COULD 'RUNNING MORE' IMPROVE PERFORMANCE?

A landmark study to be published in the Old England Journal of Medicine (OEJM) looks set to leave the athletics world reeling after it has linked "increased training volume" with performative gains. Whilst academics at the echo's favourite University of North Dunstable have stressed that the study is "not yet complete", the interim results look set to blow current approaches to athletics out of the water.

A spokesman for the popular running forum for children, Eightlane dismissed any links between running and performance. Calling the study "irresponsible", the source claimed that academics "failed to provide a single reference athlete". The anonymous insider going by the name 'Interested' added: "it is these sort of gimmicks that are derailing any hopes we have of getting British distance running great again. The best thing athletes can do is wear compression garments, eat lots of supplements, obsess about their diets and whine about other athletes on our forum. Hard training never got anyone anywhere".

The authors of the study stand by their work, with one even disputing whether the "magic necklaces" worn by the likes of Paula Radcliffe actually work. "As we have said, these are early results" stressed the Emeritus Professor "but in at least 80% of our subjects, actual training and not mystery supplements and gluten free bread resulted in positive results". The study also questioned the increasing prevalence of allergies in distance runners - stating that "up to 99% were of questionable origin".

Whether the OEJM study will ultimately win over the doubters is unclear, but with senior UKA officials scrambling to rethink their latest 'training in business attire' experiment, it may already be having an impact.

RUNNING IS 'HARD WORK': REPORT

The sport of long distance running is "jolly difficult" according to a report seen by the lufbra echo. The news comes as some runners at last weekend's Trafford 10k complained of "shortness of breath" at the finish. "I got to 3k" gasped Ricky Stevenson after finishing 3rd "and thought 'this is going to be tough'....at 5k I felt worse". Despite rumours that Stevenson had "forgotten" about the race and so trained hard in the run up, many have said that this is the clearest evidence yet that the sport can be difficult.

Professor W A Ster from the University of North Dubstable who is the lead author of the paper, told the lufbra echo that his findings should "make everyone sit up and pay attention". "It goes along way to explaining why people struggled to convert their dreams into reality" explained the man who found running to be a healthy form of exercise last year "I think that UK Athletics should take this very seriously".

A key finding from the report was that in order to excel in athletics "a significant amount of hard training is required". However, sources close to several top athletes have slammed the findings as "ridiculous". "Hard work never got anyone anywhere" thundered Nick Goolab's Deputy Director of Bag Carrying Affairs "this is just a silly myth designed to scare people - Nick has gone straight for a blood test as a result".

It is not yet clear what the implications of the study will be, but 2012 insiders have said that crisis meetings are to be held over the coming days. "This is what we call a game-changer" said a source "it could have a profound impact on how the Games are structured - if they go ahead at all."

STRESS FRACTURE 'EPIDEMIC' CONCERNS DOCTORS

Britain's Chief Medical Officer has issued a dire warning as to the state of the nation's bone health today. Professor Dame Sally Davies has said that stress fractures amongst long distance runners are costing the NHS "millions of pounds". "Until recently, a stress fracture was a serious condition confined to a limited number of patients" said the Professor "today it seems that in order to be taken seriously as an athlete you have to of suffered such an injury".

Dame Sally added that whilst the findings of this recent report were "very worrying", the recovery rate - particularly amongst female athletes - was becoming remarkably fast. "Just a couple of years ago, a stress fracture would leave an athlete unable to walk for between two and four weeks, with it taking many months for a full recovery" said the sickle cell specialist "now it seems that the symptoms can mysteriously vanish ahead of an evening out with friends. It really is remarkable."

Professor Davies reported that recovery times "from diagnosis to resumption of full training" can be as little as a week. "However," she continued "such is the severity of the injury nowadays, the athlete feels the need to talk about the injury for some time after it has completely healed. They tend to drop it into casual conversations that have absolutely nothing to do with running whatsoever. For example, if one were to be talking about a broken mobile telephone, the formerly 'injured' athlete would add: 'broken - a little like my bone was when I had that stress fracture.' It becomes so very tiresome for the friends of the said athlete and as such the inevitably find themselves isolated."

The CMO said that she felt the NHS needed to "get a grip of the epidemic" and "deal with all facets of the condition". "If that means providing psychological help to injured athletes then so be it," she added.

DOCTORS CONCERNED AT ANAEMIA ‘EPIDEMIC’

The NHS is struggling to cope with an outbreak of athletes claiming to be “anaemic”. A report in the British Medical Journal has raised concerns that the UK’s already depleted blood supplies will be “dangerously impacted” if the trend of underperforming athletes demanding treatment continues. “There is no question that this is a fast and legal way to success,” said the article’s lead author, “but there is no way that we can maintain the hand out of such therapy so liberally”. Anaemia is said to have become “fashionable” amongst younger athletes after stars such as Paula Radcliffe diagnosed themselves with the disorder. “Similar trends were seen when Wayne Rooney fractured his metatarsal and David Beckham tore his Achilles,” said the report, “athletes pick up on these things and it is down to healthcare professionals to sort them out.” Calling for a "full and frank epidemiological survey", the report concluded that if the rise in "anaemia" diagnoses continued, the UK would run out of blood by the end of the Cross Country season.

UK Athletics are doing their level best to remain distant from such accusations, but an insider confidentially told the Echo that it was a serious issue. “You’ve got these guys running awfully one minute, diagnosing themselves with anaemia and then magically running huge PBs,” he said from inside a broom cupboard, “it’s amazing what a few iron tablets can do.” Journalists have also noted the phenomenon, with disappointed athletes immediately declaring themselves ‘anaemic’ after poor races. “It is becoming the answer to all underperformance,” said a BBC source, “bad race now seems to equal anaemia.”

The Power of Ten have been forced to deny speculation that they were set to introduce a “blood count” service on athlete profiles. It had been rumoured that the site would allow athletes to list their ferritin levels alongside all performances and thus a poor one would be recorded as ID (Iron Depleted). “That scheme has now been scrapped” says PoT’s Director of Operations, “it was unworkable to expect all athletes to undergo blood tests after races. I don’t see a future for such an idea.”

RUNNING ‘GOOD FOR YOU’ SHOCK

A study emerging from the University of North Dunstable has left the running community reeling this lunchtime as it has been revealed that running has “some positive health impacts.” The study, led by the same academic who revealed sprinters to be unintelligent earlier in the year, concludes that running could lead to “healthy weight loss, increases in fitness and all round good living.” The results- which were supposed to stay under wraps until later this year- have left many runners “absolutely stunned.” Said one member of Epsom Oddballs Running Club: “I can’t believe that running might be good for your health. This is a massive development and will make me think twice about my jog later.” It is thought that the same research is set to highlight that smoking “might be bad for you” and that eating too many cakes “may lead to weight gain.” Speaking at an event in Liverpool, Prime Minister David Cameron paid tribute to the work of the University of North Dunstable, stating that “[the researchers] were producing vital revelations on a regular basis.” Professor W.A. Ster, whose recent research showed that Afghanistan was "jolly dangerous", is now set to launch his new study into whether it is possible to run the qualifying standard for the European Championships "just because you said you would".