IS CAPELLO TO BLAME FOR DISTANCE RUNNING SLUMP?

Fabio Capello is tonight facing accusations that he is "single handedly killing British athletics". UKA have confirmed that they are set to file a law suit against the under fire England football manager for "undoubtedly being responsible for everything that is wrong with the sport". The Italian - who is also alleged to have caused the financial crisis - has denied any wrongdoing but this is unlikely to cut any ice with a rampaging Ian Stewart.

"We have investigated the matter fully" said Stewart's Deputy Director of Swearing Affairs (North West Region) "and it is all his [Capello's] fault. The miserable way in which he is leading the football team is definitely impacting how our runners are performing." England currently sit atop their European qualifying group, but this is not enough for UKA. "They should be winning every game by at least 10 goals" continued the spokesman "that way at least the athletes would be motivated".

Poor performances towards the back end of last summer have also been explained by the lacklustre display from England in the World Cup. "What more evidence do you need?" said George Gandy's PA, Alasdair Donaldson (who does not have time to read this site) "as soon as England started playing, everyone's heads dropped. When I was in school.....[unfortunately, the dictaphone then run out of battery]".

The UKA legal team will be asking for "at least £25m" in compensation from Capello personally. The FA will be separately sued for "recklessly" employing Capello.

POST RACE PUNCH UP THE FAULT OF 'HIGH TEMPERATURES'

The IAAF have blasted race organisers of the World Cross Country Championships in Spain and blamed "ridiculously hot conditions" for the post-World Cross fight that marred an otherwise successful day's racing. Speaking exclusively to the lufbra echo, an IAAF source claimed that Ethiopian winner Imana Merga "was not himself" when he accused Team GB's Tom Humprhies of "copying his spikes". Humphries responded by throwing one of the said spikes at his opponent, prompting a sixteen man brawl involving multiple nations. Notorious troublemaker Haile Gebrselassie had to be restrained by police as the great man was seen to provoke matters by attempting to pull down the shorts of several of the rioters.

UK Athletics have called for a "full and frank investigation" into how the race was allowed to take place in conditions "equivalent to a sauna". "It was far too hot" thundered Charles Van Commonee's Assistant Director of Spectacle Affairs "it really got to the guys. You could see how Tadese was just itching to fight. I think we need to look at hosting this race in an air conditioned arena in future." The UKA source dismissed accusations that the Endurance supremo Ian Stewart had become involved in a verbal slagging match with his Ethiopian counterpart. Calling it a "measured and clam discussion" any suggestion that the altercation resulted in Stewart receiving a bloody nose was rejected.

Keen to distance themselves from the debacle, the World Governing body's Vice President - His Lordship Sebastian Coe - said that such matters as the temperature were "local affairs". "Things like that have to be controlled by the local organising committee" said the Lord "I myself had to change shirts three times owing to sweat. It was very poor".

UKA CONCERN AT LIVERPOOL CONDITIONS

UK Athletics have expressed their "horror" at the weather forecast for tomorrow's Liverpool Cross Challenge. It is understood that after last year's selection fiasco, all selectors are being forced to "actually attend" the event and as such are "mortified" at the prospect of the sub-zero temperatures expected tomorrow. "It is totally unreasonable" thundered a spokesperson for Director of Endurance, Ian Stewart "you wouldn't treat a slave like this. Ian has had to order a massive fur coat and had the UKA logo embroidered on it just to survive the cold".

The endurance team are thought to be furious at a demand from UKA chiefs that they must show an interest in "each and every event, even the senior women". It is also rumoured that the VIP lounge that has been laid on at most other events has been scrapped in the name of austerity. Insiders have expressed fears that if selectors are allowed to mingle with "normal Liverpudlians" there could be trouble. "I hear that security has been relaxed this year" said a source "it could mean that the selectors are held to account by the athletes and that could be awful". Police have already confirmed that "a number of known trouble makers" will not be permitted at Sefton Park tomorrow- Mick Woods is said to be appealing the decision.

Speaking from his holiday home in the Maldives, UKA supremo Neils De Vos was unrepentant and largely unsympathetic. "I think it is appropriate that the whole team is there. It's not all that bad and they can rally together and see it as a sort of camping trip" said De Vos. "It's just such a shame that I can't be there as I have pressing athletics related business to deal with out here".

De Vos' demands have been heavily criticised by athletics guru, George Gandy. The guru was told in no uncertain terms that it would not be acceptable to despatch his PA Alasdair Donaldson to the event and Gandy wondered "what the point of an apprentice was if you couldn't send him to do chores". "After all," he continued "you don't have a dog and bark yourself." The assistant is instead to remain in Loughborough and transcribe the results into an email ready to send out to all and sundry. Donaldson - who does not have the time to read this site - is said to be "delighted" with his assignment and aims to maintain the high standards his emails have thus far exhibited.

LIVERPOOL COUNCIL DENY 'FLOOD' CLAIMS

Liverpool City Council have this evening mounted a rigorous defence of accusations that they have been flooding Sefton Park ahead of the European Cross Country Trials this weekend. It is understood that the plan is designed to "get one over" the athletes who have been training in Kenya, thus opening the door for the "non-pussies" to qualify for the Championships. An insider told an investigator from the Sun newspaper how the authorities were out late at night turning fire hydrants over the course and that the practice had "gone on for years".

The reports - which have been described as "hysterical" by the Council - will come as a major blow to race organisers UKA, as they seek to recover from the "catastrophe" that was last year's event. At the time, the Governing Body launched an internal inquiry into how and why positions were allocated on photographic evidence, with the results clearly pointing the finger at Dwain Chambers. "It was all Dwain's fault" said Ian Stewart "and we have taken steps to insure that he can't sabotage yet another UKA event." UKA chiefs were forced to deny that they had "picked names out of a hat" in order to select the team for last year's Championships.

