Jonathan Edwards has said that he would be "honoured" to light the Olympic torch at next year's London Olympics. The announcement comes just days after Dame Kelly Holmes launched her own bid to become the flame bearer under the strapline DK to Shoot Up. Holmes, who says that she is "the clear choice", told her On Camp With Kelly group that they must "forget about" their summer seasons and spend their time "hitting Facebook, Twitter and everything else" to get the bid going. Holmes is understood to count Edwards amongst her key rivals.
"I'm not saying that I'm putting myself forward" Edwards told Radio Five Live "but it would be a real honour. I know that Seb [His Lordship, Sebastian Newbold Coe] and I go way back and it would be nice to think that loyalty is repaid - not that I'm interested". The Triple Jump World Record holder - whom the echo revealed to be a twerp last year - dismissed a suggestion that fellow BBC commentator Steve Cram could be in with a shout: "it's a real shame Steve never managed to get that Olympic Gold. I guess that that is a pre-requisite".
Meanwhile, the Office of His Lordship have confirmed that they have received "a number of gifts" for the Baron in recent weeks. It is understood that Brendan Foster sent in a "selection of his favourite cakes", David Beckham provided a case of fine wine, whilst Tom Daly (the diver) sent in his favourite cuddly toy. Kelly Sotherton is believed to have emailed a video file marked "for the Lord's eyes only" as her pitch for glory.
"These bribes won't make a difference" said the Lord's Deputy Director of Being Like An Everyday Guy (North West Region) "the BBC have already stipulated that the Opening Ceremony must feature Jessica Ennis in every shot, so our hands are tied on this one. We did however really enjoy eating the chocolates that Paula Radcliffe sent in".
Showing posts with label Coe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Coe. Show all posts
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
COE OFFERED 'CAN OF COKE' TO IOC CHIEFS SHOCK
Lord Sebastian Coe is facing a fight for his career and credibility this evening after it was revealed that the Head of London 2012 offered to "buy all the IOC executives a can of coke" just days before they were due to vote on the destination of the 2012 Games. The revelations come just over a year before the Games' Opening Ceremony and officials in Paris (who lost out to London) have called for them to be "postponed" until an investigation can be carried out.
A furious Paris insider blasted the "disgusting unfairness" of the selection process. "I think it is very unfair" thundered Olympic Minister Jean-Pierre Le Frog "for me, the Olympics must be decided by the best bid and not who has the right money for the vending machine." Le Frog dismissed allegations that his own bid team were responsible for offering the decision makers "a bottle of Orangina" for both them and a partner. "This is nonsense, total nonsense" he blasted "what is not nonsense is what we have always said- this [Lord] Coe is nasty and very strange".
A Senior 2012 Official confirmed that his Lordship had been made aware of the story and that they had "no comment other than to make it clear that they intend to go ahead as planned on July 27th". It is not yet clear whether any of the IOC Chiefs took up Coe's offer, but is understood that some were alienated when Diet Coke was not available.
A furious Paris insider blasted the "disgusting unfairness" of the selection process. "I think it is very unfair" thundered Olympic Minister Jean-Pierre Le Frog "for me, the Olympics must be decided by the best bid and not who has the right money for the vending machine." Le Frog dismissed allegations that his own bid team were responsible for offering the decision makers "a bottle of Orangina" for both them and a partner. "This is nonsense, total nonsense" he blasted "what is not nonsense is what we have always said- this [Lord] Coe is nasty and very strange".
A Senior 2012 Official confirmed that his Lordship had been made aware of the story and that they had "no comment other than to make it clear that they intend to go ahead as planned on July 27th". It is not yet clear whether any of the IOC Chiefs took up Coe's offer, but is understood that some were alienated when Diet Coke was not available.
Monday, 25 April 2011
NEWS ROUND UP
'NO CONCERN' OVER OLYMPIC FUNDING: COE
ENNIS 'NOT FAZED' BY MEDIA HYPE
Jessica Ennis has denied that she has been distracted by the special attention she has received since winning the World Championships in 2009. The Heptathlete has been the subject of fierce media scrutiny ever since the BBC revealed plans for an annual "Jess Day" where they show 24 hours of non-stop Ennis related programming on BBC 1 and BBC Radio Five Live. Although the idea has been quietly dropped, it is understood that BBC producers have now rented homes up and down Ennis' Sheffield street in order to be the first to break any "Jess News". A Beeb insider told the echo that the £10m project was already paying off. "Last week and eagle eyed report spotted that Jess has brought 1% milk instead of the usual semi-skimmed" enthused the senior executive "it prompted a series of stories on the benefits of such a move. Unfortunately we had to retract them all when we spotted a return to the usual green tops the following day". Earlier this year, Ennis called for "a thorough review" of Facebook usage after Kelly Sotherton was accused of hacking into her account.
SMITH CALLS FOR NEWHAM FOCUS
Newham's manager Bob Smith has called for his athletes to remain "focussed on the task at hand" ahead of the new season. The club are in serious financial difficulty and are badly in need of the funding that a third successive Premiership title would bring. "I have sat the lads down" said Smith "and told them to forget everything but running". It is understood that the club will be unable to maintain the £150m annual wage bill "much past June" and players are being encouraged by their agents to look for other clubs.
FARAH FUMING AT ROYAL SNUB
Mo Farah has claimed to of "lost sleep" over his "derisory" seating position at Friday's Royal Wedding. The GB International is well known to be a personal friend of Prince William and has been snapped on regular shooting jaunts with the Royals around the Balmoral estate. Farah is upset after being assigned a seat towards the back of Westminster Abbey and is "next to a bunch of no hopers" according to the 5k star. "I am seventeenth in line to be best man" thundered Farah "how can I be treated so badly? I'm sitting next to Nick Clegg - it's going to be awful".
Thursday, 14 April 2011
COULD 'ALIEN INVASION' THREATEN 2012 TICKET PRICES?
The possibility of a "killer alien invasion" may result in a rise in the Olympic ticket prices. According to a report seen by the lufbra echo, 2012 security chiefs have called for an increase in funding in a bid to combat the potential of a deadly attack from "Martian beings". It is understood that Lord Coe - who is in charge of organising the Games - is concerned that 2012 could dangerously coincide with ancient prophesies that the world will end in 2012. "We're all going to die" laughed an Olympic insider "in all seriousness though, we need to take any threat to athlete security very gravely".
The head of 2012 security has asked for a £500m grant from LOCOG in order to purchase the latest "SkySCANNER" that can detect aliens from "millions of miles away". The report urges London heads to take the threat seriously and suggests that the move could be paid for by "getting the protected spectators" to foot the bill. "It's a no brainer in my opinion" concluded the informal prologue to the report "the fact is that the world should come to its end next year and I would hate for it to happen on my watch". Ticket prices could therefore go up by "at least 35%".
The IOC have recently been forced to deny speculation that the Games themselves were to be moved to 2011 in order to avoid the clash with Armageddon. "It was never discussed" said a spokesman for the President "the Olympics will go ahead in 2012. Regardless of the world ending or not".
The head of 2012 security has asked for a £500m grant from LOCOG in order to purchase the latest "SkySCANNER" that can detect aliens from "millions of miles away". The report urges London heads to take the threat seriously and suggests that the move could be paid for by "getting the protected spectators" to foot the bill. "It's a no brainer in my opinion" concluded the informal prologue to the report "the fact is that the world should come to its end next year and I would hate for it to happen on my watch". Ticket prices could therefore go up by "at least 35%".
The IOC have recently been forced to deny speculation that the Games themselves were to be moved to 2011 in order to avoid the clash with Armageddon. "It was never discussed" said a spokesman for the President "the Olympics will go ahead in 2012. Regardless of the world ending or not".
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
BERLINO BACKS WENLOCK TO IMPROVE
The 2009 IAAF World Championship mascot, Berlino the bear has spoken out in favour of his under-fire London 2012 counterpart, Wenlock. The mascot for the Olympic Games has looked out of sorts this year and many have called for his removal by Paralympic mascot, Mandeville. Speaking to Richard Keys and Andy Gray on TalkSPORT, Berlino called the criticism of Wenlock "unfair and completely ridiculous". "A double act is always going to be tough" said the bear from his retirement home in Barbados "Wenlock will find his feet, you can be sure of that. He is world class." Berlino went onto deny speculation that Lord Sebastian Coe has approached him to take over from the "bland" Wenlock.
Berlino attended the International Mascot College in the United States with both Wenlock and Mandeville and so claims to be in "an ideal position" to judge between the two of them. "Wenlock is a big game player. He will only get his act together when it matters - over a year out from the Games, does it really matter?" Berlino was hailed as one of the greatest mascots of all time after his tremendous performance in Berlin just under two years ago. But the going wasn't always that easy. "I was slated by the German press in the run up to the event" explained Berlino "they all said I couldn't cut it and that I didn't have the moves. You've got to rise above it all".
