VAN COMMENEE SHOCK

USAIN BOLT EYES BRITISH SWITCH

Usain Bolt's sister's friend's mother's hairdresser's father was born and raised in Essex, opening up the possibility of the triple Olympic Champion competing for Great Britain at next year's London Games. It is understood that Bolt is "hugely excited" at the potential switch and fourteen members of UKA staff are "working flat out" to make it happen. This news comes after the likes of Tiffany Ofili-Porter and Shara Proctor conveniently discovered long lost relatives from the British Isles. 'Operation Get Bolt' as it has become know at Athletics House is a division of the 'Foreign Athlete Recruitment Team' (Codename FART) in the organisation.

Bolt has refused to comment on the story publicly, but an insider told the echo that the star has already switched from chicken nuggets and chips to fish and chips as a pre-race meal. "It was like he was born to be British, which of course technically speaking he is" enthused the source. Preparations were said to have suffered a set-back last week when Bolt was seen in "deep conversation" with the Pope sparking rumours that he was about to switch to becoming Italian. "We sent a memo reassuring him that Catholics were more than welcome on these shores" said a UKA worker "and I have it good authority that Mr Bolt doesn't much care for spaghetti".

TWITTERING TWITS

What does Charles Van Commonee - the man charged with delivering excellence at next year's Olympics - think of Twitter? "It's for attention seekers and clowns" the UKA supremo opined to the BBC yesterday afternoon. Van Commonee, who has seemingly forgotten that athletics isn't actually a team sport, was most upset when Phillips Idowu (World Triple Jump Champion and major prospect for Olympic Gold) supposedly announced to the social networking site that he was not to compete at this weekend's European Team Championships. 


"These things are done personally, there are certain channels you have to follow" CVC gravely told the camera "I expect somebody with such a profile [Idowu] to follow these procedures". Somewhat embarrassingly for CVC, it seems that Idowu did follow these procedures and only told his Twitter following after emailing the UKA hierarchy. Whoops! It would be even more humiliating for the organisation hell bent on success next year if, say, they had dismissed a world-renowned sprint coach at the drop of a hat for not quite toeing the party line. Although that would never happen as everyone is expected to follow "certain channels" aren't they? 


The Dutchman does have a point about Twitter users being attention seekers and clowns though. Just look at some of these Tweets: "In the words of ABBA 'The winner takes it all' - and that's exactly what the men's 4x100m relay just did in a Championship record time!" and "Did you know, this very stadium in Stockholm hosted the 1912 Olympic Games, which saw electric timing introduced for athletics? You do now!". This same user even found the time to re-tweet two of Mr Idowu's messages (unrelated to scandal) and ponder  how a queue for toast may effect James Shane's race chances. This couldn't be a salaried member of UKA staff (known within the camp as Mr Twitter) who tweets under the user name 'UKA_athletics' could it?

IDOWU ANGERED BY TWITTER BAN

Phillips Idowu has revealed that Charles Van Commonee has confiscated his mobile telephone and personal computer "for the rest of the season" and banned the Triple Jump star from "going near a computer". Van Commonee - who branded Idowu a "clown" on the BBC - is said to be furious that the Belgrave Harrier used Twitter to withdraw from this weekend's European Team Championships.

"It's a total joke" thundered Idowu from a phone box "who the hell does he think he is? I'm the World Champion and yet I can't be trusted with a mobile phone. Ridiculous." The triple jump ace added that it "was none of Van Commonee's business" what he did online. "Where exactly is Charles' Gold medal?" pondered Idowu "when he wants some fashion advice he should call me."

Idowu went on to say that the ban was having a "negative impact" on his performance because he was unable to call the AA when his new car broke down last week. "I tried to fashion a device with a paper cup and a bit of string, but it didn't work" said Idowu "in the rain, the cup just disintegrated".

Van Commonee has defended his decision, but faces serious problems within the Team GB camp after Helen Clitheroe was caught on Facebook chat after lights out yesterday evening and Dwain Chambers was found to be "following" the out of favour Idowu on Twitter. Meanwhile, a row has erupted within the BBC after Denise Lewis 'unfriended' Colin Jackson in a row thought to be over shoes and Jonathan Edwards revealed that he didn't even know what Twitter was.

