Eightlaners are amongst the least intelligent in society according to a recent survey. The research team carried out in depth psychometric testing on a random sample of anonymous posters on the popular running forum and found that, on average, posters exhibited a “worryingly poor aptitude for basic functions such as spelling, grammar, punctuation and numeracy.” Common problems included the pluralisation of words via the use of an apostrophe and repeated misunderstandings surrounding the correct usage of the words ‘their’, ‘there’ and ‘they’re’. A research insider revealed that they average IQ of many posters was “double digit at best”. “We’re dealing with the lowest society has to offer here,” continued the source, “it’s shocking stuff”.
The authors of the report- due to be published in the Lancet later this month- concluded that this limited capacity to do anything well was the fundamental reason why posters were “so utterly negative, bitter and twisted in their approach to running and life generally." Other studies have found similar findings in the American site, Letsrun.com. "Our colleagues in Harvard found posters on Letsrun to be slightly more intelligent," said one author, "however, running ability was even worse than exhibited on Eightlane. Average age was also higher and therefore posts tended to be nastier and more personal." Despite this, the research team did note an "alarming shift" towards Eightlane being a site for personal attacks. "Talk of spare tires springs to mind," said one psychologist, "Eightlane gets more and more despicable by the day."
Search This Blog
Showing posts with label Letsrun. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Letsrun. Show all posts
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Saturday, 24 July 2010
BMC CRITICISED FOR ORGANISING RACE
The British Milers Club will today apologise for organising a 3,000m before running it past the Eightlane community first. The event- slated for next Wednesday- looks set to feature Australian superstar Craig Mottram but has been greeted with a chorus of disapproval from outraged Eightlaners. “How come the 3k is now at 8pm?” grumbled ‘Rather you than me’, “it’s not listed on the BMC website and the 3000 normally goes off at 10pm or later.” Meanwhile, after Eightlane favourite Ryan McLeod confirmed his intention to race, ‘Dirty Craig fact’ amused himself with the irresistible: “So it could be the drug cheat v Mc Cock [sic]”. All richly comic and, undeterred by this small libel, ‘its a BMC mcleod [sic]’ lambasted the “terrible attitude” of the Tipton man. “[Y]ou should be sharing the pace with Mottram” howled the anonymous poster, “as it’s a BMC and the only point of these races is to run quick!” Some jokes just never get old, do they?
Elsewhere and away from the outcry at the rearranged start time, Chris Carter came in for some criticism for planning on running a 1500m. “Is chris carter the joker who runs in full adidas kit and most of the time runs outside 4minutes? [sic]” asked ‘another day hey’. And he/she/it is right. How dare an athlete wear matching kit to a race! That is absolutely scandalous. The Echo cannot support such a policy and thus is calling on all athletes to ensure that their kit does not match from now on. And while we’re at it, the BMC simply must stop organising these high quality races. If we aren’t careful, this country’s generation of wasters will be running out of excuses to spout on Eightlane and Letsrun. David Cameron: are you listening?
Elsewhere and away from the outcry at the rearranged start time, Chris Carter came in for some criticism for planning on running a 1500m. “Is chris carter the joker who runs in full adidas kit and most of the time runs outside 4minutes? [sic]” asked ‘another day hey’. And he/she/it is right. How dare an athlete wear matching kit to a race! That is absolutely scandalous. The Echo cannot support such a policy and thus is calling on all athletes to ensure that their kit does not match from now on. And while we’re at it, the BMC simply must stop organising these high quality races. If we aren’t careful, this country’s generation of wasters will be running out of excuses to spout on Eightlane and Letsrun. David Cameron: are you listening?
Thursday, 17 June 2010
NEWS ROUND-UP
SCRATCHING HEAD ‘ADDS 10% T0 PERFORMANCE’: REPORT
A research project seen by the Lufbra Echo has told of how scratching your head in a “rhythmic circular motion” can increase performance in a 5km running trial by as much as 10%. Researchers at the University of North Dunstable have hailed “a great day for performance sport” and UK Athletics are said to be drafting up new guidelines for distribution to performance centres across the country. The paper- which has yet to be published- concludes that endurance athletes should scratch their heads in the hours immediately prior to performance. “We found that three hours before a race or significant workout was the best time,” said Prof. N. O. Sense who headed up the team, “scratching athletes reported feeling less pain, less fatigue and more vigour than a control group.” The scratchers seemingly also performed far better with quicker times being consistently recorded. It was not all good news however, as the technique was shown to have “no significant effect” on sprint performance. “If anything [performance] declined,” said N. O. Sense, “we are unsure why, but think it likely that the sprinters struggled with the complexities of using the circular motion.” Bad news too for all nose pickers out there as a regular practice of picking one’s nose had “only a small effect” on an athlete’s ability to breathe. “That was disappointing,” said N. O. Sense, “but at least we know where to focus our energy now.” The research team dismissed suggestions that doing a little extra mileage could have a positive impact on running performance. “What utter nonsense,” thundered a senior researcher, “we really haven’t got time to entertain such ridiculous ideas.”
