EDMONDS SNUB LEAVES EMERY OUT IN THE COLD

Noel Edmonds has blocked Stephen Emery from appearing on Deal or No Deal, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. It is understood that the Coventry Godiva star applied to be on the Channel 4 show in order to fulfil a "long-held" ambition to beat the banker and become the first male quarter millionaire in the history of the show. However things went array when Edmonds - a life long Rugby and Northampton fan - discovered that the 3:48 man had snubbed his beloved club in favour of a lucrative move to Coventry.

Emery is known to be "borderline obsessed" with the programme and regularly plans training commitments in order to free him up for its tea-time slot. "This is a major blow to Stephen" said a close friend "it has been such a tough few weeks and I know that he was really looking forward to the show. He has quite literally been sent to Coventry". The BUCS Bronze Medallist is said to be "devastated" that his boyhood hero is behind the rejection. The source refused to confirm whether the Noel Edmonds poster that adorned Emery's bedroom wall had been torn down in disgust, but did say that he was "really really upset".

It is not known whether this setback will effect Emery's preparations for the 2011 campaign, but it is now likely that his availability for training on weekday evenings will be a lot more flexible.

DEVONISH LATE NIGHT TV SHAME

Marlon Devonish is today facing a fight for his future after shocking revelations appeared in this morning's Daily Star. The former Olympic (Relay) Gold Medallist has been accused of staying up "into the early hours" watching "smutty shows from Australia" that involve 22 men "playing with bats and balls for days at a time". It is understood that this sick showing appears nightly on Sky and is known in the trade as "The Ashes".

Devonish has remained silent this morning and a spokesman for his club Coventry Godiva said that they were treating the incident "very seriously". "We believe that the show demonstrates rituals known as sledging and hitting each other for six," said the source "whilst I cannot speculate on Marlon's involvement in the viewing of such filth, it goes without saying that the club would be most concerned if that were to be the case."

Devonish - who was 34 this year - had previously said that he hoped to continue his career as long as the London Olympics in 2012, but it seems very likely that meeting organisers will now steer clear. Whilst shocked fans today pledged to "stand by" their man regardless of his alleged wrongdoing, others have been quick to distance themselves from the sprint ace stating that his behaviour has "cheapened the sport".

THE GURU'S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE - 2010

People of Loughborough, UKA and beyond,

I write to you from my Guru retreat far from the constant gaze of media attention and the miserable snow that has ground the British people down. Rest assured that the sun is peaking over the horizon as I sip from my Guru cocktail supplied to me by my Guru aides, all the time watched over by my Guru security team.

2010 has been a difficult year for us all. We have had the horrors of debt at LSAC to deal with, the nightmare of the kit scandal and above all, the hiring of a new tea boy - Alasdair Donaldson (who doesn't have time to read that fantastic Lufbra Echo) . I realise now what a dreadful mistake that was - but you have to understand that he made a very good case for himself when I interviewed him and spoke glowingly about his time at school. Alas, his tea is too weak and his emails require constant correction. The whistle at sessions (rather than my grandly shouts) was the final straw for me and Alasdair and I are set for "crisis talks" if you will, early in the New Year.

Many people have asked me about why I took the executive (and extraordinary) decision to scrap the LSAC Grass Session this year. Indeed, I have a letter right here in front of me from Joanna Lumley (she of Gurkha fame) demanding to know why "the little people" of the grass have been treated "so very badly". Well the truth is that I worked out that getting rid of the grass session was the best possible way of annoying David Howe and so went ahead with it. I must say the results have been very pleasing indeed!

To close off LSAC affairs, I turn my attention to Director Dakin who has continued in his capacity as Director of Coaching. There has been some debate over whether Director Dakin is my superior or not. This is a ridiculous and futile discussion. How can a mere 'coach' outrank a Guru? Just because Director Dakin has a big plush office that is separate from the rest of the team, you all think that he is the number one around here. Nonsense. I chose to be in the open plan area because I am confident in my position. I do not need that status of a personal office to make me feel adequate. It is a great shame that Director Dakin is so petulant about this and we are all getting sick of his hissy fits and door slamming pantomimes. The truth is that he is jealous of my Guru status, but it was not me who failed his Fellowship of the Royal College of Gurus entrance exams now was it? I aced mine years ago and he simply lacks the experience. In all honesty, he shouldn't really be a director at all and we only gave him that to stop his whining all the time. 