DONALDSON SIGNS CONTRACT EXTENSION

Alasdair Donaldson (who does not have time to read this blog) has signed a new contract with Loughborough and will remain at the club for at least the next twelve months, the lufbra echo understands. The news comes as a major victory for George Gandy's PA as insiders have told of "massive concessions" made by the Loughborough set up.

A source close to the negotiation team told the echo that Alasdair was "now to have an assistant to take charge of milk". It is hoped that this will free Donaldson up to spend more time trialling and selecting teas as well as focusing on perfecting a "comprehensive system for the storage and dispensing of paper clips".

Donaldson's decision to stay put will come as a surprise to many as he was linked to several "leading institutions" including the Bolton Institute of Higher Education who were prepared to offer him "complete control" of the kettle. A source close to Donaldson said that Loughborough was "the clear choice" and that the Scot was "very happy" in the East Midlands.

Just a couple of months ago, Donaldson's future couldn't have been more uncertain after his April Fools joke went disastrously wrong and he was quizzed by UKA chiefs over the cash for emails scandal. However, Loughborough sources have told the echo that these incidents are "now in the past" and that Donaldson was the "man for the moment".

MANCHESTER CITY GAMES NEWS

Ahead of this weekend's big event in the London of the North, the lufbra echo excites in the build up


OHURUOGU 'FORGETS' TO PAY FOR PARKING

The Olympic 400m Champion has been slapped with a £70.00 fine by Manchester City Council after failing to pay and display during a shopping trip. It is understood that Ohuruogu will appeal the fine on the grounds that she had to "change her shopping plans at the last minute" and "with all the other stress of being an athlete" shouldn't be expected to remember to pay for parking her 4x4 with blacked out windows.

CHAMBERS BANNED FROM ENTERING 'THE NORTH'

Belgrave's Dwain Chambers has been asked not to venture north of the Watford Gap this weekend on the grounds that he may bring adverse publicity to an event designed to laud the success of Track & Field. It is understood that the sprint king successfully appealed an action from the organisers to ask him to leave the country. Greek sprint darling Katerina Thanou is a guest at tonight's gala dinner.

GEB WARNED AFTER PUSHING OVER GAY

Haile Gebrsalassie has been sanctioned by UK Athletics after attempting to push Tyson Gay into the Manchester Canal during a photo-shoot. The marathon world record holder reduced Gay to tears after repeated taunts about his inability to beat Usain Bolt. An insider revealed that the Ethiopian "told Tyson that even Bolt was a part timer and still much better than him. It was then that he pushed him over but he didn't quite fall in the canal". UKA held a private meeting between the two parties but refused to elaborate on what action - if any - would be taken.

24 HOUR SECURITY PROMISED AFTER THEFT

The 150m straight track was stolen by some visiting Liverpudlians, the lufbra echo can reveal. It is understood that the group - thought to be associated with Liverpool Harriers and led by Johnny Mellor - rolled the track up and put in the back of a Vauxhaull Astra estate (1.6l, XXXL exhaust, no hubcaps). Officials have condemned the theft and stated that David Oliver had now been placed on permanent guard of the new track.

DOCTORS FEAR FOR BOWSER

Some of the country's leading psychiatrists have voiced concerns as to the well being of 5,000m star, Matt Bowser. The Lincoln man has been the subject of national ridicule since he announced his intention to participate in the London Olympics and a recent video on the popular running forum for simpletons, eightlane seems to show Bowser having a mental breakdown.

"It's very worrying indeed" said a Dr Shrink from the University of North Dunstable's School of Psychiatry "you can clearly see that the lad is unwell. I would urge people not to approach him and contact the police if he is seen." Bowser's whereabouts is currently unknown and friends of the former European Cross Country Champion have called for him to come home. "This is going too far, Matt" said a source close to the star "let's give up these games and get things sorted."

The Police have stressed that Bowser is "not wanted in connection with any crime (for a change)" and that they were "purely concerned for his mental health". This comes less than a year after Bowser was the subject of a national manhunt in connection with a missing UKA Garmin.

