICS WEEKLY CONTAINS NON-ADVERTORIAL ARTICLE SHOCK
Athletics Weekly may have to apologise this week to its outraged readership as one of their articles “was not an advert”. Furious regulars have seemingly become used to the tenuous and crass links to vaguely running related products and this week’s coverage of the Diamond League contained nothing of the sort. Happily, this week’s issue does contain an article talking up the benefits of a mattress that improves performance. Under the somewhat obvious headline “Recover While You Sleep”, the author extols the virtues of a good night’s sleep on the “high specification foam” that has supposedly been endorsed by the National Institute for Clinical Excellence (NICE). Indeed it has- but not for sporting performance. NICE Guideline 29 encourages “patients with a Grade 3-4 [pressure ulcer]” to “have a high specification foam mattress”. So athletes suffering from “extensive destruction, tissue necrosis, or damage to muscle, bone or supporting structures with or without full thickness skin loss” should get out and order one of these mattresses right now!
CHRISTINE OHURUOGU: A CLARIFICATION
In a recent edition of the Lufbra Echo, we suggested that Miss Ohuruogu was about to be prosecuted by the council for “fail[ing] to put her recycling out for the third week running.” We of course accept that this was not the case and are happy to hear that Miss Ohuruogu is absolutely fastidious when sorting her litter. Indeed, if she had been as careful with informing drug testers of her whereabouts as she is with ensuring that her recycling is out on time, it probably would have saved us all a lot of trouble. Nonetheless, we are happy to set the record straight and wish Miss Ohuruogu every success in not running well until the European Championships, winning a medal and then having a strop because people doubted her.
Stop Press: Miss Ohuruogu’s spokesman has never been to Jamaica either.
ONE ATHLETE RUNS QUICKER THAN ANOTHER ATHLETE SHOCK
An athlete who was not expected to perform very well at the England Championships has won a medal, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The result has taken many in the running community aback and it is hoped that “natural order” will be restored quickly. Said one observer: “that athlete is rubbish. How did he run faster than another athlete who is clearly better than him? This is very odd.” England Athletics have promised an “immediate investigation” into the incident and have not ruled out re-running the race. “Obviously it’s worrying,” said a perplexed insider, “we can’t understand what went wrong. Maybe he [the athlete who performed well] ran less than everyone else- we need to get to the bottom of this.”