Reports in the weekend's Telegraph linked Berlino with a possible shock move to London next year. "No way" laughed the bear "I couldn't take that pressure anymore. I can honestly say that Seb [Coe] and I have never had any such discussions. Besides, Wenlock is doing a fine job". Berlino did, however, reveal that he had not ruled out a "guest appearance" at the forthcoming World Championships in Daegu. "Why not? I couldn't do the whole thing, but if they call me and say 'Berlino - we want you to come to dance with Usain [Bolt]' then I'd be up for it." Whilst revealing the design of the official mascot, IAAF Chiefs are still yet to name it - a delay that Berlino says is "cruel". "How can he have an identity without a name?" he blasted "it's very poor indeed and a sign of how badly mascots are treated nowadays".
Berlino attended the International Mascot College in the United States with both Wenlock and Mandeville and so claims to be in "an ideal position" to judge between the two of them. "Wenlock is a big game player. He will only get his act together when it matters - over a year out from the Games, does it really matter?" Berlino was hailed as one of the greatest mascots of all time after his tremendous performance in Berlin just under two years ago. But the going wasn't always that easy. "I was slated by the German press in the run up to the event" explained Berlino "they all said I couldn't cut it and that I didn't have the moves. You've got to rise above it all".
Reports in the weekend's Telegraph linked Berlino with a possible shock move to London next year. "No way" laughed the bear "I couldn't take that pressure anymore. I can honestly say that Seb [Coe] and I have never had any such discussions. Besides, Wenlock is doing a fine job". Berlino did, however, reveal that he had not ruled out a "guest appearance" at the forthcoming World Championships in Daegu. "Why not? I couldn't do the whole thing, but if they call me and say 'Berlino - we want you to come to dance with Usain [Bolt]' then I'd be up for it." Whilst revealing the design of the official mascot, IAAF Chiefs are still yet to name it - a delay that Berlino says is "cruel". "How can he have an identity without a name?" he blasted "it's very poor indeed and a sign of how badly mascots are treated nowadays".
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
Saturday, 9 April 2011
COE IN FIGHT FOR OFFICE SPACE AFTER FUNDING CUT
Lord Sebastian Coe may be forced to move into a "downstairs office" after the BOA announced they are to pursue funds they believe are owed to them by the organising committee. His Lordship is said to be "fuming" that such a drastic measure is being considered but insiders told the echo that they "have absolutely no choice". "Our funding is falling all the time" said the source "continuing to sustain a 2,000 square metre suite complete with a jacuzzi and personal masseuse is simply not sustainable". The office space - which is exclusively for the Lord's use - costs around £1m a week in rent alone.
Lord Coe - who insists on being called 'The Baron' by 2012 workers - revealed privately that he "would do anything" to avoid being "shoved downstairs with a bunch of nobodies". It is understood that the former 800m world record holder is pushing for the Paralympics to be "downsized" rather than sacrifice his much admired office. The committee's Deputy Director of Lord Coe's Ties (Radio Appearances, Northern Europe) told the echo that his boss was "getting desperate" and that he had "blown a gasket" when told that he could no longer claim nights out at London's Ritz Hotel on expenses.
These revelations come at the end of a difficult week for London 2012. The man in charge of organising the marathons, Dave Bedford, branded the Lord "unworkable" after it was suggested that the women's event could be "shortened in order to save time". Elsewhere, a delegation from the IOC were left stranded on a London Underground train fro 17 hours after workers walked out on strike and their guide "forgot all about them".
Lord Coe - who insists on being called 'The Baron' by 2012 workers - revealed privately that he "would do anything" to avoid being "shoved downstairs with a bunch of nobodies". It is understood that the former 800m world record holder is pushing for the Paralympics to be "downsized" rather than sacrifice his much admired office. The committee's Deputy Director of Lord Coe's Ties (Radio Appearances, Northern Europe) told the echo that his boss was "getting desperate" and that he had "blown a gasket" when told that he could no longer claim nights out at London's Ritz Hotel on expenses.
These revelations come at the end of a difficult week for London 2012. The man in charge of organising the marathons, Dave Bedford, branded the Lord "unworkable" after it was suggested that the women's event could be "shortened in order to save time". Elsewhere, a delegation from the IOC were left stranded on a London Underground train fro 17 hours after workers walked out on strike and their guide "forgot all about them".
Sunday, 20 March 2011
POST RACE PUNCH UP THE FAULT OF 'HIGH TEMPERATURES'
The IAAF have blasted race organisers of the World Cross Country Championships in Spain and blamed "ridiculously hot conditions" for the post-World Cross fight that marred an otherwise successful day's racing. Speaking exclusively to the lufbra echo, an IAAF source claimed that Ethiopian winner Imana Merga "was not himself" when he accused Team GB's Tom Humprhies of "copying his spikes". Humphries responded by throwing one of the said spikes at his opponent, prompting a sixteen man brawl involving multiple nations. Notorious troublemaker Haile Gebrselassie had to be restrained by police as the great man was seen to provoke matters by attempting to pull down the shorts of several of the rioters.
UK Athletics have called for a "full and frank investigation" into how the race was allowed to take place in conditions "equivalent to a sauna". "It was far too hot" thundered Charles Van Commonee's Assistant Director of Spectacle Affairs "it really got to the guys. You could see how Tadese was just itching to fight. I think we need to look at hosting this race in an air conditioned arena in future." The UKA source dismissed accusations that the Endurance supremo Ian Stewart had become involved in a verbal slagging match with his Ethiopian counterpart. Calling it a "measured and clam discussion" any suggestion that the altercation resulted in Stewart receiving a bloody nose was rejected.
Keen to distance themselves from the debacle, the World Governing body's Vice President - His Lordship Sebastian Coe - said that such matters as the temperature were "local affairs". "Things like that have to be controlled by the local organising committee" said the Lord "I myself had to change shirts three times owing to sweat. It was very poor".
UK Athletics have called for a "full and frank investigation" into how the race was allowed to take place in conditions "equivalent to a sauna". "It was far too hot" thundered Charles Van Commonee's Assistant Director of Spectacle Affairs "it really got to the guys. You could see how Tadese was just itching to fight. I think we need to look at hosting this race in an air conditioned arena in future." The UKA source dismissed accusations that the Endurance supremo Ian Stewart had become involved in a verbal slagging match with his Ethiopian counterpart. Calling it a "measured and clam discussion" any suggestion that the altercation resulted in Stewart receiving a bloody nose was rejected.
Keen to distance themselves from the debacle, the World Governing body's Vice President - His Lordship Sebastian Coe - said that such matters as the temperature were "local affairs". "Things like that have to be controlled by the local organising committee" said the Lord "I myself had to change shirts three times owing to sweat. It was very poor".
Tuesday, 15 March 2011
OLYMPIC ROUND UP
VERNON 'MISTAKE' BREAKS 2012 CLOCK
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| STOPPAGE TIME: Vernon 'did not know' the clock required constant power |
Andy Vernon has apologised after mistakenly pulling the plug on the 'Countdown to 2012' clock in Central London. The Aldershot man told his official website that he had "had a nightmare" when looking for somewhere to charge the battery on his mobile phone. Organisers have called the blunder "hugely embarrassing" and have not ruled out handing Vernon a hefty bill.
TICKETS 'SHOULDN'T BE SOLD TO POOR PEOPLE': COE
Lord Coe looks set to cause a stir after claiming that tickets for blue-ribboned events should only be sold to "the most well off" and "uneducated tramps" should not be allowed in. "The Games is not for everyone" said his Lordship "it would be dreadful to have commoners wandering around in the background of the 100m". It is understood that LOCOG will be banning the wearing of hoodies, low hanging jeans and anything made by Burberry in a bid to discourage "hoipolloi" from coming near.
ENNIS GETS COLD, BBC IN CRISIS
The BBC are preparing for what senior executives have called "the worst case scenario" after Jessica Ennis caught a cold sidelining the World Heptathlon Champion for "at least a day". "An Olympics without Jess would not be an Olympics at all" said the BBC's Director of Ennis Output (Southern Region) "worse still, if she turns up and then doesn't win - hours of pre-prepared footage will be wasted". A Beeb insider told the echo that the Corporation had rushed a "dedicated medic" to be at Ennis' side and denied that they were overreacting.
OLYMPICS 'COST A FORTUNE' SHOCK
The British sporting world is reeling from the news that the Olympic Games actually cost a lot of money. Furious protestors have taken to the streets of the East End to demand that the "wasteful" projects are halted immediately and a 24 hour Asda is built in place of the Olympic Stadium. It is understood that the Games Cleaning Directorate (fresh from the Commonwealth Games cleaning project) are about to walk out in sympathy. "I am shocked at how much this is all costing" said a senior executive at Lloyds Banking Group "I really do wonder how Lord Coe and his team sleep at night"
Saturday, 29 January 2011
HAPLESS SNOWBALL SLAMMED OVER BUS GAFFE
As if fielding the weakest Loughborough team in a generation wasn't bad enough for Ben Snowball, the LSAC skipper now faces a mutiny from furious stars as he broke the news that the bus for BUCS would be leaving at 8:30 am. "This is beyond a joke now" thundered Gary Bradbury "you just can't run a club like this. Who does he think he is? I don't plan on being awake at 8:30 let alone on a bus. It's absolutely outrageous". Bradbury is just one of a number of athletes demanding that the departure time is put back or else they will "seriously consider" strike action.
