MANCHESTER CITY GAMES NEWS

Ahead of this weekend's big event in the London of the North, the lufbra echo excites in the build up


OHURUOGU 'FORGETS' TO PAY FOR PARKING

The Olympic 400m Champion has been slapped with a £70.00 fine by Manchester City Council after failing to pay and display during a shopping trip. It is understood that Ohuruogu will appeal the fine on the grounds that she had to "change her shopping plans at the last minute" and "with all the other stress of being an athlete" shouldn't be expected to remember to pay for parking her 4x4 with blacked out windows.

CHAMBERS BANNED FROM ENTERING 'THE NORTH'

Belgrave's Dwain Chambers has been asked not to venture north of the Watford Gap this weekend on the grounds that he may bring adverse publicity to an event designed to laud the success of Track & Field. It is understood that the sprint king successfully appealed an action from the organisers to ask him to leave the country. Greek sprint darling Katerina Thanou is a guest at tonight's gala dinner.

GEB WARNED AFTER PUSHING OVER GAY

Haile Gebrsalassie has been sanctioned by UK Athletics after attempting to push Tyson Gay into the Manchester Canal during a photo-shoot. The marathon world record holder reduced Gay to tears after repeated taunts about his inability to beat Usain Bolt. An insider revealed that the Ethiopian "told Tyson that even Bolt was a part timer and still much better than him. It was then that he pushed him over but he didn't quite fall in the canal". UKA held a private meeting between the two parties but refused to elaborate on what action - if any - would be taken.

24 HOUR SECURITY PROMISED AFTER THEFT

The 150m straight track was stolen by some visiting Liverpudlians, the lufbra echo can reveal. It is understood that the group - thought to be associated with Liverpool Harriers and led by Johnny Mellor - rolled the track up and put in the back of a Vauxhaull Astra estate (1.6l, XXXL exhaust, no hubcaps). Officials have condemned the theft and stated that David Oliver had now been placed on permanent guard of the new track.

NEWS ROUND UP

RADCLIFFE MAY RUN IN RACE SHOCK
Paula Radcliffe is "considering" competing in a race, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The news has left many in the athletics world reeling from the shock with many scratching their heads trying to remember the last time she raced. "This is crazy" said one senior UKA source, "everyone knows that Paula is the best trainer in the world. Can she convert that into racing? I'm not sure." It is thought that the Monaco based star is targeting "at least one" race within the next year and whilst there are no guarantees that an appropriate contractual arrangement can be agreed, some say that a thrilling sequel could be seen in 2012.

GANDY SHELVES TRAINING AMID ICE CHAOS
George Gandy was forced to cancel organised training at Loughborough this week after his apprentice was unable to blow dry the track to safety. The Guru was left with no alternative but to make the "self operate" call despite nearly three hours of back breaking work from Alasdair Donaldson - who does not have time to read this site. Donaldson borrowed the hair dryer from great man himself and conceded that this was "probably not the best decision". David Howe, meanwhile, risked the wrath of the authorities by continuing to run his unsanctioned grass session. It is understood that the Canadian will be asked to explain himself in the coming months having repeatedly ignored a Guru Order on the matter.

The snow and ice has always been said to bring out the worst in Loughborough athletes and this year's crop did not disappoint. Leicestershire Police were despatched to attend to a distress call from Frank Baddick who had attempted to complete a training session on the icy Loughborough canal. The unwitting Baddick had fallen through the ice "half way through the fifth rep" after thinking it safer to train on there "rather than running the risk of turning an ankle" elsewhere. Calling the session "irresponsible" a spokesman for the Police confirmed that the 1500m star will make a full recovery.


OHURUOGU 'FORGETS' TO PAY FOR PETROL
Dappy 400m Olympic Champion, Christine Ohuruogu has been handed a £400 fine by the Metropolitan Police after failing to pay for petrol for the third time in 18 months. The quarter mile ace slammed the "ridiculously unworkable" system of payment at her local Esso Garage and pleaded that it had "completely slipped her mind" to pay for the fuel. "I fill up with petrol and am just focussed on getting back on the road" explained an unapologetic Ohuruogu, "there was no malice in the action and this fine is completely disproportionate." This is not the first time Ohuruogo's forgetful nature has got her into trouble. Earlier this year, the Londoner was fined after failing to put her recycling out for collection and she has been warned that any future misdemeanours could be dealt with "very severely".


ECHO CRITIC, THE HYPOCRITE?
"It's not funny....it's just weird" was one of the Echo's favourite detractors damning assessment of the hard hitting journalism we produce. Said critic was seething when an unwitting sub-editor (now retired) dared to lift a picture from his Facebook wall and use it in an article about Big Brother. Lack of respect and all that was the thunderous cry! Well, said individual should know all about respect given that his current Facebook profile picture shows him openly mocking world famous physicist, Stephen Hawking. This blog may not be funny, but we are not quite sure how a terminal illness is.

OLYMPIC GAMES TO BE CANCELLED DUE TO SNOW: EXCLUSIVE

The 2012 Olympic Games are set to be cancelled due to snow and ice, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. Tonight, Lord Sebastian Coe KBE is locked in talks with London Council chiefs who have axed the Games over "legitimate and serious safety concerns." Stratford Borough Council - who were alleged to have fined Christine Ohuruogu over a litter infraction earlier this year - have said that they were left with "no choice" but to revoke the licence for the event "in the interests of athletes and spectators alike".

