NEWS ROUND UP

BULDARO CALLS FOR "STRONGER" OFFICIALS AT BUCS

Birmingham Director of Athletics has called on UKA and BUCS to clamp down on what he calls the "blatant bating of the officials" by fierce rival George Gandy. Buldaro - who is looking to defend the BUCS title on home soil - has said that he is concerned that some "strange" comments from the Guru and Director at Loughborough will sway race stewards on the day. "Look, we all know that the officials have a really really tough job" said Buldaro from a press conference "and they are not helped by certain Directors constantly railing against them. That is a fact. I only hope they can put it out of their minds on the day." For his part, the Guru issued a statement calling the accusations "ludicrous" adding that "they [the remarks] were a sign of the pressure Bud is under". 

THOMPSON HIT WITH CAT INJURY
Chris Thompson faces a spell on the sidelines after being "seriously scratched" by his pet cat, Jemma. The European Silver Medallist required hospital treatment after the cat pounced on him shortly after being fed her breakfast. A spokesman for the athlete said that it was "unlikely" to effect his training too greatly adding that Jemma would be dispatched for a "full claw clipping" and that he hoped that this would help the news desk on a slow day.

EIGHTLANE SILENT ON MCLEOD RUN
Always known to be even handed with their criticism popular running forum for the intellectually challenged, Eightlane have remained eerily and surprisingly quiet on Ryan McLeod's eleventh place (3rd Brit home) at the Edinburgh Cross Country event held last weekend. High praise was lauded on many who fell short of one of the best performances of McLeod's career. One can be sure it is nothing to do with the fact that the very same forum frothed with rage at McLeod's inclusion in the European Cross Country team just last month with one poster wondering whether UKA were getting "value for money" with McLeod's recent trip to Kenya.

THE GURU'S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE - 2010

People of Loughborough, UKA and beyond,

I write to you from my Guru retreat far from the constant gaze of media attention and the miserable snow that has ground the British people down. Rest assured that the sun is peaking over the horizon as I sip from my Guru cocktail supplied to me by my Guru aides, all the time watched over by my Guru security team.

2010 has been a difficult year for us all. We have had the horrors of debt at LSAC to deal with, the nightmare of the kit scandal and above all, the hiring of a new tea boy - Alasdair Donaldson (who doesn't have time to read that fantastic Lufbra Echo) . I realise now what a dreadful mistake that was - but you have to understand that he made a very good case for himself when I interviewed him and spoke glowingly about his time at school. Alas, his tea is too weak and his emails require constant correction. The whistle at sessions (rather than my grandly shouts) was the final straw for me and Alasdair and I are set for "crisis talks" if you will, early in the New Year.

Many people have asked me about why I took the executive (and extraordinary) decision to scrap the LSAC Grass Session this year. Indeed, I have a letter right here in front of me from Joanna Lumley (she of Gurkha fame) demanding to know why "the little people" of the grass have been treated "so very badly". Well the truth is that I worked out that getting rid of the grass session was the best possible way of annoying David Howe and so went ahead with it. I must say the results have been very pleasing indeed!

To close off LSAC affairs, I turn my attention to Director Dakin who has continued in his capacity as Director of Coaching. There has been some debate over whether Director Dakin is my superior or not. This is a ridiculous and futile discussion. How can a mere 'coach' outrank a Guru? Just because Director Dakin has a big plush office that is separate from the rest of the team, you all think that he is the number one around here. Nonsense. I chose to be in the open plan area because I am confident in my position. I do not need that status of a personal office to make me feel adequate. It is a great shame that Director Dakin is so petulant about this and we are all getting sick of his hissy fits and door slamming pantomimes. The truth is that he is jealous of my Guru status, but it was not me who failed his Fellowship of the Royal College of Gurus entrance exams now was it? I aced mine years ago and he simply lacks the experience. In all honesty, he shouldn't really be a director at all and we only gave him that to stop his whining all the time. 

On the UK Athletics front, we have seen unprecedented success this year. I have just had the pleasure of spending some time with successful contestants in the "Race to Portugal" competition that was UKA's initiative to select the team for the European Cross Country Championships. It was such a shame that I had to push Andy Vernon and James Wilkinson off the cliff because the disappointed me so. Only joking! That would be a direct breach of the Guru Handbook, Section 22, Paragraph 6: "Never, under any circumstances, intentionally push, throw or in any way encourage an athlete - underachiever or otherwise - to fall from a cliff". 

