THE LUFBRA ECHO: 100 POSTS OLD

Despite protestations that the site would be “closed down”, the Lufbra Echo today reaches a significant milestone: this is the 100th post. Ahead of an extended holiday for the busy editorial team, and largely because we can’t think of anything else to write, we thought that we would re-hash some of the best bits over the past few months. Cheap and lazy journalism? Well, possibly. But to be fair in two hours of live athletics coverage on Tuesday morning, the BBC spent well over half of it reminiscing about the Barcelona 1992 Olympics, so we feel we are due our own look back. Make yourself a nice cup of tea, sit back and enjoy our look over the top 10 moments in Echo history. Simply click on the number to read the story.

NUMBER 10: It was us who first broke the news that the now European 10,000m champion Mo Farah had had to give up on his hope of scooping the BBC Masterchef crown.

NUMBER 9: Ryan McLeod makes his first appearance in the countdown after he and Nick McCormick broke Loughborough’s pricy Alter-G treadmill.

NUMBER 8: Bowser, a European Cross Champion? Surely not. Err, well according to the BBC he was.

NUMBER 7: And a welcome first entry for the Echo’s award winning Portugal coverage. Here, there are concerns before the annual influx of distance runners even arrive in the Algarve.

NUMBER 6: Justice for LaShawn! The Echo sensitively discusses the drug cheat’s private issues.

NUMBER 5: UKA shocked everyone with their World Cross Selection. We had our own exclusive twist on the story.

NUMBER 4: It’s that man again! Ryan McLeod was in trouble after calling the emergency services for his damaged iPhone

NUMBER 3: It’s a bronze for the much praised coverage of the McLeod-Russell spat. The Echo was thanked by the Sports Journalists Association for our sensitive articles.

NUMBER 2: POST DELETED DUE TO ONGOING LEGAL FIGHT. Uh oh! It looks like we can’t bring you our silver medallist as we are still entrenched in a bitter and drawn out courtroom drama!

NUMBER 1: Well it had to come down to something on Portugal didn’t it? Yep, you guessed it- the gold medal Echo article as voted for by our research department is the report following a “night of scandal” in Vilamoura. Happy memories.

The Echo will now be on holiday until something interesting happens, if it ever does.

'ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN FINAL' SHOCK

The British athletics community is reeling from the revelation that "anything can happen in a final". It seems that theory was developed by top UKA boffins and has been drilled into every single athlete competing, either that or it is a competition to see how many times you can say the phrase. Alas, Echo favourite, James Dasaolu was unable to see if anything could happen as he did not manage to make the final of the 100m. Speaking shortly before the Championships, Dasaolu confidently told Phil Jones of the BBC that "firstly, I want to make the final....anything can happen in a final....firstly, I want to win a medal. In order to win a medal, I have to make the final". Right.

Further credence was given to the theory last night when Mark Lewis-Francis (self styled: MLF) stormed to a silver medal in 10.18 seconds- just 0.6s off the World Record. It was incredibly unfortunate for the BBC as they spent much of the time we all had to wait for the result pondering what colour medal Dwain Chambers might have won. Completely oblivious to the fact that Lewis-Francis had quite literally rolled his way to silver, Denise Lewis and Colin Jackson launched into a post mortem on Chambers' race: "he over strides and it cost him the race...it might even be that Bronze," opined Jackson of Chambers (who finished fifth), before confirming that Lamaitre "so certainly" won the race. In fact, so sure were Beeb producers that Lewis-Francis was not going to win a medal that they didn't even bother to put a front-on camera in his lane, thus meaning viewers were robbed of the opportunity to hear the pundits' views on his facial expressions.

"I'm so happy right about now," said Lewis-Francis of his "new beginning", before ruining his moment by deciding to speak in the third-person: "this is the new Mark Lewis-Francis". Is it? Would that be the same "new" Lewis-Francis who actually ran quicker a few years ago, won an Olympic (relay) medal and then went on to test positive for marijuana in 2005? Perhaps not. Thankfully, the BBC had wasted so long dwelling on the demise of Chambers that we weren't able to find out much about MLF's views on his medal. He did, however, state that it "was all thanks to Linford [Christie, Lewis-Francis' coach and convicted drug cheat]" before going onto say that it was also thanks to just about everyone else in the stadium.

Lewis-Francis was clearly delighted and rightly so. But he wasn't half as delighted as Steve Cram was when Chambers failed to medal: "Chambers has crumbled!" he gleefully proclaimed before continuing his pre-race love in with the victorious Frenchman. Oh well, Steve, we all agree that we shouldn't ever forgive people for their past mistakes- particularly cheats! Just like I hate people who run off and cheat on their wives when they have kids at home. I'm sure you'll agree.

VAN COMMENEE RUES GANDY BET

Charles Van Commenee has been forced to appear on live television in a ridiculous hat after losing a bet with athletics guru, George Gandy. The hat (pictured above) was described by one UKA official as “the most laughable garment ever made” and Van Commenee was less than delighted at having to get through the already tortuous interview with the BBC's Phil Jones wearing it. “Charles bet George that he could not eat his entire helping of paella,” revealed an insider, “Gandy promptly downed the lot in less than 10 minutes and still had room for dessert.” It is understood that had Gandy lost the bet, he would have had to have watched Lisa Dobriskey’s race wearing an “I LOVE JAMAL” t-shirt.

