ENGLAND ATHLETICS APOLOGISE FOR 'SOMME-LIKE' NATIONAL

MUD BATH: Steve Vernon celebrates his win

England Athletics have conceded that they "got it wrong" in allowing the National Cross Country Championships to take place on a course "more suitable for a war than a race". The governing body have today been inundated with complaints from furious athletes about the mess of their kit and the resulting damage to washing machines across the country.

"Cross Country should not be run in these sort of conditions" said a red faced EA spokesman "we appreciate now that to have any mud on the course to totally unacceptable and we will be doing our best to rectify it in future years". 2012's event at Parliament Hill is already under threat as organisers face increasing calls for it "to be held indoors" from now on. "Any event at Parliament Hill is likely to involve mud" continued the spokesman "and so it might be best to steer away from that. We are ruling nothing out - it could even be run on road".

Yesterday's race - won by Steve Vernon - had the highest drop out rate in history and officials had deal with a stream of furious team managers pointing out "severe mud damage" to club tents. Some athletes have still yet to finish their race. England Athletics insiders have today estimated the cost of the clean up operation to be "close to £35m". "The whole field is going to have to be dug up and relaid" said our source "and [EA] will have to pay for thousands of cars to be fully valeted". The association have set up a 24 hour hotline to deal with the "unprecedented call volume" following the event and have encouraged relatives concerned about competitors to contact them urgently.

James Wilkinson who slumped to a disappointing 21st place blasted race organisers calling the whole day "a fiasco". "How can any half decent runner be expected to run in that?" thundered Wilkinson from his post race press conference "I am going to need psychological help to get over this. I am absolutely traumatised".

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MATTHEWS IN LONDON SNUB

Pete Matthews’ office has announced that the disgraced AAAs fraudster will not compete at the London Grand Prix owing to British tax laws. The former GB International (Mountain Running) was rumoured to be “on a list somewhere” that may or may not of indicated that he would possibly be given an invite to the event if all the airports in the UK were closed and there was a food poisoning outbreak. However, Matthews has effectively ruled out racing in the UK until the Olympics in 2012 with his official spokesman urging the Government to rethink “draconian” tax laws. “Mr. Matthews naturally wants to compete in front of his adoring home fans, but is being prevented from doing so as the Government will demand 50% of his travel expenses,” said the source. The spokesman would not comment on whether his charge would turn up anyway just to collect his accreditation. Matthews’ hopes of qualifying for the European U23 Mountain Running Championships event also look to be in doubt after this announcement. A spokesman for the team denied accusations that they would include “anyone who could be bothered to turn up” and said that it was likely Matthews would have to do the trial race. “This is not a no-hoper sport like Golf,” said the unpaid official, “we have standards here and they include more than just being alive, British and under the age of 23.”

ATHLETICS WEEKLY CONTAINS NON-ADVERTORIAL ARTICLE SHOCK

Athletics Weekly may have to apologise this week to its outraged readership as one of their articles “was not an advert”. Furious regulars have seemingly become used to the tenuous and crass links to vaguely running related products and this week’s coverage of the Diamond League contained nothing of the sort. Happily, this week’s issue does contain an article talking up the benefits of a mattress that improves performance. Under the somewhat obvious headline “Recover While You Sleep”, the author extols the virtues of a good night’s sleep on the “high specification foam” that has supposedly been endorsed by the National Institute for Clinical Excellence (NICE). Indeed it has- but not for sporting performance. NICE Guideline 29 encourages “patients with a Grade 3-4 [pressure ulcer]” to “have a high specification foam mattress”. So athletes suffering from “extensive destruction, tissue necrosis, or damage to muscle, bone or supporting structures with or without full thickness skin loss” should get out and order one of these mattresses right now!

CHRISTINE OHURUOGU: A CLARIFICATION

In a recent edition of the Lufbra Echo, we suggested that Miss Ohuruogu was about to be prosecuted by the council for “fail[ing] to put her recycling out for the third week running.” We of course accept that this was not the case and are happy to hear that Miss Ohuruogu is absolutely fastidious when sorting her litter. Indeed, if she had been as careful with informing drug testers of her whereabouts as she is with ensuring that her recycling is out on time, it probably would have saved us all a lot of trouble. Nonetheless, we are happy to set the record straight and wish Miss Ohuruogu every success in not running well until the European Championships, winning a medal and then having a strop because people doubted her.

Stop Press: Miss Ohuruogu’s spokesman has never been to Jamaica either.

ONE ATHLETE RUNS QUICKER THAN ANOTHER ATHLETE SHOCK

An athlete who was not expected to perform very well at the England Championships has won a medal, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The result has taken many in the running community aback and it is hoped that “natural order” will be restored quickly. Said one observer: “that athlete is rubbish. How did he run faster than another athlete who is clearly better than him? This is very odd.” England Athletics have promised an “immediate investigation” into the incident and have not ruled out re-running the race. “Obviously it’s worrying,” said a perplexed insider, “we can’t understand what went wrong. Maybe he [the athlete who performed well] ran less than everyone else- we need to get to the bottom of this.”