Many have called for a move away from the Sefton Park course after some athletes had to be rescued from the horrendously muddy "loop" last year. However, UKA have resisted the pressure on the grounds of their "excellent working relationship" with the Council. With tonight's revelations, there now are surely gravely serious concerns hanging over the event.

NEWHAM SALE FACES HIGH COURT TEST

The sale of one of England's most successful clubs - Newham and Essex Beagles - has been thrown into chaos this evening after one of its suitors failed a fit and proper persons test. The club is saddled with £750,000,000,000 of debt and there are genuine fears that it could go into administration if it parent company fails to meet HMRC deadlines later this month. Such a move would mean an automatic 9 minute addition to any time recorded by any Newham athlete this year. It was hoped that the famous Black and Yellows would be snapped up by a rich American tycoon who had promised to release the club of its financial burden and set in motion plans to build a new stadium. However, the billionaire has been refused permission to purchase the club after caving in under questioning from UKA attack dog, Ian Stewart.

Whilst this is a sad day for a famous old club, many have said that they have seen this coming for a while. When Newham signed Frank Baddick for £30,000,000 and then proceeded to pay Mo Farah £150,000 per week (making him the second best paid athlete in the country after Paula Radcliffe), it was clear that this was no way to run a business. Prize money from the Southern Six Stage will go some way to filling the gaping whole in the club's finances but with news emerging that they have had to let Robbie Schofield's private shoe assistant go there are fresh concerns over the future.

An insider revealed that replica kit sales had been "catastrophic" this year and Asics were considering pulling the plug after years of loyal support. "It seems that Newham are not bringing in the punters overseas any more," said the source "Chris Thompson is the new international hero now and the Chinese are crazy about him. Aldershot will do well to cling on to his services." Meanwhile, Newham are left with an enormous salary bill and staring oblivion square in the face.

UKA MUST SHARE THE LOVE IF RECOVERY IS TO CONTINUE

The 2010 athletics season will be largely remembered as the year that British distance running remerged from its hiatus of nearly three decades. The performances of Mo Farah and Chris Thompson in Barcelona were no doubt inspirational and Farah’s imperious performance in relieving Dave Moorcroft of his 28 year-old British 5,000m record was one of the season’s many highlights. Strangely, after a cross country season where UKA were lambasted from pillar to post (deservedly so in some cases), something appears to have gone at least half-right over the summer. The performances of Stephanie Twell and Michael Rimmer also show that the middle distances are, whilst not thriving, making solid progress under Stewart, Gandy et al. Whilst it is important not to get carried away – the European Championships are a fair way from World Class as was demonstrated at the Crystal Palace hangover – the British performances in a scandal-free Barcelona will have gone someway to reengaging the British public at large with Track and Field athletics. The only risk being that televisions across the nation are quickly turned off again when the viewer is forced to endure a tortuous interview by Phil Jones or some useless analysis from Denise ‘110%’ Lewis.

With the top level of the sport doing fine (if not well), attention will no doubt shift to the up and comers. It is here that excitement can perhaps be tempered. With some very notable exceptions (Niall Brooks, Richard Goodman and several female 800m runners), this has been a summer without significant breakthroughs. The number of men who are regularly running under 3:40 for 1500m this summer has been lower than ever before and promising winters (and proclamations of 3:36 not being a problem) have come to very little. Whilst bad luck, injury and illness has to take at least some of the flack, the British Milers Club too has seemed a little jaded this summer. This scribe has been one of the BMC’s most outspoken advocates and did himself enter into a pointless dispute on Eightlane about the organisation of the Watford Grand Prix. However, now looking back over the course of the season, it has become clear that all is not what it was.

The aim of the BMC is to advance the performances of the middle-distances by producing a number of quality races throughout the summer. There are many who will question the efficacy of paced races and their role in developing the racing instincts of an athlete, however there is no doubt that this is a sport that is fundamentally judged by time. Therefore, you would think that an organisation that nobly claims its raison d’être is to advance the sport would do their best to ensure that timing was accurate. Alas, timekeepers have been repeatedly embarrassed by the wonderful new initiative that is Athleticos. It has been clear to everybody except those who matter that the timing at several races was completely wrong and yet little has been done to rectify the problems. This culminated in the ultimate humiliation of one evening’s race times being completely void after protocol had been thrown out of the window; several athletes made personal breakthroughs to no avail. One is well aware that this sport relies upon volunteers to run it and it is with a heavy heart that they must be criticised. But the fact remains that when you pay £5 to enter a race, the very least you expect at the end of it is a time that counts. For a timekeeper to allow a race to be run without a starting pistol is the equivalent of a football referee arriving without a whistle. However voluntary, it is unacceptable.

Having alluded to pacemaking, it seems prudent to evaluate it. There are mixed feelings surrounding whether such races are really a good thing. Do they teach the athlete to actually race, or simply teach them to brainlessly follow? Either way, it is irrelevant; the BMC advertise Grand Prix and Gold Standard races on the premise that they will be paced to suit the athletes within each race. Why then were there, in some cases, only 2 pace makers to cover 7 events? Why were ‘A’ 1500m Gold Standard races going with a pacemaker who could only go as far as 500m and some without a pacer at all? It cannot be disputed that quality pacemakers are difficult to come by, but it costs money to enter and it is generally understood that this money is used to pay pacemakers.

Perhaps the BMC has been a victim of its own success. More and more athletes are seeking places with less and less willing to take on the burden of pacemaking. The blame should not be laid squarely at the door of those in charge. The high standard of this organisation means that when these standards slip ever so slightly, it is jumped upon. It has been a fabulous summer and the BMC has no doubt played its part in that. With UKA deservedly patting itself on the back for a job well done in Barcelona, perhaps a little of that good will should cascade down to a bit of funding for an organisation that will doubtless continue to offer a quality platform of British distance talent across the country. Such funding might just make that quality a little higher.