On the UK Athletics front, we have seen unprecedented success this year. I have just had the pleasure of spending some time with successful contestants in the "Race to Portugal" competition that was UKA's initiative to select the team for the European Cross Country Championships. It was such a shame that I had to push Andy Vernon and James Wilkinson off the cliff because the disappointed me so. Only joking! That would be a direct breach of the Guru Handbook, Section 22, Paragraph 6: "Never, under any circumstances, intentionally push, throw or in any way encourage an athlete - underachiever or otherwise - to fall from a cliff". 

In all seriousness, it has been quite a year. So good to see that Chirs Thompson and Mo Farah have made up after that pathetic spat over Mo stealing from Chris. It was a real shame that Chris had to bring that up in the middle of a live BBC interview with Godfather Inverdale, but I am afraid that it only demonstrative of 'Thommo's' lack of class. Of course, I have been single handedly responsible for the turn around in Distance Running success this year and so I think we should all collectively (and metaphorically) pat me on the back: WELL DONE MR GURU, SIR! I can't wait to watch the World Championships in Berlin again (Seoul will probably be called off because I am about to declare war on South Korea on behalf of my Northern comrades), but I will be personally ensuring that Alasdair tears up that horrid blue track. 

Here's to yet more success in 2011, and to hoping that I finally get Charles Van Commenee's job that I richly deserve!

Warmest Regards to you all (you certainly need them!)

NJoy!

Guru George Gandy FRCG 

SPORTS AWARD SHOW OR X FACTOR? HARD TO TELL

"It's been an incredible year" said a breathless Sue Barker at the start of the two-hour broadcast marathon that is the BBC's Sports Personality of the Year. Clearly not "incredible" enough for some, as the schedulers daren't go up against ITV's X Factor and as such we find it here - delayed by two weeks and conveniently right before the finale of the Beeb's most successful show The Apprentice. Given the new obsession with sob story over sporting substance (where was Mo Farah on the short-list?) some of the VTs for the individual contenders would have been more at home on Simon Cowell's ratings monopoliser.

And so as we went through the short-list, the viewing public were told about Tom Daley's sick father, AP McCoy's injuries and falls (which can't come as surprise to a jump jockey), Jessica Ennis' "heartbreak" at missing the Olympics (2 years ago) and Mark Cavendish's dreadful crash earlier in the year. David Haye clearly decided that beating people up was never going to win the public's adoration and as such steered clear, citing a bout of flu. Ironic that the Heavyweight Champion of the World can "make hay" of anyone but cannot handle the icy weather.

But in this supposed year of "incredible" sporting achievement, where was surely one of the most incredible achievers of the lot? Mo Farah has this year broken the men's 5,000m British Record and won two European titles. Let us compare that to Phil 'the Power' Taylor who has seemingly just thrown some darts at a wall with a particular degree of accuracy. To suggest that the public decide this award is a fallacy - in reality a room full of sporting journalists and producers sit down and discuss who will make the best telly. Unfortunately for Mo, his passage has been a little bit heartbreak free and getting married means that his private life is far too happy to warrant inclusion.

But that is just the problem with SPOTY now. The real sporting achievements get overlooked owing to a lack of understanding of what the sport is all about or because the athlete focusses more on the sport than on working on their persona. And so in an excruciating exchange between the evergreen Gary Liniker and Mark Cavendish, jug ears seemed more interested in the sprint king's chess credentials than his cycling ones. Of course, that conveniently teed up the Walkers Crisps man to wonder whether Cavendish will get "check mate" tonight. All richly comic.

The same can be said of Amy Williams (you know, the Winter Olympics girl) who whilst others had solid sporting backers, was oddly supported by er, Jeremy Clarkson. Now surely there was a British speaking bob-sleigher out there who could have added some weight to this pathetic link? It did leave the door open for Sue Barker to comment that Jeremy Clarkson is "a difficult man to impress". Wow, able to win Olympic Gold AND impress Jezzer - surely worth a vote.