WATFORD TRACK ‘NOT SHORT’: UKA
UK Athletics have reacted angrily to suggestions that the Watford track is short by 2 metres. The accusations came on popular running forums Eightlane and Letsrun after several athletes were seen to run faster than they were “capable of”. “Clearly short,” harrumphed one Eightlaner, “uka reely need to sought this out. How cum all these peepel suddenely run pbs? [sic]”. An insider at the Governing Body revealed that an official track measurer had been called in and confirmed that it had been given the all clear. “Ben Green kindly looked it up on Google Earth,” revealed our source, “and on the third time through it came up at exactly the right distance. If anything it’s long.” Meanwhile, the BMC have confirmed that all times from the recent Grand Prix held at the stadium will stand. This news comes despite widespread anger that video evidence suggested that some times (taken by the official time keepers) were clearly wrong. A spokesman said, “we can’t go around changing times on the whim of a few disgruntled slow coaches.” It was added that there were no plans to “just make the times up” at the next Grand Prix.
A research project seen by the Lufbra Echo has told of how scratching your head in a “rhythmic circular motion” can increase performance in a 5km running trial by as much as 10%. Researchers at the University of North Dunstable have hailed “a great day for performance sport” and UK Athletics are said to be drafting up new guidelines for distribution to performance centres across the country. The paper- which has yet to be published- concludes that endurance athletes should scratch their heads in the hours immediately prior to performance. “We found that three hours before a race or significant workout was the best time,” said Prof. N. O. Sense who headed up the team, “scratching athletes reported feeling less pain, less fatigue and more vigour than a control group.” The scratchers seemingly also performed far better with quicker times being consistently recorded. It was not all good news however, as the technique was shown to have “no significant effect” on sprint performance. “If anything [performance] declined,” said N. O. Sense, “we are unsure why, but think it likely that the sprinters struggled with the complexities of using the circular motion.” Bad news too for all nose pickers out there as a regular practice of picking one’s nose had “only a small effect” on an athlete’s ability to breathe. “That was disappointing,” said N. O. Sense, “but at least we know where to focus our energy now.” The research team dismissed suggestions that doing a little extra mileage could have a positive impact on running performance. “What utter nonsense,” thundered a senior researcher, “we really haven’t got time to entertain such ridiculous ideas.”
WATFORD TRACK ‘NOT SHORT’: UKA
UK Athletics have reacted angrily to suggestions that the Watford track is short by 2 metres. The accusations came on popular running forums Eightlane and Letsrun after several athletes were seen to run faster than they were “capable of”. “Clearly short,” harrumphed one Eightlaner, “uka reely need to sought this out. How cum all these peepel suddenely run pbs? [sic]”. An insider at the Governing Body revealed that an official track measurer had been called in and confirmed that it had been given the all clear. “Ben Green kindly looked it up on Google Earth,” revealed our source, “and on the third time through it came up at exactly the right distance. If anything it’s long.” Meanwhile, the BMC have confirmed that all times from the recent Grand Prix held at the stadium will stand. This news comes despite widespread anger that video evidence suggested that some times (taken by the official time keepers) were clearly wrong. A spokesman said, “we can’t go around changing times on the whim of a few disgruntled slow coaches.” It was added that there were no plans to “just make the times up” at the next Grand Prix.
Sunday, 6 June 2010
RUNNERSLIFE IN EIGHTLANE SLUR
“Nonsensical tosh written by idiots, for idiots” was the shocking accusation levelled at popular running forum Eightlane.com this evening. The rant came from the Chief Executive of fierce rival, runnerslife.co.uk, after several months of underhand blows. Runnerslife has accused Eightlane founder, Alan Wales, of employing “dirty tricks” in a bid to lure their athletes away to post training logs onto his sites. Lawyers for Mr. Wales have dismissed the complaints as “nonsense”, but the Welsh-based Runnerslife may well cite the recent departure of Stephen Sharp as evidence- the Belgrave man has been a regular fixture on Eightlane since he quit Runnerslife. It is no secret that Sharp complained to the Runnerslife management on several occasions that he was not receiving adequate protection from “slanderous, baseless filth” appearing as comments on his blog and rival sites. Speaking earlier in the year, Sharp said “it is what drove Mark Draper away and the same is happening to me. We put ourselves out there and get shot down. Where are the lawyers when you need them?” It is thought that Runnerslife are “very nervous” that they could lose Sharp’s coaching charge, Nick Goolab, if they do not act now.