VAN COMMENEE RUES GANDY BET

Charles Van Commenee has been forced to appear on live television in a ridiculous hat after losing a bet with athletics guru, George Gandy. The hat (pictured above) was described by one UKA official as “the most laughable garment ever made” and Van Commenee was less than delighted at having to get through the already tortuous interview with the BBC's Phil Jones wearing it. “Charles bet George that he could not eat his entire helping of paella,” revealed an insider, “Gandy promptly downed the lot in less than 10 minutes and still had room for dessert.” It is understood that had Gandy lost the bet, he would have had to have watched Lisa Dobriskey’s race wearing an “I LOVE JAMAL” t-shirt.

UKA Chief Execuitve Niels De Vos is unlikely to look kindly on the antics of the pair, after having to apologise for a string of pranks that culminated in Ian Stewart spending the night in a police cell at the World Indoors earlier in the year. “We will do all we can to ensure that everything is professional,” said the arriving chief this morning, “we are here to watch athletics and not have fun.”

POLICE IN FRESH BOWSER APPEAL

ON THE RUN: Police have warned the public not to approach Mr. Bowser

Police hunting UKA’s most wanted athlete, Matt Bowser have issued a fresh appeal for help this evening. It is believed that the Lincoln man has disappeared with a “cherished” Garmin and owes “at least one” athlete some money. The 3:43 1500m man- who was linked to a drugs scandal earlier this year- has been missing for “a few days” and although stopping short of offering a reward for his capture, police have said they “would really appreciate” some information on his whereabouts. “Mr. Bowser is not to be approached under any circumstances,” said Dt. Supt. Lukatme, “he could be carrying anything from a spike key to some recovery shake and could cause serious harm. If any member of the public sees him, they should report it to a Police Officer immediately.”

Specially trained administrators have been drafted in from UKA’s offices in the quest for the missing Garmin. At their own press conference today, a UKA spokesman called on the Lincoln man to safely return the gadget. “I want to say this to Mr. Bowser,” said Ian Stewart’s press secretary, “it’s not too late. All we want is the Garmin back where it belongs safe and sound. We can deal with the other problems later. Matt, from the bottom of our UKA pockets, we ask you to just bring the Garmin home.” It is hoped that the emotive appeal- along with three days of expensive press advertising- will prise Bowser from wherever he is hiding. However, many believe that Bowser is unlikely to be seen again. “He’s done a runner,” opined a taxi driver close to where the star athlete grew up, “he used to run off without paying for taxi rides when he was a lad…..still owes me £4.50 from 1997”.

Do you know where Matt Bowser is hiding? Can you help us find him? If you know anything, however minor or insignificant you think it is, please contact the Echo to help us catch the wretch (and in doing so seek a load of good publicity and get “in there” with UKA!) The Echo is offering a free Parker pen to the first person to provide useful information, so get hunting!

NEWS ROUND-UP.......

The Echo rounds up everything you need to know....

LAUNDRY GAFFE LEAVES WELL KNOWN SPORTS BRAND FUMING

A “washing mix up” from one of the foremost distance runners in the country has left his sponsors “absolutely disappointed”, the Lufbra Echo can reveal. The athlete, who is based in the North West of England, was photographed last week running away from a swan and clearly wearing another company’s kit. Whilst the names of both the athlete in question and the companies involved cannot be revealed, we can confirm that the individual “does not wish” to terminate his contract. A well-placed source told the Echo that the error was owing to “reds being washed with whites”. “[Unnamed athlete] is very well known in [the area in which he lives] and as such did not want to be seen training in pink kit….the locals around here can be quite mean”. The sports brand is said to be “one of the top three” in the world and is thought to be “considering its options”. An insider at the brand said: “I can tell you that this has gone to the very highest level. The top man has been recalled from his holiday to discuss it and nothing is being ruled out at this stage.”

NEWHAM IN ARAB TALKS

Newham and Essex Beagles look set to be taken over by a syndicate of wealthy Dubai-based businessman, the Lufbra Echo understands. It is believed that the group are buying the club as there “are no football clubs left” and have promised “European Domination” within the next three years. It is understood that George Gandy and Ian Stewart have already been approached to head up the venture and other “top stars” are said to be involved. Newham have had some well catalogued financial troubles since they paid “several pounds” to secure the services of Alasdair Donaldson. An insider told of the “eye watering” salaries that athletes receive. “[Robbie] Schofield gets paid five pounds per race,” said the anonymous source, “and I know that Frank Baddick has been looking for a pay rise. You can’t sustain a business like that.” Newham’s woes were added to when they released their “disappointing” kit for the new season. One retail analyst said that consumers “just were not interested” in the bright yellow designs. Some have indicated that the kit will be the first thing changed by the new owners as well as “hugely exciting” potential bids for the likes of Kenenisa Bekele and Pete Matthews. Matthews' club have since issued a "come and get him" call to the London club.

ARMSTRONG ONCE TOOK “SOME IBUPROFEN”: LANDIS

With the Tour de France getting underway today, it is traditional for previously disgraced riders to publish some accusations about former team mates. This year was no different, but Floyd Landis’ sensational revelation has left many in the sport reeling. “I clearly saw Lance take several ibuprofen tablets during training,” frothed Landis in this morning’s Wall Street Journal, “he claimed to have a headache, but we all know that he just wanted to stop some inflammation….it made be so physically sick that I went and took a load of testosterone to get over it.” The story will come as a relief to Tour officials as there were rumours that this year’s Tour was set to be “scandal free” after the Echo blew the lid on a negative test at the Giro D’Italia in May. An insider said: “thank goodness for Floyd! We didn’t need much more from him after he so generously lit up the 2006 Tour by taking more testosterone than all of the world’s top sprinters put together.” Other sources have indicated that Tour chiefs will be writing to Landis in order to thank him for the interviews along with a request that he test positive again at next year’s Tour. “I do love a good life ban,” said one interested observer.

