IDOWU ANGERED BY TWITTER BAN

Phillips Idowu has revealed that Charles Van Commonee has confiscated his mobile telephone and personal computer "for the rest of the season" and banned the Triple Jump star from "going near a computer". Van Commonee - who branded Idowu a "clown" on the BBC - is said to be furious that the Belgrave Harrier used Twitter to withdraw from this weekend's European Team Championships.

"It's a total joke" thundered Idowu from a phone box "who the hell does he think he is? I'm the World Champion and yet I can't be trusted with a mobile phone. Ridiculous." The triple jump ace added that it "was none of Van Commonee's business" what he did online. "Where exactly is Charles' Gold medal?" pondered Idowu "when he wants some fashion advice he should call me."

Idowu went on to say that the ban was having a "negative impact" on his performance because he was unable to call the AA when his new car broke down last week. "I tried to fashion a device with a paper cup and a bit of string, but it didn't work" said Idowu "in the rain, the cup just disintegrated".

Van Commonee has defended his decision, but faces serious problems within the Team GB camp after Helen Clitheroe was caught on Facebook chat after lights out yesterday evening and Dwain Chambers was found to be "following" the out of favour Idowu on Twitter. Meanwhile, a row has erupted within the BBC after Denise Lewis 'unfriended' Colin Jackson in a row thought to be over shoes and Jonathan Edwards revealed that he didn't even know what Twitter was.

MANCHESTER CITY GAMES NEWS

Ahead of this weekend's big event in the London of the North, the lufbra echo excites in the build up


OHURUOGU 'FORGETS' TO PAY FOR PARKING

The Olympic 400m Champion has been slapped with a £70.00 fine by Manchester City Council after failing to pay and display during a shopping trip. It is understood that Ohuruogu will appeal the fine on the grounds that she had to "change her shopping plans at the last minute" and "with all the other stress of being an athlete" shouldn't be expected to remember to pay for parking her 4x4 with blacked out windows.

CHAMBERS BANNED FROM ENTERING 'THE NORTH'

Belgrave's Dwain Chambers has been asked not to venture north of the Watford Gap this weekend on the grounds that he may bring adverse publicity to an event designed to laud the success of Track & Field. It is understood that the sprint king successfully appealed an action from the organisers to ask him to leave the country. Greek sprint darling Katerina Thanou is a guest at tonight's gala dinner.

GEB WARNED AFTER PUSHING OVER GAY

Haile Gebrsalassie has been sanctioned by UK Athletics after attempting to push Tyson Gay into the Manchester Canal during a photo-shoot. The marathon world record holder reduced Gay to tears after repeated taunts about his inability to beat Usain Bolt. An insider revealed that the Ethiopian "told Tyson that even Bolt was a part timer and still much better than him. It was then that he pushed him over but he didn't quite fall in the canal". UKA held a private meeting between the two parties but refused to elaborate on what action - if any - would be taken.

24 HOUR SECURITY PROMISED AFTER THEFT

The 150m straight track was stolen by some visiting Liverpudlians, the lufbra echo can reveal. It is understood that the group - thought to be associated with Liverpool Harriers and led by Johnny Mellor - rolled the track up and put in the back of a Vauxhaull Astra estate (1.6l, XXXL exhaust, no hubcaps). Officials have condemned the theft and stated that David Oliver had now been placed on permanent guard of the new track.

ALL CROSS COUNTRY EVENTS CANCELLED: UKA

All Cross Country events for the rest of the season have been cancelled because of the snow. UK Athletics released a brief statement this evening blaming Dwain Chambers for the extraordinary action and advising all race organisers against flouting the regulation. The spokesman did not rule out banning the sport all together "in the interests of everyone" but said that the governing body would "make every effort" to run some semblance of a calender next season. The news comes as the majority of Western European governing bodies take similar action, with USA Track and Field holding a crisis meeting early next week. The World Cross - set to take place in Spain next year - has already been axed.

EUROPEAN BORN ATHLETE WINS EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP SCANDAL

European Athletics are tonight launching an investigation into the "farcical scenes" that marred today's European Cross Country Championships. In what senior officials have branded "a deeply sad and shocking day", not one but three athletes of European birth scooped an individual title. "What's the point of these competitions if non-Europeans can't come and dominate?" thundered a senior aide to the President "it is a complete nonsense. We will be looking into this and believe that it is likely to be the fault of the British."