DONALDSON APRIL FOOLS PRANK BACKFIRES

Alasdair Donaldson has been arrested for wasting police time after telling John Nutall that "there was a bomb underneath his car". Loughborough's HiPAC was surrounded by Police from first thing this morning and air traffic at East Midlands airport had to be diverted. Meanwhile, the M1 was closed from Junction 22 to 23A until the all clear was given late in the afternoon. The motorway is still at a standstill now as a result.

It is understood that George Gandy's PA (who does not have time to read this blog) told fellow assistant Nutall that he "had seen George put it [the bomb] there" and that it was "armed to go off if [Nutall] opened the door". Horrified, Nutall dialed 999 and the incident escalated from there. Matters were not helped when George Gandy did not answer his mobile phone and Donaldson (now seemingly on a roll) told them it was "because he was in a meeting with terrorists".

Police bomb disposal experts discharged a controlled explosion of a crisp packet at around noon and it was then that Donaldson was taken into custody. It is understood that the incident is likely to have cost in excess of £5m and the Chief Constable of Leicestershire Police slammed blasted Donaldson's actions. "Totally irresponsible" thundered the top cop "he may have done pranks like this when he was in school, but not in the real world. I know that he is an apprentice and if I was Lord Sugar, I'd be saying 'you're fired'!"

It is unlikely that this latest gaffe from Donaldson will go down very well with UKA, however a source refused to speculate on "the future of any members of the admin team". Last year, Gandy himself was forced to apologise after upsetting the whole of Portugal by telling them that "the Spanish were coming to get them". Donaldson will have to hope that the authorities are equally kind to him.

IS CAPELLO TO BLAME FOR DISTANCE RUNNING SLUMP?

Fabio Capello is tonight facing accusations that he is "single handedly killing British athletics". UKA have confirmed that they are set to file a law suit against the under fire England football manager for "undoubtedly being responsible for everything that is wrong with the sport". The Italian - who is also alleged to have caused the financial crisis - has denied any wrongdoing but this is unlikely to cut any ice with a rampaging Ian Stewart.

"We have investigated the matter fully" said Stewart's Deputy Director of Swearing Affairs (North West Region) "and it is all his [Capello's] fault. The miserable way in which he is leading the football team is definitely impacting how our runners are performing." England currently sit atop their European qualifying group, but this is not enough for UKA. "They should be winning every game by at least 10 goals" continued the spokesman "that way at least the athletes would be motivated".

Poor performances towards the back end of last summer have also been explained by the lacklustre display from England in the World Cup. "What more evidence do you need?" said George Gandy's PA, Alasdair Donaldson (who does not have time to read this site) "as soon as England started playing, everyone's heads dropped. When I was in school.....[unfortunately, the dictaphone then run out of battery]".

The UKA legal team will be asking for "at least £25m" in compensation from Capello personally. The FA will be separately sued for "recklessly" employing Capello.

COULD 'RUNNING MORE' IMPROVE PERFORMANCE?

A landmark study to be published in the Old England Journal of Medicine (OEJM) looks set to leave the athletics world reeling after it has linked "increased training volume" with performative gains. Whilst academics at the echo's favourite University of North Dunstable have stressed that the study is "not yet complete", the interim results look set to blow current approaches to athletics out of the water.

A spokesman for the popular running forum for children, Eightlane dismissed any links between running and performance. Calling the study "irresponsible", the source claimed that academics "failed to provide a single reference athlete". The anonymous insider going by the name 'Interested' added: "it is these sort of gimmicks that are derailing any hopes we have of getting British distance running great again. The best thing athletes can do is wear compression garments, eat lots of supplements, obsess about their diets and whine about other athletes on our forum. Hard training never got anyone anywhere".

The authors of the study stand by their work, with one even disputing whether the "magic necklaces" worn by the likes of Paula Radcliffe actually work. "As we have said, these are early results" stressed the Emeritus Professor "but in at least 80% of our subjects, actual training and not mystery supplements and gluten free bread resulted in positive results". The study also questioned the increasing prevalence of allergies in distance runners - stating that "up to 99% were of questionable origin".

