NEWS IN BRIEF

DASAOLOU TO APLOGISE FOR ITALIAN RANT

Britain's next big sprinting hope, James Dasaolu, is being forced into an embarrassing U-Turn this morning after clashing with an Italian police officer. The 10.06 (wind assisted) man is currently on a training trip to Rome and is alleged to have "completely lost it" with the officer after being informed that his hire car was parked illegally. By-standers were left stunned as Dasaolu was restrained by close pal and training partner, Harry Aikines-Aryeetey. Dasaolu was particularly upset as the policeman in question had watched the two sprint aces take 20 minutes to maneuver the vehicle into the spot. This in itself brought a heated exchange between the two friends with Dasaolou branding Aikines-Aryeetey an "idiot" as his directions were unclear. One bystander has alleged that Dasaolu's car "clearly touched" another vehicle and it was at this point that the police officer had no option but to become involved. "It was quite funny," said Liverpudlian tourist Denise, "the smaller one [Dasaolou] was getting all upset because the bigger one [Aryeetey] kept doing press ups when he should have been directing him." UK Athletics have said that they will be insisting that their charge apologise to the Italian police generally after calling them "a bunch of corrupt losers who no one likes." Dasaolu, who is not known for his intelligence, is also thought to have injured himself by kicking what he thought was a football in a fit of rage. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a solid marble decorative boulder. A UKA insider has said that the injury is "not season threatening".

JONES TO SET UP CAKE SHOP

Disgraced American sprinter, Marion Jones, is to set up a cake shop in Los Angeles, the Lufbra Echo understands. The cakes, which will be "special brand", will be made by the sprinter herself in a joint venture with fellow dope, Justin Gatlin. Jones is rumoured to have "excelled" on a cookery course she took whilst serving time in prison for defrauding just about everybody she has ever met. However, doubt has been cast on her ability as a prison insider told of how she was disqualified from her final Cake Making Board Exams. "She stole some pre-made cakes from the kitchen," our source said, "and then rigorously denied the allegations. Her cakes never failed an authenticity test, but there was enough evidence to link her with the fraud." Weeks of rumours apparently led to a teary confession on the steps outside the infirmary, where Jones said that she had "let everyone down" particularly her beloved cell-mate Greta 'Biatch, the G-Dog', Griffiths. The Jones-Gatlin camp, have dismissed the allegations and are instead focusing on the "exciting venture" that the pair are currently working on. "We hope that people will either eat in or take out," said a spokesman, "they have decided to call it 'Clean Cakes' and hope that consumers see the irony." USA Track and Field have condemned the plans and warned all of their athletes not to frequent the establishment. LaShwan Merritt was thought to be involved in initial plans for the store, but was forced to pull out citing "little problems".

McLEOD IN BIRTHDAY GAFFE

Ryan McLeod celebrated his birthday 24 hours too early in what has been called a "pacing mix up". The Tipton Harrier turned 25 yesterday, but was seen out on Sunday evening celebrating with pals. One observer said, "someone went up to him and suggested that he was going too early and he [McLeod] just glared at him and said 'who do you think you are? Tom Russell?'" It was only in the early hours of the following morning that McLeod realised his blunder but by this time it was too late. "The damage had been done," sighed coach John Nutall, "Ryan tried to make it a true run birthday celebration, but it didn't work out- he was just too eager." It is rumoured that the 13:54 5k man was left "absolutely shattered" for his actual birthday evening. An insider said, "he had nothing left. He had been doing far too much of the work."

EMERY CONFIDENT AHEAD OF MIDLANDS TEST

Stephen Emery has revealed that he is "absolutely certain" that he will win the Midlands' 1500m title this weekend. The Coventry man suffered a blip last week at the BMC Sport City meeting, but claimed that "nobody, not even a cat on EPO" could touch him this weekend. "Sport City was Sport City. I think we all know that it was a joke there and that Gary [Bradbury] maliciously taunted me hair highlights before the race. I'm ready now- come and get me." Emery is likely to face stiff opposition from the likes of Tom Russell and Tim Dalton, but the 3:49 1500m man has had firm words for his rivals. "None of them have achieved what I have. I am the BUCS bronze medalist and showed my kicking ability in that race, so I know I can live with anything."