UKA Chief Execuitve Niels De Vos is unlikely to look kindly on the antics of the pair, after having to apologise for a string of pranks that culminated in Ian Stewart spending the night in a police cell at the World Indoors earlier in the year. “We will do all we can to ensure that everything is professional,” said the arriving chief this morning, “we are here to watch athletics and not have fun.”

EIGHTLANE FURY AT NORMAN APPROACH

The Chief Executive of Eightlane has expressed his anger at the "blatant theft" of one of their lead contributors by Runnerslife. Dave Norman has signed a lucrative deal with the Welsh based website- rumoured to be worth somewhere in the region of £3m spread over three years. Speaking at a press conference yesterday, the Sale Harriers man revealed that he had achieved a "life-long dream" by signing up. "I often used to look at the guys writing for Runnerslife and think how much I would like to be on here," beamed the marathoner, "I was so pleased to be asked. I jumped around the house for several hours."

However, Norman has left a good deal of damage in his wake. Furious Eightlane chiefs slammed the tactics of Runnerslife in securing their man. "They unsettled Dave with these approaches," said an insider, "I know that they have been after him for a while and I must admit I thought he was stronger than that....we are very disappointed." Of more concern for the popular running forum is the genuine feeling that Eightlane legend Luke Cragg could be on the verge of securing a switch of his own. "We are in advanced talks with another big name," said a Runnerslife source, "it is a very exciting time for our site." Eightlane have refused to comment on the rumours but have said that they will be looking at the legality of the Norman move. "We may yet report this to Offorum [the running forum watchdog]", continued our insider, "enough is enough. Runnerslife cannot keep getting away with these bully tactics."

Both sites have been criticised of late, with many pointing out that they are losing viewers fast in favour of the latest sensation to hit British athletics, Athleticos. "It is a desperate time for sites such as Runnerslife and Eigtlane," said a City source, "shares are plummeting and there just doesn't seem to be an appetite for this sort of thing anymore. They really do need to modernise, else the likes of Athleticos are going to clean up."

CONTADOR DRUG SHAME

Tour de France bosses are tonight reeling from the news that the race winner- Alberto Contador- has not failed a single drugs test at this year's Tour. The news comes amid widespread speculation that this could have been the "cleanest Tour de France of all time." Ashen faced Tour bosses are tonight meeting to hash out exactly what to do about the scandal, but it is looking unlikely that Conatador will be permitted to ride the race again. An insider said: "by inviting Vino [Alexandre Vinokourov] back, we thought we were certain to get a juicy scandal. But all he did was talk in the third person the whole time....it is very saddening."

Contador was remaining quiet on the revelations this evening, but with a press conference slated for tomorrow morning, it seems unlikely he will be able to hide from an enraged viewing public for long. Television viewing figures have plummeted as the Tour reached its conclusion with many fans becoming "disenchanted" with the sport. "We used to be able to rely on Le Tour for a good drugs story," said Jean-Pierre Le Frog from Paris, "thousands used to line streets and we would take bets on who was cheating. Those days are gone now. It has all changed."

Race organisers have been left particularly red faced as many suspected that this Tour would finally mark the downfall of Lance Armstrong. "They promised us an Armstrong failed test," fumed a representative of one key sponsor, "we will never back the Tour again now. All we got was an old man limping round- what good is that? It simply does not get people watching. I know that we all feel really let down." A source close to the race connoisseurs has said that they "cannot rule out" a completely drug free Tour. "We think that people are being very hasty in their judgement," said the source, "it is not over yet. We can still get people on the final stage....maybe even an Armstrong."

BMC CRITICISED FOR ORGANISING RACE

The British Milers Club will today apologise for organising a 3,000m before running it past the Eightlane community first. The event- slated for next Wednesday- looks set to feature Australian superstar Craig Mottram but has been greeted with a chorus of disapproval from outraged Eightlaners. “How come the 3k is now at 8pm?” grumbled ‘Rather you than me’, “it’s not listed on the BMC website and the 3000 normally goes off at 10pm or later.” Meanwhile, after Eightlane favourite Ryan McLeod confirmed his intention to race, ‘Dirty Craig fact’ amused himself with the irresistible: “So it could be the drug cheat v Mc Cock [sic]”. All richly comic and, undeterred by this small libel, ‘its a BMC mcleod [sic]’ lambasted the “terrible attitude” of the Tipton man. “[Y]ou should be sharing the pace with Mottram” howled the anonymous poster, “as it’s a BMC and the only point of these races is to run quick!” Some jokes just never get old, do they?

Elsewhere and away from the outcry at the rearranged start time, Chris Carter came in for some criticism for planning on running a 1500m. “Is chris carter the joker who runs in full adidas kit and most of the time runs outside 4minutes? [sic]” asked ‘another day hey’. And he/she/it is right. How dare an athlete wear matching kit to a race! That is absolutely scandalous. The Echo cannot support such a policy and thus is calling on all athletes to ensure that their kit does not match from now on. And while we’re at it, the BMC simply must stop organising these high quality races. If we aren’t careful, this country’s generation of wasters will be running out of excuses to spout on Eightlane and Letsrun. David Cameron: are you listening?

