Fabio Capello is tonight facing accusations that he is "single handedly killing British athletics". UKA have confirmed that they are set to file a law suit against the under fire England football manager for "undoubtedly being responsible for everything that is wrong with the sport". The Italian - who is also alleged to have caused the financial crisis - has denied any wrongdoing but this is unlikely to cut any ice with a rampaging Ian Stewart.
"We have investigated the matter fully" said Stewart's Deputy Director of Swearing Affairs (North West Region) "and it is all his [Capello's] fault. The miserable way in which he is leading the football team is definitely impacting how our runners are performing." England currently sit atop their European qualifying group, but this is not enough for UKA. "They should be winning every game by at least 10 goals" continued the spokesman "that way at least the athletes would be motivated".
Poor performances towards the back end of last summer have also been explained by the lacklustre display from England in the World Cup. "What more evidence do you need?" said George Gandy's PA, Alasdair Donaldson (who does not have time to read this site) "as soon as England started playing, everyone's heads dropped. When I was in school.....[unfortunately, the dictaphone then run out of battery]".
The UKA legal team will be asking for "at least £25m" in compensation from Capello personally. The FA will be separately sued for "recklessly" employing Capello.
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Showing posts with label Football. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Football. Show all posts
Monday, 28 March 2011
Monday, 24 January 2011
NEWS ROUND UP
PICK A CLUB, ANY CLUB
Isn't it funny how short the memories of football journalists and followers are? Back in November, TalkSport presenters Mike Parry and Mike Graham kept everything in perspective by declaring the decision not to award England the World Cup in 2018 "the darkest day in [their] lives". Acres of column spaces was wasted by football journos waxing lyrical about "broken promises" and "dirty deals". Would this be the very same sport that is now putting forward a proposal to U-turn on the explicit promises of the 2012 bid team by removing the running track from the Olympic Stadium? It jolly well would. Always famed for his insight, Lawrie Sanchez told the BBC that "football and athletics don't work together. That's a fact". Interesting as AC and Inter Milan, along with Bayern Munich and numerous other successful European clubs would probably disagree.
THE BRADY BUNCH
"It makes my blood boil to be honest" thundered Birmingham City FC Vice-Chairperson Karren Brady on BBC Radio Five Live this morning of Andy Gray and Richard Keys's remarks about female officials: "I don't think any of the comments are anything other than [sexism]". Brady went on to advocate "equality in the workplace" and harrumphed that women just are not taken seriously in her industry. That would be the same Karren Brady who works with noted pornographers David Sullivan and David Gold (a profession famed for its refusal to objectify females) and employs a workforce of "75% women". Now that's equality in action!
WHY KIDS TURN AWAY FROM CROSS COUNTRY: THE DEFINITIVE ANSWER
Parliament Hill
PETE MATTHEWS: A CLARIFICATION
It has been brought to our attention that in recent additions of the Lufbra Echo we have suggested that Pete Matthews is an overweight, useless, desperate, annoying, self-important, deluded, unpleasant, unnecessary, talentless waste of space. We are aghast at such a suggestion and in light of the fact that he has performed averagely well at a number of races, we would like to clarify that at no time did we intend to portray Pete as an overweight, useless, desperate, annoying, self-important, deluded, unpleasant, unnecessary, talentless waste of space. It has always been our position that Pete is average and unremarkable at everything that he does in the running domain. There are some who will say 'that Matthews lad is just an overweight, useless, desperate, annoying, self-important, deluded, unpleasant, unnecessary, talentless waste of space' - we at the Echo feel (and always have felt) that this is most unfair and would like to pledge our unwavering support to his continued endeavour to avoid being classed as an overweight, useless, desperate, annoying, self-important, deluded, unpleasant, unnecessary, talentless waste of space.
Isn't it funny how short the memories of football journalists and followers are? Back in November, TalkSport presenters Mike Parry and Mike Graham kept everything in perspective by declaring the decision not to award England the World Cup in 2018 "the darkest day in [their] lives". Acres of column spaces was wasted by football journos waxing lyrical about "broken promises" and "dirty deals". Would this be the very same sport that is now putting forward a proposal to U-turn on the explicit promises of the 2012 bid team by removing the running track from the Olympic Stadium? It jolly well would. Always famed for his insight, Lawrie Sanchez told the BBC that "football and athletics don't work together. That's a fact". Interesting as AC and Inter Milan, along with Bayern Munich and numerous other successful European clubs would probably disagree.
THE BRADY BUNCH
"It makes my blood boil to be honest" thundered Birmingham City FC Vice-Chairperson Karren Brady on BBC Radio Five Live this morning of Andy Gray and Richard Keys's remarks about female officials: "I don't think any of the comments are anything other than [sexism]". Brady went on to advocate "equality in the workplace" and harrumphed that women just are not taken seriously in her industry. That would be the same Karren Brady who works with noted pornographers David Sullivan and David Gold (a profession famed for its refusal to objectify females) and employs a workforce of "75% women". Now that's equality in action!
WHY KIDS TURN AWAY FROM CROSS COUNTRY: THE DEFINITIVE ANSWER
Parliament Hill
PETE MATTHEWS: A CLARIFICATION
It has been brought to our attention that in recent additions of the Lufbra Echo we have suggested that Pete Matthews is an overweight, useless, desperate, annoying, self-important, deluded, unpleasant, unnecessary, talentless waste of space. We are aghast at such a suggestion and in light of the fact that he has performed averagely well at a number of races, we would like to clarify that at no time did we intend to portray Pete as an overweight, useless, desperate, annoying, self-important, deluded, unpleasant, unnecessary, talentless waste of space. It has always been our position that Pete is average and unremarkable at everything that he does in the running domain. There are some who will say 'that Matthews lad is just an overweight, useless, desperate, annoying, self-important, deluded, unpleasant, unnecessary, talentless waste of space' - we at the Echo feel (and always have felt) that this is most unfair and would like to pledge our unwavering support to his continued endeavour to avoid being classed as an overweight, useless, desperate, annoying, self-important, deluded, unpleasant, unnecessary, talentless waste of space.