In all seriousness, it has been quite a year. So good to see that Chirs Thompson and Mo Farah have made up after that pathetic spat over Mo stealing from Chris. It was a real shame that Chris had to bring that up in the middle of a live BBC interview with Godfather Inverdale, but I am afraid that it only demonstrative of 'Thommo's' lack of class. Of course, I have been single handedly responsible for the turn around in Distance Running success this year and so I think we should all collectively (and metaphorically) pat me on the back: WELL DONE MR GURU, SIR! I can't wait to watch the World Championships in Berlin again (Seoul will probably be called off because I am about to declare war on South Korea on behalf of my Northern comrades), but I will be personally ensuring that Alasdair tears up that horrid blue track. 

Here's to yet more success in 2011, and to hoping that I finally get Charles Van Commenee's job that I richly deserve!

Warmest Regards to you all (you certainly need them!)

NJoy!

Guru George Gandy FRCG 

NEWHAM SALE FACES HIGH COURT TEST

The sale of one of England's most successful clubs - Newham and Essex Beagles - has been thrown into chaos this evening after one of its suitors failed a fit and proper persons test. The club is saddled with £750,000,000,000 of debt and there are genuine fears that it could go into administration if it parent company fails to meet HMRC deadlines later this month. Such a move would mean an automatic 9 minute addition to any time recorded by any Newham athlete this year. It was hoped that the famous Black and Yellows would be snapped up by a rich American tycoon who had promised to release the club of its financial burden and set in motion plans to build a new stadium. However, the billionaire has been refused permission to purchase the club after caving in under questioning from UKA attack dog, Ian Stewart.

Whilst this is a sad day for a famous old club, many have said that they have seen this coming for a while. When Newham signed Frank Baddick for £30,000,000 and then proceeded to pay Mo Farah £150,000 per week (making him the second best paid athlete in the country after Paula Radcliffe), it was clear that this was no way to run a business. Prize money from the Southern Six Stage will go some way to filling the gaping whole in the club's finances but with news emerging that they have had to let Robbie Schofield's private shoe assistant go there are fresh concerns over the future.

An insider revealed that replica kit sales had been "catastrophic" this year and Asics were considering pulling the plug after years of loyal support. "It seems that Newham are not bringing in the punters overseas any more," said the source "Chris Thompson is the new international hero now and the Chinese are crazy about him. Aldershot will do well to cling on to his services." Meanwhile, Newham are left with an enormous salary bill and staring oblivion square in the face.

EMERY: I COULD BE BETTER THAN FARAH

Unprecedented scenes as Loughborough’s “4th best athlete” hits out at critics

Stephen Emery has launched his new season with an extraordinary press conference from his Loughborough base. The Coventry man called the conference in order to answer some “gross untruths” that have been published on the internet and went on to claim that he will be “faster than Farah very soon”. “I did not end my season early because I was burnt out,” thundered the 3:48 (Stretford Timing) 1500m man, “I decided that it was sensible to end it at Watford [where he slumped to a 1:53 800m] and if anyone has a problem with that they should come to me rather than sending out emails lauding those who ran PBs in August. It’s pathetic”. Emery has remained silent for much of his breakthrough season, choosing to “let [his] legs do the talking”. However, ahead of the winter season the 23 year-old decided that it was time to make it clear that he “meant business”. “I respect what Mo has done,” said the 53rd man home at the National Cross, “but realistically I think we should be striving beyond 13 minutes. For me, 12:50 or possibly 12:45 needs to be the target. Maybe if I am doing that the likes of Mo and Chris [Thompson] will up their game a bit.”

Emery, who removed 9 seconds from his 1500m PB this summer said that he recognised the dangers such advancements can have. “I know that people often crash after a breakthrough season,” said Emery, “just look at Frank Baddick. He was all talk when he won the Loughborough Open back in April – what good did that do?” It seems that Emery still hasn’t got over the remarks made by Baddick after he withdrew from the 3,000m on the morning of the race: “It [Baddick’s press conference] was completely uncalled for. Hate is a strong word but sometimes when I am really hurting, I just keep thinking: Baddick, Baddick, Baddick.” For his part, Baddick has remained silent on the feud but a spokesman said that Emery was playing a dangerous game. “Frank had a disappointing season and yet he still ran significantly quicker than Mr Emery,” said Newham and Essex Beagles’ press officer, “it’s about respect in this sport and that is something Mr Emery really needs to learn about”. The NEB spokesman went on to question the accuracy of Emery’s PB: “It was set in Stretford and so in all likelihood is way out. From what I hear, his race was started with a whistle.”