A UKA spokesman dismissed the accusations as "hysterical" and "made in the heat of the moment" but did concede that the Championships were "effectively a waste of time" after Charlotte Purdue stormed to victory in the Junior Women's race. "That set the tone for a hugely embarrassing day" said the official "with Augusto [the Portuguese female] also winning a title, it is a dark day for this event and then Lebid crowned a proper disaster." Going on to state that "if anyone was to blame then Dwain Chambers was likely to be at fault" the source said that UKA would be "fully compliant" with any investigation.

A bad day got worse for the Spanish as the vast majority of their team suddenly had "pressing personal matters" to attend to back in Madrid. A well placed insider at the Spanish federation mused on "what the point of importing a load of African runners was if they weren't allowed to race".

LIVERPOOL COUNCIL DENY 'FLOOD' CLAIMS

Liverpool City Council have this evening mounted a rigorous defence of accusations that they have been flooding Sefton Park ahead of the European Cross Country Trials this weekend. It is understood that the plan is designed to "get one over" the athletes who have been training in Kenya, thus opening the door for the "non-pussies" to qualify for the Championships. An insider told an investigator from the Sun newspaper how the authorities were out late at night turning fire hydrants over the course and that the practice had "gone on for years".

The reports - which have been described as "hysterical" by the Council - will come as a major blow to race organisers UKA, as they seek to recover from the "catastrophe" that was last year's event. At the time, the Governing Body launched an internal inquiry into how and why positions were allocated on photographic evidence, with the results clearly pointing the finger at Dwain Chambers. "It was all Dwain's fault" said Ian Stewart "and we have taken steps to insure that he can't sabotage yet another UKA event." UKA chiefs were forced to deny that they had "picked names out of a hat" in order to select the team for last year's Championships.

Many have called for a move away from the Sefton Park course after some athletes had to be rescued from the horrendously muddy "loop" last year. However, UKA have resisted the pressure on the grounds of their "excellent working relationship" with the Council. With tonight's revelations, there now are surely gravely serious concerns hanging over the event.

'ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN FINAL' SHOCK

The British athletics community is reeling from the revelation that "anything can happen in a final". It seems that theory was developed by top UKA boffins and has been drilled into every single athlete competing, either that or it is a competition to see how many times you can say the phrase. Alas, Echo favourite, James Dasaolu was unable to see if anything could happen as he did not manage to make the final of the 100m. Speaking shortly before the Championships, Dasaolu confidently told Phil Jones of the BBC that "firstly, I want to make the final....anything can happen in a final....firstly, I want to win a medal. In order to win a medal, I have to make the final". Right.

Further credence was given to the theory last night when Mark Lewis-Francis (self styled: MLF) stormed to a silver medal in 10.18 seconds- just 0.6s off the World Record. It was incredibly unfortunate for the BBC as they spent much of the time we all had to wait for the result pondering what colour medal Dwain Chambers might have won. Completely oblivious to the fact that Lewis-Francis had quite literally rolled his way to silver, Denise Lewis and Colin Jackson launched into a post mortem on Chambers' race: "he over strides and it cost him the race...it might even be that Bronze," opined Jackson of Chambers (who finished fifth), before confirming that Lamaitre "so certainly" won the race. In fact, so sure were Beeb producers that Lewis-Francis was not going to win a medal that they didn't even bother to put a front-on camera in his lane, thus meaning viewers were robbed of the opportunity to hear the pundits' views on his facial expressions.

"I'm so happy right about now," said Lewis-Francis of his "new beginning", before ruining his moment by deciding to speak in the third-person: "this is the new Mark Lewis-Francis". Is it? Would that be the same "new" Lewis-Francis who actually ran quicker a few years ago, won an Olympic (relay) medal and then went on to test positive for marijuana in 2005? Perhaps not. Thankfully, the BBC had wasted so long dwelling on the demise of Chambers that we weren't able to find out much about MLF's views on his medal. He did, however, state that it "was all thanks to Linford [Christie, Lewis-Francis' coach and convicted drug cheat]" before going onto say that it was also thanks to just about everyone else in the stadium.

Lewis-Francis was clearly delighted and rightly so. But he wasn't half as delighted as Steve Cram was when Chambers failed to medal: "Chambers has crumbled!" he gleefully proclaimed before continuing his pre-race love in with the victorious Frenchman. Oh well, Steve, we all agree that we shouldn't ever forgive people for their past mistakes- particularly cheats! Just like I hate people who run off and cheat on their wives when they have kids at home. I'm sure you'll agree.