ATHLETICOS ‘BETTER THAN FLOTRACK’: OBAMA

Barrack Obama has launched an extraordinary attack on American Track and Field website Flotrack this lunchtime. The Commander-in-Chief lambasted the site’s head honchos for “letting their guard slip” and “unquestionably losing their place at the top table of Track and Field related websites.” The President spoke of an “unqualified tragedy” but heaped praise on the new British version of the site. “Athleticos is everything that Flotrack wants to be and more,” said Mr. Obama, “it encapsulates all that is great about our special friends in Great Britain. Athleticos is a truly great site for a truly great nation.” Flotrack insiders have revealed how website chiefs have been left seething by the snub: “it’s been very tense around here [at Flotrack HQ] the past few days,” said a site technician, “we knew that the President was going to say something about us, but had no idea that it would be so harsh.” Obama has refused to retract the comments or apologise for the upset that they have caused. His press secretary said that the President was "ashamed" of Flotrack's fall from grace. "He looks back to the glory days of a couple of years ago and wishes it could be the same," said the communications chief, "it is a sad day for American sport generally."

Obama was speaking to the Wall Street Journal just days after he refused an interview with Flotrack and whilst many will argue that the Democrat is just carrying out a politically motivated vendetta (Flotrack’s founder is a prominent Republican), few can argue that this is another fantastic coup for the British Athleticos. From humble beginnings in a Loughborough shed, the site has proved in recent weeks that it is ready to take on the world by securing exclusives with the likes of Chris Thompson and Lisa Dobriskey. “To be honest,” said a website source, “we don’t have to go looking for the interviews anymore. We find that the athletes’ agents all want to get on our site. It’s going great”. Athleticos has had a presence at every major European meeting this summer and has been rumoured to of snubbed approaches from the likes of Steve Cram and Brendan Foster. Our source went on: “we are presenting something new and fresh. Whilst it is nice that they want to work for us, I only think that it would alienate our core demographic.” There is no question that the site has been an unqualified success and the company's shares on the FTSE 100 rose to record highs just minutes after Obama’s interview was published.

Alas, the same cannot be said for the American counterpart, which was branded “tired” by American Marathoner Ryan Hall just last week. Viewing figures have reached an all-time low and it is rumoured that the site is in desperate talks with Athleticos in a bid to form some kind of alliance. “It is the only way Flotrack can survive” said a Wall Street analyst, “their stocks have taken such a beating in recent weeks, it is hard to see them being afloat without this merger past Christmas.” In an Emergency meeting of the site’s board last week, the Chief Executive was stripped of his $250,000 bonus and told that if things did not improve he could be out of a job by October. “Job losses seem inevitable,” said the site’s Human Resources Director, “the trick will be to do it sensitively. We have to realise that there are other players out there now and if we can’t beat them, we might just have to join them.”

Obviously, this is fantastic news for the Lufbra Echo as it was us that first brought the world’s attention to Athleticos via our side panel advert. We are delighted for Athleticos, but are particularly delighted for ourselves. Well done us!

MATT BOWSER: EUROPEAN CROSS COUNTRY CHAMPION 2006?

“As with many athletes of Matt’s age,” chortled the BBC Lincolnshire website in 2007, “it’s the Beijing Olympics that are at the forefront of his mind rather than London in 2012”. Listing Bowser as one of “Lincolnshire's stars of 2012”, the article’s scribe - Tom Brown - cooed over the Lincolnshire man's "new personal best set earlier in 2007". Brown's story also contained a revelation that will come as news to many in the athletics world: “Previous achievements in his career also include winning the Men’s Senior Race at the European Cross Country Championships in 2006”. Really? Surely this couldn’t be the same European Championships that the BBC’s very own website hailed an impressive Mo Farah as he “blazed his way to victory” in the very same race? Could it? Oddly, the European Athletics Association have no recollection of a Matthew Bowser representing Great Britain at any age group category that year. By pure coincidence, a certain Bowser was busy recording a personal record for 10km at the Leeds Abbey Dash on November 26th- the very same weekend of the Team GB trial race in Liverpool. There is no record of him competing again that season. Happily, the European success is listed as Bowser’s “Greatest Achievement to Date” and his coach of the time rated his chances of making it to 2012 as “good”. Great work, Matt. Next stop that illusive world record!

RUNNING ‘GOOD FOR YOU’ SHOCK

A study emerging from the University of North Dunstable has left the running community reeling this lunchtime as it has been revealed that running has “some positive health impacts.” The study, led by the same academic who revealed sprinters to be unintelligent earlier in the year, concludes that running could lead to “healthy weight loss, increases in fitness and all round good living.” The results- which were supposed to stay under wraps until later this year- have left many runners “absolutely stunned.” Said one member of Epsom Oddballs Running Club: “I can’t believe that running might be good for your health. This is a massive development and will make me think twice about my jog later.” It is thought that the same research is set to highlight that smoking “might be bad for you” and that eating too many cakes “may lead to weight gain.” Speaking at an event in Liverpool, Prime Minister David Cameron paid tribute to the work of the University of North Dunstable, stating that “[the researchers] were producing vital revelations on a regular basis.” Professor W.A. Ster, whose recent research showed that Afghanistan was "jolly dangerous", is now set to launch his new study into whether it is possible to run the qualifying standard for the European Championships "just because you said you would".