UKA MUST SHARE THE LOVE IF RECOVERY IS TO CONTINUE

The 2010 athletics season will be largely remembered as the year that British distance running remerged from its hiatus of nearly three decades. The performances of Mo Farah and Chris Thompson in Barcelona were no doubt inspirational and Farah’s imperious performance in relieving Dave Moorcroft of his 28 year-old British 5,000m record was one of the season’s many highlights. Strangely, after a cross country season where UKA were lambasted from pillar to post (deservedly so in some cases), something appears to have gone at least half-right over the summer. The performances of Stephanie Twell and Michael Rimmer also show that the middle distances are, whilst not thriving, making solid progress under Stewart, Gandy et al. Whilst it is important not to get carried away – the European Championships are a fair way from World Class as was demonstrated at the Crystal Palace hangover – the British performances in a scandal-free Barcelona will have gone someway to reengaging the British public at large with Track and Field athletics. The only risk being that televisions across the nation are quickly turned off again when the viewer is forced to endure a tortuous interview by Phil Jones or some useless analysis from Denise ‘110%’ Lewis.

With the top level of the sport doing fine (if not well), attention will no doubt shift to the up and comers. It is here that excitement can perhaps be tempered. With some very notable exceptions (Niall Brooks, Richard Goodman and several female 800m runners), this has been a summer without significant breakthroughs. The number of men who are regularly running under 3:40 for 1500m this summer has been lower than ever before and promising winters (and proclamations of 3:36 not being a problem) have come to very little. Whilst bad luck, injury and illness has to take at least some of the flack, the British Milers Club too has seemed a little jaded this summer. This scribe has been one of the BMC’s most outspoken advocates and did himself enter into a pointless dispute on Eightlane about the organisation of the Watford Grand Prix. However, now looking back over the course of the season, it has become clear that all is not what it was.

The aim of the BMC is to advance the performances of the middle-distances by producing a number of quality races throughout the summer. There are many who will question the efficacy of paced races and their role in developing the racing instincts of an athlete, however there is no doubt that this is a sport that is fundamentally judged by time. Therefore, you would think that an organisation that nobly claims its raison d’être is to advance the sport would do their best to ensure that timing was accurate. Alas, timekeepers have been repeatedly embarrassed by the wonderful new initiative that is Athleticos. It has been clear to everybody except those who matter that the timing at several races was completely wrong and yet little has been done to rectify the problems. This culminated in the ultimate humiliation of one evening’s race times being completely void after protocol had been thrown out of the window; several athletes made personal breakthroughs to no avail. One is well aware that this sport relies upon volunteers to run it and it is with a heavy heart that they must be criticised. But the fact remains that when you pay £5 to enter a race, the very least you expect at the end of it is a time that counts. For a timekeeper to allow a race to be run without a starting pistol is the equivalent of a football referee arriving without a whistle. However voluntary, it is unacceptable.

Having alluded to pacemaking, it seems prudent to evaluate it. There are mixed feelings surrounding whether such races are really a good thing. Do they teach the athlete to actually race, or simply teach them to brainlessly follow? Either way, it is irrelevant; the BMC advertise Grand Prix and Gold Standard races on the premise that they will be paced to suit the athletes within each race. Why then were there, in some cases, only 2 pace makers to cover 7 events? Why were ‘A’ 1500m Gold Standard races going with a pacemaker who could only go as far as 500m and some without a pacer at all? It cannot be disputed that quality pacemakers are difficult to come by, but it costs money to enter and it is generally understood that this money is used to pay pacemakers.

Perhaps the BMC has been a victim of its own success. More and more athletes are seeking places with less and less willing to take on the burden of pacemaking. The blame should not be laid squarely at the door of those in charge. The high standard of this organisation means that when these standards slip ever so slightly, it is jumped upon. It has been a fabulous summer and the BMC has no doubt played its part in that. With UKA deservedly patting itself on the back for a job well done in Barcelona, perhaps a little of that good will should cascade down to a bit of funding for an organisation that will doubtless continue to offer a quality platform of British distance talent across the country. Such funding might just make that quality a little higher.

ATHLETICOS ‘BETTER THAN FLOTRACK’: OBAMA

Barrack Obama has launched an extraordinary attack on American Track and Field website Flotrack this lunchtime. The Commander-in-Chief lambasted the site’s head honchos for “letting their guard slip” and “unquestionably losing their place at the top table of Track and Field related websites.” The President spoke of an “unqualified tragedy” but heaped praise on the new British version of the site. “Athleticos is everything that Flotrack wants to be and more,” said Mr. Obama, “it encapsulates all that is great about our special friends in Great Britain. Athleticos is a truly great site for a truly great nation.” Flotrack insiders have revealed how website chiefs have been left seething by the snub: “it’s been very tense around here [at Flotrack HQ] the past few days,” said a site technician, “we knew that the President was going to say something about us, but had no idea that it would be so harsh.” Obama has refused to retract the comments or apologise for the upset that they have caused. His press secretary said that the President was "ashamed" of Flotrack's fall from grace. "He looks back to the glory days of a couple of years ago and wishes it could be the same," said the communications chief, "it is a sad day for American sport generally."