Whether the OEJM study will ultimately win over the doubters is unclear, but with senior UKA officials scrambling to rethink their latest 'training in business attire' experiment, it may already be having an impact.

POST RACE PUNCH UP THE FAULT OF 'HIGH TEMPERATURES'

The IAAF have blasted race organisers of the World Cross Country Championships in Spain and blamed "ridiculously hot conditions" for the post-World Cross fight that marred an otherwise successful day's racing. Speaking exclusively to the lufbra echo, an IAAF source claimed that Ethiopian winner Imana Merga "was not himself" when he accused Team GB's Tom Humprhies of "copying his spikes". Humphries responded by throwing one of the said spikes at his opponent, prompting a sixteen man brawl involving multiple nations. Notorious troublemaker Haile Gebrselassie had to be restrained by police as the great man was seen to provoke matters by attempting to pull down the shorts of several of the rioters.

UK Athletics have called for a "full and frank investigation" into how the race was allowed to take place in conditions "equivalent to a sauna". "It was far too hot" thundered Charles Van Commonee's Assistant Director of Spectacle Affairs "it really got to the guys. You could see how Tadese was just itching to fight. I think we need to look at hosting this race in an air conditioned arena in future." The UKA source dismissed accusations that the Endurance supremo Ian Stewart had become involved in a verbal slagging match with his Ethiopian counterpart. Calling it a "measured and clam discussion" any suggestion that the altercation resulted in Stewart receiving a bloody nose was rejected.

Keen to distance themselves from the debacle, the World Governing body's Vice President - His Lordship Sebastian Coe - said that such matters as the temperature were "local affairs". "Things like that have to be controlled by the local organising committee" said the Lord "I myself had to change shirts three times owing to sweat. It was very poor".

POKING SCANDAL LEAVES HOWE ON BRINK

David Howe and Alasdair Donaldson's relationship is "beyond economical repair" after Donaldson failed to return the Canadian's Facebook 'poke'. Loughborough's assistant coach is understood to have used the feature over the weekend in a bid to show that there were no hard feelings towards George Gandy's PA after the pair clashed at the Ed Prickett Relays. Onlookers were shocked as they had to be separated in a row over Donaldson's cap.

"David is absolutely gutted" said a source close to the academic "he really thought he had a kindred spirit in Alasdair and that together they could take the reigns when Mr Gandy stands down. He is seriously thinking about moving on now." It is not the first time that Donaldson has found himself in hot water over Facebook usage. The tea and coffee man was fined and firmly reprimanded by UKA last year when he deleted Charles Van Commonee and just last week the Daily Mail published an interview with an enraged Dani Christmas claiming she was "ignored" on the site's chat facility.

It is thought that Gandy will look to host "clear the air" talks tomorrow, but with both parties refusing to confirm their attendance a resolution is looking increasingly unlikely. Insiders have told of how the guru is becoming "extremely frustrated with the "pathetic squabbles" between his deputies. Earlier this year, he was forced to publicly revoke John Nutall's parking privileges after he was deemed to of "maliciously" parked in the space reserved for Bill Foster. This latest dispute "could be the straw that breaks the camel's back" according to insiders and "may lead to an embarrassing dismissal" before the week is out.

RUNNING IS 'HARD WORK': REPORT

The sport of long distance running is "jolly difficult" according to a report seen by the lufbra echo. The news comes as some runners at last weekend's Trafford 10k complained of "shortness of breath" at the finish. "I got to 3k" gasped Ricky Stevenson after finishing 3rd "and thought 'this is going to be tough'....at 5k I felt worse". Despite rumours that Stevenson had "forgotten" about the race and so trained hard in the run up, many have said that this is the clearest evidence yet that the sport can be difficult.

Professor W A Ster from the University of North Dubstable who is the lead author of the paper, told the lufbra echo that his findings should "make everyone sit up and pay attention". "It goes along way to explaining why people struggled to convert their dreams into reality" explained the man who found running to be a healthy form of exercise last year "I think that UK Athletics should take this very seriously".

