RADCLIFFE 'EMBARRASSED' BY LONDON SLUMP

Paula Radcliffe blamed "everything but myself" as she tearfully explained one of the "most humiliating performances" of her career. The World Marathon record holder said that she was "disgusted" at being beaten by "nobody Jo Pavey" and conceded that she "had never heard of" Gemma Steele who pipped her to second place. The multi-millionaire sobbed into BBC microphones as she explained how injury continued to hamper her performances, but had firm words too for race winner Jo Pavey.

"I thought she [Pavey] showed a lack of class at the start" said Radcliffe "she told me that the swoosh on her Nike kit was bigger than mine because Nike preferred her to me. It's really disappointing when someone treats you like that, very poor." Radcliffe was also left frustrated when her fans did not seem to recognise her. So long has it been since she last ran a race in anger, the former World Champion was accosted at the start by hundreds of Harry Potter fans who had confused her with star actor, Daniel Radcliffe. The excitable group of teenage girls were none too happy when they realised that the Radcliffe on show was not their bespectacled hero, but "some blonde woman who kept waving at us".

Radcliffe refused to rule out the possibility of competing at "the next three Olympics" but did admit that she "had lots of work to do". "Clearly 250 miles a week isn't enough, because I always seem to be injured on that" sobbed the mother of two "I am going to double it and that should help. I just hope that something crazy doesn't happen that will force me to blame everything else for my world caving in again." Radcliffe will be 38 in December.

‘STUPID’ KENYANS FRUSTRATE BADDELEY

Andy Baddeley has blamed “inane conversations with stupid athletes” for his less than impressive form this season. In a revealing interview with the Lufbra Echo, the British number one bemoaned the intelligence of the average Kenyan. “Let’s face it,” said the Cambridge graduate, “[the Kenyans] aren’t on the same level as me. They’re dull and I can’t stand making small talk with anybody- least of all them.” Baddeley, who claims to be in the shape of his life athletically, has not troubled his personal records since 2008 but has refused to let this get to him. “With 150m to go at the European Championships I was certain I would win the Gold Medal,” said the Harrow man, “but then I realised that my IQ was higher than the rest of the field put together and it put me right off.” Baddeley also said that his campaign for all athletes to be degree educated was not going as well as he might have hoped. “It’s for everyone’s benefit,” thundered the one time 3:49 miler, “I just can’t stand sitting in call rooms with a procession of dumb ass Kenyans staring blankly into space or at their managers. I tried to strike up a conversation with Asbel Kiprop about the complexities of particle physics and he didn’t know what I was talking about.”

Baddeley, who says that his part time lecturing at St. Mary’s is charity work for the “intellectually challenged”, has been forced to mount a rigorous defence of his racing tactics this season. Steve Cram and Brendan Foster both felt that he overestimated his ability to kick away from his rivals in the European Championships. “What an earth do they [Cram and Foster] know about how to run a race? I really do get tired of simpletons telling me what to do,” said the fifth placer, “I executed my races perfectly; it was just my realisation of how intelligent I am comparatively wrought havoc with my psychophysiology.” Many have also questioned Baddeley’s decision to stick with New Balance as his sponsor despite lucrative approaches from Nike and Adidas: “This is because New Balance understand my intellectual quality,” he explained whilst showing off his Graduation certificates from Cambridge, “Nike is for idiots who can’t handle more complex logos.”

NEWS IN BRIEF

WOMEN’S STEEPLE FACES HATCHET

The women’s 3,000m steeplechase will not be included in the programme for the 2012 Olympic Games, because Sebastian Coe “doesn’t much like” Hatti Dean. The former World 800m Record holder has been under pressure from the cost-cutting Coalition Government to somehow reduce the £9 billion budget currently set for the Games. In an extraordinary press conference, the Chairman of LOCOG attacked the steeplechase, branding it a “waste of space” and also reserved firm words for the “nasty and manipulative” Dean. “I hate her,” said Coe, “I hate the way she looks, I hate the way she runs and I hate the way she hurdles. If I had my way, I would just introduce a blanket ban on Deans being allowed to compete.” Coe is said to be upset because he "doesn't like hats". "What a stupid name!" thundered Coe, "I hate people who go around wearing hats- particularly in races, like that **** Dave Wottle".