Runnerslife insiders have also revealed that website chiefs are “absolutely fuming” that a potential move for Eightlane regular, Luke Cragg was thwarted. Our source said, “Cragg was ready to join the team, but pulled out at the last moment. We all know it is because Wales threatened him with de-registration.” Wales could be in hot water this week after Runnerslife reported comments made on his site in the recent McLeod-Russell dispute to Ofcom. It is rumoured that McLeod threatened to “up sticks and leave” if his website did not back him in the spat and regulators at Runnerslife are said to be “disappointed” that the thread in question was not frozen. “They wonder why they are losing viewership to Letsrun.com [another rival], well it’s that sort of behaviour that drives them away,” said a Runnerslife executive.
Eightlane took unsuccessful legal action when the “fly on the wall” style rival launched a forum of its own last year. A High Court judge threw out the claims as “everyone is entitled to have a forum- we all look forward to reading what anonymous people think about other anonymous people”. At the time, Runnerslife received a rough-ride on the boards of its rival. “Runnerslife is awful,” thundered ‘Rubbish’, “I read some [training logs] the other day that said something like Thursday – 7 tempo.... WTF?” Whilst ‘Fanofboth’ was keen to remain impartial, others clearly had it in for the plucky Welsh site. “That runnerslife lot fink they are well good [sic]” chortled ‘p*ss off’, “well they shud run well away innit [sic]”.
Runnerslife did, however, find themselves in serious trouble over the axe-gate scandal. Spies on Eightlane circulated rumours that Runnerslife had been shut down leading to the website being inundated with requests for it to stay. It was later proved in court that it had all been a publicity stunt and a “rebranding exercise.” Eightlaners were indignant, “Outrageous,” opined ‘Derek Dogg’, “how can they use Eightlane for such blatant lies?” Runnerslife were ordered to compensate Mr. Wales to the tune of a little over £5,000 for the gaffe. This latest dispute is unlikely to end up in court. However, negation experts ACAS have been placed on standby if a compensatory agreement for the loss of Sharp and Cragg cannot be reached. An ACAS source said that this was “no worse” than the British Airways strikes and that he was confident a solution could be reached. “The lines of communication are open,” said the source, “we just hope that ‘Cod Liver Oil’ and the team play ball”.
Runnerslife insiders have also revealed that website chiefs are “absolutely fuming” that a potential move for Eightlane regular, Luke Cragg was thwarted. Our source said, “Cragg was ready to join the team, but pulled out at the last moment. We all know it is because Wales threatened him with de-registration.” Wales could be in hot water this week after Runnerslife reported comments made on his site in the recent McLeod-Russell dispute to Ofcom. It is rumoured that McLeod threatened to “up sticks and leave” if his website did not back him in the spat and regulators at Runnerslife are said to be “disappointed” that the thread in question was not frozen. “They wonder why they are losing viewership to Letsrun.com [another rival], well it’s that sort of behaviour that drives them away,” said a Runnerslife executive.
Eightlane took unsuccessful legal action when the “fly on the wall” style rival launched a forum of its own last year. A High Court judge threw out the claims as “everyone is entitled to have a forum- we all look forward to reading what anonymous people think about other anonymous people”. At the time, Runnerslife received a rough-ride on the boards of its rival. “Runnerslife is awful,” thundered ‘Rubbish’, “I read some [training logs] the other day that said something like Thursday – 7 tempo.... WTF?” Whilst ‘Fanofboth’ was keen to remain impartial, others clearly had it in for the plucky Welsh site. “That runnerslife lot fink they are well good [sic]” chortled ‘p*ss off’, “well they shud run well away innit [sic]”.
Runnerslife did, however, find themselves in serious trouble over the axe-gate scandal. Spies on Eightlane circulated rumours that Runnerslife had been shut down leading to the website being inundated with requests for it to stay. It was later proved in court that it had all been a publicity stunt and a “rebranding exercise.” Eightlaners were indignant, “Outrageous,” opined ‘Derek Dogg’, “how can they use Eightlane for such blatant lies?” Runnerslife were ordered to compensate Mr. Wales to the tune of a little over £5,000 for the gaffe. This latest dispute is unlikely to end up in court. However, negation experts ACAS have been placed on standby if a compensatory agreement for the loss of Sharp and Cragg cannot be reached. An ACAS source said that this was “no worse” than the British Airways strikes and that he was confident a solution could be reached. “The lines of communication are open,” said the source, “we just hope that ‘Cod Liver Oil’ and the team play ball”.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)