AAAs AND MORE......

BIRMINGHAM SET FOR UK CHAMPS

Security is set to be “tighter than ever before” at the UK Championships, according to UKA insiders. It is believed that UKA have tightened the ticketing policy after thousands of touts were arrested outside the ground last year and many fans were turned away having bought counterfeit tickets. The ugly scenes that appeared on the final Sunday of the 2009 event- with many desperate supporters charging the gate in a bid to get inside- are the subject of an ongoing judicial review, the results of which will be published later this year. A senior UKA source said that lessons would be learned from past mistakes. “The police have doubled their provision,” said the member of Neils De Vos’ office, “I think it is fair to say we underestimated the animosity that existed between rival sets of fans last year.” Crowd segregation is to be “absolute” for the first time since the Coe-Ovett era, a time that saw many hooligans handed life bans.

On the track, UKA chiefs have been keen to play down rumours that the distance events will suffer from being so close to the Trafford Grand Prix to be held on Tuesday. Event organisers from Stretford have been talking up their “tremendous fields” and “cast iron guarantees from top guns” and this has angered some inside UKA. “I am certain that the National Championships will prevail,” said UKA’s events secretary, “we have made it clear to all at Trafford that such scheduling in future will be viewed very dimly.”

BEEB COMMITS TO ‘MORE COVERAGE THAN EVER’

The BBC have confirmed that the athletics will be given “prime time billing” and as such “at least 45 minutes” of live action will be shown over the course of the weekend. It is at this stage unclear who will be anchoring the coverage as Sue Barker is tied up at Wimbledon and the rest of the BBC Sport team has been dispatched to South Africa. An insider said, “to be honest, we could have done with England going out on Wednesday. We need some guys back here.” Jonathan Edwards once again “failed to impress” in his anchorage of the European Team Championships last weekend, and thus it seems likely that Hazel Irvine will be brought out of the wilderness she has inhabited since the now infamous Crystal Palace-gate last year. Irvine courted heavy criticism after looking like she was about to “burst with excitement” at the news of a failed Jamaican drug test and was accused of “going to pieces” when attempting to interview Usain Bolt. The BBC have not yet confirmed whether Phil Jones will be available to ask athletes “how they feel”, as he was last seen harassing exhausted tennis players in SW19.

CAPELLO IN SHOCK VISIT TO McLEOD PREPARATION SESSION



VAN COMMENEE SUPPORTS DRUG CHEATS ‘BECAUSE HE GREW UP IN AMSTERDAM’

Angry Eightlaners have hit out at UKA’s performance chief after he was seen to show support to Britain’s number one sprinter, Dwain Chambers. In some fearful reviews on the popular running forum, Van Commonee is accused of “[spending] many of his formative years in the cafes of Amsterdam” on the grounds that he lived “in the suburbs” as a youngster. The anonymous poster, who presumably did not spend many of his/her formative years in the schools of England, went on to add “someone in UKA who does understand the British public needs to have a quiet word”. ‘Outlook’, clearly horrified by the situation, added: “there is wacky backy and hash cake on sale in every city centre bar”. This, coupled with his “suicidal” backing of Chambers, clearly proves that Van Commenee must have spent his entire childhood doped up and is now causing “Women’s Institute types [to be] switching off their televisions in disgust” [‘Point’ et al.,2010]. One can’t help but feel that the Dutchman’s position is now untenable and his resignation will surely follow.

ISNER AND MAHUT MATCH LONGER THAN RADCLIFFE TRAINING RUN

The Wimbledon tennis match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut lasted longer than one of Paula Radcliffe’s ‘medium length’ runs. The revelation comes as Radcliffe lambasted members of the press for praising the two players’ staying power. “This is the problem with tennis players,” fumed the usually placid Radcliffe, “they stay on court for a little longer than they would have hoped and suddenly they want they earth. It’s pathetic.” Revealing that she has “warmed down for longer than their entire match”, Radcliffe maintained that she did not train too hard. “If other people spent the time I did running, then maybe we wouldn’t be in the mess that we are now in,” she said from her toe strengthening suite, “my injuries are nothing to do with over training.” In an unusually vocal mood, Radcliffe also furiously denied speculation that her next child would be named ‘Nike’.