McLEOD SNUB ANGERS UNIONS

Trade Unions have called for athletes and spectators to boycott the Super 8 series on Wednesday owing to the exclusion of Ryan McLeod. Unison, Unite, GMB and BECTU all balloted their members after the start lists were published and the results confirmed that 98.7% of members voted in favour of action. One Glasgow Council insider said: “our members work incredibly hard for their cash and demand the right to see McLeod lead a race only to be out-kicked in the closing stages. We couldn’t all make it down to Sport City and some idiot edited out the good bits on the video.” McLeod insiders have denied rumours that their man was offered a race but had to turn it down as he “did not know where Glasgow was”. One source said: “we can’t understand why he has been left out. He could run for just about anyone, but they all said no. It’s like someone has a grudge against him.” UKA have refused to comment on the strikes, but did say that they “regretted” having to overlook the Tipton man. A spokesman said: “we just didn’t have a need for any pacemakers on this occasion.”

GAY ‘BANNED FROM WINNING’ IN OREGON

The only non-Nike sponsored athlete to be permitted a race in the Pre Classic Diamond League meeting, Tyson Gay, has told the Lufbra Echo that he was told “not to win” just minutes before his race. “Some guy came up to be beforehand,” said Gay, “and said that he would ruin by career if I didn’t let Dix win”. It was also alleged that Gay was given “sticky blocks” meaning that he was delayed slightly at the start. A Nike spokesman was unrepentant when challenged on the issue: “how embarrassing would it be if an Adidas athlete won a race?” said the source, “that’s like saying that you don’t need to wear Nike kit to be the best. Also, Tyson has an unfortunate surname and we couldn’t have a Dix finishing behind a Gay- we have family values, you know!”

AAAs AND MORE......

BIRMINGHAM SET FOR UK CHAMPS

Security is set to be “tighter than ever before” at the UK Championships, according to UKA insiders. It is believed that UKA have tightened the ticketing policy after thousands of touts were arrested outside the ground last year and many fans were turned away having bought counterfeit tickets. The ugly scenes that appeared on the final Sunday of the 2009 event- with many desperate supporters charging the gate in a bid to get inside- are the subject of an ongoing judicial review, the results of which will be published later this year. A senior UKA source said that lessons would be learned from past mistakes. “The police have doubled their provision,” said the member of Neils De Vos’ office, “I think it is fair to say we underestimated the animosity that existed between rival sets of fans last year.” Crowd segregation is to be “absolute” for the first time since the Coe-Ovett era, a time that saw many hooligans handed life bans.

On the track, UKA chiefs have been keen to play down rumours that the distance events will suffer from being so close to the Trafford Grand Prix to be held on Tuesday. Event organisers from Stretford have been talking up their “tremendous fields” and “cast iron guarantees from top guns” and this has angered some inside UKA. “I am certain that the National Championships will prevail,” said UKA’s events secretary, “we have made it clear to all at Trafford that such scheduling in future will be viewed very dimly.”

BEEB COMMITS TO ‘MORE COVERAGE THAN EVER’

The BBC have confirmed that the athletics will be given “prime time billing” and as such “at least 45 minutes” of live action will be shown over the course of the weekend. It is at this stage unclear who will be anchoring the coverage as Sue Barker is tied up at Wimbledon and the rest of the BBC Sport team has been dispatched to South Africa. An insider said, “to be honest, we could have done with England going out on Wednesday. We need some guys back here.” Jonathan Edwards once again “failed to impress” in his anchorage of the European Team Championships last weekend, and thus it seems likely that Hazel Irvine will be brought out of the wilderness she has inhabited since the now infamous Crystal Palace-gate last year. Irvine courted heavy criticism after looking like she was about to “burst with excitement” at the news of a failed Jamaican drug test and was accused of “going to pieces” when attempting to interview Usain Bolt. The BBC have not yet confirmed whether Phil Jones will be available to ask athletes “how they feel”, as he was last seen harassing exhausted tennis players in SW19.

