Sprinters are not as intelligent as long distance runners, a shocking report is set to reveal. The article, which the Lufbra Echo has had an exclusive preview of, will be published in the Journal of Useless Research later this month. The authors of the report have spoken to "many" sprinters and distance runners in order to make this ground-breaking conclusion. Professor W.A Ster who was the lead author of the report said, "we set out to prove that intelligence was about the same....but we were stunned with what we found, sprinters really aren't very bright at all".
The findings will come as little surprise to those who work with fast twitch athletes day in day out. One source, who does not wish to be named, said "you just have to look at the way they bounce around on the start line before they get their a*** kicked by Usain Bolt- bunch of idiots." However, some are said to be really quite hurt by the report. British starlet, James Dasaolu pledged to "hunt down" the author of the report and then presumably kick his water bottle over. "It's out of order" thundered Dasaolou, "how can anyone say that we [as a collective body] are thick? Have they even met Dwain Chambers?" Dasaolu was speaking just days after he miscounted the change at a parking metre and then threatened to steal a traffic warden's hat and pour his recovery shake all over it.
Professor W.A Ster was keen to point out that his findings do not exonerate distance runners. "Absolutely not," said the University of North Dunstable academic, "I spent time with some really quite stupid endurance athletes as well....Mick Woods at St. Mary's was kind enough to accommodate me for several days." When asked what the point of his research was Ster said, "I just think that the public should be prepared for when they have to sit through that tortuous post-race interview with Phil Jones....they shouldn't judge- it's not their fault." He also said that his findings did not extend to hurdlers or field eventers- "regrettably we ran out of money". The learned professor would also not be drawn on how 400m runners fit into the general picture. "Of course you have got the likes of Jeremy Wariner in the world, but there are some really quite intelligent quarter milers as well....we mainly draw a distinction between 100/200m runners and those over 800m"
Ster is now set to begin his next piece of insightful research into actually how bright Phil Jones is.