A key finding from the report was that in order to excel in athletics "a significant amount of hard training is required". However, sources close to several top athletes have slammed the findings as "ridiculous". "Hard work never got anyone anywhere" thundered Nick Goolab's Deputy Director of Bag Carrying Affairs "this is just a silly myth designed to scare people - Nick has gone straight for a blood test as a result".

It is not yet clear what the implications of the study will be, but 2012 insiders have said that crisis meetings are to be held over the coming days. "This is what we call a game-changer" said a source "it could have a profound impact on how the Games are structured - if they go ahead at all."

McCOURT BLAMES CUP CAKE INCIDENT FOR EURO SLUMP

Colin McCourt spent the run up to his dismal 1500m European Indoor heat in a Paris police cell, the Lufbra Echo can reveal. The controversial Aldershort star was arrested on Saturday morning following a row at one of the French capital's world famous patisseries and only released with "hours to spare". A spokesman for UK Athletics confirmed that "an unfortunate incident" had taken place. "Colin became upset after he was informed that his favourite flavour of cup cake had run out" said the source "he flew into a vicious rage and we regret to say got very violent indeed."

McCourt's coach - Craig Winrow - was left seething by the affair and accused the French police of "overreacting". "What is the world coming to?" blasted Winrow "a little bit of shouting and a few smashed windows and this is what happens. It's outrageous". Adding that UKA's response time was "pathetic" Winrow claimed that the whole day left his charge "tired and emotional" and wondered whether "Colin will ever be able to race again".

It is understood that McCourt requested the "Fruits de Tropique" cup cake, having become hooked on the flavour on Friday evening. When offered the banana topped goody instead, the 3:37 man was inconsolable and that is when things took a turn for the worst. Onlookers were forced to duck for cover as the star hurled croissants and icing sugar around the store. Speaking after his race, a despondent McCourt called his performance "embarrassing" and slammed his opponents as "weak". "It was a great opportunity against that lot" McCourt told the BBC "I am embarrassed, I don't deserve to be here". Stopping short of apologising, the 26 year-old conceded that his "behaviour needed attention".

UKA refused to speculate on the consequences for McCourt, but it looks likely he will be charged with brining the sport into disrepute and fined up to £15,000.

DASAOLU HANDED FINE AFTER WATER COOLER RUN IN

James Dasaolu has been fined £8,000 and warned about his future conduct after he threw a water cooler from a balcony in Sheffield. The sprint prodigy was said to be irate with the water cooler after the liquid it dispensed did not meet his high standards of cleanliness. Calling it "f****** rank" the Croydon man slammed the cup on the floor and then stunned observers by picking the entire unit up and dumping it over the railing. The cooler fell 20 feet and has not worked since.

It is understood that Dasaolu - who has since apologised for his behaviour - became worked up after struggling for "over an hour" to use the lift. An onlooker said "it was really strange. He couldn't figure out the difference between the ground floor and the first floor. He kept going up and down until one his coaches came to assist him." Dasaolu then had a disappointing workout - which included a heated row with a door that "deliberately closed on him" - before the now infamous water cooler incident.

UKA said that they would now be drawing a line under the matter and denied making an example of Dasaolu. "We could have banned him from competition but decided against it," said a spokesman "the important thing is that he realises that such behaviour is absolutely unacceptable." Dasaolu has been banned from using the indoor facility in Sheffield and will attend a 'water cooler awareness workshop' at UKA Headquarters next month.

BOWSER DEFENDS SHEFFIELD RUN

Matt Bowser's 2012 ambition is "alive and well" despite slumping to one of the worst performances of his career on Sunday. The Lincoln man - who the BBC think won the European title in 2006 - quit the sport at the end of last summer in mysterious circumstances and still faces a misconduct hearing at UKA over a missing Garmin. Having come out of retirement "with 2012 in mind", Bowser stormed to victory in Thursday's Armagh 5k leaving a stunned Johnny Mellor asking "whether he had completed the entire distance". However, his comeback appeared to have stalled on Sunday as he was well beaten in the 3,000m - struggling to a miserable 8:18 clocking.