In a bid to placate the masses, Snowball asked George Gandy's PA - Alasdair Donaldson (who does not have time to read this site) - to send out word that it is "imperative" to get the bus under way early. However, an insider told the Echo that this only exasperated matters when Donaldson made his announcement at Wednesday night circuits. "The crowd went mental" said the source "they started shouting expletives and all threw chewing gum at Alasdair. I have never seen such anger".
This is the latest in a long line of blunders from LSAC's inexperienced leader that have led to many asking whether he should be replaced ahead of the crucial season run in. Earlier this month, Paula Radcliffe called on Snowball to buck his ideas up and now Lord Sebastian Coe has added his voice to his growing list of detractors. "It's a tough job that one" said his Lordship "the fans have such expectations and I am not sure Ben is cut out for captaining such a big club. He is more suited to a mid-range team such as Oxford or Bath".
LSAC chiefs were refusing to comment last night, but rumours persist that George Gandy is lining up Stephen Emery to take over on a caretaker basis until the end of the season.
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
OLYMPIC GAMES TO BE CANCELLED DUE TO SNOW: EXCLUSIVE
The 2012 Olympic Games are set to be cancelled due to snow and ice, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. Tonight, Lord Sebastian Coe KBE is locked in talks with London Council chiefs who have axed the Games over "legitimate and serious safety concerns." Stratford Borough Council - who were alleged to have fined Christine Ohuruogu over a litter infraction earlier this year - have said that they were left with "no choice" but to revoke the licence for the event "in the interests of athletes and spectators alike".
"It is something we have agonised over" said a senior spokesman "but in truth, we simply cannot guarantee that this snow will not occur in 2012". It is believed that there are fears that similar scenes to those witnessed all over the country this evening will be repeated at the Olympics. Athletes have been forced indoors across the nation by the adverse weather, with Loughborough's 800m squad being forced to do laps of George Gandy's office in a dramatic bid to avoid getting cold. "Just imagine if we had to move the Javelin indoors," continued the Counsellor "it would be even more dangerous than doing it on the ice."
Lord Coe KBE has slammed the Council's decision, calling it "the most outrageous case of anal retentiveness in the history of mankind." The Baron went on to state that the team were looking at alternatives that included shifting the whole operation to one of the Channel Islands. The Right Honourable Gentleman has a vested interest in ensuring that the Games go ahead as he stands to gain a £10m bonus on successful completion. "I am paid on results" thundered his Lordship "and these working class nobodies are about to take food out of my children's mouths".
"It is something we have agonised over" said a senior spokesman "but in truth, we simply cannot guarantee that this snow will not occur in 2012". It is believed that there are fears that similar scenes to those witnessed all over the country this evening will be repeated at the Olympics. Athletes have been forced indoors across the nation by the adverse weather, with Loughborough's 800m squad being forced to do laps of George Gandy's office in a dramatic bid to avoid getting cold. "Just imagine if we had to move the Javelin indoors," continued the Counsellor "it would be even more dangerous than doing it on the ice."
Lord Coe KBE has slammed the Council's decision, calling it "the most outrageous case of anal retentiveness in the history of mankind." The Baron went on to state that the team were looking at alternatives that included shifting the whole operation to one of the Channel Islands. The Right Honourable Gentleman has a vested interest in ensuring that the Games go ahead as he stands to gain a £10m bonus on successful completion. "I am paid on results" thundered his Lordship "and these working class nobodies are about to take food out of my children's mouths".
Sunday, 21 November 2010
NEWS ROUND UP
COE IN STADIUM NAMING RIDDLE
Lord Sebastian Coe KBE has lost his cool after being informed that the Olympic Stadium will not be called 'The Sebastian Newbold Coe, Baron Coe KBE is Brilliant Stadium'. It is understood that his Lordship presented the idea to fellow Olympic Chiefs last week who unanimously kicked it into touch. Speaking to the Lufbra Echo, Lord Coe said that the British Olympic Association were "ungrateful". "We are here because of me and I think that they should remember that" said the former 800m World Record holder "I think it is high time I got the sort of recognition that Lord Sugar gets." It is thought that Lord Coe is particularly upset that the BBC would not allow him to run his own version of Sugar's Apprentice in order to help him find a new butler. "How come someone like that [Sugar] - a commoner gets all the glamour, whilst I am here with nothing?" thundered the LOCOG Chairman, before breaking off the interview to go and shout at an architect "because he could".
BRENDAN FOSTER MAY QUIT BBC OVER CAKE ROW
Brendan Foster, for so long the voice of British athletics coverage, has handed the Beeb an ultimatum over cake, the Lufbra Echo understands. It is thought that Foster, who retired from running some years ago, is furious after he was told that only three types of cake would be provided at major athletics events from now on. An insider has told of how Mr Foster was "horrified" by the news and would "struggle to cope" with remaining awake for the entirety of the London Marathon without "at least ten" cakes on the go at once. "How would you feel if you were handed a 70% real terms pay cut?" asked a Foster representative "it's not his fault that the BBC have run out of money." The BBC declined to comment on the record this evening, but a source close to Beeb chiefs revealed that "they couldn't care less" if Foster leaves.
ROYAL COUPLE TO MARRY
Prince Robert Whittle of Loughborough has announced his engagement to Laura Kenny. It is understood that the Prince, second in line to the thrown currently occupied by King Guru Gandy III, proposed to Miss Kenny during a training run in the Outwoods and they will be married later this year. Cross Country Captain, Ben Snowball hailed a "wonderful day" for Loughborough and hoped that it would take everyone's mind of the continuing dismal showing at recent cross country events. Miss Kenny will become the Princess of Shepshed after the marriage and has said that she is "one hundred percent committed" to continuing with her career despite the change in circumstances.
HOWE ATHLETE RUNS PB SHOCK
An athlete coached by David Howe has run a personal best, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The result, which is believed to have come over 10km, has left many in the sport shocked. "This is absolutely crazy news" said one spectator, "it is going to turn the athletics world upside down." It is understood that the runner, who has asked not to be named, has engaged in some "solid" training over recent months and that is how the performance is being explained. An insider at Loughborough this evening dismissed the news as a "blip" and remained confident that normal service would soon be restored.
Tuesday, 6 July 2010
NEWS IN BRIEF
WOMEN’S STEEPLE FACES HATCHET
The women’s 3,000m steeplechase will not be included in the programme for the 2012 Olympic Games, because Sebastian Coe “doesn’t much like” Hatti Dean. The former World 800m Record holder has been under pressure from the cost-cutting Coalition Government to somehow reduce the £9 billion budget currently set for the Games. In an extraordinary press conference, the Chairman of LOCOG attacked the steeplechase, branding it a “waste of space” and also reserved firm words for the “nasty and manipulative” Dean. “I hate her,” said Coe, “I hate the way she looks, I hate the way she runs and I hate the way she hurdles. If I had my way, I would just introduce a blanket ban on Deans being allowed to compete.” Coe is said to be upset because he "doesn't like hats". "What a stupid name!" thundered Coe, "I hate people who go around wearing hats- particularly in races, like that **** Dave Wottle".
McLEOD SNUB ANGERS UNIONS
Trade Unions have called for athletes and spectators to boycott the Super 8 series on Wednesday owing to the exclusion of Ryan McLeod. Unison, Unite, GMB and BECTU all balloted their members after the start lists were published and the results confirmed that 98.7% of members voted in favour of action. One Glasgow Council insider said: “our members work incredibly hard for their cash and demand the right to see McLeod lead a race only to be out-kicked in the closing stages. We couldn’t all make it down to Sport City and some idiot edited out the good bits on the video.” McLeod insiders have denied rumours that their man was offered a race but had to turn it down as he “did not know where Glasgow was”. One source said: “we can’t understand why he has been left out. He could run for just about anyone, but they all said no. It’s like someone has a grudge against him.” UKA have refused to comment on the strikes, but did say that they “regretted” having to overlook the Tipton man. A spokesman said: “we just didn’t have a need for any pacemakers on this occasion.”
GAY ‘BANNED FROM WINNING’ IN OREGON
The only non-Nike sponsored athlete to be permitted a race in the Pre Classic Diamond League meeting, Tyson Gay, has told the Lufbra Echo that he was told “not to win” just minutes before his race. “Some guy came up to be beforehand,” said Gay, “and said that he would ruin by career if I didn’t let Dix win”. It was also alleged that Gay was given “sticky blocks” meaning that he was delayed slightly at the start. A Nike spokesman was unrepentant when challenged on the issue: “how embarrassing would it be if an Adidas athlete won a race?” said the source, “that’s like saying that you don’t need to wear Nike kit to be the best. Also, Tyson has an unfortunate surname and we couldn’t have a Dix finishing behind a Gay- we have family values, you know!”
The women’s 3,000m steeplechase will not be included in the programme for the 2012 Olympic Games, because Sebastian Coe “doesn’t much like” Hatti Dean. The former World 800m Record holder has been under pressure from the cost-cutting Coalition Government to somehow reduce the £9 billion budget currently set for the Games. In an extraordinary press conference, the Chairman of LOCOG attacked the steeplechase, branding it a “waste of space” and also reserved firm words for the “nasty and manipulative” Dean. “I hate her,” said Coe, “I hate the way she looks, I hate the way she runs and I hate the way she hurdles. If I had my way, I would just introduce a blanket ban on Deans being allowed to compete.” Coe is said to be upset because he "doesn't like hats". "What a stupid name!" thundered Coe, "I hate people who go around wearing hats- particularly in races, like that **** Dave Wottle".