In the end, it was nice to see AP McCoy recognised for falling off a horse a lot. Good night too for David Beckham (lifetime achievement award) who added a little glitz to the evening - as if it needed any - but left many wondering how he finds time to play football these days. Tom Daley was consoled on missing out on the grown up award by a third victory as the Young Sports Personality of the Year - although how he managed to outbid the double World Junior Champion and seemingly unbeatable Jodie Williams is beyond anyone. It would, perhaps, have been nice to see Daley and Williams engage in a sing off and Cavendish go for a dance off with Jess Ennis. Just as long as it wasn't a 'sport off' - that doesn't seem to matter any more.

ALL CROSS COUNTRY EVENTS CANCELLED: UKA

All Cross Country events for the rest of the season have been cancelled because of the snow. UK Athletics released a brief statement this evening blaming Dwain Chambers for the extraordinary action and advising all race organisers against flouting the regulation. The spokesman did not rule out banning the sport all together "in the interests of everyone" but said that the governing body would "make every effort" to run some semblance of a calender next season. The news comes as the majority of Western European governing bodies take similar action, with USA Track and Field holding a crisis meeting early next week. The World Cross - set to take place in Spain next year - has already been axed.

LORD GURU GANDY SET TO NAME APPRENTICE

The climax of "the job interview from hell" is to be reached this weekend as the Guru reveals the chosen one - and winner of a three figure salary - from the two remaining candidates. Alasdair Donaldson and David Howe have beaten off the competition of thousands and a twelve month selection process in order to go head to head in the final. Donaldson - who does not have the time to read this blog - has five times been in the firing line and has the poorer record of the two. Canadian Howe, meanwhile, only came unstuck in the Craig Mottram task when his athlete was nearly lapped by the Australian.

"Alasdair has shown great passion and tenacity" explained the Guru to a the BBC's One Show, "he has a lot to learn but if he was prepared to listen, I am sure we could do something with him." Donaldson has been a controversial figure from the start and was almost immediately sent packing when he project managed the disastrous Portugal task. On that occasion, he was able to convince the Guru of his "huge potential" and passed the blame on to the "virtually absent" John Nutall who was fired. The Fife man then went on to record some big wins - most notably in the Circuit Session task where he scrapped the conventional method of calling out time every 30 seconds for an automated watch and then again in the Emailing task, where he sent all of the Guru's emails out in the quickest time.

"David is more a safe pair of hands" said the Guru of Howe "he has been round the block a few times, but I am concerned about his maverick tendencies." Howe was lucky to escape in Portugal after his team recorded a narrow victory. However, the Middle Saturday task led to him being heavily criticised by Ian Anholm - one of his Lordship's aides - for spiking the drink of one his athletes in a bid to help him relax. Howe shone in the Winter Session task when he "rolled the dice" in opting to go ahead with a grass session despite explicit instructions to do otherwise. Howe was also praised for a "spark of brilliance" when opting to ignore the fact that one of his athletes had tripped and fallen in a 1500m race. Calling it "a moment of true intuition" the Guru immediately put the Canadian through to the latter stages much to the ire of Bill Foster, with whom Howe has regularly clashed. Foster was fired after the Easy Run task went wrong and some of his athletes were spotted running sub-5 minute miles - something that Foster claims was "David's idea".

The final task sees the two finalists really put through their paces as they both pitch to the Guru their ideas for his 'Office Expansion Project.' The winner will be rewarded with a seat in the corner of the new office and the dream opportunity of making Lord Gandy's tea.

CHRISTMAS 'LIKELY TO BE CANCELLED': SANTA CLAUSE

Lapland have confirmed that they are "seriously considering" cancelling Christmas in the UK, the Lufbra Echo can reveal. It is understood that a "growing concern" over treacherous snow and ice has forced Santa to question whether it is will be possible to make his rounds this year. Last year, the 134 year-old was treated for minor abrasions after losing control of his sleigh at over 1,000,000,000 miles per hour and it is understood that he does not want to take the same "insane risk" again this year. "It is with great regret that we must announce that Christmas could be delayed to the new year" said a red faced elf "we are looking into organising something in June when the weather is more conducive to delivering gifts on a mass scale."

The move has been heavily criticised by many, with some calling for the immediate resignation of Father Christmas. "It is absolutely outrageous" thundered a spokesperson for the Easter Bunny "you'd never get our organisation cancelling a major event because of a bit of snow. We have a responsibility to everyone." Whilst Lapland chiefs desperately try to thrash out some form of "contract agreement" with DHL, others have offered some defence of the organisation. "It is an impossible situation" said the health and safety officer for the Tooth Fairy "we all know that Santa has a very large workload and these conditions are unprecedented. I don't think any of us would want a tragic accident."