CAPELLO IN SHOCK VISIT TO McLEOD PREPARATION SESSION



VAN COMMENEE SUPPORTS DRUG CHEATS ‘BECAUSE HE GREW UP IN AMSTERDAM’

Angry Eightlaners have hit out at UKA’s performance chief after he was seen to show support to Britain’s number one sprinter, Dwain Chambers. In some fearful reviews on the popular running forum, Van Commonee is accused of “[spending] many of his formative years in the cafes of Amsterdam” on the grounds that he lived “in the suburbs” as a youngster. The anonymous poster, who presumably did not spend many of his/her formative years in the schools of England, went on to add “someone in UKA who does understand the British public needs to have a quiet word”. ‘Outlook’, clearly horrified by the situation, added: “there is wacky backy and hash cake on sale in every city centre bar”. This, coupled with his “suicidal” backing of Chambers, clearly proves that Van Commenee must have spent his entire childhood doped up and is now causing “Women’s Institute types [to be] switching off their televisions in disgust” [‘Point’ et al.,2010]. One can’t help but feel that the Dutchman’s position is now untenable and his resignation will surely follow.

ISNER AND MAHUT MATCH LONGER THAN RADCLIFFE TRAINING RUN

The Wimbledon tennis match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut lasted longer than one of Paula Radcliffe’s ‘medium length’ runs. The revelation comes as Radcliffe lambasted members of the press for praising the two players’ staying power. “This is the problem with tennis players,” fumed the usually placid Radcliffe, “they stay on court for a little longer than they would have hoped and suddenly they want they earth. It’s pathetic.” Revealing that she has “warmed down for longer than their entire match”, Radcliffe maintained that she did not train too hard. “If other people spent the time I did running, then maybe we wouldn’t be in the mess that we are now in,” she said from her toe strengthening suite, “my injuries are nothing to do with over training.” In an unusually vocal mood, Radcliffe also furiously denied speculation that her next child would be named ‘Nike’.

WATFORD BMC ROUND UP......

ANGER AS McCORMICK WEARS DATED KIT

Nick McCormick is likely to face the wrath of Nike executives early next week after he wore last year’s kit at yesterday evening’s Watford Grand Prix. Shocked bystanders watched the North East star line up in the 800m ‘D’ race- where he expressed his anger at having to share a lane. One said, “Nick was clearly upset at being made to share the territory. I think he must have forgotten to change into this year’s new style.” However, insiders have revealed more sinister goings on. It appears that Mr. McCormick “does not like” the new kit as it does not suit his new haircut. “He hates it,” said a source, “when it was delivered he threw it on the ground in disgust. I doubt he will wear it at all this season.” No one was available for comment at Nike this evening, but it seems likely that their athlete will be forced to explain himself. One anonymous source at the sporting giant said that the cut off for the old kit fell on Thursday. “All athletes will have been sent a memo urging them to destroy their old vests and shorts on the 10th June,” said the senior aide, “it was made clear that old kit will no longer be tolerated.” McCormick was racing in the UK for the first time this season, after a period of enforced exile owing to his “horrifically short” hair cut. Speaking afterwards, he revealed that it was “still in the balance” as to whether he would be allowed to compete at the Crystal Palace Diamond League next month. “I reckon it [the hair] will grow enough by then,” said the 3:33 1500m man, “it really comes down to whether I want to spend a significant period of time in the hell hole that it Crystal Palace.”

