Barrack Obama has launched an extraordinary attack on American Track and Field website Flotrack this lunchtime. The Commander-in-Chief lambasted the site’s head honchos for “letting their guard slip” and “unquestionably losing their place at the top table of Track and Field related websites.” The President spoke of an “unqualified tragedy” but heaped praise on the new British version of the site. “Athleticos is everything that Flotrack wants to be and more,” said Mr. Obama, “it encapsulates all that is great about our special friends in Great Britain. Athleticos is a truly great site for a truly great nation.” Flotrack insiders have revealed how website chiefs have been left seething by the snub: “it’s been very tense around here [at Flotrack HQ] the past few days,” said a site technician, “we knew that the President was going to say something about us, but had no idea that it would be so harsh.” Obama has refused to retract the comments or apologise for the upset that they have caused. His press secretary said that the President was "ashamed" of Flotrack's fall from grace. "He looks back to the glory days of a couple of years ago and wishes it could be the same," said the communications chief, "it is a sad day for American sport generally."
Obama was speaking to the Wall Street Journal just days after he refused an interview with Flotrack and whilst many will argue that the Democrat is just carrying out a politically motivated vendetta (Flotrack’s founder is a prominent Republican), few can argue that this is another fantastic coup for the British Athleticos. From humble beginnings in a Loughborough shed, the site has proved in recent weeks that it is ready to take on the world by securing exclusives with the likes of Chris Thompson and Lisa Dobriskey. “To be honest,” said a website source, “we don’t have to go looking for the interviews anymore. We find that the athletes’ agents all want to get on our site. It’s going great”. Athleticos has had a presence at every major European meeting this summer and has been rumoured to of snubbed approaches from the likes of Steve Cram and Brendan Foster. Our source went on: “we are presenting something new and fresh. Whilst it is nice that they want to work for us, I only think that it would alienate our core demographic.” There is no question that the site has been an unqualified success and the company's shares on the FTSE 100 rose to record highs just minutes after Obama’s interview was published.
Alas, the same cannot be said for the American counterpart, which was branded “tired” by American Marathoner Ryan Hall just last week. Viewing figures have reached an all-time low and it is rumoured that the site is in desperate talks with Athleticos in a bid to form some kind of alliance. “It is the only way Flotrack can survive” said a Wall Street analyst, “their stocks have taken such a beating in recent weeks, it is hard to see them being afloat without this merger past Christmas.” In an Emergency meeting of the site’s board last week, the Chief Executive was stripped of his $250,000 bonus and told that if things did not improve he could be out of a job by October. “Job losses seem inevitable,” said the site’s Human Resources Director, “the trick will be to do it sensitively. We have to realise that there are other players out there now and if we can’t beat them, we might just have to join them.”
Obviously, this is fantastic news for the Lufbra Echo as it was us that first brought the world’s attention to Athleticos via our side panel advert. We are delighted for Athleticos, but are particularly delighted for ourselves. Well done us!