This is not the first time Santa has hit controversy. In 2006, he was cleared by the Court of Appeal of driving whilst under the influence of alcohol after his legal team argued that reindeer do not count as motorised vehicles. And back in 2004 he nearly caused a major incident at Heathrow Airport after forgetting to get Air Traffic Control clearance before making deliveries in Hounslow.

EMERY 'FED UP' WITH LOUGHBOROUGH REGIME

Stephen Emery could be on the brink of a shock move to Birmingham after telling his advisers not to enter into discussions about the renewal of his contract at Loughborough. The 3:48 1500m man is said to be "very upset" after not receiving a personal email of congratulations from Guru George Gandy after his recent Birmingham League success and has always had a soft spot for the velvet tongued Bud Buldaro. The Lufbra Echo also understands that Emery is still furious about the new arrangements surrounding physio vouchers that have been introduced by a rampaging Ian Anholm. The Director of Administrative Affairs (Upstairs Office) has limited all athletes to just five vouchers per term and Emery has slammed this decision as "unreasonable" and is rumoured to have left a "stroppy note" on Anholm's car windscreen.

"Stephen is tired at the moment" sighed a seemingly unconcerned George Gandy from his weekly press conference "I am sure that this is the hours of stretching are taking their toll and in the new year he will be refreshed and ready to commit his future to us." The fact that a possible Emery defection is headline news only serves to underline how far the unfancied engineer has come in the past eighteen months. Written off by many, Emery was criticised for his "handlebars" by assistant coach David Howe just over a year ago and was on the brink of being "moved on" from the club after a dismal summer campaign in 2009. Since then, the Coventry Godiva man has become a linchpin in Gandy's squad and however much LSAC protest otherwise, his loss would be catastrophic in the run up to the BUCS Cross Country Championships.

An Emery spokesman was keen to play down the rumours this evening and was instead focussing on the "ludicrous" decision by Pete Matthews to grow a pony tail for the aforementioned BUCS. "If anything it is Mr Matthews that is forcing Stephen to consider his position" said the source "living with him is an awful experience and I think anyone would get fed up of hearing about how he once medalled at the U6 National Cross Relays every single day".

Matthews is said to be growing the pony tail for "attention seeking purposes".

EUROPEAN BORN ATHLETE WINS EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP SCANDAL

European Athletics are tonight launching an investigation into the "farcical scenes" that marred today's European Cross Country Championships. In what senior officials have branded "a deeply sad and shocking day", not one but three athletes of European birth scooped an individual title. "What's the point of these competitions if non-Europeans can't come and dominate?" thundered a senior aide to the President "it is a complete nonsense. We will be looking into this and believe that it is likely to be the fault of the British."

A UKA spokesman dismissed the accusations as "hysterical" and "made in the heat of the moment" but did concede that the Championships were "effectively a waste of time" after Charlotte Purdue stormed to victory in the Junior Women's race. "That set the tone for a hugely embarrassing day" said the official "with Augusto [the Portuguese female] also winning a title, it is a dark day for this event and then Lebid crowned a proper disaster." Going on to state that "if anyone was to blame then Dwain Chambers was likely to be at fault" the source said that UKA would be "fully compliant" with any investigation.

A bad day got worse for the Spanish as the vast majority of their team suddenly had "pressing personal matters" to attend to back in Madrid. A well placed insider at the Spanish federation mused on "what the point of importing a load of African runners was if they weren't allowed to race".

NEWS ROUND UP

RADCLIFFE MAY RUN IN RACE SHOCK
Paula Radcliffe is "considering" competing in a race, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The news has left many in the athletics world reeling from the shock with many scratching their heads trying to remember the last time she raced. "This is crazy" said one senior UKA source, "everyone knows that Paula is the best trainer in the world. Can she convert that into racing? I'm not sure." It is thought that the Monaco based star is targeting "at least one" race within the next year and whilst there are no guarantees that an appropriate contractual arrangement can be agreed, some say that a thrilling sequel could be seen in 2012.