McLEOD SNUB ANGERS UNIONS
Trade Unions have called for athletes and spectators to boycott the Super 8 series on Wednesday owing to the exclusion of Ryan McLeod. Unison, Unite, GMB and BECTU all balloted their members after the start lists were published and the results confirmed that 98.7% of members voted in favour of action. One Glasgow Council insider said: “our members work incredibly hard for their cash and demand the right to see McLeod lead a race only to be out-kicked in the closing stages. We couldn’t all make it down to Sport City and some idiot edited out the good bits on the video.” McLeod insiders have denied rumours that their man was offered a race but had to turn it down as he “did not know where Glasgow was”. One source said: “we can’t understand why he has been left out. He could run for just about anyone, but they all said no. It’s like someone has a grudge against him.” UKA have refused to comment on the strikes, but did say that they “regretted” having to overlook the Tipton man. A spokesman said: “we just didn’t have a need for any pacemakers on this occasion.”
GAY ‘BANNED FROM WINNING’ IN OREGON
The only non-Nike sponsored athlete to be permitted a race in the Pre Classic Diamond League meeting, Tyson Gay, has told the Lufbra Echo that he was told “not to win” just minutes before his race. “Some guy came up to be beforehand,” said Gay, “and said that he would ruin by career if I didn’t let Dix win”. It was also alleged that Gay was given “sticky blocks” meaning that he was delayed slightly at the start. A Nike spokesman was unrepentant when challenged on the issue: “how embarrassing would it be if an Adidas athlete won a race?” said the source, “that’s like saying that you don’t need to wear Nike kit to be the best. Also, Tyson has an unfortunate surname and we couldn’t have a Dix finishing behind a Gay- we have family values, you know!”
Friday, 25 June 2010
AAAs AND MORE......
BIRMINGHAM SET FOR UK CHAMPS
Security is set to be “tighter than ever before” at the UK Championships, according to UKA insiders. It is believed that UKA have tightened the ticketing policy after thousands of touts were arrested outside the ground last year and many fans were turned away having bought counterfeit tickets. The ugly scenes that appeared on the final Sunday of the 2009 event- with many desperate supporters charging the gate in a bid to get inside- are the subject of an ongoing judicial review, the results of which will be published later this year. A senior UKA source said that lessons would be learned from past mistakes. “The police have doubled their provision,” said the member of Neils De Vos’ office, “I think it is fair to say we underestimated the animosity that existed between rival sets of fans last year.” Crowd segregation is to be “absolute” for the first time since the Coe-Ovett era, a time that saw many hooligans handed life bans.
On the track, UKA chiefs have been keen to play down rumours that the distance events will suffer from being so close to the Trafford Grand Prix to be held on Tuesday. Event organisers from Stretford have been talking up their “tremendous fields” and “cast iron guarantees from top guns” and this has angered some inside UKA. “I am certain that the National Championships will prevail,” said UKA’s events secretary, “we have made it clear to all at Trafford that such scheduling in future will be viewed very dimly.”
BEEB COMMITS TO ‘MORE COVERAGE THAN EVER’
The BBC have confirmed that the athletics will be given “prime time billing” and as such “at least 45 minutes” of live action will be shown over the course of the weekend. It is at this stage unclear who will be anchoring the coverage as Sue Barker is tied up at Wimbledon and the rest of the BBC Sport team has been dispatched to South Africa. An insider said, “to be honest, we could have done with England going out on Wednesday. We need some guys back here.” Jonathan Edwards once again “failed to impress” in his anchorage of the European Team Championships last weekend, and thus it seems likely that Hazel Irvine will be brought out of the wilderness she has inhabited since the now infamous Crystal Palace-gate last year. Irvine courted heavy criticism after looking like she was about to “burst with excitement” at the news of a failed Jamaican drug test and was accused of “going to pieces” when attempting to interview Usain Bolt. The BBC have not yet confirmed whether Phil Jones will be available to ask athletes “how they feel”, as he was last seen harassing exhausted tennis players in SW19.
CAPELLO IN SHOCK VISIT TO McLEOD PREPARATION SESSION
VAN COMMENEE SUPPORTS DRUG CHEATS ‘BECAUSE HE GREW UP IN AMSTERDAM’
Angry Eightlaners have hit out at UKA’s performance chief after he was seen to show support to Britain’s number one sprinter, Dwain Chambers. In some fearful reviews on the popular running forum, Van Commonee is accused of “[spending] many of his formative years in the cafes of Amsterdam” on the grounds that he lived “in the suburbs” as a youngster. The anonymous poster, who presumably did not spend many of his/her formative years in the schools of England, went on to add “someone in UKA who does understand the British public needs to have a quiet word”. ‘Outlook’, clearly horrified by the situation, added: “there is wacky backy and hash cake on sale in every city centre bar”. This, coupled with his “suicidal” backing of Chambers, clearly proves that Van Commenee must have spent his entire childhood doped up and is now causing “Women’s Institute types [to be] switching off their televisions in disgust” [‘Point’ et al.,2010]. One can’t help but feel that the Dutchman’s position is now untenable and his resignation will surely follow.
ISNER AND MAHUT MATCH LONGER THAN RADCLIFFE TRAINING RUN
The Wimbledon tennis match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut lasted longer than one of Paula Radcliffe’s ‘medium length’ runs. The revelation comes as Radcliffe lambasted members of the press for praising the two players’ staying power. “This is the problem with tennis players,” fumed the usually placid Radcliffe, “they stay on court for a little longer than they would have hoped and suddenly they want they earth. It’s pathetic.” Revealing that she has “warmed down for longer than their entire match”, Radcliffe maintained that she did not train too hard. “If other people spent the time I did running, then maybe we wouldn’t be in the mess that we are now in,” she said from her toe strengthening suite, “my injuries are nothing to do with over training.” In an unusually vocal mood, Radcliffe also furiously denied speculation that her next child would be named ‘Nike’.
Security is set to be “tighter than ever before” at the UK Championships, according to UKA insiders. It is believed that UKA have tightened the ticketing policy after thousands of touts were arrested outside the ground last year and many fans were turned away having bought counterfeit tickets. The ugly scenes that appeared on the final Sunday of the 2009 event- with many desperate supporters charging the gate in a bid to get inside- are the subject of an ongoing judicial review, the results of which will be published later this year. A senior UKA source said that lessons would be learned from past mistakes. “The police have doubled their provision,” said the member of Neils De Vos’ office, “I think it is fair to say we underestimated the animosity that existed between rival sets of fans last year.” Crowd segregation is to be “absolute” for the first time since the Coe-Ovett era, a time that saw many hooligans handed life bans.
On the track, UKA chiefs have been keen to play down rumours that the distance events will suffer from being so close to the Trafford Grand Prix to be held on Tuesday. Event organisers from Stretford have been talking up their “tremendous fields” and “cast iron guarantees from top guns” and this has angered some inside UKA. “I am certain that the National Championships will prevail,” said UKA’s events secretary, “we have made it clear to all at Trafford that such scheduling in future will be viewed very dimly.”
BEEB COMMITS TO ‘MORE COVERAGE THAN EVER’
The BBC have confirmed that the athletics will be given “prime time billing” and as such “at least 45 minutes” of live action will be shown over the course of the weekend. It is at this stage unclear who will be anchoring the coverage as Sue Barker is tied up at Wimbledon and the rest of the BBC Sport team has been dispatched to South Africa. An insider said, “to be honest, we could have done with England going out on Wednesday. We need some guys back here.” Jonathan Edwards once again “failed to impress” in his anchorage of the European Team Championships last weekend, and thus it seems likely that Hazel Irvine will be brought out of the wilderness she has inhabited since the now infamous Crystal Palace-gate last year. Irvine courted heavy criticism after looking like she was about to “burst with excitement” at the news of a failed Jamaican drug test and was accused of “going to pieces” when attempting to interview Usain Bolt. The BBC have not yet confirmed whether Phil Jones will be available to ask athletes “how they feel”, as he was last seen harassing exhausted tennis players in SW19.
CAPELLO IN SHOCK VISIT TO McLEOD PREPARATION SESSION
VAN COMMENEE SUPPORTS DRUG CHEATS ‘BECAUSE HE GREW UP IN AMSTERDAM’
Angry Eightlaners have hit out at UKA’s performance chief after he was seen to show support to Britain’s number one sprinter, Dwain Chambers. In some fearful reviews on the popular running forum, Van Commonee is accused of “[spending] many of his formative years in the cafes of Amsterdam” on the grounds that he lived “in the suburbs” as a youngster. The anonymous poster, who presumably did not spend many of his/her formative years in the schools of England, went on to add “someone in UKA who does understand the British public needs to have a quiet word”. ‘Outlook’, clearly horrified by the situation, added: “there is wacky backy and hash cake on sale in every city centre bar”. This, coupled with his “suicidal” backing of Chambers, clearly proves that Van Commenee must have spent his entire childhood doped up and is now causing “Women’s Institute types [to be] switching off their televisions in disgust” [‘Point’ et al.,2010]. One can’t help but feel that the Dutchman’s position is now untenable and his resignation will surely follow.