EBAY SCAM LEAVES LOUGHBOROUGH STAR OUT OF POCKET

One of the “lesser athletes” at Loughborough University has been the victim of an eBay scam. The athlete in question was said to be trying to replace his faulty iPhone with an “absolute bargain” from the popular bidding website. A source close to the long-distance man said that he “could not understand” what went wrong. “It seemed completely legitimate,” said the insider, “all he had to do was leave £330 in used notes underneath a stolen car in Leicester and the phone was then going to be sent out to a derelict house just outside Nottingham.” It is thought that the star did not realise that he had been conned until he received a mug through the post. “He’s really cross,” our source went on, “we all agreed that it seemed perfectly normal.” The athlete in question is undergoing counselling for the loss of his iPhone and is being forced to use a “normal phone like normal people.” It is hoped, however, that Ryan McLeod- currently using the iPhone 9th Generation (not yet released)- will let him look at one of the older phones from time to time.

TEAM GB IN CRISIS AFTER STRING OF BUST UPS

UK Athletics have been keen to play down what some are calling the "biggest crisis in the history of British sport". Officials were hurriedly flown to Norway late last night amid fears that some of the nation's best athletes were on the brink of a mass walk out from the European Team Championships. Insiders have told of a "massive row" between team captain Mo Farah and long jumper Chris Tomlinson over what is fast becoming known as 'TV-Gate' and anger has also been expressed at Charles Van Commonee's decision to remove all mobile telephones from the athletes. "Chris and Mo fell out when Tommo [Tomlinson] couldn't work the tele," said a source close to both athletes, "we missed most of the first half because Tommo insisted on watching the Big Brother eviction." Farah was said to be fuming when Tomlinson demanded a front row seat for the entire game, despite pledging a swap at half time. Farah's official spokesman said that his charge was also upset at the "repulsive" accommodation. "I told Mo that he is going to have to tough it out this time," said the spokesman, "he was heavily criticised when he skipped the World Cross after party".

Van Commonee has caused a great deal of unrest after confiscating the mobile phones of all the athletes and banned them from access to "any fun whatsoever". Defending his decision, the bespectacled chief said "all smiling is banned. Even if they do well. Athletes have been having way too much fun in this country and that has to stop." This decision has caused outcry with many athletes slamming the treatment as "barbaric". An unnamed female athlete said that she was "unlikely to perform well in such a horrific, slave-like environment. It's like prison, pure and simple." It is thought that a coup organised by Dwain Chambers only failed when he inadvertently got the timings wrong- completely misunderstanding the time difference in Norway.

Elsewhere, Colin McCourt has been isolated by his team mates when he chose to wear an Algeria shirt on Friday evening. The Scot clashed violently with Martyn Rooney, who attempted to rip the shirt off his back after the England football team had failed to impress in the World Cup. McCourt was heard to be singing into the early hours and it was only when Ian Stewart told him something so awful that we cannot report it, that he went to bed.

UKA will no doubt be hoping for a quieter end to the Championships today, but with vaulter Steve Lewis having yet another argument with his pole after no-heighting, it looks like wishful thinking.

POWER OF 10 FORCED TO REMOVE ATHLETE PROFILE

The Power of Ten, who are responsible for recording all performances in track and field in the UK have confirmed that they have removed the profile of a well known athlete after he/she complained. Website insiders have revealed that they were "scared for their credibility" after threatening comments filtered back to them from the athlete in question. "As a result, we are unable to even confirm the sex of the complainer," the source continued going on to describe the behaviour as "petty and ridiculous". It is thought that the unnamed, but supposedly "prominent" star felt that others may be laughing at his/her recent performances (or lack of them) behind his/her back. The move has angered many as he/she did not use "official channels" to lodge the complaint. "I only heard about it when a friend phoned me in the early hours of the morning," explained a website supremo, "obviously we had to take immediate action, but cannot understand the issue here." It seems that threats were issued via the usage of the popular running forum, Eightlane and then directly to pals of the Power of Ten head honchos.

UKA officials have said that they are "disappointed" with the decision on both levels. Speaking exclusively to the Lufbra Echo, endurance chief Ian Stewart said, "there's no f*****g place for athletes who take themselves so f*****g seriously. At the end of the f*****g day, everyone f*****g needs to toughen the f**k up. I must f*****g say that I would have left the f*****g profile on the f*****g site- f*****g cowards!" Stewart, who was speaking from the European Team Championships in Norway had to then break off the interview in order to claim some drinks on expenses.

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL: LSAC ELECTIONS 2010

WARBURTON CAMPAIGN IN TATTERS AFTER OFFICIAL BUST-UP

Chris Warburton has had to shelve ambitions to become LSAC’s new Secretary of Committee for the Alumni after a 5 minute rant at “officious nobodies” during last night’s opening Loughborough Midweek. The 1500m star was “shocked and disappointed” by the tone of voice adopted by the timekeepers' assistant reading out the lap splits during his race. “There was no support in there,” fumed the eventual race winner, “it was like she wasn’t interested or didn’t care. Frankly I felt as if she wanted to be any place else but watching me run.” The Notts AC man was also upset by what he called a “tactical” false start from bitter rival Stephen Emery. “There should be laws against that sort of behaviour,” thundered the 3:39 man, “the truth is that the starter bottled it. Emery should have been out on his ear, no question.” In extraordinary scenes at Loughborough’s track last night, Warburton had to be dragged from the Meeting Referee by fellow athletes and announced shortly afterwards that he would not be standing for Committee representation. In his statement, the 27 year-old refused to apologise for his actions and called for a “fundamental review” of the officiating in the UK. “It’s time we got some competent people in to do this job,” he said, “this sort of amateur nonsense just won’t do.”