GANDY SHELVES TRAINING AMID ICE CHAOS
George Gandy was forced to cancel organised training at Loughborough this week after his apprentice was unable to blow dry the track to safety. The Guru was left with no alternative but to make the "self operate" call despite nearly three hours of back breaking work from Alasdair Donaldson - who does not have time to read this site. Donaldson borrowed the hair dryer from great man himself and conceded that this was "probably not the best decision". David Howe, meanwhile, risked the wrath of the authorities by continuing to run his unsanctioned grass session. It is understood that the Canadian will be asked to explain himself in the coming months having repeatedly ignored a Guru Order on the matter.

The snow and ice has always been said to bring out the worst in Loughborough athletes and this year's crop did not disappoint. Leicestershire Police were despatched to attend to a distress call from Frank Baddick who had attempted to complete a training session on the icy Loughborough canal. The unwitting Baddick had fallen through the ice "half way through the fifth rep" after thinking it safer to train on there "rather than running the risk of turning an ankle" elsewhere. Calling the session "irresponsible" a spokesman for the Police confirmed that the 1500m star will make a full recovery.


OHURUOGU 'FORGETS' TO PAY FOR PETROL
Dappy 400m Olympic Champion, Christine Ohuruogu has been handed a £400 fine by the Metropolitan Police after failing to pay for petrol for the third time in 18 months. The quarter mile ace slammed the "ridiculously unworkable" system of payment at her local Esso Garage and pleaded that it had "completely slipped her mind" to pay for the fuel. "I fill up with petrol and am just focussed on getting back on the road" explained an unapologetic Ohuruogu, "there was no malice in the action and this fine is completely disproportionate." This is not the first time Ohuruogo's forgetful nature has got her into trouble. Earlier this year, the Londoner was fined after failing to put her recycling out for collection and she has been warned that any future misdemeanours could be dealt with "very severely".


ECHO CRITIC, THE HYPOCRITE?
"It's not funny....it's just weird" was one of the Echo's favourite detractors damning assessment of the hard hitting journalism we produce. Said critic was seething when an unwitting sub-editor (now retired) dared to lift a picture from his Facebook wall and use it in an article about Big Brother. Lack of respect and all that was the thunderous cry! Well, said individual should know all about respect given that his current Facebook profile picture shows him openly mocking world famous physicist, Stephen Hawking. This blog may not be funny, but we are not quite sure how a terminal illness is.

McLEOD PERFORMS WELL, EIGHTLANE OUTRAGED

Posters on the newly reincarnated running forum for simpletons Eightlane have been quick to express their dismay at the inclusion of Ryan McLeod in the team for the European Cross Country Championships next weekend.

"The non selection of Lee Carey is a disgrace" thundered one 'BRITS ABROAD' whilst 'i'm with jim [sic]' agreed with the sentiment before turning on the unwitting McLeod: "i will tell you what is even more disappointing [sic]" frothed the enraged opportunist, "mcleod coming 6th. paid trips to france and kenya znd that's what we get in return [sic]". Sensing a case of the green-eyed monster, several offered a defence of McLeod - who notched up his best ever performance at the Liverpool trial race - only to be batted down by 'the three degrees'. "look i like him [sic]" was his/her/it's reasoned opening, "but i don't think we are getting value for money for sending people over there [to Kenya presumably]." Oh dear, it seems as though Mr/Mrs Three Degrees forgot to get his/her application in for the altitude training in time. Clearly forgetting his claim of liking McLeod, the courageously anonymous poster continued: "he has had money thrown at him all of his life. what has carey asked for? the chance to do his exams and fly in to a race is not a lot to ask [sic]." Well, we could point out that Lee Carey is on a full scholarship in the States and that UKA make it clear that athletes have to be back in the UK the week before the Championships (to which Carey could not comply), but one should never let facts get in the way of a good story.

Coincidently, Eightlane is the very same forum that has got itself into a hysterical fit twice in the past twelve months over the non-selection of athletes who finished in the top six places at the supposed trial race. In one bizarre instance, the centre-piece of a presumably ill-fated 'LOVE ATHLETICS, HATE UKA' campaign was an open letter calling for greater transparency in selection. Now what could be more transparent than selecting the top six finishers of a trial I wonder?