ISNER AND MAHUT MATCH LONGER THAN RADCLIFFE TRAINING RUN
The Wimbledon tennis match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut lasted longer than one of Paula Radcliffe’s ‘medium length’ runs. The revelation comes as Radcliffe lambasted members of the press for praising the two players’ staying power. “This is the problem with tennis players,” fumed the usually placid Radcliffe, “they stay on court for a little longer than they would have hoped and suddenly they want they earth. It’s pathetic.” Revealing that she has “warmed down for longer than their entire match”, Radcliffe maintained that she did not train too hard. “If other people spent the time I did running, then maybe we wouldn’t be in the mess that we are now in,” she said from her toe strengthening suite, “my injuries are nothing to do with over training.” In an unusually vocal mood, Radcliffe also furiously denied speculation that her next child would be named ‘Nike’.
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
PANIC AS CRAGG UPLOADS LATE
Police in the United States became embroiled in an international crisis at the weekend, after Luke Cragg uploaded his training diary to the popular running forum, Eightlane some three hours late. The delay prompted widespread speculation that the legendary "L.C" had ditched his roots in a bid to take athletics more seriously. The website crashed on Sunday evening, after thousands of anonymous posters were quick to either pledge their support or stab him in the back- depending on whether he had run well or not. One poster- who used the mystery name 'interested'- slammed the 5k star asking "what has he ever really achieved?" Another, 'sad day', attacked his fellow poster saying "shuttup [sic] interested, you looser [sic]- if he ever raced you then i rekon [sic] he would definately [sic] beat you." Yet more were quick to question the American-based man's loyalty to the UK. "You can't knock the guy for what he has achieved, but I think that he betrayed his country by moving to the States. And now by not posting his training anymore," opined 'Balanced', "it suggests something really sinister. Maybe he should be arrested for treason or something- but I doubt this new Government will care that much, because athletics is such a low priority- this would never have happened in the 1980s". Meanwhile, others questioned "the length of American tracks" and said that "their [sic] are loads of examples of guys who have run well in America- but they're not really any good".
Sanity and calm was brought to the forum when the main man himself posted his training with a note stating that he was "really sorry." Cragg continued, "I was driving home from practice and ran out of gas. Sorry y'all, I didn't mean to freak you out". Eightlaners were then free to turn their attention to attacking other athletes such as Mo Farah (who is "a waster") and Sebastian Coe (who "never did much after going to Loughborough" and is "smug"). George Gandy and his Loughborough regime also came in for a lot of stick recently after some of his "shit" athletes were permitted races in the recent Loughborough International. This is not the first time Gandy has felt the wrath of the forum. Not so long ago, someone called 'l'boro lover' was thoroughly indignant, "how far will Gandy go to get someone in the team[?]", he/she thundered, "how many L'boro athletes made Student teams when they shouldn't..at [sic] others missed out?" Alasdair Donaldson, Gandy's official spokesperson, said that the guru would not be entertaining "the musings of a bunch of nobodies who should really find something better to do." To this end, Mr. Gandy has the Echo's full support- but concern is growing as to whether he will receive similar backing from 'Cod Liver Oil'. We can but hope.
Sanity and calm was brought to the forum when the main man himself posted his training with a note stating that he was "really sorry." Cragg continued, "I was driving home from practice and ran out of gas. Sorry y'all, I didn't mean to freak you out". Eightlaners were then free to turn their attention to attacking other athletes such as Mo Farah (who is "a waster") and Sebastian Coe (who "never did much after going to Loughborough" and is "smug"). George Gandy and his Loughborough regime also came in for a lot of stick recently after some of his "shit" athletes were permitted races in the recent Loughborough International. This is not the first time Gandy has felt the wrath of the forum. Not so long ago, someone called 'l'boro lover' was thoroughly indignant, "how far will Gandy go to get someone in the team[?]", he/she thundered, "how many L'boro athletes made Student teams when they shouldn't..at [sic] others missed out?" Alasdair Donaldson, Gandy's official spokesperson, said that the guru would not be entertaining "the musings of a bunch of nobodies who should really find something better to do." To this end, Mr. Gandy has the Echo's full support- but concern is growing as to whether he will receive similar backing from 'Cod Liver Oil'. We can but hope.
Thursday, 20 May 2010
NEWS IN BRIEF
GIRO CYCLIST TESTS NEGATIVE SHOCK
An unnamed cyclist has returned a negative ‘A’ Sample, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The top level competitor returned the test after Stage Six of the Giro d’Italia, but the authorities are awaiting the results of the ‘B’ Sample before naming him. “Obviously this is a shock,” said a cycling insider, “this sport has built its reputation a string of failed tests and corruption. Incidents like this only serve to give the public a mixed message.” The news of the test result has sent shockwaves through the entire world of sport, with many sporting chiefs calling for a “fundamental overhaul” of testing procedure. A senior source at the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) said that a “culture of fear” now existed within the organisation. “We can’t go on like this,” he explained, “if athletes keep passing tests, it is only a matter of time before the public start losing interest and then we’ll all be out of job.” A spokesman for the Tour de France said that he was “unconcerned” by this morning’s revelations. “I am pretty confident the Tour will have its usual share of drug scandals,” said an aide to the Tour supremo, “we’re bound to get the occasional blip, but on the whole cycling still remains the dirtiest sport in the world and I am certain that it will stay that way.” Today’s news comes just weeks after Alberto Contador stunned team mates by confessing that he “got no artificial help” during last year’s Tour victory. Officials at Astana [Contador’s team] have maintained that the Spaniard was “just letting off steam” and most certainly was not on the record. A source continued, “Vino [Alexander Vinokourov, who failed a blood test in 2008] is back this year anyway and so our reputation as a corrupt team in a corrupt sport should remain intact.”
BEKELE HAS ‘SWEET PROBLEM’
He may be the fastest 5,000m and 10,000m runner of all time, but in an exclusive interview with the Lufbra Echo, close friends of Kenenisa Bekele have conceded that they are “gravely concerned” about his sweet eating habits. “I have known of Ken for a few months now,” said one respondent, “and he always looks very defensive of his sweets.....Haribo seem to be a particular problem.” Another outsider said, “Kenny loves the sour cola bottles and has been known to eat a whole packet in one sitting....that would explain why he suffers with such bad dental health.” Rumours have been circulating around the athletics world for some time regarding the great man’s oral hygiene and these revelations look set to blow the lid on his dark secret. “Why do you think he never smiles?” asked a London-based stranger, “I’ll tell you why- it’s because his front teeth are rotting.” Others have told of how they have pleaded with the Ethiopian to seek help for his addiction. “I have sent several letters to Athletics Ethiopia,” said Tunbridge Wells mother of three, Iva Nojob, “I really think that it is an issue they should be addressing- he isn’t being a very good role model.” Meanwhile, a friend of a lady whose sister once met Bekele’s brother’s friend’s uncle said, “Ken is very much his own man and it is down to him to realise he has a problem and sort it out. I can tell you for sure that no amount of coaxing from me or anyone else will change that stubborn mind”.
2012 IN THE MIRE AS MANDEVILLE FALLS OUT WITH WENLOCK
FURY: Mandeville claims not to have been told about Wenlock prior to launch day
Lord Sebastian Coe was hastily attempting to get preparations for London 2012 back on track this evening, after the two mascots have had what has been described as a “major contretemps”. It is thought that Mandeville (the Paralympics mascot) struck his/her Olympic counterpart in a debate over who looked the most tacky. The former is said to be seething that Wenlock has been allocated “more wristbands” and has called the move “discrimination of the highest order.” The Oxford educated Mandeville claims to have only been informed that he/she was to appear as part of a double act at the “very last minute.” A spokesperson for the Mascot Affairs Directorate (MAD) said, “we have seen similar issues in the past. I know that Zakumi [the FIFA World Cup 2010 mascot] successfully appealed a decision to involve him in a shotgun marriage. It may well be that a similar thing happens here. People need to remember that these guys work very hard for limited pay- they have feelings.” Berlino the Bear (IAAF World Championships in Athletics 2009 mascot) has expressed sympathy with Mandeville’s plight. Speaking from his retirement home in the Caribbean, Berlino said “sometimes it’s tough to share the stage with someone. I found it tough when Usain Bolt raced because everyone would shout ‘Usain, Usain, Usain’ when they would normally be shouting for me.” Berlino also dismissed allegations that featured in several of this morning’s newspapers that he was having an affair with Wenlock. “Utter nonsense,” said the bear, “it’s sad when a career like mine can be tarnished by gutter press.”