McLEOD UNNERVED BY BOO-BOYS

Ryan McLeod ventured out in public for the first time since his major bust up with bitter rival Tom Russell. The Tipton Harrier opted to pace make the 5,000m ‘A’ race, but his name was greeted by a chorus of boos from the stands. Despite pleas from officials to show him the respect he deserved, McLeod had to endure repeated insults from angered West Country folk- the Metropolitan Police have revealed that a total of three individuals were arrested for “public order offenses.” It is unlikely that any of the three will be charged. In the race itself, it became clear from the start that McLeod was not himself. As early as the second lap, he was attempting to usher chasing athletes though to “share the pace”. It was not until a BMC official reminded him that he was being paid to lead the race, that the 13:54 man settled down. The damage to Luke Cragg’s race was done however and the US based man was furious after his race. “You expect better than that,” harrumphed the England international, “I saw Ryan pacing the locker room before and could see he was freaked out by the situation. When I debrief him, he’ll know what I think.”

TIMEKEEPING WRONG: EIGHTLANE

Distraught Eightlaners have called for immediate action after watching videos of several of last night’s races. “BMC please read this, watch the video and sort the results out,” pleaded ‘1500 result?’, whilst his/her/its presumed brother/sister/other life form, ‘1500m results’ supported the view, “not great time keeping”. It seems much of the evidence base for the allegations stems from video footage that has been placed on the internet. In light of such overwhelmingly clear (as long as you have it up on a very fast bandwidth and ignore the glitches) evidence will result in the timekeepers who were standing directly in line with the finish being overturned? ‘1500 result?’ certainly hopes so-“there is something seriously wrong with this [1500m ‘A’ race] result- look at 10th, 11th, 12th and 13th position.” Regrettably, Mr ‘1500 result?’ appears not to have all of his facts in line, “Luke Gunn dips someone on the line, who I assume is the Dutch athlete but he’s 0.2 behind on the result”. Outrageous! An unnamed athlete may or may not have beaten Luke Gunn and this may or may not be clear from the video. Court of Arbitration for Sport here we come!

THE PAULA RADCLIFFE INTERVIEW

The Lufbra Echo secured a precious few minutes with one of the greatest female athletes of all time. We find out what really makes her tick, secrets that she has never revealed and what she plans to do in the future. Plus- Athens: what really happened?

It’s 8:30am on a Sunday morning and I am knackered. For three hours and thirty two minutes, I have been chasing Paula Radcliffe’s brand spanking new Nike ‘UltraSwoosh, Special Edition Mark 323.43’ running shoes and to no avail- in that time, she has put over a minute into me. “Come on, you lightweight!” thunders her cheerless husband, Gary Lough, “Paula’s got another three runs to do today and you are holding her up!” I amble up to the front door of their Leicestershire mansion, where the couple are currently spending eight of their limited 92 days per year in the country. This is of course owing to the fact that they like Monte Carlo and hate the intrusion of the press. Nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that they save a wad of cash in tax revenue, you understand. Paula, now pregnant again, is stretching out her legs and I notice a tear rolling down her precious cheek. When I enquire what the matter is, she informs me that she was some eight seconds down on what she should have been for that run and Gary had shouted at her. “I’m not even tired,” affirms Radcliffe, “I wasn’t even trying hard. I just ran slower.”

We head inside, where I make the mistake of asking for a black coffee. “We have green coffee,” snaps Lough, “none of that horrid stuff.” Paula then explains: “Green Coffee has special immune properties that builds up your body’s ability to fight off infection and carry oxygen around in the blood.” Does it taste nice? “Oh yes- it is delicious. People who are interested should log on to the Green Coffee website for more information,” enthuses Radcliffe, with a knowing look in the direction of her husband. I decide to opt instead for water, but am then offered the choice between “oxygenised” or “non-oxygenised”. Confused, I go thirsty.

“You’ll have to excuse me while I work out on the cross trainer while we speak,” says Radcliffe as we head into a de-oxygenised chamber, “I am lacking aerobic fitness, you see.” The World Record holder over the marathon then glances at her Nike watch and breaks down in tears again. When pushed, she revealed that she was some three hundredths of a seconds slower moving from the morning kitchen to this room than she was last week. “It’s like everything is falling apart again,” she sobbed, “I work so hard to maintain this schedule.” After wiping her tears on a special Nike tissue (specifically designed to help you cry to the best of your ability), Radcliffe confidently marches towards the chamber- determined to make up time.