NEWS ROUND-UP

MATTHEWS IN LONDON SNUB

Pete Matthews’ office has announced that the disgraced AAAs fraudster will not compete at the London Grand Prix owing to British tax laws. The former GB International (Mountain Running) was rumoured to be “on a list somewhere” that may or may not of indicated that he would possibly be given an invite to the event if all the airports in the UK were closed and there was a food poisoning outbreak. However, Matthews has effectively ruled out racing in the UK until the Olympics in 2012 with his official spokesman urging the Government to rethink “draconian” tax laws. “Mr. Matthews naturally wants to compete in front of his adoring home fans, but is being prevented from doing so as the Government will demand 50% of his travel expenses,” said the source. The spokesman would not comment on whether his charge would turn up anyway just to collect his accreditation. Matthews’ hopes of qualifying for the European U23 Mountain Running Championships event also look to be in doubt after this announcement. A spokesman for the team denied accusations that they would include “anyone who could be bothered to turn up” and said that it was likely Matthews would have to do the trial race. “This is not a no-hoper sport like Golf,” said the unpaid official, “we have standards here and they include more than just being alive, British and under the age of 23.”

ATHLETICS WEEKLY CONTAINS NON-ADVERTORIAL ARTICLE SHOCK

Athletics Weekly may have to apologise this week to its outraged readership as one of their articles “was not an advert”. Furious regulars have seemingly become used to the tenuous and crass links to vaguely running related products and this week’s coverage of the Diamond League contained nothing of the sort. Happily, this week’s issue does contain an article talking up the benefits of a mattress that improves performance. Under the somewhat obvious headline “Recover While You Sleep”, the author extols the virtues of a good night’s sleep on the “high specification foam” that has supposedly been endorsed by the National Institute for Clinical Excellence (NICE). Indeed it has- but not for sporting performance. NICE Guideline 29 encourages “patients with a Grade 3-4 [pressure ulcer]” to “have a high specification foam mattress”. So athletes suffering from “extensive destruction, tissue necrosis, or damage to muscle, bone or supporting structures with or without full thickness skin loss” should get out and order one of these mattresses right now!

CHRISTINE OHURUOGU: A CLARIFICATION

In a recent edition of the Lufbra Echo, we suggested that Miss Ohuruogu was about to be prosecuted by the council for “fail[ing] to put her recycling out for the third week running.” We of course accept that this was not the case and are happy to hear that Miss Ohuruogu is absolutely fastidious when sorting her litter. Indeed, if she had been as careful with informing drug testers of her whereabouts as she is with ensuring that her recycling is out on time, it probably would have saved us all a lot of trouble. Nonetheless, we are happy to set the record straight and wish Miss Ohuruogu every success in not running well until the European Championships, winning a medal and then having a strop because people doubted her.

Stop Press: Miss Ohuruogu’s spokesman has never been to Jamaica either.

ONE ATHLETE RUNS QUICKER THAN ANOTHER ATHLETE SHOCK

An athlete who was not expected to perform very well at the England Championships has won a medal, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The result has taken many in the running community aback and it is hoped that “natural order” will be restored quickly. Said one observer: “that athlete is rubbish. How did he run faster than another athlete who is clearly better than him? This is very odd.” England Athletics have promised an “immediate investigation” into the incident and have not ruled out re-running the race. “Obviously it’s worrying,” said a perplexed insider, “we can’t understand what went wrong. Maybe he [the athlete who performed well] ran less than everyone else- we need to get to the bottom of this.”

OHURUOGU IN LITTER BLUNDER

Christine Ohuruogu is to be prosecuted by her local council after she failed to put her recycling out for the third week running. The Olympic 400m Champion now faces a fine of up to £1,000 or 3 months imprisonment. “We operate a strict three strikes and out policy,” said a spokesman for Newham Borough Council, “Miss Ohuruogu has repeatedly failed to comply with our rubbish regulations and must now face the consequences.” The council source went on to explain that Ohuruogu had been issued with a “final written warning in the strongest words possible” just a week before her last offence. “The fact is that the individual has to be responsible for it is in the individual’s recycling bin,” the official continued, “we cannot verify this if Miss Ohuruogu does not make her bins available to be checked.”

Despite the criticism, the ditsy former World Champion was unrepentant when asked about the gaffe at a recent press conference. Slamming the council as “absolutely inflexible” she claimed that she had been diverted by a child’s birthday party and was thus forced to put her recycling in with a neighbour’s. “I have come through countless recycling checks whilst this has been going on,” thundered the clearly vexed Ohuruogu, “I think that I have enough on my plate contemplating whether or not to compete at the Commonwealth Games to be worrying about such nonsense.” A spokesman for Ohuruogu said that his charge would “vehemently defend” any action brought against her by the council. “It was a legitimate mix up,” stated the source shortly after stepping off a plane from Jamaica, “we understand the council have to check to make sure that all Christine’s recycling is in order, but they must also realise that she is a busy person.”