An unnamed cyclist has returned a negative ‘A’ Sample, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The top level competitor returned the test after Stage Six of the Giro d’Italia, but the authorities are awaiting the results of the ‘B’ Sample before naming him. “Obviously this is a shock,” said a cycling insider, “this sport has built its reputation a string of failed tests and corruption. Incidents like this only serve to give the public a mixed message.” The news of the test result has sent shockwaves through the entire world of sport, with many sporting chiefs calling for a “fundamental overhaul” of testing procedure. A senior source at the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) said that a “culture of fear” now existed within the organisation. “We can’t go on like this,” he explained, “if athletes keep passing tests, it is only a matter of time before the public start losing interest and then we’ll all be out of job.” A spokesman for the Tour de France said that he was “unconcerned” by this morning’s revelations. “I am pretty confident the Tour will have its usual share of drug scandals,” said an aide to the Tour supremo, “we’re bound to get the occasional blip, but on the whole cycling still remains the dirtiest sport in the world and I am certain that it will stay that way.” Today’s news comes just weeks after Alberto Contador stunned team mates by confessing that he “got no artificial help” during last year’s Tour victory. Officials at Astana [Contador’s team] have maintained that the Spaniard was “just letting off steam” and most certainly was not on the record. A source continued, “Vino [Alexander Vinokourov, who failed a blood test in 2008] is back this year anyway and so our reputation as a corrupt team in a corrupt sport should remain intact.”
BEKELE HAS ‘SWEET PROBLEM’
He may be the fastest 5,000m and 10,000m runner of all time, but in an exclusive interview with the Lufbra Echo, close friends of Kenenisa Bekele have conceded that they are “gravely concerned” about his sweet eating habits. “I have known of Ken for a few months now,” said one respondent, “and he always looks very defensive of his sweets.....Haribo seem to be a particular problem.” Another outsider said, “Kenny loves the sour cola bottles and has been known to eat a whole packet in one sitting....that would explain why he suffers with such bad dental health.” Rumours have been circulating around the athletics world for some time regarding the great man’s oral hygiene and these revelations look set to blow the lid on his dark secret. “Why do you think he never smiles?” asked a London-based stranger, “I’ll tell you why- it’s because his front teeth are rotting.” Others have told of how they have pleaded with the Ethiopian to seek help for his addiction. “I have sent several letters to Athletics Ethiopia,” said Tunbridge Wells mother of three, Iva Nojob, “I really think that it is an issue they should be addressing- he isn’t being a very good role model.” Meanwhile, a friend of a lady whose sister once met Bekele’s brother’s friend’s uncle said, “Ken is very much his own man and it is down to him to realise he has a problem and sort it out. I can tell you for sure that no amount of coaxing from me or anyone else will change that stubborn mind”.
2012 IN THE MIRE AS MANDEVILLE FALLS OUT WITH WENLOCK
FURY: Mandeville claims not to have been told about Wenlock prior to launch day
Lord Sebastian Coe was hastily attempting to get preparations for London 2012 back on track this evening, after the two mascots have had what has been described as a “major contretemps”. It is thought that Mandeville (the Paralympics mascot) struck his/her Olympic counterpart in a debate over who looked the most tacky. The former is said to be seething that Wenlock has been allocated “more wristbands” and has called the move “discrimination of the highest order.” The Oxford educated Mandeville claims to have only been informed that he/she was to appear as part of a double act at the “very last minute.” A spokesperson for the Mascot Affairs Directorate (MAD) said, “we have seen similar issues in the past. I know that Zakumi [the FIFA World Cup 2010 mascot] successfully appealed a decision to involve him in a shotgun marriage. It may well be that a similar thing happens here. People need to remember that these guys work very hard for limited pay- they have feelings.” Berlino the Bear (IAAF World Championships in Athletics 2009 mascot) has expressed sympathy with Mandeville’s plight. Speaking from his retirement home in the Caribbean, Berlino said “sometimes it’s tough to share the stage with someone. I found it tough when Usain Bolt raced because everyone would shout ‘Usain, Usain, Usain’ when they would normally be shouting for me.” Berlino also dismissed allegations that featured in several of this morning’s newspapers that he was having an affair with Wenlock. “Utter nonsense,” said the bear, “it’s sad when a career like mine can be tarnished by gutter press.”
Saturday, 15 May 2010
COE SET TO WIELD AXE AS TORY CUTS START TO BITE
Sebastian Coe has today revealed the 2012 Games “will not and should not” be exempt from the forthcoming public service cuts set out by the new Conservative Government. Speaking from a press conference outside Downing Street (where he had met with Dave and/or Nick), his Lordship conceded that plans were already falling into place. “We cannot kid ourselves,” said William Hague’s former ‘Chief of Staff’, “the public purse is in a mess and it is our responsibility to do something about it”. Coe refused to be drawn on speculation surrounding where the cuts would be made, but the Lufbra Echo yesterday revealed that the former world record holder was “seriously thinking about” opting for a grass track in order to make the Olympics “greener”. An insider told this morning how Coe and the LOCOG board had “been shopping in Wilkinson’s” in search of a cheap set of medals. “Lord Coe is hoping that by buying in bulk we will save a packet,” said one of the Lord’s senior aides, “he’s really quite set on the idea.”
Meanwhile, other sources have leaked news that the one hundred metres may be reduced to 95 in order to save some money. “This is a 5% reduction,” enthused a BOA insider, “and we have not ruled out downsizing other events. I know that there is a general feeling that the marathon is too long anyway- we’re thinking about just saying the winner of the London Marathon [in April] is the Olympic Champion- it will save a lot of hassle.” It also looks certain that “almost all” the women’s Track and Field events will be cancelled. Our source went on, “would you really miss them? We sat in Beijing and thought ‘what a waste of time!’ They’re slower and duller than the men....most aren’t even that attractive”.
Downing Street also refused to deny speculation that the Government was set to cancel the Olympics altogether. A story set to be printed in a Sunday newspaper reveals how the new administration is “looking to postpone the Games to a more economically convenient time.” A Whitehall source said, “telephone calls have been made. We have looked at trying to loan the Games out to some other country that has loads of money. Like Greece, for example”.
It was confirmed last week that plans to have Dame Kelly Holmes present some of the medals were scrapped after the great Dame demanded a £300,000 payment per medal as well as helicopter transport to and from each ceremony. It is thought that the incoming Culture Minister, Jeremy Hunt (who was a Conservative at the time of writing), was fuming when he discovered such an astronomical sum was being mooted. Hunt has also vetoed demands by Usain Bolt that there be “a chicken nugget outlet on every corner” on the grounds that it was extortionate.
It seems that Bolt will not be the only athlete to be disappointed with the feeding arrangements. Newly appointed Prime Minister David Cameron (and/or Nick Clegg, delete as appropriate) has indicated that it is likely that ASDA will provide “two meals a day, maximum” for each athlete. Horrified by the thought of having to eat such rubbish, Andrew Lemoncello has “ruled himself out” of the Games. A Lemoncello source said, “Andrew is clear on this- ASDA’s green colours naturally offend him and the Olympics really isn’t that high on his list of priorities anyway”.
Elsewhere, Ryanair has been confirmed as the “Official Airline” of the 2012 Olympics.
Meanwhile, other sources have leaked news that the one hundred metres may be reduced to 95 in order to save some money. “This is a 5% reduction,” enthused a BOA insider, “and we have not ruled out downsizing other events. I know that there is a general feeling that the marathon is too long anyway- we’re thinking about just saying the winner of the London Marathon [in April] is the Olympic Champion- it will save a lot of hassle.” It also looks certain that “almost all” the women’s Track and Field events will be cancelled. Our source went on, “would you really miss them? We sat in Beijing and thought ‘what a waste of time!’ They’re slower and duller than the men....most aren’t even that attractive”.
Downing Street also refused to deny speculation that the Government was set to cancel the Olympics altogether. A story set to be printed in a Sunday newspaper reveals how the new administration is “looking to postpone the Games to a more economically convenient time.” A Whitehall source said, “telephone calls have been made. We have looked at trying to loan the Games out to some other country that has loads of money. Like Greece, for example”.
It was confirmed last week that plans to have Dame Kelly Holmes present some of the medals were scrapped after the great Dame demanded a £300,000 payment per medal as well as helicopter transport to and from each ceremony. It is thought that the incoming Culture Minister, Jeremy Hunt (who was a Conservative at the time of writing), was fuming when he discovered such an astronomical sum was being mooted. Hunt has also vetoed demands by Usain Bolt that there be “a chicken nugget outlet on every corner” on the grounds that it was extortionate.
It seems that Bolt will not be the only athlete to be disappointed with the feeding arrangements. Newly appointed Prime Minister David Cameron (and/or Nick Clegg, delete as appropriate) has indicated that it is likely that ASDA will provide “two meals a day, maximum” for each athlete. Horrified by the thought of having to eat such rubbish, Andrew Lemoncello has “ruled himself out” of the Games. A Lemoncello source said, “Andrew is clear on this- ASDA’s green colours naturally offend him and the Olympics really isn’t that high on his list of priorities anyway”.
Elsewhere, Ryanair has been confirmed as the “Official Airline” of the 2012 Olympics.