STEWART BACKS HIMSELF FOR PRESIDENTIAL ROLE

In a strange interview given exclusively to the Lufbra Echo last night, UKA’s Director of Endurance seemed to throw his hat into the ring for a Presidential campaign. It had long been assumed that Sophie Thomas- the current Secretary of Committee for making the tea- would run for the position unopposed, but the UKA supremo last night boasted of his “f******g superb record” in athlete management. “Nobody could do that job but me,” said Stewart from last night’s Midweek meet, “I am the only f******g candidate. Who is this f******g woman going for it? Are you f******g serious?” Stewart’s words have left many scrambling for the Loughborough Students Athletic Club Constitution which is said to be “vague at best” on whether an outsider could be appointed. A club historian said, “it certainly would be the most extraordinary development since the Coe-Moorcroft coalition in the 1980s.” It is not yet clear whether the Scot was being serious in his interview, but he did reserve strong words for “whoever was f******g responsible for making these f******g awful sandwiches”. Alasdair Donaldson has since apologised.

STOTT CALLS FOR ICE REVIEW

Luke Stott, the current Secretary of Committee for not doing very much, has said that if he were to become the new Secretary of Committee for doing even less (Track and Field Captain), he would chair an investigation into the “substandard” ice quality in Loughborough. “If we are to remain at the top of our game,” said the sprinter, “we really need to address the ice machines.” It seems that many of Loughborough’s sprint community have slammed the current ice arrangements as they “are too cold”. Echo favourite James Dasaolu recently threw an ice bag across the plyometric mat after a well meaning physio applied it to his hurt leg. An insider revealed that the coldness of the ice “had come as a complete surprise” to Dasaolou, who demanded someone fetch him some “warm ice”.

FLANNERY SET TO “CLEAN UP MESS” AS MATTHEWS SEEKS PROMOTION

Keiran Flannery has stated that it is his “constitutional duty” to remain as Secretary of Committee for (not) delivering the kit. The 800m star had offered his resignation from the disastrous coalition with Pete Matthews after the kit did not arrive. However launching his campaign manifesto today, Flannery indicated that he felt the experience of the past year would “serve him well” in taking the kit situation forward. “I know what it’s like to be at the lowest point,” said Flannery to an excited crowd of more than 4, “I know how to make this club’s kit great again. I got you into this and I can get you out of it.”

It has become clear that Pete Matthews will not be following his former partner’s example and has instead opted to campaign to become the joint new Secretary of Committee for drunkenness with Andrew Mariani. Matthews claims to be well qualified for the role by being “an all round great guy”, however some would question his suitability given that he gave close friends “roughly a five percent chance” of making the BUCS final. One close source, who asked not to be named, said “Matthews has a dark side and is committed to being at the top. He will crawl over dead bodies to get there”. The former GB International (Mountain Running) used his CV to indicate that he was “very unlucky” to miss out on being appointed Head Boy whilst at school, but has obtained Grades 1, 2 and 3 on the piano. Potential voters are also informed of the “prestigious” institutions to which Matthews was invited to attend before opting for Loughborough. Our source continued, “frankly, I wish he’d taken up one of those other offers- it would’ve saved us all some trouble”.

BRADBURY EYES VP ROLE

Gary Bradbury has pledged to “bring a bit of talent” to the committee if he was to be elected as the Vice President, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The so far unconfirmed VP candidate told friends and activists that his rivals “should never underestimate the determination of a quiet man”. The outgoing (and largely disgraced) President Rob Hodges made no secret of his desire to see “a man of Bradbury’s ilk” in his last Committee. Hodges told the Echo that he would be “delighted” if Bradbury chose to run. “To be honest,” said the President, “I have looked at the current nominations list and it contains a bunch of no hopers. We need an athlete of Gary’s calibre to advertise ourselves to the world.” The largely ceremonial role of Vice President involves chairing committee meetings and President’s Questions when the President is away on Club business as well as carrying the Presidential Spikes to race meetings. Hodges revealed that he attempted to use the 25th Amendment to the Club Constitution to get Bradbury “in through the back door” last year. “It didn’t work out,” said the premiere, “you see the Gary and I sometimes race together and the President and Vice President can never travel together.” Publicly, Bradbury was remaining coy this morning- but insiders are said to be gearing up with a “hard hitting” campaign manifesto.

UKA CHIEFS FUMING AFTER FRONT ROMEU ‘DISASTER’

The country’s top athletics officials are tonight calling for a “full and frank investigation” into the goings on at the UKA endurance camp in Front Romeu. The revelations come after an official complaint was lodged by French President Sarkozy. The French head of state is said to be angry after cars have been thrown off mountains and a senior member of UKA staff was apprehended attempting to steal the bicycle of a disgruntled Tour de France hopeful. Performance supremo, Charles Van Commenee has not ruled out flying out to the Pyrenees later this week to “bring some order” to proceedings. “It’s a joke,” said the bespectacled ace, “what we need is discipline. They are not there to have fun.” The Dutchman is alleged to be planning to travel to France “as soon as UKA have designed an appropriate ski jacket” for the trip.