NEWS UPDATE

TEENAGE KICKS: Gerrard hopes to transfer his "passion" for working with youngsters to athletics

GERRARD EYES COACHING ROLE

Steven Gerrard is “actively considering” taking up a job within UKA after he retires from football, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The multi-millionaire Liverpudlian- who captained England during their recent failure at the World Cup- has said that he wants to “give something back” to the country once his footballing days end. “I enjoy working with kids,” Gerrard said from his hide-out in Mexico, “I think that football is being tarnished somewhat and I watch athletics on the television a fair bit. I think I could add a lot of value.” Gerrard has often been praised for his “enormous heart and lungs” when on and off the football pitch and UKA officials are secretly hoping he can turn that fitness and fighting (in a purely self-defensive way) spirit to “transforming British distance running”. However, an insider revealed that it was unlikely Gerrard would be let loose on the senior ranks for a while. “It’s a tricky business and it will take time,” said the source, “Steven has a particularly positive impact on the ladies and so we are thinking of assigning him to the Junior Girls. I doubt he can do much harm there and can move on to the grown-ups when he is ready.”

MISERABLE McLEOD FORCED TO RUE MISSED SOLIHULL OPPORTUNITY

Ryan McLeod has conceded that he made a “catastrophic error” in opting for a race in Belgium over the BMC Solihull Grand Prix. The Tipton Harrier was left red faced when he was only able to chalk up his third fastest 5000m performance at the Belgium meeting, whilst the Solihull event was won by landscape gardener, Mark Draper. Disappointed Eightlaners were upset at missing a potential showdown between the pair: “this is the guy who bleats at not being given paid trips [14:01] his dad [Olympic Silver Medallist, Mike McLeod] would have been embarressed [sic] to be offered anythig [sic] for that,” thundered ‘shouldhebepaid’ in reference to the fact that McLeod had to pay for his journey. A spokesman for the McLeod camp said that his charge was “saddened” to hear that the Eightlane community were getting exercised again. “Obviously, Ryan would rather have been involved in a race where two people broke 14:20 as opposed to one where ten ran under 13:50, but these things happen,” said the source, adding that he was “deeply sorry” to anyone who had taken exception to his race choices.

ASTON TO BLAME: WHITTLE

Ed Aston has been blamed for Rob Whittle's calamitous closing 150m in the ‘B’ race of the 1500m at Solihull on Saturday evening. The Loughborough star slammed Aston for running “an inspirational race” just moments before his own. “I watched that and as a result went out too hard,” sighed Whittle after the race, “it’s all his [Aston’s] fault. I hope he is happy now.” Aston was imperious in front running the majority of his race and being rewarded with a 1:47.96 PB. A Loughborough spokesman has confirmed that they will be asking the BMC to caution the Cambridge & Coleridge star against running so well again. “It just isn’t on to expect other athletes to watch superb performances like that and then go out and run sensibly,” said the official, “frankly we think it’s a little selfish.”

POLICE IN BOWSER FOUL UP

Police have thanked readers of the Lufbra Echo for their help in trying to locate the missing athlete Matt Bowser, but have been forced to concede that they bungled a move to intercept him on Sunday evening. “Mr. Bowser arrived back at Stansted airport after a race oversees,” said Dt. Supt. Lukatme who is leading the investigation, “somehow he gave us the slip. We are still looking for him and once again worn against approaching this man.” In an ironic twist, it seems likely that Bowser escaped the police by using the Garmin that UKA are trying to locate. UKA officials have spoken of Charles Van Commenee’s “sleepless nights” over the missing gadget and reiterated an appeal for its safe return. “Please, Matt have the heart to bring the Garmin home,” said the press secretary, “it’s never too late”.

‘ALLERGY TO HARD WORK’ SPELLS END FOR PROMISING YOUNGSTER

An “adverse reaction” to hard training has forced a young athlete to retire, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The young star had had ambitions to make it “at a top level” in athletics, but complained of fatigue whenever his coach forced him to do some training. The unnamed Loughborough-based runner had been hailed by many as “the next big thing” in the sport, but it was yesterday confirmed by Loughborough insiders that this season would be his last. “He will see the remainder of this campaign out”, said the source, “but after that will be moving on from running. It is a real shame. We all had high hopes for him.”

Sources close to the Loughborough set up have told of a man “cut down in his prime”. “It is such a cruel old world,” sighed a senior aide to the coaching team, “I look at this wonderfully talented young man and have to wonder what might have been. Now we’ll never know.” It is rumoured that Loughborough medics spent an “extortionate amount of time and money” on trying to get to the bottom of the issues. “Test after test showed nothing,” said a medical insider, “we tested him for anaemia, hayfever, wind intolerance, adversity to bright vests- the lot. We even tested the water to make sure that it was at the right pH level”. It only became clear to doctors what the issue was when a new blood test was developed by a team in America to determine whether an athlete could tolerate “training of any real description”. “Common complaints include not feeling at your best in runs,” continued the medic, “and feeling generally tired. Many sufferers also complain of thinking they are better than they really are. Another more technical name for it might be laziness. ” It has not yet been confirmed, but it is thought many British athletes could well be afflicted with the same condition. “It is crucial that we get a safe and legal treatment for this menace as soon as is possible,” concluded our medical source.