In the ominously entitled “work chamber”, Radcliffe then hooks herself up to various contraptions, including a specially designed Nike BabyMonitor+, built with your child’s future in mind. “It’s just great,” smiles the now content 2:15 marathoner, “it passes some of my ability on to my unborn child.” When pushed further, Radcliffe reveals that she was disappointed with her performance when giving birth to her first child. “I heard that Deena Kastor was much quicker. I need to work on my weaknesses and hopefully surprise a few people this time.” Radcliffe then took her special Nike Zoom Asthma Inhaler +++, which delivers the (completely legal) drugs to her lungs faster. “This is a lifesaver,” she says, “so important for someone who suffers with it [Asthma] like me.”

As she begins her workout (second of six scheduled for the day), I turn to the difficult topic of the Athens Olympics. “Oh, I did that deliberately,” blurts out Radcliffe, “you see, the British public hate winners and my Nike contract was up for renewal. Everyone likes a few tears at the side of the road. You’d be amazed how many people brought my book- which is still available- on the back of that!” Dumbfounded, I pushed further- what about Beijing? “I wasn’t as fit as Mara [Yamauchi, who finished 6th] and couldn’t bear the thought of not being the first Brit and so I made up this cramp problem. Worked a treat! The Daily Telegraph said I was ‘very brave’ and Nike gave me a 10% raise.” What does she plan to do in the years to come? “Probably drop out of a few more races and possibly try and win 2012. I’m a bit worried, in truth, as if you want to make the big bucks after you have retired, you really need an Olympic medal.” How did she enjoy commentating on the London Marathon? “I had to sit in a booth with that awful Geordie pair [Steve Cram and Brendan Foster] and so what do you think?” harrumphed the Bedford and County star, “they kept saying, ‘when I won my Olympic medal’ and followed it with a dull story. I made Cram’s career with my teary performance after dropping out of Athens and he is just ungrateful.” Radcliffe was referring to the interview she “would only give” to the former Olympic 1500m silver medalist after the marathon disaster.

As I left Radcliffe’s house, Nike Farm, she was heading out for her next run. Would I like to stay for lunch? Gary was preparing roast tadpole, which is very high in protein apparently. I decided to take my chances at McDonald's and so made my excuses.

UKA CALL FOR CALM AS ASH CLOUD SPREADS

UKA are “seriously considering” cancelling early athletics meetings this summer after the ash from the Eyjafjallajokull volcano spreads across Europe. European airspace is in meltdown and many athletes are resorting to extraordinary measures in a bid to return to the UK. A UKA spokesman urged athletes to “remain calm” in the crisis, but conceded that it was now “very likely” that events such as the BUCS Outdoor Championships would be axed. “We don’t want people taking insane risks just to get back for BUCS,” said the source from his holiday home in New Zealand, “Nick Goolab and Stephen Sharp have already attempted to swim home from Portugal for the National 12 Stage and we can’t have everyone trying this.” The Belgrave pair were fished out of the Atlantic Ocean just half a mile from shore after Sharp inadvertently went the wrong way. Speaking from a hospital in Lisbon, where both were given the all clear, Sharp said “I didn’t realise that my iPhone wasn’t water proof and so the route map application broke and we ended up swimming towards Africa....Nick’s knackered now but it’s all good training.” Despite the setback, Sharp refused to rule himself out of the relays that start at midday tomorrow. “It’s not over yet,” said the most successful relay runner in British history, “I have spoken to Alan [Mead, Belgrave manager] and asked for a later leg. We could run there and just do a shortened cool down.” For their part, Belgrave have denied encouraging their stars to take unprecedented measures in order to make the relays. “We preach responsibility,” said an insider, “our guys must remember that they are role models to millions of kids and when they do something stupid it may be copied.”