Meanwhile, insiders have told of a “blazing row” between George Gandy and Ian Stewart’s bungling PA, Spencer Barden. After “between 10 and 20 inches” of snow fell in the past 24 hours the guru is “hugely frustrated” according to our source. Barden claims that this “has never happened before” and maintains that he is “as frustrated as everyone else” at the weather. “Look, I came on a total of 12 reconnaissance trips and it never snowed. I’m stunned.” Gandy is thought to be upset after all training has had to be put on hold for the foreseeable future. “It’s a calamity,” said LSAC’s Director, “I worked on my tan in Portugal and now it’s fading fast....I woke up this morning and it looked like Kate Moss had sneezed. It’s very poor.” Not all UKA staffers were disappointed, however. Ian Stewart enjoyed “an excellent day” on the skiing slopes. “It was superb,” enthused UKA’s Director of Endurance, “it’s been tough since I returned from my holiday in the Maldives last week and so it was great just to relax.”

The snow has brought with it its own set of unique problems. Ryan McLeod clashed violently with Johnny Mellor in a snowball fight after Mellor beat the Newcastle man on FIFA 2010. Both athletes were left requiring minor medical treatment after the fight, with accusations of foul play marring the brawl. “Johnny’s shown himself to be really quite desperate,” thundered McLeod, “he put stones in the snowballs and that really hurt. He cheated on FIFA as well.” McLeod went on to accuse the Liverpool man of "living up to his reputation" by allegedly stealing some hubcaps on the trip down. For his part, Mellor rejected the "ridiculous accusations" and blamed his travel-mate for a poor start to the training trip. Referring to the fact that McLeod had driven the star to Front Romeu, he said “the plonker was all over the place. We had to remind him which side of the road to drive on and he kept playing on his iPhone.....I feel physically sick just thinking about it.” McLeod did concede a "catastrophic error" in forgetting to disable the "data roaming" facility on his iPhone. "It's going to cost a fortune," said the 13:58 5k man, "Lewis [Moses] has been on there downloading Michael Buble videos on YouTube."

NEWS ROUND-UP

LEMONCELLO PONDERS NAME CHANGE

Andrew Lemoncello will be dropping the 'Lemon' from his name after he decided it was necessary "in order to be taken more seriously". In an extraordinary interview with the Lufbra Echo, Britain's latest marathon star also slammed what he called "virtually non-existent" support on the London Marathon course. "What were they playing at?" fumed the Scot, "it was like I was alone out there. I am certain that I would have won [Lemoncello came 8th] if they had cheered for me. It was very poor."

When asked to elaborate on his name decision, the American based star said, "I am tired of being associated with citrus fruit. The organizers of major events always insist on giving me lemonade to drink". The former steeplechaser also confirmed that he would not be signing a potentially lucrative deal with Sprite. "It's not for me," he said as he left London this morning, "I just think that no one thinks of me as a serious athlete because I have such a stupid name." Lemoncello went on to blame a "naive" decision to ditch his sunglasses hours before the start of the marathon on Sunday. "I really struggled with that one," revealed the 2:13 marathoner, "I bought them at Sunglass Hut on the way over and they are so cool- I am sure it [the lack of them] slowed me down, maybe by up to three or four minutes."

RADCLIFFE IMPRESSES AT MARATHON SNOOZE FEST

The Marathon World Record holder, Paula Radcliffe has courted high praise for her "sensationally bland" commentary at the recent London Marathon. BBC chiefs are said to be "thrilled" with her progress as she managed to last nearly three hours without making one useful point. "It's a difficult thing to master and I know that Steve Cram really struggled with it," said a BBC insider, "commentators have to talk utter nonsense otherwise viewers may start to realize that they are tuned in and switch off". The praise comes after Radcliffe was heavily criticized for her performance at the Winter Olympics. Viewers were said to be "aghast" at her attempts to make coherent sense when covering the Curling. One viewer said, "her voice is perfect to lull us to sleep. When she tries all that intelligent stuff it just isn't on".

ELECTION LATEST: BROWN ASKED FOR OPINION ON IAN STEWART

AIR RESTRICTIONS LIFTED AFTER GANDY CALL

Eurocontrol, the body responsible for air traffic in Europe had lifted bans imposed on aircraft following a phone call from an enraged George Gandy, who accused the controllers of "overreacting". Until 2200 BST yesterday evening, Northern Europe was at an effective standstill as heavy restrictions were imposed as a result of a volcanic ash cloud from Iceland. However, the prospect of missing Loughborough's BUCS trial on Saturday proved too much for LSAC Director George Gandy and the guru was left with "no choice" but to intervene. "The mouthwatering encounter between Warburton and Emery over 3,000m is going to be huge," explained Gandy "and Emery would have been stuck in Portugal had I not acted...it's all a bit silly anyway- when I was a lad planes used to fly whatever the weather, now a little bit of ash and they all go running for cover."

It is also rumoured that the UKA Endurance Coach has become "fed up" with the "dull" set up in Front Romeu and so is desperate to get back to Loughborough if only for a short while. "I must admit I regret leaving Portugal for this hell hole," said Gandy "it's just so boring here. I wanted to take the lads skiing on the glacier but old sissy Stewart [UKA Chief, Ian Stewart] said that they might get injured- so what? A touch of injury never hurt anyone! Besides, it would do Mo Farah good to get out of the hotel for a bit- a nice stroll near the edge of a cliff." It is well documented that Gandy and distance ace Farah do not get on and that situation has shown no signs of improvement. Branding the European Silver Medalist a "crank", Gandy went on to hit out at Farah's "sensitivity". "I am not here to be a parent," said the LSAC Director, "and my job does not extend to tucking Mo in every night....the airline lost his teddy bear and he didn't sleep for two nights- that is pathetic."

Gandy is expected to fly home for the BUCS trial on Friday but will return "with a heavy heart" to France the following Monday. "I have to say that I miss the guys- Warburton and his hissy fits, Emery and his sensibleness, all of them really," he said "but duty calls and so I will be back here with miserable Mo and the clan next week- what chance another ash cloud?"