JONATHAN EDWARDS CONFIRMED AS A TWERP

The BBC have announced that a panel of independent medics have found Jonathan Edwards to be “something of a twerp”. The results- which had been widely expected in the broadcasting community- have been hailed as a “relief” by many inside the BBC. “All this really does is reaffirm what we all expected,” said a spokesman, “ever since he wore that earring at the Great North Run last year, we all knew that he was a bit of a fool.” Many in the athletics world have criticised the time it has taken for the results to be published, with some describing the “unbelievable torment” for Edwards and his family. “Can you imagine it?” asked Mr. Edwards’ official spokesperson, “for months we have all wondered- what is he?” The World Triple Jump record holder has not commented on the results, but it now seems unlikely that Edwards will be allowed to work for the BBC again. The Beeb courted much criticism for allowing Edwards to continue to anchor and commentate for them whilst this dispute was on going. A BBC Trust insider revealed how the department “agonised” over whether to permit Edwards’ coverage of the European Trials, but said they were left with no choice owing to the clash with Wimbledon and the World Cup. “Let’s face it,” said the source, “no one watched it.”

People who have known the BBC star for a long time have said that they “always had an inkling” that all was not well. “When he was growing up,” said a family friend, “I used to say to my husband- ‘that lad could be a twerp one day’. Of course we didn’t say anything at the time, but now it makes sense.” Those who competed with him also revealed their suspicions. “He was always odd,” said Dame Kelly Holmes DBE MBE (Mil.), “so no it isn’t a big shock. I think you could see it in the way he jumped- what a twerp!” Paula Radcliffe MBE (Nike) offered Edwards some support, “he is who he is and I think this judgemental world has to accept him for it. I for one will be telephoning him just as soon as my new contract is ironed out”.

It is unclear what the former Olympic Champion will do next, but it seems very unlikely he will be asked to present Songs of Praise again. Edwards, who once refused to compete on Sundays owing to his devout Christian faith, denounced Christianity in 2007 stating: “when you think about it rationally, it does seem incredibly improbable that there is a God.” BBC Chiefs were left seething after he “officially rejected” his life-long conviction later that year, as they had hoped to make him the new poster boy for the Sunday night faith show. “It was the first time that someone in the office said that he may be a twerp,” said an insider, “the investigations all sprang from there.”

POLICE IN FRESH BOWSER APPEAL

ON THE RUN: Police have warned the public not to approach Mr. Bowser

Police hunting UKA’s most wanted athlete, Matt Bowser have issued a fresh appeal for help this evening. It is believed that the Lincoln man has disappeared with a “cherished” Garmin and owes “at least one” athlete some money. The 3:43 1500m man- who was linked to a drugs scandal earlier this year- has been missing for “a few days” and although stopping short of offering a reward for his capture, police have said they “would really appreciate” some information on his whereabouts. “Mr. Bowser is not to be approached under any circumstances,” said Dt. Supt. Lukatme, “he could be carrying anything from a spike key to some recovery shake and could cause serious harm. If any member of the public sees him, they should report it to a Police Officer immediately.”

Specially trained administrators have been drafted in from UKA’s offices in the quest for the missing Garmin. At their own press conference today, a UKA spokesman called on the Lincoln man to safely return the gadget. “I want to say this to Mr. Bowser,” said Ian Stewart’s press secretary, “it’s not too late. All we want is the Garmin back where it belongs safe and sound. We can deal with the other problems later. Matt, from the bottom of our UKA pockets, we ask you to just bring the Garmin home.” It is hoped that the emotive appeal- along with three days of expensive press advertising- will prise Bowser from wherever he is hiding. However, many believe that Bowser is unlikely to be seen again. “He’s done a runner,” opined a taxi driver close to where the star athlete grew up, “he used to run off without paying for taxi rides when he was a lad…..still owes me £4.50 from 1997”.

Do you know where Matt Bowser is hiding? Can you help us find him? If you know anything, however minor or insignificant you think it is, please contact the Echo to help us catch the wretch (and in doing so seek a load of good publicity and get “in there” with UKA!) The Echo is offering a free Parker pen to the first person to provide useful information, so get hunting!

OCTOPUS PREDICTS MATTHEWS FLOP

Disgraced AAAs fraudster, Pete Matthews, has said that he is “deeply troubled” by the recent activities of a psychic octopus. The creature has successfully predicted the outcome of each of Germany’s World Cup 2010 matches, becoming so reliable that Sky News felt the need to “cross live” to it on Monday afternoon. Yesterday it was given a straight choice between the remainder of Matthews’ career being a “glorious success” or “dismal failure”. Without hesitation, the octopus chose the latter option. “Well obviously he is worried,” said a Matthews spokesman, “the octopus always seems to be right, but Pete is confident ahead of Solihull [BMC Meeting this weekend]”. The octopus makes its decision by attaching itself to one of two boxes each representing a different outcome. The choice yesterday was between a picture of the former GB International (Mountain Running) smiling in GB stash and one of him in a compromised position on a night out with pals. The octopus became so attached to the “bad outcome” box that researchers had to use specialist equipment to prise it off.