OCTOPUS PREDICTS MATTHEWS FLOP

Disgraced AAAs fraudster, Pete Matthews, has said that he is “deeply troubled” by the recent activities of a psychic octopus. The creature has successfully predicted the outcome of each of Germany’s World Cup 2010 matches, becoming so reliable that Sky News felt the need to “cross live” to it on Monday afternoon. Yesterday it was given a straight choice between the remainder of Matthews’ career being a “glorious success” or “dismal failure”. Without hesitation, the octopus chose the latter option. “Well obviously he is worried,” said a Matthews spokesman, “the octopus always seems to be right, but Pete is confident ahead of Solihull [BMC Meeting this weekend]”. The octopus makes its decision by attaching itself to one of two boxes each representing a different outcome. The choice yesterday was between a picture of the former GB International (Mountain Running) smiling in GB stash and one of him in a compromised position on a night out with pals. The octopus became so attached to the “bad outcome” box that researchers had to use specialist equipment to prise it off.

This news comes at the end of a difficult week for the Blackburn man who was warned by police over his “out of hand” behaviour on Friday evening. Matthews has also received a letter from England Athletics demanding that he return his credentials from the recent AAAs U20/U23 Championships. Matthews not only cheated his way onto the start list, but still collected and kept his accreditation despite being forced to withdraw from the race through injury. Furious Loughborough insiders have told of how the 4:00.18 1500m man has been flaunting the ‘ATHLETE’ pass on his GB rucksack. “Pete Matthews is the ugliest creature I have ever seen,” said one source, “for him to even call himself an athlete is an insult to hardworking lads like myself.”

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Extraordinary times we may well live in. But you can count on the Echo to make sense of it all for you and bring you everything that's important in easily digestible snippets.............

BADDICK ADMITS CONCERN OVER BIG BROTHER DISTRACTION

Frank Baddick has said that he is finding it “increasingly difficult” to remain focussed on running whilst the final series of Big Brother is on air. The Newham and Essex Beagle has conceded that he has spent “many late nights” watching a live feed from the house and has been known to leave sessions early in order to make it home in time for the highlights. “I guess I just feel that this is it for Big Brother,” sighed a perplexed Baddick from his weekly press conference, “after this series, it will all be over. I don’t want to look back on this summer and wonder whether I should have appreciated it more.” Baddick has been a long time fan of the show and stuck with it even through the rocky ride that was the ‘snooze-fest’ of series 4. “I always knew it would be back,” said Baddick, “and look at how we were rewarded- many people say that series 5 was the best ever.” The 3:42 1500m man, who has struggled for form this year, also said that with the end of Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters, his summer of television was looking increasingly bare. “I do worry,” said the 25 year old, “there was no Apprentice this year and I think that channels should look at how rubbish their summer schedules are. I don’t know what I would do if it weren’t for Big Brother.”

GANDY PONDERS FA OFFER

George Gandy has revealed that he is “seriously considering” an offer from the Football Association to take over as the England boss with immediate effect. The revelation comes after a difficult week for Fabio ‘not as scary as CVC’ Capello with senior players openly mocking his team selection. John Terry, the sacked England captain, said that he was “hugely excited” at the prospect of working with the athletics guru and David Beckham argued that Gandy was the “only option” left for England if they are to win the World Cup. The FA have publicly denied the speculation, but an insider revealed that they were “very impressed” with Gandy’s capacity to control unruly members of his squad. “It’s become clear to everyone here [at the FA] that Mr. Capello has lost the dressing room,” said our source, “we have to think of the future and are sure that Mr. Gandy would never be foolish enough to do such a thing. We know that he has a very good track record in not losing dressing rooms.” Whilst critics have pointed out that it would be very difficult for Gandy to lose the LSAC dressing room as his temporary office is right next to it, his track record at Loughborough cannot be disputed. A lifelong Newcastle United fan, Gandy has pledged that he would “paint the squad black and white” if he were to take over. However, UKA have said that they will not “under any circumstances” release Gandy from his contract. “It’s out of the question,” said a source, “George is doing a great job for us and he is staying put. This is typical from the FA, trying to employ bullying tactics to get their way- pathetic.” Despite this, our source within the FA has said that his employers will "do anything" to get Gandy. "Contracts mean nothing," he said, "I know that we have even agreed that Alasdair Donaldson will be allowed to come and make Mr. Gandy's tea and so you can see how determined we are."

ANGER AT ‘GARISH’ AVIVA SIGNAGE

Many athletes at the U20/U23 AAAs Championships have complained that the yellow used in the Aviva advertising boards was “far too bright”. England Athletics officials are said to be in last ditch talks with the Insurance company in a bid to avoid similar complaints at the senior championships. One unnamed U20 1500m athlete has said that it “undoubtedly cost him a medal” despite crashing out in his heat, whilst a young sprinter claimed that the brightness caused him to be disqualified in the 200m. For their part, Aviva have been unrepentant stating that athletes really need to “get over themselves.” Speaking at an insurance industry function, a senior executive said that he had “deliberately chosen” yellow in order to “upset as many athletes as possible”. Whilst ordering a third bottle of wine, the top man said “everything we do is all about ruining the races of British athletes. This way, they are ready for failure at a top level.” England Athletics officials have said that they are “disappointed” with the remarks and have pledged to “do all they can” to minimise upset at the forthcoming senior event. “We know that Ryan McLeod is sensitive and so will have to be really careful here,” said an insider, “we don’t want fisty-cuffs again.”