MERRITT ACCEPTS GUILT IN ENHANCEMENT FOUL-UP

LaShawn Merritt, the disgraced 400m Olympic and World Champion has conceded that he “did a dumb ass thing” but has hit out at what he calls the “stupidly tight” USA team kit. Merritt tested positive on three separate occasions for an illegal steroid which he claims was in an over the counter “male enhancement” drug. Whilst the star said he would accept “any punishment” handed down, he pleaded for clemency on the grounds of “complex personal issues”. “It’s alright for the likes of Usain [Bolt] and Tyson [Gay], they don’t have anything to be ashamed of,” said a stricken Merritt from a press conference in New York, “but those suits really highlight the fallibility of someone like myself...I wanted to wear jogging shorts but they [USATF] wouldn’t allow it.” The 400m star now faces a two year suspension and the prospect of having his reputation sullied for the rest of his career.

The American spoke of a “bullying culture” in the athletics locker rooms around the globe. “The Golden Leagues were the worst,” explained Merritt, “Jeremy Wariner laughed in my face prior to my race in Paris- he called me mini-Merritt and that gets to you after a while. The truth is that I have had to put up with it since High School.” The Olympic Champion also spoke of the “other options” that he looked at before resorting to medication. “I tried to stick a sock down there for the 4x400m in Beijing- but then Martyn Rooney just called me socky-Shawn. As I was about to race I would shout ‘go sock it to ‘em Shawn’ and that was too much. I had to act.” It has also been revealed that surgical enhancement was ruled out due to “proportionality”. The athlete went on, “I only really wanted an increase in girth and length of around 3-5%. Surgery would have led to at least a 15% increase and that would have been very noticeable as well as uncomfortable....it would also have left me unable to race for six to seven months.”

Merritt’s revelations are bad news for another convicted dopester, Justin Gatlin. The former 100m Olympic Champion famously claimed that he tested positive after a wayward masseuse rubbed “testosterone gel” into his enlarged quadriceps. Gatlin’s representatives were remaining coy this morning, but did reveal that they felt their charge’s title for “best excuse” was under threat. “I think we all thought it would be a very long time before we had an excuse to rival Justin’s. LaShawn has shown originality and we have to respect that.” It is not known whether Gatlin will come up with another reason for his doping misdemeanours but “nothing has been ruled out” by his camp. “Justin is a proud man. Everyone respected him for his doping excuses and now they are talking about someone else. That’s sport and we now need to figure out how to respond to it.”

Closer to home, British starlet James Desaolu has bemoaned Merritt’s behaviour as a “major blow” to male athletes around the world. “It’s a vanity thing,” stormed the Loughborough based man, “we all looked at LaShawn and thought ‘there’s a guy who is small and proud’. We can’t do that anymore and that’s really sad.” Action groups across the country have also condemned Merritt’s actions saying that they fear an uptake in artificial enhancement. A spokesman for The Institute of Testicular Care and Happiness (TITCH) said, “we are what we are and we should be happy with that. What we don’t want is hundreds and thousands of young men resorting to these measures. Anyone with any fears should log on to www.sizeisnteverything.com.” Meanwhile the BBC have not ruled out raising the issue at the final Prime Ministerial debate to be held next Thursday. A Corporation insider said, “we can’t deny that size does matter and it would be interesting to get the leaders’ take on that.” The Liberal Democrat and Conservative Parties both refused to comment when contacted today, but Gordon Brown’s spokesman said that it was a “pertinent point that needed addressing.”

Merritt, meanwhile has pledged that we will be back in competition after his ban. “I am going to run for smaller gentlemen everywhere,” he said, “I have let them all down and so will prove that you don’t have to be big to win.”