Obama was speaking to the Wall Street Journal just days after he refused an interview with Flotrack and whilst many will argue that the Democrat is just carrying out a politically motivated vendetta (Flotrack’s founder is a prominent Republican), few can argue that this is another fantastic coup for the British Athleticos. From humble beginnings in a Loughborough shed, the site has proved in recent weeks that it is ready to take on the world by securing exclusives with the likes of Chris Thompson and Lisa Dobriskey. “To be honest,” said a website source, “we don’t have to go looking for the interviews anymore. We find that the athletes’ agents all want to get on our site. It’s going great”. Athleticos has had a presence at every major European meeting this summer and has been rumoured to of snubbed approaches from the likes of Steve Cram and Brendan Foster. Our source went on: “we are presenting something new and fresh. Whilst it is nice that they want to work for us, I only think that it would alienate our core demographic.” There is no question that the site has been an unqualified success and the company's shares on the FTSE 100 rose to record highs just minutes after Obama’s interview was published.

Alas, the same cannot be said for the American counterpart, which was branded “tired” by American Marathoner Ryan Hall just last week. Viewing figures have reached an all-time low and it is rumoured that the site is in desperate talks with Athleticos in a bid to form some kind of alliance. “It is the only way Flotrack can survive” said a Wall Street analyst, “their stocks have taken such a beating in recent weeks, it is hard to see them being afloat without this merger past Christmas.” In an Emergency meeting of the site’s board last week, the Chief Executive was stripped of his $250,000 bonus and told that if things did not improve he could be out of a job by October. “Job losses seem inevitable,” said the site’s Human Resources Director, “the trick will be to do it sensitively. We have to realise that there are other players out there now and if we can’t beat them, we might just have to join them.”

Obviously, this is fantastic news for the Lufbra Echo as it was us that first brought the world’s attention to Athleticos via our side panel advert. We are delighted for Athleticos, but are particularly delighted for ourselves. Well done us!

VAN COMMENEE “SCARIER THAN CAPELLO” SHOCK

ICE MAN: Van Commenee is famed for his deathly stare of disapproval

Charles Van Commenee has been branded as “downright frightening” by several leading British athletes as they return home from Norway and the European Team Championships. Dwain Chambers described a “look that could kill a thousand elephants” when the sprint ace was spotted using a mobile telephone at the dinner table. “He grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and marched me outside,” said the Belgrave man, “I have never been so terrified. He didn’t even say anything and just looked at me like the Demon Headmaster.” Elsewhere, Emily Freeman said that she was “losing sleep” at the thought of letting Van Commenee down. “I can’t think straight when I am around him,” said the 200m Olympic Semi-Finalist, “I think it’s those glasses, they just make you shiver.” Despite the official line emerging from the Team GB camp that Chris Thompson was ruled out through illness, insiders have revealed that it was actually because of a major bust up with the UKA performance chief. “Chris was sent home,” confirmed a camp insider, “he called Mr. Van Commenee ‘CVC’ and then there was a very big argument. I saw Chris emerge from the meeting in tears and then went straight to the airport.” This is not the first time that somebody has made such a gaffe. Steve Lewis was forced to apologise to the supremo after failing to register a legal height and was accused of mumbling the ‘Van’ portion of the name. Sources have said that Lewis was forced to write out Mr. Van Commenee’s name 1,000 times before being allowed to eat his supper of dried toast and water.

When asked about his demeanour by some fearless (and now barred) journalists, Van Commenee said that he had to “up his game” in the scary stakes as Fabio Capello was “hogging all the attention”. “He [Capello] thinks that by forcing everyone to eat together and banning the WAGs, he is some kind of hero,” snapped Van Commenee, “well, how many of his players has he made cry? How many letters from parents has he had?” Independent observers have confirmed that it is “very likely” that the Dutchman has a greater capacity to scare that Don Fabio. The Court of Arbitration for Sport have twice warned Van Commenee over his “intimidating behaviour” after many athletes complained that they felt “unduly stressed” in his presence. A spokesman for CAS revealed that the UKA top man would have received a firmer punishment but he succeeded in "terrifying" the entire panel of independent judges.