WARBURTON LEFT RED FACED BY MINCE PIE GAFFE

Chris Warburton has been forced into an embarrassing apology after mistakenly making mince pies with beef mince meat. The 1500m star was throwing a festive party for his Loughborough pals and had been "up all night" finalising the arrangements. However, things went drastically wrong when several of the guests dashed to the lavatories after sampling some of the mince pies. One insider labelled the food "absolutely foul" and the Notts AC man himself has conceded that his cooking skills "require development".

Warburton - who is best known for baking bread - is rumoured to be "devastated" by the error. Apparently "throwing the cook book away", he was desperate to prove that he was cut out to throw a memorable party. Sadly the event aimed at celebrating the continuation of the Warburton dynasty at Loughborough, will be remembered for all the wrong reasons. "I only hope this hasn't ruined my European Cross preparations" thundered a furious Ryan McLeod "how can anyone make that sort of mistake? I've got an iPhone app for that sort of thing."

A Warburton spokesman was keen to play down the incident this evening, stating that "it was all forgotten now." The star's official website thanked fans for "all their support" and went on to dismiss rumours that the 3:39 man had compounded his mince pie foul up by preparing a cheesecake with cheddar.

REVEALED: BUCS IN VOTE SELLING SCANDAL

A scandal that looks set to shake British University sport to its foundations can be revealed today. The bidding process to host the Cross Country Championships is one of the most hotly contested votes in world sport and the delegates who vote on who has the right to host them are open to bribery, an investigation by the Lufbra Echo has found. This news comes days after Birmingham University chiefs were forced to deny accusations that they offered a free night's accommodation at a local Travelodge to one of the BUCS Vice Presidents in order to land the event in February of 2011.

And now the whole process for choosing the hosts of the 2012 event has been plunged into chaos. Posing as a senior member of the 'BUCS at Falmouth' campaign team, our undercover reporter offered a Parker pen to a major player on the decision panel. Dismissing the revelations as "hysterical ramblings", the BUCS Vice President for Voting Affairs strongly defended the "robust nature" of the vote. "It is ethically as sound as it gets" stormed an outraged Vice President from his Soho office "how dare this cowboy outfit come in and deliberately undermine the whole process? Who are they to do this?"

The Echo did not stop at its initial enquiries. This time posing as a representative for the Bolton Institute of Higher Education bid team, our reporter offered one decision maker a Smarties McFlurry in order to gain his backing for the campaign. The delegate then directed us to the Chief of London Operations - who is believed to able to deliver three votes (South London, North London and South East England) - and he agreed to provide "full backing" in exchange for a pair of Wellington boots.

Insiders at BUCS have indicated that all plans for a vote later this month have been shelved, with some speculating that the event will default back to Scotland as it did after the scandal that was the Aberdeen snow race. "These stories - and that is all they are at this stage - have changed everything" said the senior source "it even brings into dispute the Birmingham bid. Scotland could be hosting BUCS Cross for years to come".

OLYMPIC GAMES TO BE CANCELLED DUE TO SNOW: EXCLUSIVE

The 2012 Olympic Games are set to be cancelled due to snow and ice, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. Tonight, Lord Sebastian Coe KBE is locked in talks with London Council chiefs who have axed the Games over "legitimate and serious safety concerns." Stratford Borough Council - who were alleged to have fined Christine Ohuruogu over a litter infraction earlier this year - have said that they were left with "no choice" but to revoke the licence for the event "in the interests of athletes and spectators alike".

"It is something we have agonised over" said a senior spokesman "but in truth, we simply cannot guarantee that this snow will not occur in 2012". It is believed that there are fears that similar scenes to those witnessed all over the country this evening will be repeated at the Olympics. Athletes have been forced indoors across the nation by the adverse weather, with Loughborough's 800m squad being forced to do laps of George Gandy's office in a dramatic bid to avoid getting cold. "Just imagine if we had to move the Javelin indoors," continued the Counsellor "it would be even more dangerous than doing it on the ice."

Lord Coe KBE has slammed the Council's decision, calling it "the most outrageous case of anal retentiveness in the history of mankind." The Baron went on to state that the team were looking at alternatives that included shifting the whole operation to one of the Channel Islands. The Right Honourable Gentleman has a vested interest in ensuring that the Games go ahead as he stands to gain a £10m bonus on successful completion. "I am paid on results" thundered his Lordship "and these working class nobodies are about to take food out of my children's mouths".