NEWS ROUND-UP

With the whole of Europe at a standstill, the Athletics world rumbles on and the Lufbra Echo dutifully rounds up all the comings and goings in France, Portugal and beyond.

GANDY SLAMS ‘PRECIOUS’ ATHLETES

George Gandy has used an exclusive interview with the Lufbra Echo to hit out at what he calls a “culture of self-importance” within British Athletics. The guru was recently reprimanded after Mo Farah complained of “relentless nasty comments” in the UK Athletics Front Romeu training camp. Farah is believed to have been upset after Gandy joked that he would “push him off the mountain” and branded the GB International’s duck à l’orange “average at best”. The European Cross Country silver medallist was said to be “deeply hurt” by the criticism but the LSAC director was in no mood for a retraction. “That is the whole problem with athletes in this country,” fumed Gandy, “they are all so precious. One little comment and everything kicks off....I half expect a shirty letter from their parents sometimes.”

The UKA Endurance Coach revealed that spirits at the altitude camp remained high despite fears that Ryan McLeod may not make it. The 13:58 5k man took the decision to drive to the camp after flights were axed due to the Icelandic volcanic ash cloud. “Ryan forgets where he lives sometimes,” sighed Gandy, “and so how he is going to drive over 1,000 miles to get here is beyond me....at least we’ll get to use his fancy new car.” For his part, McLeod confirmed that the enormous road trip was “progressing well” despite a minor mishap at Dover. The Tipton man spent several hours searching for the “road to France” despite his passenger’s protestations that none such road existed. “I was a bit shocked that I could take my car on board a boat,” said McLeod, “that’s mental. I insisted that I stayed in the car though because I don’t trust the French and they might chav my new alloys.”

ASH CLOUD UPDATE

UK Athletics have confirmed that their offices will remain closed for “the foreseeable future” after many members of staff were stranded in their holiday homes around Europe. A source for the National Governing Body said, “we operate on a four day weekend principle here and so many of the top brass take the opportunity to get away to their second homes in Monte Carlo, Zurich, Nice and the like. They’re all stuck there now as our fleet of jets is grounded.”

The spokesman also confirmed that UKA would be checking air quality across the country as athletes rang in complaining of poor sessions. “Many of our top guys can’t understand why they are struggling in training at the moment. The only explanation we can come up with is that the air is loaded with volcanic ash.” Many competitors at the National 12 Stage Relays bemoaned a “nasty smell” on the course that adversely affected their performances. Critics have pointed out that this largely occurred around the lavatories shortly after Ian Stewart was seen using them. However, an ERRA source said that they were “looking into” the complaints nonetheless. A source confirmed, “we may re-run them if ash is the cause. We have had many complaints from various clubs.”

Meanwhile, in Portugal, tension is mounting as it looks as if LSAC’s training camp may be extended. David Howe stormed out of the camp this morning stating that “anywhere in the world” is better than being a neighbour of Pete Matthews. The Canadian assistant coach had firm words for the one-time GB International (Mountain Running) after Matthews claimed that once he gets past his injuries he “will be better than anyone else, anywhere.” As Howe boarded a train to Lisbon he told a pack of journalists, “Pete needs a reality check. He claims that he will be the best athlete in the country but has much work to do. He isn’t even the best athlete in his family at the moment.”

UKA man Alasdair Donaldson (and leader of the LSAC camp) plans to head to Front Romeu to link up with Gandy and the team tomorrow amid fears that the remaining athletes will be kicked out of Portugal “regardless of circumstance.” It is thought that the Scot held last ditch talks with the Portuguese Foreign Minister Lúis Amado after government officials said that the East Midlands group has “outstayed their welcome.” Amado told The Espinho “it is time for them [LSAC] to go. We’ve had coffee shortage, drivers are fed up of swerving to avoid them and if I see another milk-bottle white guy with his top off I might just hit him.” When asked whether the volcanic ash constitutes an extenuating circumstance, the Minister said, “absolutely not. We had a deal and now they go. I don’t care where, just not Portugal.”

DONALDSON SET TO EXPLAIN SESSION FOUL-UP

Alasdair Donaldson will meet with the arriving George Gandy and David Howe in Portugal this evening to explain why yesterday’s evening session was branded “a fiasco” by several of Loughborough’s top athletes. Matt Sullivan is said to be fuming after a “lesser athlete” got in his way forcing him to step out into oncoming traffic during a hill repetition. Chris Warburton is also upset with Donaldson after he claimed a bias in the way the UKA man was encouraging the athletes, “he was clearly cheering for Ricky [Soos] a lot more than people like me, that’s just not on.” It is also said that Gary Bradbury threatened to fly home when members of the 5k group “blocked off” the Woking star during his final 600m effort. Speaking via Skype to the Lufbra Echo, Bradbury told of having to “grimace” when going round the hapless endurance athletes. “Everyone knows that in order to maintain my relaxed attitude I have to never look in any pain. Yesterday night I had to and it is all his [Donaldson’s] fault.”

Gandy is unlikely to be impressed with his deputy, who also upset Danni Christmas earlier this month, and there is much debate over whether the Scot will be allowed to remain at the camp after yet another blunder. Gandy was quick to dispel rumours of “negligence” on the part of Donaldson as he left Gatwick this morning. Claims surfaced in this morning’s Portuguese papers that he had “gone to bed” instead of waiting up for a group of late-arriving athletes. The Espinho carried pictures of an enraged Stephen Emery, complete with trendy new highlights, banging on various villa doors in a quest to locate the illusive Scot. “That was a misunderstanding,” explained Gandy to a pack of journalists at Gatwick airport, “I will be having a discussion with Alasdair later to get his take on how things are going.” Loughborough’s director would not be drawn on whether he had to have last ditch talks with Bradbury late last night to prevent him (and therefore presumably Matt Sullivan) from ordering a third ice cream. “I always maintain a dialogue with my athletes and nothing will change that,” said the guru before being led to a waiting UKA-chartered jet, “everything will get sorted when I arrive- it’ll be great.”