"It is something we have agonised over" said a senior spokesman "but in truth, we simply cannot guarantee that this snow will not occur in 2012". It is believed that there are fears that similar scenes to those witnessed all over the country this evening will be repeated at the Olympics. Athletes have been forced indoors across the nation by the adverse weather, with Loughborough's 800m squad being forced to do laps of George Gandy's office in a dramatic bid to avoid getting cold. "Just imagine if we had to move the Javelin indoors," continued the Counsellor "it would be even more dangerous than doing it on the ice."

Lord Coe KBE has slammed the Council's decision, calling it "the most outrageous case of anal retentiveness in the history of mankind." The Baron went on to state that the team were looking at alternatives that included shifting the whole operation to one of the Channel Islands. The Right Honourable Gentleman has a vested interest in ensuring that the Games go ahead as he stands to gain a £10m bonus on successful completion. "I am paid on results" thundered his Lordship "and these working class nobodies are about to take food out of my children's mouths".

NEWS ROUND-UP

MATTHEWS IN LONDON SNUB

Pete Matthews’ office has announced that the disgraced AAAs fraudster will not compete at the London Grand Prix owing to British tax laws. The former GB International (Mountain Running) was rumoured to be “on a list somewhere” that may or may not of indicated that he would possibly be given an invite to the event if all the airports in the UK were closed and there was a food poisoning outbreak. However, Matthews has effectively ruled out racing in the UK until the Olympics in 2012 with his official spokesman urging the Government to rethink “draconian” tax laws. “Mr. Matthews naturally wants to compete in front of his adoring home fans, but is being prevented from doing so as the Government will demand 50% of his travel expenses,” said the source. The spokesman would not comment on whether his charge would turn up anyway just to collect his accreditation. Matthews’ hopes of qualifying for the European U23 Mountain Running Championships event also look to be in doubt after this announcement. A spokesman for the team denied accusations that they would include “anyone who could be bothered to turn up” and said that it was likely Matthews would have to do the trial race. “This is not a no-hoper sport like Golf,” said the unpaid official, “we have standards here and they include more than just being alive, British and under the age of 23.”

ATHLETICS WEEKLY CONTAINS NON-ADVERTORIAL ARTICLE SHOCK

Athletics Weekly may have to apologise this week to its outraged readership as one of their articles “was not an advert”. Furious regulars have seemingly become used to the tenuous and crass links to vaguely running related products and this week’s coverage of the Diamond League contained nothing of the sort. Happily, this week’s issue does contain an article talking up the benefits of a mattress that improves performance. Under the somewhat obvious headline “Recover While You Sleep”, the author extols the virtues of a good night’s sleep on the “high specification foam” that has supposedly been endorsed by the National Institute for Clinical Excellence (NICE). Indeed it has- but not for sporting performance. NICE Guideline 29 encourages “patients with a Grade 3-4 [pressure ulcer]” to “have a high specification foam mattress”. So athletes suffering from “extensive destruction, tissue necrosis, or damage to muscle, bone or supporting structures with or without full thickness skin loss” should get out and order one of these mattresses right now!

CHRISTINE OHURUOGU: A CLARIFICATION

In a recent edition of the Lufbra Echo, we suggested that Miss Ohuruogu was about to be prosecuted by the council for “fail[ing] to put her recycling out for the third week running.” We of course accept that this was not the case and are happy to hear that Miss Ohuruogu is absolutely fastidious when sorting her litter. Indeed, if she had been as careful with informing drug testers of her whereabouts as she is with ensuring that her recycling is out on time, it probably would have saved us all a lot of trouble. Nonetheless, we are happy to set the record straight and wish Miss Ohuruogu every success in not running well until the European Championships, winning a medal and then having a strop because people doubted her.

Stop Press: Miss Ohuruogu’s spokesman has never been to Jamaica either.

ONE ATHLETE RUNS QUICKER THAN ANOTHER ATHLETE SHOCK

An athlete who was not expected to perform very well at the England Championships has won a medal, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The result has taken many in the running community aback and it is hoped that “natural order” will be restored quickly. Said one observer: “that athlete is rubbish. How did he run faster than another athlete who is clearly better than him? This is very odd.” England Athletics have promised an “immediate investigation” into the incident and have not ruled out re-running the race. “Obviously it’s worrying,” said a perplexed insider, “we can’t understand what went wrong. Maybe he [the athlete who performed well] ran less than everyone else- we need to get to the bottom of this.”

OHURUOGU IN LITTER BLUNDER

Christine Ohuruogu is to be prosecuted by her local council after she failed to put her recycling out for the third week running. The Olympic 400m Champion now faces a fine of up to £1,000 or 3 months imprisonment. “We operate a strict three strikes and out policy,” said a spokesman for Newham Borough Council, “Miss Ohuruogu has repeatedly failed to comply with our rubbish regulations and must now face the consequences.” The council source went on to explain that Ohuruogu had been issued with a “final written warning in the strongest words possible” just a week before her last offence. “The fact is that the individual has to be responsible for it is in the individual’s recycling bin,” the official continued, “we cannot verify this if Miss Ohuruogu does not make her bins available to be checked.”

Despite the criticism, the ditsy former World Champion was unrepentant when asked about the gaffe at a recent press conference. Slamming the council as “absolutely inflexible” she claimed that she had been diverted by a child’s birthday party and was thus forced to put her recycling in with a neighbour’s. “I have come through countless recycling checks whilst this has been going on,” thundered the clearly vexed Ohuruogu, “I think that I have enough on my plate contemplating whether or not to compete at the Commonwealth Games to be worrying about such nonsense.” A spokesman for Ohuruogu said that his charge would “vehemently defend” any action brought against her by the council. “It was a legitimate mix up,” stated the source shortly after stepping off a plane from Jamaica, “we understand the council have to check to make sure that all Christine’s recycling is in order, but they must also realise that she is a busy person.”