OLYMPIC ROUND UP

VERNON 'MISTAKE' BREAKS 2012 CLOCK

STOPPAGE TIME: Vernon 'did not know' the clock required constant power

Andy Vernon has apologised after mistakenly pulling the plug on the 'Countdown to 2012' clock in Central London. The Aldershot man told his official website that he had "had a nightmare" when looking for somewhere to charge the battery on his mobile phone. Organisers have called the blunder "hugely embarrassing" and have not ruled out handing Vernon a hefty bill. 

TICKETS 'SHOULDN'T BE SOLD TO POOR PEOPLE': COE

Lord Coe looks set to cause a stir after claiming that tickets for blue-ribboned events should only be sold to "the most well off" and "uneducated tramps" should not be allowed in. "The Games is not for everyone" said his Lordship "it would be dreadful to have commoners wandering around in the background of the 100m". It is understood that LOCOG will be banning the wearing of hoodies, low hanging jeans and anything made by Burberry in a bid to discourage "hoipolloi" from coming near.

ENNIS GETS COLD, BBC IN CRISIS

The BBC are preparing for what senior executives have called "the worst case scenario" after Jessica Ennis caught a cold sidelining the World Heptathlon Champion for "at least a day". "An Olympics without Jess would not be an Olympics at all" said the BBC's Director of Ennis Output (Southern Region) "worse still, if she turns up and then doesn't win - hours of pre-prepared footage will be wasted". A Beeb insider told the echo that the Corporation had rushed a "dedicated medic" to be at Ennis' side and denied that they were overreacting.

OLYMPICS 'COST A FORTUNE' SHOCK

The British sporting world is reeling from the news that the Olympic Games actually cost a lot of money. Furious protestors have taken to the streets of the East End to demand that the "wasteful" projects are halted immediately and a 24 hour Asda is built in place of the Olympic Stadium. It is understood that the Games Cleaning Directorate (fresh from the Commonwealth Games cleaning project) are about to walk out in sympathy. "I am shocked at how much this is all costing" said a senior executive at Lloyds Banking Group "I really do wonder how Lord Coe and his team sleep at night" 

AFTER ALL THE CONTROVERSY THE ECHO ASKS: WERE THE COMMONWEALTHS A SUCCESS?

No.

SPECTATOR ATTENDS COMMONWEALTHS SHOCK

A spectator has been seen attending the Commonwealth Games in Delhi, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. In a devastating blow for the Games' organisers, the observer was spotted slipping into the swimming arena. "This is an absolute disgrace," said a Delhi local "we were promised that if we went along with these Games and pretended that there were absolutely no issues with poverty whatsoever - which there aren't - no one would turn up to watch."

Shocked athletes voiced their own disappointment. "Well it's really upsetting isn't it?" said an unnamed athlete, "we figured that we didn't need to prepare because no one really cares about the Commies. Now there are even rumours that more than ten people may show up." A Team England spokesman was keen to play down what he called "speculation and nothing more". "There is absolutely no evidence that people are coming to watch or have any intention of doing so," said the senior source who pitched in with the cleaning effort prior to the Games beginning, "this is just media scaremongering".

Games insiders have hailed the "unqualified success" that was the opening ceremony. "No one watched it at all," said a senior executive "thank goodness. I think we are proving all our critics wrong now."