DOCTORS CONCERNED AT ANAEMIA ‘EPIDEMIC’

The NHS is struggling to cope with an outbreak of athletes claiming to be “anaemic”. A report in the British Medical Journal has raised concerns that the UK’s already depleted blood supplies will be “dangerously impacted” if the trend of underperforming athletes demanding treatment continues. “There is no question that this is a fast and legal way to success,” said the article’s lead author, “but there is no way that we can maintain the hand out of such therapy so liberally”. Anaemia is said to have become “fashionable” amongst younger athletes after stars such as Paula Radcliffe diagnosed themselves with the disorder. “Similar trends were seen when Wayne Rooney fractured his metatarsal and David Beckham tore his Achilles,” said the report, “athletes pick up on these things and it is down to healthcare professionals to sort them out.” Calling for a "full and frank epidemiological survey", the report concluded that if the rise in "anaemia" diagnoses continued, the UK would run out of blood by the end of the Cross Country season.

UK Athletics are doing their level best to remain distant from such accusations, but an insider confidentially told the Echo that it was a serious issue. “You’ve got these guys running awfully one minute, diagnosing themselves with anaemia and then magically running huge PBs,” he said from inside a broom cupboard, “it’s amazing what a few iron tablets can do.” Journalists have also noted the phenomenon, with disappointed athletes immediately declaring themselves ‘anaemic’ after poor races. “It is becoming the answer to all underperformance,” said a BBC source, “bad race now seems to equal anaemia.”

The Power of Ten have been forced to deny speculation that they were set to introduce a “blood count” service on athlete profiles. It had been rumoured that the site would allow athletes to list their ferritin levels alongside all performances and thus a poor one would be recorded as ID (Iron Depleted). “That scheme has now been scrapped” says PoT’s Director of Operations, “it was unworkable to expect all athletes to undergo blood tests after races. I don’t see a future for such an idea.”

POWER OF 10 FORCED TO REMOVE ATHLETE PROFILE

The Power of Ten, who are responsible for recording all performances in track and field in the UK have confirmed that they have removed the profile of a well known athlete after he/she complained. Website insiders have revealed that they were "scared for their credibility" after threatening comments filtered back to them from the athlete in question. "As a result, we are unable to even confirm the sex of the complainer," the source continued going on to describe the behaviour as "petty and ridiculous". It is thought that the unnamed, but supposedly "prominent" star felt that others may be laughing at his/her recent performances (or lack of them) behind his/her back. The move has angered many as he/she did not use "official channels" to lodge the complaint. "I only heard about it when a friend phoned me in the early hours of the morning," explained a website supremo, "obviously we had to take immediate action, but cannot understand the issue here." It seems that threats were issued via the usage of the popular running forum, Eightlane and then directly to pals of the Power of Ten head honchos.

UKA officials have said that they are "disappointed" with the decision on both levels. Speaking exclusively to the Lufbra Echo, endurance chief Ian Stewart said, "there's no f*****g place for athletes who take themselves so f*****g seriously. At the end of the f*****g day, everyone f*****g needs to toughen the f**k up. I must f*****g say that I would have left the f*****g profile on the f*****g site- f*****g cowards!" Stewart, who was speaking from the European Team Championships in Norway had to then break off the interview in order to claim some drinks on expenses.