This news comes at the end of a difficult week for the Blackburn man who was warned by police over his “out of hand” behaviour on Friday evening. Matthews has also received a letter from England Athletics demanding that he return his credentials from the recent AAAs U20/U23 Championships. Matthews not only cheated his way onto the start list, but still collected and kept his accreditation despite being forced to withdraw from the race through injury. Furious Loughborough insiders have told of how the 4:00.18 1500m man has been flaunting the ‘ATHLETE’ pass on his GB rucksack. “Pete Matthews is the ugliest creature I have ever seen,” said one source, “for him to even call himself an athlete is an insult to hardworking lads like myself.”

NEWS IN BRIEF

WOMEN’S STEEPLE FACES HATCHET

The women’s 3,000m steeplechase will not be included in the programme for the 2012 Olympic Games, because Sebastian Coe “doesn’t much like” Hatti Dean. The former World 800m Record holder has been under pressure from the cost-cutting Coalition Government to somehow reduce the £9 billion budget currently set for the Games. In an extraordinary press conference, the Chairman of LOCOG attacked the steeplechase, branding it a “waste of space” and also reserved firm words for the “nasty and manipulative” Dean. “I hate her,” said Coe, “I hate the way she looks, I hate the way she runs and I hate the way she hurdles. If I had my way, I would just introduce a blanket ban on Deans being allowed to compete.” Coe is said to be upset because he "doesn't like hats". "What a stupid name!" thundered Coe, "I hate people who go around wearing hats- particularly in races, like that **** Dave Wottle".

McLEOD SNUB ANGERS UNIONS

Trade Unions have called for athletes and spectators to boycott the Super 8 series on Wednesday owing to the exclusion of Ryan McLeod. Unison, Unite, GMB and BECTU all balloted their members after the start lists were published and the results confirmed that 98.7% of members voted in favour of action. One Glasgow Council insider said: “our members work incredibly hard for their cash and demand the right to see McLeod lead a race only to be out-kicked in the closing stages. We couldn’t all make it down to Sport City and some idiot edited out the good bits on the video.” McLeod insiders have denied rumours that their man was offered a race but had to turn it down as he “did not know where Glasgow was”. One source said: “we can’t understand why he has been left out. He could run for just about anyone, but they all said no. It’s like someone has a grudge against him.” UKA have refused to comment on the strikes, but did say that they “regretted” having to overlook the Tipton man. A spokesman said: “we just didn’t have a need for any pacemakers on this occasion.”

GAY ‘BANNED FROM WINNING’ IN OREGON

The only non-Nike sponsored athlete to be permitted a race in the Pre Classic Diamond League meeting, Tyson Gay, has told the Lufbra Echo that he was told “not to win” just minutes before his race. “Some guy came up to be beforehand,” said Gay, “and said that he would ruin by career if I didn’t let Dix win”. It was also alleged that Gay was given “sticky blocks” meaning that he was delayed slightly at the start. A Nike spokesman was unrepentant when challenged on the issue: “how embarrassing would it be if an Adidas athlete won a race?” said the source, “that’s like saying that you don’t need to wear Nike kit to be the best. Also, Tyson has an unfortunate surname and we couldn’t have a Dix finishing behind a Gay- we have family values, you know!”

THE ECHO REVIEWS.....

The Echo gives its verdict on recent coverage of athletics...

BBC DIAMOND LEAGUE COVERAGE

(BBC Interactive, 3rd July 2010: 9pm)

And so now we know. For the first half of the season, viewers of the Beeb’s shiny new Diamond League offerings have been wondering ‘where’s Crammy?’ Well on this showing, it is obvious. The BBC have invested a wad of cash in the services of Tim Hutchings (formerly of Eurosport fame) and the two simply can’t stand each other. The former World Record holder has bossed the BBC microphone for the past few years (with cameos from Brendan Foster et al.) and clearly objects to the arrival of the worldly-wise Hutchins. Hence the pair have been kept apart all season- Hutchings supporting the excitable Stuart Storey on the circuit, whilst Cram and his band of merry men have taken care of domestic affairs. With the Diamond League circus rolling into Gateshead this month, some BBC executive probably thought it would be a good idea to see whether the two could work together. Thus Cram was dispatched to Oregon and the results were very entertaining.

The first problem producers were faced with was the fact that the pictures (sent by NBC) spent a disproportionate amount of time on the Shot Put and Long Jump- probably not events that two distance runners could add much value to. And so viewers were treated to fascinating insights from their commentators such as: “that’s huge” and “what a jump” or “that certainly won’t trouble the leader”. Added to this, it was clear that Hutchings and Cram were trying to out-do each other and so when Cram breathlessly hailed Saldino’s “massive leap”, Hutchings gleefully snapped back: “shame it was a red flag”.

The second issue was that the American pictures had three minute breaks in them every fifteen minutes in order to service the commercial market. Therefore, the two commentators were forced to pretend to like each other whilst having absolutely nothing to talk about. This led to a series of tall tales, with one repeatedly trying to out-know the other. “I sat next to him [David Oliver] on a bus yesterday,” Cram helpfully enthused, “and he was obviously relaxed.” Indeed, Cram had seemingly been sitting next to a lot of athletes on busses recently, as every comment was preceded by “he/she was telling me that…” or “yes [agreement with a remark from Hutchins], when I was speaking to him/her…” Not to be out-done, Hutchings too had some close relationships with those competing, professing that “athletes [in the 5,000m] do not always agree with the pace set down by their managers”.