VAN COMMENEE “SCARIER THAN CAPELLO” SHOCK

ICE MAN: Van Commenee is famed for his deathly stare of disapproval

Charles Van Commenee has been branded as “downright frightening” by several leading British athletes as they return home from Norway and the European Team Championships. Dwain Chambers described a “look that could kill a thousand elephants” when the sprint ace was spotted using a mobile telephone at the dinner table. “He grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and marched me outside,” said the Belgrave man, “I have never been so terrified. He didn’t even say anything and just looked at me like the Demon Headmaster.” Elsewhere, Emily Freeman said that she was “losing sleep” at the thought of letting Van Commenee down. “I can’t think straight when I am around him,” said the 200m Olympic Semi-Finalist, “I think it’s those glasses, they just make you shiver.” Despite the official line emerging from the Team GB camp that Chris Thompson was ruled out through illness, insiders have revealed that it was actually because of a major bust up with the UKA performance chief. “Chris was sent home,” confirmed a camp insider, “he called Mr. Van Commenee ‘CVC’ and then there was a very big argument. I saw Chris emerge from the meeting in tears and then went straight to the airport.” This is not the first time that somebody has made such a gaffe. Steve Lewis was forced to apologise to the supremo after failing to register a legal height and was accused of mumbling the ‘Van’ portion of the name. Sources have said that Lewis was forced to write out Mr. Van Commenee’s name 1,000 times before being allowed to eat his supper of dried toast and water.

When asked about his demeanour by some fearless (and now barred) journalists, Van Commenee said that he had to “up his game” in the scary stakes as Fabio Capello was “hogging all the attention”. “He [Capello] thinks that by forcing everyone to eat together and banning the WAGs, he is some kind of hero,” snapped Van Commenee, “well, how many of his players has he made cry? How many letters from parents has he had?” Independent observers have confirmed that it is “very likely” that the Dutchman has a greater capacity to scare that Don Fabio. The Court of Arbitration for Sport have twice warned Van Commenee over his “intimidating behaviour” after many athletes complained that they felt “unduly stressed” in his presence. A spokesman for CAS revealed that the UKA top man would have received a firmer punishment but he succeeded in "terrifying" the entire panel of independent judges.

TEAM GB IN CRISIS AFTER STRING OF BUST UPS

UK Athletics have been keen to play down what some are calling the "biggest crisis in the history of British sport". Officials were hurriedly flown to Norway late last night amid fears that some of the nation's best athletes were on the brink of a mass walk out from the European Team Championships. Insiders have told of a "massive row" between team captain Mo Farah and long jumper Chris Tomlinson over what is fast becoming known as 'TV-Gate' and anger has also been expressed at Charles Van Commonee's decision to remove all mobile telephones from the athletes. "Chris and Mo fell out when Tommo [Tomlinson] couldn't work the tele," said a source close to both athletes, "we missed most of the first half because Tommo insisted on watching the Big Brother eviction." Farah was said to be fuming when Tomlinson demanded a front row seat for the entire game, despite pledging a swap at half time. Farah's official spokesman said that his charge was also upset at the "repulsive" accommodation. "I told Mo that he is going to have to tough it out this time," said the spokesman, "he was heavily criticised when he skipped the World Cross after party".

Van Commonee has caused a great deal of unrest after confiscating the mobile phones of all the athletes and banned them from access to "any fun whatsoever". Defending his decision, the bespectacled chief said "all smiling is banned. Even if they do well. Athletes have been having way too much fun in this country and that has to stop." This decision has caused outcry with many athletes slamming the treatment as "barbaric". An unnamed female athlete said that she was "unlikely to perform well in such a horrific, slave-like environment. It's like prison, pure and simple." It is thought that a coup organised by Dwain Chambers only failed when he inadvertently got the timings wrong- completely misunderstanding the time difference in Norway.

Elsewhere, Colin McCourt has been isolated by his team mates when he chose to wear an Algeria shirt on Friday evening. The Scot clashed violently with Martyn Rooney, who attempted to rip the shirt off his back after the England football team had failed to impress in the World Cup. McCourt was heard to be singing into the early hours and it was only when Ian Stewart told him something so awful that we cannot report it, that he went to bed.

UKA will no doubt be hoping for a quieter end to the Championships today, but with vaulter Steve Lewis having yet another argument with his pole after no-heighting, it looks like wishful thinking.