Friday, 14 May 2010
THE WEEK IN PICTURES
OBAMA SHARES THE GOOD NEWS
McLEOD REGRETS ATTEMPTING TO 'FLY HIMSELF' HOME
GANDY REQUESTS CABINET POSITION
COE IN SHOCK ANNOUNCEMENT
McLEOD REGRETS ATTEMPTING TO 'FLY HIMSELF' HOME
GANDY REQUESTS CABINET POSITION
COE IN SHOCK ANNOUNCEMENT
Thursday, 13 May 2010
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL: LSAC ELECTIONS 2010
WARBURTON CAMPAIGN IN TATTERS AFTER OFFICIAL BUST-UP
Chris Warburton has had to shelve ambitions to become LSAC’s new Secretary of Committee for the Alumni after a 5 minute rant at “officious nobodies” during last night’s opening Loughborough Midweek. The 1500m star was “shocked and disappointed” by the tone of voice adopted by the timekeepers' assistant reading out the lap splits during his race. “There was no support in there,” fumed the eventual race winner, “it was like she wasn’t interested or didn’t care. Frankly I felt as if she wanted to be any place else but watching me run.” The Notts AC man was also upset by what he called a “tactical” false start from bitter rival Stephen Emery. “There should be laws against that sort of behaviour,” thundered the 3:39 man, “the truth is that the starter bottled it. Emery should have been out on his ear, no question.” In extraordinary scenes at Loughborough’s track last night, Warburton had to be dragged from the Meeting Referee by fellow athletes and announced shortly afterwards that he would not be standing for Committee representation. In his statement, the 27 year-old refused to apologise for his actions and called for a “fundamental review” of the officiating in the UK. “It’s time we got some competent people in to do this job,” he said, “this sort of amateur nonsense just won’t do.”
STEWART BACKS HIMSELF FOR PRESIDENTIAL ROLE
In a strange interview given exclusively to the Lufbra Echo last night, UKA’s Director of Endurance seemed to throw his hat into the ring for a Presidential campaign. It had long been assumed that Sophie Thomas- the current Secretary of Committee for making the tea- would run for the position unopposed, but the UKA supremo last night boasted of his “f******g superb record” in athlete management. “Nobody could do that job but me,” said Stewart from last night’s Midweek meet, “I am the only f******g candidate. Who is this f******g woman going for it? Are you f******g serious?” Stewart’s words have left many scrambling for the Loughborough Students Athletic Club Constitution which is said to be “vague at best” on whether an outsider could be appointed. A club historian said, “it certainly would be the most extraordinary development since the Coe-Moorcroft coalition in the 1980s.” It is not yet clear whether the Scot was being serious in his interview, but he did reserve strong words for “whoever was f******g responsible for making these f******g awful sandwiches”. Alasdair Donaldson has since apologised.
STOTT CALLS FOR ICE REVIEW
Luke Stott, the current Secretary of Committee for not doing very much, has said that if he were to become the new Secretary of Committee for doing even less (Track and Field Captain), he would chair an investigation into the “substandard” ice quality in Loughborough. “If we are to remain at the top of our game,” said the sprinter, “we really need to address the ice machines.” It seems that many of Loughborough’s sprint community have slammed the current ice arrangements as they “are too cold”. Echo favourite James Dasaolu recently threw an ice bag across the plyometric mat after a well meaning physio applied it to his hurt leg. An insider revealed that the coldness of the ice “had come as a complete surprise” to Dasaolou, who demanded someone fetch him some “warm ice”.
FLANNERY SET TO “CLEAN UP MESS” AS MATTHEWS SEEKS PROMOTION
Keiran Flannery has stated that it is his “constitutional duty” to remain as Secretary of Committee for (not) delivering the kit. The 800m star had offered his resignation from the disastrous coalition with Pete Matthews after the kit did not arrive. However launching his campaign manifesto today, Flannery indicated that he felt the experience of the past year would “serve him well” in taking the kit situation forward. “I know what it’s like to be at the lowest point,” said Flannery to an excited crowd of more than 4, “I know how to make this club’s kit great again. I got you into this and I can get you out of it.”
It has become clear that Pete Matthews will not be following his former partner’s example and has instead opted to campaign to become the joint new Secretary of Committee for drunkenness with Andrew Mariani. Matthews claims to be well qualified for the role by being “an all round great guy”, however some would question his suitability given that he gave close friends “roughly a five percent chance” of making the BUCS final. One close source, who asked not to be named, said “Matthews has a dark side and is committed to being at the top. He will crawl over dead bodies to get there”. The former GB International (Mountain Running) used his CV to indicate that he was “very unlucky” to miss out on being appointed Head Boy whilst at school, but has obtained Grades 1, 2 and 3 on the piano. Potential voters are also informed of the “prestigious” institutions to which Matthews was invited to attend before opting for Loughborough. Our source continued, “frankly, I wish he’d taken up one of those other offers- it would’ve saved us all some trouble”.
BRADBURY EYES VP ROLE
Gary Bradbury has pledged to “bring a bit of talent” to the committee if he was to be elected as the Vice President, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The so far unconfirmed VP candidate told friends and activists that his rivals “should never underestimate the determination of a quiet man”. The outgoing (and largely disgraced) President Rob Hodges made no secret of his desire to see “a man of Bradbury’s ilk” in his last Committee. Hodges told the Echo that he would be “delighted” if Bradbury chose to run. “To be honest,” said the President, “I have looked at the current nominations list and it contains a bunch of no hopers. We need an athlete of Gary’s calibre to advertise ourselves to the world.” The largely ceremonial role of Vice President involves chairing committee meetings and President’s Questions when the President is away on Club business as well as carrying the Presidential Spikes to race meetings. Hodges revealed that he attempted to use the 25th Amendment to the Club Constitution to get Bradbury “in through the back door” last year. “It didn’t work out,” said the premiere, “you see the Gary and I sometimes race together and the President and Vice President can never travel together.” Publicly, Bradbury was remaining coy this morning- but insiders are said to be gearing up with a “hard hitting” campaign manifesto.
Chris Warburton has had to shelve ambitions to become LSAC’s new Secretary of Committee for the Alumni after a 5 minute rant at “officious nobodies” during last night’s opening Loughborough Midweek. The 1500m star was “shocked and disappointed” by the tone of voice adopted by the timekeepers' assistant reading out the lap splits during his race. “There was no support in there,” fumed the eventual race winner, “it was like she wasn’t interested or didn’t care. Frankly I felt as if she wanted to be any place else but watching me run.” The Notts AC man was also upset by what he called a “tactical” false start from bitter rival Stephen Emery. “There should be laws against that sort of behaviour,” thundered the 3:39 man, “the truth is that the starter bottled it. Emery should have been out on his ear, no question.” In extraordinary scenes at Loughborough’s track last night, Warburton had to be dragged from the Meeting Referee by fellow athletes and announced shortly afterwards that he would not be standing for Committee representation. In his statement, the 27 year-old refused to apologise for his actions and called for a “fundamental review” of the officiating in the UK. “It’s time we got some competent people in to do this job,” he said, “this sort of amateur nonsense just won’t do.”
STEWART BACKS HIMSELF FOR PRESIDENTIAL ROLE
In a strange interview given exclusively to the Lufbra Echo last night, UKA’s Director of Endurance seemed to throw his hat into the ring for a Presidential campaign. It had long been assumed that Sophie Thomas- the current Secretary of Committee for making the tea- would run for the position unopposed, but the UKA supremo last night boasted of his “f******g superb record” in athlete management. “Nobody could do that job but me,” said Stewart from last night’s Midweek meet, “I am the only f******g candidate. Who is this f******g woman going for it? Are you f******g serious?” Stewart’s words have left many scrambling for the Loughborough Students Athletic Club Constitution which is said to be “vague at best” on whether an outsider could be appointed. A club historian said, “it certainly would be the most extraordinary development since the Coe-Moorcroft coalition in the 1980s.” It is not yet clear whether the Scot was being serious in his interview, but he did reserve strong words for “whoever was f******g responsible for making these f******g awful sandwiches”. Alasdair Donaldson has since apologised.
STOTT CALLS FOR ICE REVIEW
Luke Stott, the current Secretary of Committee for not doing very much, has said that if he were to become the new Secretary of Committee for doing even less (Track and Field Captain), he would chair an investigation into the “substandard” ice quality in Loughborough. “If we are to remain at the top of our game,” said the sprinter, “we really need to address the ice machines.” It seems that many of Loughborough’s sprint community have slammed the current ice arrangements as they “are too cold”. Echo favourite James Dasaolu recently threw an ice bag across the plyometric mat after a well meaning physio applied it to his hurt leg. An insider revealed that the coldness of the ice “had come as a complete surprise” to Dasaolou, who demanded someone fetch him some “warm ice”.
FLANNERY SET TO “CLEAN UP MESS” AS MATTHEWS SEEKS PROMOTION
Keiran Flannery has stated that it is his “constitutional duty” to remain as Secretary of Committee for (not) delivering the kit. The 800m star had offered his resignation from the disastrous coalition with Pete Matthews after the kit did not arrive. However launching his campaign manifesto today, Flannery indicated that he felt the experience of the past year would “serve him well” in taking the kit situation forward. “I know what it’s like to be at the lowest point,” said Flannery to an excited crowd of more than 4, “I know how to make this club’s kit great again. I got you into this and I can get you out of it.”