After a debate lasting for over a mile of the 5,000m about how to pronounce Bekele’s name, the meeting culminated in some ludicrous exchanges in the Bowerman Mile. Any formatting had been thrown out of the window by this stage and it was a straight scrap between the two former athletes for air time. Cram got the ball rolling with: “I was speaking to him [Bernard Lagat] and he was telling me that he won’t be doing any more 5,000s this season”. Hutchings, smarting from this personal slant, had to wait nearly 400 metres to issue a riposte: “He [Andrew Wheating] was telling me about his extraordinary journey here,” the ex-World Cross Silver medallist proudly exclaimed, “he slept on a bench at an airport in Portland just two nights ago.” As Kiprop kicked away from the field to clock an impressive 3:49.75, Hutchings went on a 90 second eulogy to the Kenyan- leaving Cram with no option but to “agree” with his colleague and point out that he had “been a fan of him for some time”. In desperation to be the most knowledgeable, Cram concluded with an absurd observation that “he [Kiprop] does have extendable legs…that helps.” Hutchings could not contain his laughter and presumably nor could the majority of the watching audience.

NEWS ROUND-UP.......

The Echo rounds up everything you need to know....

LAUNDRY GAFFE LEAVES WELL KNOWN SPORTS BRAND FUMING

A “washing mix up” from one of the foremost distance runners in the country has left his sponsors “absolutely disappointed”, the Lufbra Echo can reveal. The athlete, who is based in the North West of England, was photographed last week running away from a swan and clearly wearing another company’s kit. Whilst the names of both the athlete in question and the companies involved cannot be revealed, we can confirm that the individual “does not wish” to terminate his contract. A well-placed source told the Echo that the error was owing to “reds being washed with whites”. “[Unnamed athlete] is very well known in [the area in which he lives] and as such did not want to be seen training in pink kit….the locals around here can be quite mean”. The sports brand is said to be “one of the top three” in the world and is thought to be “considering its options”. An insider at the brand said: “I can tell you that this has gone to the very highest level. The top man has been recalled from his holiday to discuss it and nothing is being ruled out at this stage.”

NEWHAM IN ARAB TALKS

Newham and Essex Beagles look set to be taken over by a syndicate of wealthy Dubai-based businessman, the Lufbra Echo understands. It is believed that the group are buying the club as there “are no football clubs left” and have promised “European Domination” within the next three years. It is understood that George Gandy and Ian Stewart have already been approached to head up the venture and other “top stars” are said to be involved. Newham have had some well catalogued financial troubles since they paid “several pounds” to secure the services of Alasdair Donaldson. An insider told of the “eye watering” salaries that athletes receive. “[Robbie] Schofield gets paid five pounds per race,” said the anonymous source, “and I know that Frank Baddick has been looking for a pay rise. You can’t sustain a business like that.” Newham’s woes were added to when they released their “disappointing” kit for the new season. One retail analyst said that consumers “just were not interested” in the bright yellow designs. Some have indicated that the kit will be the first thing changed by the new owners as well as “hugely exciting” potential bids for the likes of Kenenisa Bekele and Pete Matthews. Matthews' club have since issued a "come and get him" call to the London club.

ARMSTRONG ONCE TOOK “SOME IBUPROFEN”: LANDIS

With the Tour de France getting underway today, it is traditional for previously disgraced riders to publish some accusations about former team mates. This year was no different, but Floyd Landis’ sensational revelation has left many in the sport reeling. “I clearly saw Lance take several ibuprofen tablets during training,” frothed Landis in this morning’s Wall Street Journal, “he claimed to have a headache, but we all know that he just wanted to stop some inflammation….it made be so physically sick that I went and took a load of testosterone to get over it.” The story will come as a relief to Tour officials as there were rumours that this year’s Tour was set to be “scandal free” after the Echo blew the lid on a negative test at the Giro D’Italia in May. An insider said: “thank goodness for Floyd! We didn’t need much more from him after he so generously lit up the 2006 Tour by taking more testosterone than all of the world’s top sprinters put together.” Other sources have indicated that Tour chiefs will be writing to Landis in order to thank him for the interviews along with a request that he test positive again at next year’s Tour. “I do love a good life ban,” said one interested observer.

EBAY SCAM LEAVES LOUGHBOROUGH STAR OUT OF POCKET

One of the “lesser athletes” at Loughborough University has been the victim of an eBay scam. The athlete in question was said to be trying to replace his faulty iPhone with an “absolute bargain” from the popular bidding website. A source close to the long-distance man said that he “could not understand” what went wrong. “It seemed completely legitimate,” said the insider, “all he had to do was leave £330 in used notes underneath a stolen car in Leicester and the phone was then going to be sent out to a derelict house just outside Nottingham.” It is thought that the star did not realise that he had been conned until he received a mug through the post. “He’s really cross,” our source went on, “we all agreed that it seemed perfectly normal.” The athlete in question is undergoing counselling for the loss of his iPhone and is being forced to use a “normal phone like normal people.” It is hoped, however, that Ryan McLeod- currently using the iPhone 9th Generation (not yet released)- will let him look at one of the older phones from time to time.