In Portugal, David Howe and Alasdair Donaldson have been delayed in departing from LSAC’s warm weather training camp and Preston AC have had to postpone their return by nearly a week. A Preston source bemoaned a “difficult” situation. “The other night we really fell out with the Loughborough lot on the grounds we wouldn’t see them again. Now we’re stuck with them and their egos for ages- it’s awful.” Donaldson meanwhile is believed to have abandoned a bid to cycle up to Front Romeu in the Pyrenees, where his UKA colleagues are currently based. It is rumoured that the Scot fell off his bike only three kilometres into the trip and “badly grazed” his right knee. Our UKA source went on, “this situation does weird things to people. I know that Alasdair wants to be with the guys in France but he’ll be fine in Portugal.” Yesterday evening, Donaldson indicated that he was “gravely concerned” at the prospect of being stranded in Portugal. The Newham and Essex Beagle has claimed that he is being “relentlessly bullied” by the girls at the LSAC camp. “They aren’t being very nice,” sobbed the Scot, “Dani [Christmas] said that my tan wasn’t very good yesterday and that’s so upsetting.”

Back in the UK, some athletes are refusing to train in light of the “horrendous” air quality. Gary Bradbury revealed that he could “hardly breathe” on a recent recovery run and said that he would be writing off the next three weeks as a precaution. Chris Warburton was in a similar situation and indicated that his “entire season” may well now be over. “I think the dust cloud had an early effect on me in Portugal,” said the 3:38 man, “it’s been erupting for a couple of weeks now and that would explain why Stephen Emery was able to beat me in training.”

Elsewhere, Paula Radcliffe has paid £250,000 for a special “EasyBreathe” system to help her avoid any long term damage during her training. The Bedford and County said, “it’s great- I wear this special mask and it almost feels like normal.” The Marathon World Record holder revealed that there was a bit of snag when the company refused to print the Nike Swoosh on the device and thus rendering it useless. “It was fine in the end because Gary [Lough, Paula’s husband] drew it on with a Nike permanent marker,” Radcliffe explained, “he’s good like that- always coming up with ingenious solutions.”

NEWS ROUND-UP

After a busy day in the running world, the Lufbra Echo rounds up the comings and goings around the sport

RUNNER LEFT OUT OF TEAM SHOCK
A long distance runner who has asked not to be named has been left out of Great Britain's team for the forthcoming World Cross Country Championships. UKA insiders have revealed that the runner, who underperformed at the trial race, was "absolutely devastated" at the news. The source also stated that more runners could be left out of more teams in the future.

RUNNER INCLUDED IN TEAM SHOCK
A long distance runner who has asked not to be named has been included in Great Britain's team for the forthcoming World Cross Country Championships. UKA insiders have revealed that the runner was one of a number of athletes "to be given the nod" for the event which takes place in Poland later this month.

RADCLIFFE 'DEEPLY SORRY' FOR BIN INFRACTION
Paula Radcliffe has apologised to her many sponsors for placing plastic bags into a bin intended for recycling. Leicestershire County Council have not ruled out prosecuting the World Record holder over the blunder. "I had just got back from my sixth run of the day," sobbed Radcliffe "and was just about to prepare my raw quails eggs- I just didn't think. I feel like I have let everyone down...I hope Nike, I mean, my fans can forgive me".

NIKE LAUNCH NEW RACING FLAT
Nike have launched their latest lightweight offering just in time for the Spring road season. The 'ZOOM LOADSACASH' offers innovative technology weighing in at just 0.5g per shoe. A retailer told the Lufbra Echo, "the shoe consists of a tight fitting cotton that wraps around the whole foot and ankle. It is ideal for runners looking for that extra half-yard and they can even go in the washing machine." Nike have specifically designed the racers to "wear out" after 5km of use. A spokesman enthused, "this gives runners that new shoe feel every day." The flats will cost £130.

PURDUE DENIES GORECKA SPAT
Charlotte Purdue has hailed rival Emelia Gorecka's "magnificent" run at the weekend's Inter-Country Championships. The injured star "absolutely rejected" rumours that she was "threatened" by her team mate. "It's a shame I missed Saturday- it would have been a great race. Emelia's a great girl and that text message was nothing to do with me," said Purdue.