It has become clear that Pete Matthews will not be following his former partner’s example and has instead opted to campaign to become the joint new Secretary of Committee for drunkenness with Andrew Mariani. Matthews claims to be well qualified for the role by being “an all round great guy”, however some would question his suitability given that he gave close friends “roughly a five percent chance” of making the BUCS final. One close source, who asked not to be named, said “Matthews has a dark side and is committed to being at the top. He will crawl over dead bodies to get there”. The former GB International (Mountain Running) used his CV to indicate that he was “very unlucky” to miss out on being appointed Head Boy whilst at school, but has obtained Grades 1, 2 and 3 on the piano. Potential voters are also informed of the “prestigious” institutions to which Matthews was invited to attend before opting for Loughborough. Our source continued, “frankly, I wish he’d taken up one of those other offers- it would’ve saved us all some trouble”.
BRADBURY EYES VP ROLE
Gary Bradbury has pledged to “bring a bit of talent” to the committee if he was to be elected as the Vice President, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The so far unconfirmed VP candidate told friends and activists that his rivals “should never underestimate the determination of a quiet man”. The outgoing (and largely disgraced) President Rob Hodges made no secret of his desire to see “a man of Bradbury’s ilk” in his last Committee. Hodges told the Echo that he would be “delighted” if Bradbury chose to run. “To be honest,” said the President, “I have looked at the current nominations list and it contains a bunch of no hopers. We need an athlete of Gary’s calibre to advertise ourselves to the world.” The largely ceremonial role of Vice President involves chairing committee meetings and President’s Questions when the President is away on Club business as well as carrying the Presidential Spikes to race meetings. Hodges revealed that he attempted to use the 25th Amendment to the Club Constitution to get Bradbury “in through the back door” last year. “It didn’t work out,” said the premiere, “you see the Gary and I sometimes race together and the President and Vice President can never travel together.” Publicly, Bradbury was remaining coy this morning- but insiders are said to be gearing up with a “hard hitting” campaign manifesto.
Monday, 29 March 2010
NEWS ROUND-UP
LOUGHBOROUGH ELITE ARRIVE SAFELY IN PORTUGAL DESPITE PRIVACY SCARE
Loughborough’s top athletes have landed in Portugal and are “ready to commence a tough period of training” according to insiders. This comes as plans for the trip were thrown into chaos late on Sunday evening after security officials spotted St. Mary’s and Birmingham spies in the area where George Gandy’s athletes are due to train. Our source went on, “it was all off at one stage. George said that he would not tolerate any intrusion whatsoever. Our team spotted a Birmingham lecturer strolling around the track....it seems that Mick Woods came himself.” As a result of the breach, significant restrictions are set to be placed on coverage of the training camp. “All rooms will be swept for bugs twice a day,” confirmed Loughborough’s Director of Security, “and the media will only be permitted to speak to our guys in the presence of a member of staff.” Gandy, who is not to join his group until Wednesday, was keen to play down the incident. Speaking from a press conference, the guru said “to be honest I am just relieved that Ryan McLeod didn’t lose his passport this time. Everything’s set for some good work.”
ECHO SECURES EXCLUSIVE PORTUGAL DEAL
The Lufbra Echo is delighted to announce that it will have exclusive access to the Loughborough training camp in Portugal this Easter. Despite a tightening in security (which resulted in the BBC being barred), we have negotiated unprecedented access to the African Violets ahead of their pivotal track campaign. The Echo’s Chief Executive (who always remains nameless) said that he was “thrilled” by the deal. “Earlier this month, we announced some coverage of the camp, but this goes further than ever before. It is a very exciting time to be an Echo reader!” Whilst nothing is confirmed yet, it is rumoured that readers can look forward to exclusive interviews with stars such as Pete Matthews, Stephen Emery and Ryan McLeod. Despite losing out to bitter rival, the Liverpool Echo for the principle “Northern Package”, we are pleased to announce that we have first refusal on scraps surrounding the “Liverpool lads” track preparation. Our chief explained, “the alliance with Adam Peers is really paying off now. We hope to be able to bring snippets such as Johnny Mellor’s vest choice, as well as a look at what spikes he will be wearing this season!”
COE IN WEATHER PLEDGE
Lord Sebastian Coe will be banning bad weather at the London 2012 Olympic Games. The Chairman of LOCOG announced the developments after “extensive talks with the relevant authorities”. “This is fantastic news” enthused the former 800m World Record holder, “by making rain and snow illegal it will guarantee the success of important events such as the beach volleyball....it is of vital importance that that goes ahead as planned.” Opponents of the scheme have argued that Coe has not gone far enough. “Sure, this will bring an end to rain and snow- but it does nothing to prevent the possibility of grey and overcast days,” said Steve Ovett, “London looks rubbish then and we will gain nothing. And what if it’s cold? Then the beach volleyball girls will have to cover up and then the whole Games might as well be cancelled.” Lord Coe did not reveal how he was able to succeed where others (such as the organisers of Wimbledon) have failed, but did concede that it was “very unlikely” that similar deal would be available for the Paralympics.
YELLING BLAMES ‘UNDERACHIEVING STUDENTS’ FOR WORLD CROSS DISASTER
Hayley Yelling, the European Cross Country Champion, has blamed her remarkably poor performance at the World Cross Country Championships on a group of Year 11 pupils. The Maths teacher, who was the last Brit home, said that she was “really quite shocked” at her charges’ lack of ability with numbers. “Pythagoras Theorem is a no go area and basic algebra completely throws them.” Yelling said that she received a threat from her head teacher is the blundering students did not pick up their act. “He said that the school had a proud reputation and that Year 11 Set Z was completely ruining it....it was on my mind the whole race weekend.”
Loughborough’s top athletes have landed in Portugal and are “ready to commence a tough period of training” according to insiders. This comes as plans for the trip were thrown into chaos late on Sunday evening after security officials spotted St. Mary’s and Birmingham spies in the area where George Gandy’s athletes are due to train. Our source went on, “it was all off at one stage. George said that he would not tolerate any intrusion whatsoever. Our team spotted a Birmingham lecturer strolling around the track....it seems that Mick Woods came himself.” As a result of the breach, significant restrictions are set to be placed on coverage of the training camp. “All rooms will be swept for bugs twice a day,” confirmed Loughborough’s Director of Security, “and the media will only be permitted to speak to our guys in the presence of a member of staff.” Gandy, who is not to join his group until Wednesday, was keen to play down the incident. Speaking from a press conference, the guru said “to be honest I am just relieved that Ryan McLeod didn’t lose his passport this time. Everything’s set for some good work.”
ECHO SECURES EXCLUSIVE PORTUGAL DEAL
The Lufbra Echo is delighted to announce that it will have exclusive access to the Loughborough training camp in Portugal this Easter. Despite a tightening in security (which resulted in the BBC being barred), we have negotiated unprecedented access to the African Violets ahead of their pivotal track campaign. The Echo’s Chief Executive (who always remains nameless) said that he was “thrilled” by the deal. “Earlier this month, we announced some coverage of the camp, but this goes further than ever before. It is a very exciting time to be an Echo reader!” Whilst nothing is confirmed yet, it is rumoured that readers can look forward to exclusive interviews with stars such as Pete Matthews, Stephen Emery and Ryan McLeod. Despite losing out to bitter rival, the Liverpool Echo for the principle “Northern Package”, we are pleased to announce that we have first refusal on scraps surrounding the “Liverpool lads” track preparation. Our chief explained, “the alliance with Adam Peers is really paying off now. We hope to be able to bring snippets such as Johnny Mellor’s vest choice, as well as a look at what spikes he will be wearing this season!”
COE IN WEATHER PLEDGE
Lord Sebastian Coe will be banning bad weather at the London 2012 Olympic Games. The Chairman of LOCOG announced the developments after “extensive talks with the relevant authorities”. “This is fantastic news” enthused the former 800m World Record holder, “by making rain and snow illegal it will guarantee the success of important events such as the beach volleyball....it is of vital importance that that goes ahead as planned.” Opponents of the scheme have argued that Coe has not gone far enough. “Sure, this will bring an end to rain and snow- but it does nothing to prevent the possibility of grey and overcast days,” said Steve Ovett, “London looks rubbish then and we will gain nothing. And what if it’s cold? Then the beach volleyball girls will have to cover up and then the whole Games might as well be cancelled.” Lord Coe did not reveal how he was able to succeed where others (such as the organisers of Wimbledon) have failed, but did concede that it was “very unlikely” that similar deal would be available for the Paralympics.
YELLING BLAMES ‘UNDERACHIEVING STUDENTS’ FOR WORLD CROSS DISASTER
Hayley Yelling, the European Cross Country Champion, has blamed her remarkably poor performance at the World Cross Country Championships on a group of Year 11 pupils. The Maths teacher, who was the last Brit home, said that she was “really quite shocked” at her charges’ lack of ability with numbers. “Pythagoras Theorem is a no go area and basic algebra completely throws them.” Yelling said that she received a threat from her head teacher is the blundering students did not pick up their act. “He said that the school had a proud reputation and that Year 11 Set Z was completely ruining it....it was on my mind the whole race weekend.”
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