"You see what happened was" explained Bowser "when I was on the way to the race my three wheel van broke down. I was then forced to steal a mobility scooter from an old aged pensioner and all this before I had even left the end of my street." The 5k star then recounted how he had "driven the scooter into the ground" but only got half a mile closer to Sheffield. Fortunately he had also snatched the old lady's hand bag and so had enough money to pay for a cab - to Manchester. "I figured that the race was there" said a bemused Bowser "I then had to get a plane to Madrid, which is in France I believe. Then I got a plane to New York, then London and got a train to Sheffield from there - it was a nightmare."

Bowser arrived "just 6 minutes before the start" having only had a warm of "twelve miles" from the train station. "Given the circumstances and the fact that I was tired from Armagh, I'm not too disappointed" he said "I am still very much in the running for 2012".

BRENDAN FOSTER SACKED FOR RAISED EYEBROW

Brendan Foster is to have his contract with the BBC terminated after he raised an eyebrow at Jessica Ennis, the Lufbra Echo can reveal. The tubby ex-athlete has been the subject of a torrent of Twitter abuse after a YouTube clip came to light showing him "engaging in an adult conversation about athletics" and "complementing [Ennis] on her good performance last year". "This sort of behaviour is absolutely out of order" thundered a senior Beeb executive "we have made this absolutely clear to Brendan and as a result he will not be working with us again". Foster has not commented officially but he is understood to be "devastated" to have been stripped of his job. "Bren is not a dinosaur" said a close friend "in fact, he views everyone on their own merits and so such behaviour is completely out of character".

Foster is not the only boorish BBC male in hot water. News of his dismissal comes as sound recordings of John Inverdale and Jonathan Edwards discussing the fact that Jemma Simpson had "a nice running style" have been made available online. BBC insiders have told of how this is representative of "an awful atmosphere that belongs in the 1950s". "It's appalling to work around such bigots" said the anonymous source "the other week whilst we were covering the Edinburgh Cross Country, Steve Cram offered me his coat as it was cold. How dated is that attitude? I was hurt and upset, but fear for my job if I go public".

The BBC are reeling from the incidents this evening and it looks inevitable that tough action awaits those who fail to comply with the anti sex discrimination guidelines. "It is high time that female athletes a judged on how they perform rather than how they look" said one such female athlete shortly after a photo shoot "this pre-historic behaviour is appalling".

FULL COVERAGE OF SEX-GATE SCANDAL IN THE ECHO:
- Do women really know the false start rule?
- Why is the women's discuss lighter than the men's? Isn't this discrimination?
- Andy Gray to become Head of Female Athletics at UKA
- Outrage as UKA official "looks female in the eye"

HOWE FACES UKA CHARGE

David Howe is likely to face a lengthy touchline ban and heavy fine after being 'sent to the car' at this afternoon's Birmingham League Division One meeting at Coventry. The Loughborough Assistant Coach was dismissed by the match referee after constantly berating officials over what he called a "laughable piece of marshalling". Howe was left seething when the organisers slightly tweaked the course from previous years in order to maximise the conditions. The Canadian was given his marching orders roughly three minutes into the second half of the race after an altercation with the fourth official.

UKA have confirmed that he will be handed an automatic three race suspension after seeing red, but could face a further charge of "using foul and abusive language" that could lead to a ban of up to 12 weeks. Speaking after the race, Howe conceded that he had "spoken out of turn" by resisted any suggestion that he had used bad language. "That isn't something I would do," said Howe "I admit that I was upset at the way the match was going. I think that it was a bit big for the race referee to be honest, but I should have kept those thoughts to myself."

In a move that is unlikely to win him any friends at UKA, the academic added that he was "becoming increasingly concerned" at the weak officiating seen at recent events. His comments come just days after Bud Buldaro voiced worries over the degree to which officials were influenced by Guru Gandy in the run up to BUCS. "If anything decisions seem to go against us" said Howe "I am not sure how Bud can say that. It is no secret that UKA officials seem to have it in for Loughborough and Loughborough athletes - you just need to look at the way Lewis Moses was treated in the summer. It's very poor and I think it confirms that we need to have another look at race officiating."