Sullivan, meanwhile, was less eager to play down the incidents at last night’s session. Speaking exclusively to our man in Portugal, the 3:55 athlete fumed about how his training was being “utterly ruined by a bunch of nobodies.” The Shaftsbury Barnet star also questioned the selection policy for the training camp, “I look around here and I don’t recognise half the group. Why are they here? Why are they bothering to run?” His comments are unlikely to sit well with the Loughborough and UKA hierarchy who are all keen to maintain a “unified approach” to endurance performance. Speaking from his personal yacht in the Maldives, Ian Stewart enthused about the “largest group of endurance athletes ever” to be gathered in one place. “This is what we need. Everyone training together and everyone getting on.” The Endurance chief added that he was “certainly not” being frozen out by UKA and that it was “entirely [his] choice” not to attend the camp.

BEATEN FARAH HITS OUT AT 'RIDICULOUS' HOTEL CHOICE

Mo Farah has launched an extraordinary attack on UK Athletics after finishing 21st at the IAAF World Cross Country Championships. The exhausted distance running ace told the Lufbra Echo that he had "hardly had a wink of sleep" the night before after he was forced to share a room with UKA Director of Endurance, Ian Stewart. "Whoever booked that hotel wants firing," fumed Farah from the course in Poland, "the food was absolutely shocking. I specifically asked for my steak to be rare at the pre-race meal and what did I get? It was virtually burnt. I had to send it back four times before they got it right." Farah was also critical of having to eat with "the kids" at breakfast on the morning of the race. "The Junior Men are frankly a joke. They were all texting the girls about who was going to get off with who at the post-race party. It's just not on."

The former European Champion described how he was "absolutely stunned" when they arrived at the accommodation on Friday afternoon. "I thought, 'we can't be staying at this dump.' It didn't have a sauna, jacuzzi or a turn-down service. How am I to sleep without a chocolate being placed under my pillow?" Farah said that he would be making his own arrangements when representing his country in future. "I can accept that we don't have to fly first class and I will even tolerate a four star hotel. What won't do is the fiasco that we have had here." The Somalian-born star added that he had "no intention" of staying in Bydgoszcz for the after race festivities. "I'm getting out of this hell hole as soon as I can," stormed Farah, "Ian [Stewart] snores all night when he's had a few and I just can't face watching him go through his moisturising regime again- it takes over an hour."

Farah also said that he was "seriously considering" whether UKA could be trusted to make arrangements for his forthcoming Front Romeu training trip. "To be honest, I might contact George [Gandy] and see if I can jump in with the Loughborough lads in Portugal. To run with Pete Matthews and Andrew Mariani would be such a great opportunity for someone like me."

UKA SCOOP EUROPEAN GONG

UK Athletics have won the prestigious prize for the 'Worst Governing Body' at yesterday evening's European Sporting Howlers Awards. UKA, who lost out to the French Cricket Board last year, were commended for their "lack of coherent leadership and cliquey approach to selection" as well as a "complete ineptitude to finances". A spokesman for the judging panel said, "UKA have really weakened their game this year- they were close in 2009 and the judges were impressed by even more failings this year."

Accepting the award, UKA's Chief Executive Niels De Vos hailed a "wonderful day" for British sport. "This is such a shock...we really thought that Snowsport UK had it in the bag this year," he said "I would like to thank everyone at Athletics House for all their incompetence". De Vos went on to say that he would now be targeting the Global version of the award later this year- "that's where we are headed now. It's very exciting....of course we have a lot of laziness and arrogance ahead, as well as the European Championships to mess up first".

It was not all glory for the British, however. UKA's head of endurance, Ian Stewart was just beaten by the Fijian Director of Equestrian Development Wasta Spaceo, in the 'Worst Departmental Head' category. Speaking to the Lufbra Echo after the dinner Stewart said, "well obviously it's disappointing to lose out again [he was third last year], but I feel that I am really going backwards now and so there is always next year." The Scot went on, "this is a great night for UKA, but we must guard against hard work if we are to maintain our low standards."

BAUER IMPRESSION LANDS STEWART IN JAIL

UKA's Director of Endurance, Ian Stewart, has spent the night in a Doha police cell after he and George Gandy were caught pretending to be characters in hit US TV show 24. Stewart, who was playing the show's star Jack Bauer, was arrested after trying to fend off Gandy's advances with a banana. A police spokesman confirmed that a British man had been arrested after police suspected him of possessing a dangerous weapon. "A man in a Great Britain tracksuit was caught making strange noises with a banana," the officer said, "it is an offence that carries a maximum penalty of 30 years in prison in Qatar." It is thought that Gandy evaded capture after spotting the patrol and sneaking away as the police detained Stewart.

It is believed that Stewart pleaded his innocence at the time and demanded that the arresting officer "contact Chloe O'Brien at CTU" to vouch for him. "He was very upset" said the spokesman, "particularly so when he realised that his banana was not loaded". Police are said to be willing to release the UKA chief but no one has come forward and provide bail. Gandy has hurriedly flown home and other officials are believed to be on a two day "strictly business" cruise.

This news comes at the end of a difficult weekend for UKA. Not only has the team fallen short of its five medal target, but Chief Executive Niels De Vos had to apologise to hotel staff after several senior UKA coaches were caught playing hide and seek in the early hours. Speaking from a harbour-side restaurant, the UKA ace said that he would be "evaluating" the conduct of his team.