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
NEW AGE FOR SKY AS MNF RETURNS
It isn’t athletics but it should be. Sky’s brand spanking new series of Monday Night Football returned to our screens last week and it didn’t half do it in style. Richard Keys and Andy Gray put the footballing world to rights with the very latest gadgets and gismos including – as we discovered this week – an indoor mini-pitch. “We don’t really need technology for this, do we?” pondered Keys of one incident. The usually perfectly sensible anchor was surely speaking somewhat ironically given that the whole premise of this ridiculous and unnecessary hour long build-up to the Monday Night match relies on pointless and malfunctioning technology. This week, the “boys downstairs” ran a Stoke non-goal through a computer that magically removed all the other players on the pitch clearly showing that the ball was over the line. “He [referee Chris Foy] will know in his heart of hearts that he should have got that right,” opined Gray of the incident lasting less than a second, having had the opportunity to look at it several million times from several million angles.
Elsewhere, the problem of penalties was thoroughly addressed. “Is the balance of power shifting towards keepers?” asked Keys, “Why?” snapped Gray. Err, because more are being saved than ever before. “Here we have a left footed goalkeeper,” puzzled Keys, “who chooses to dive to the left. Anything in that theory?” Five minutes, probably 30 researcher hours, several thousand pounds and a tired audience later, it was concluded that keepers may or may not be advantaged at the moment and amazingly there may just be something in Keynes’ theory. “So what I’m saying is,” said Gray in a light bulb moment, “if a keeper goes the right way, he has a chance of saving it.” Right, well that’s money well spent then. Afterwards, as if desperate to justify his £25,000 per week price tag, Gray revealed that he had “been thinking about penalties for a couple of weeks.” Uh oh! Sounds dangerous. Indeed it was: “I’m right handed, Richard, so I would go to my right….I’ve been talking to the lads in the office all day….and it’s noticeable that the keepers who are right handed went big right.” Ok fine, but what about Ben Foster? He’s left footed isn’t he? And yet he went right. “Yes, but is he right handed? I was left footed and right handed.” Phew.
Here comes the tenuous link! Wouldn’t it be great if the BBC invested in the same technology for their athletics coverage? Steve Cram and Brendan Foster could thrash out the complexities of the Bekele kick on a virtual track, Jonathon Edwards could thoroughly examine Philips Idowu’s take off having removed everything except his spike. Colin Jackson could play with the heights of the hurdles to debate whether if they were an inch taller, David Oliver would be as proficient. The possibilities are endless. Surely even Phil Jones could use it; a crowd-o-metre could measure “supporter impact” and then comparisons could be drawn with other crowds around the world. Inverdale could be seen hovering above the stadium, conducting things in his Godfather-like way, whilst Denise Lewis could….well, there are always going to be some flaws.
It surely won’t be long before grumblings emerge about the lack of technology in the Beeb’s coverage. The very least they should get is one of the snazzy new iPads that Keys has replaced his clip-board with, even if it was deemed “a bit heavy” last week. Watch this space.
Elsewhere, the problem of penalties was thoroughly addressed. “Is the balance of power shifting towards keepers?” asked Keys, “Why?” snapped Gray. Err, because more are being saved than ever before. “Here we have a left footed goalkeeper,” puzzled Keys, “who chooses to dive to the left. Anything in that theory?” Five minutes, probably 30 researcher hours, several thousand pounds and a tired audience later, it was concluded that keepers may or may not be advantaged at the moment and amazingly there may just be something in Keynes’ theory. “So what I’m saying is,” said Gray in a light bulb moment, “if a keeper goes the right way, he has a chance of saving it.” Right, well that’s money well spent then. Afterwards, as if desperate to justify his £25,000 per week price tag, Gray revealed that he had “been thinking about penalties for a couple of weeks.” Uh oh! Sounds dangerous. Indeed it was: “I’m right handed, Richard, so I would go to my right….I’ve been talking to the lads in the office all day….and it’s noticeable that the keepers who are right handed went big right.” Ok fine, but what about Ben Foster? He’s left footed isn’t he? And yet he went right. “Yes, but is he right handed? I was left footed and right handed.” Phew.
Here comes the tenuous link! Wouldn’t it be great if the BBC invested in the same technology for their athletics coverage? Steve Cram and Brendan Foster could thrash out the complexities of the Bekele kick on a virtual track, Jonathon Edwards could thoroughly examine Philips Idowu’s take off having removed everything except his spike. Colin Jackson could play with the heights of the hurdles to debate whether if they were an inch taller, David Oliver would be as proficient. The possibilities are endless. Surely even Phil Jones could use it; a crowd-o-metre could measure “supporter impact” and then comparisons could be drawn with other crowds around the world. Inverdale could be seen hovering above the stadium, conducting things in his Godfather-like way, whilst Denise Lewis could….well, there are always going to be some flaws.
It surely won’t be long before grumblings emerge about the lack of technology in the Beeb’s coverage. The very least they should get is one of the snazzy new iPads that Keys has replaced his clip-board with, even if it was deemed “a bit heavy” last week. Watch this space.
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