NEWS ROUND UP

BULDARO CALLS FOR "STRONGER" OFFICIALS AT BUCS

Birmingham Director of Athletics has called on UKA and BUCS to clamp down on what he calls the "blatant bating of the officials" by fierce rival George Gandy. Buldaro - who is looking to defend the BUCS title on home soil - has said that he is concerned that some "strange" comments from the Guru and Director at Loughborough will sway race stewards on the day. "Look, we all know that the officials have a really really tough job" said Buldaro from a press conference "and they are not helped by certain Directors constantly railing against them. That is a fact. I only hope they can put it out of their minds on the day." For his part, the Guru issued a statement calling the accusations "ludicrous" adding that "they [the remarks] were a sign of the pressure Bud is under". 

THOMPSON HIT WITH CAT INJURY
Chris Thompson faces a spell on the sidelines after being "seriously scratched" by his pet cat, Jemma. The European Silver Medallist required hospital treatment after the cat pounced on him shortly after being fed her breakfast. A spokesman for the athlete said that it was "unlikely" to effect his training too greatly adding that Jemma would be dispatched for a "full claw clipping" and that he hoped that this would help the news desk on a slow day.

EIGHTLANE SILENT ON MCLEOD RUN
Always known to be even handed with their criticism popular running forum for the intellectually challenged, Eightlane have remained eerily and surprisingly quiet on Ryan McLeod's eleventh place (3rd Brit home) at the Edinburgh Cross Country event held last weekend. High praise was lauded on many who fell short of one of the best performances of McLeod's career. One can be sure it is nothing to do with the fact that the very same forum frothed with rage at McLeod's inclusion in the European Cross Country team just last month with one poster wondering whether UKA were getting "value for money" with McLeod's recent trip to Kenya.

SOUTHEND READY TO SPLASH CASH AS TRANSFER WINDOW OPENS

Southend AC have this evening signalled their ambition for the forthcoming summer by approaching no fewer than five big names in the distance running world. The Essex club have recently been taken over by a super-rich paper merchant from Sardinia, who has demanded European Athletics success within the next two years. The Lufbra Echo understands that Southend have made a multi-million pound offer for Morpeth's Nick McCormick and have also expressed an interest in enticing Andrew Lemoncello back to the UK.

Whilst McCormick is well known to be on the look out for a move, it seems unlikely that he would lower himself to Division 3 athletics just for the sake of financial gain. A Morpeth spokesman slammed Southend's "obscene" levels of wealth and said that the club had not ruled out reporting them to UKA. "It's really bad form," thundered the source "they come here with their big Essex chequebooks and try to unsettle our top guys- it's wrong, just wrong". McCormick remained silent on the possibility this evening, but insiders have revealed that the 3:33 1500m could be on the verge of a "career defining move" in the next month.

Lemoncello, meanwhile, was spotted sharing fish and chips with Southend chiefs just last week and sources have let slip that the seaside club could be about to net the British number 1 marathoner. "The Chairman sent a private jet to collect Mr Lemoncello" said the high level aide "it was a really productive discussion and they discussed the merits of setting up a training base in the area." It is understood that Lemoncello "likes the idea of living on an island" and as such is contemplating the purchase of a property on nearby Canvey Island. "We know of a few hills on the isle" continued the source "and so it would be just like training at altitude".

Southend have also had offers for Mo Farah and the athlete formerly known as Geele (now to be called Gala) rejected by Newham and Essex Beagles. However, with Frank Baddick "desperately unhappy" with the new kit at the London club, it looks likely that he will be allowed to leave. Strong Loughborough links have also resulted in leading names such as Gary Bradbury and Rob Whittle "not ruling out" the possibility of a move. "If the set up and club philosophy was right" opined Bradbury "then I would consider the switch. For me, it's all about the feel of a place. If I knew everyone's karma was right then yes, I would look at Southend." A spokesman for the Essex club categorically denied speculation that they were about to or had any intention of ever signing Pete Matthews.