McCOURT BLAMES CUP CAKE INCIDENT FOR EURO SLUMP

Colin McCourt spent the run up to his dismal 1500m European Indoor heat in a Paris police cell, the Lufbra Echo can reveal. The controversial Aldershort star was arrested on Saturday morning following a row at one of the French capital's world famous patisseries and only released with "hours to spare". A spokesman for UK Athletics confirmed that "an unfortunate incident" had taken place. "Colin became upset after he was informed that his favourite flavour of cup cake had run out" said the source "he flew into a vicious rage and we regret to say got very violent indeed."

McCourt's coach - Craig Winrow - was left seething by the affair and accused the French police of "overreacting". "What is the world coming to?" blasted Winrow "a little bit of shouting and a few smashed windows and this is what happens. It's outrageous". Adding that UKA's response time was "pathetic" Winrow claimed that the whole day left his charge "tired and emotional" and wondered whether "Colin will ever be able to race again".

It is understood that McCourt requested the "Fruits de Tropique" cup cake, having become hooked on the flavour on Friday evening. When offered the banana topped goody instead, the 3:37 man was inconsolable and that is when things took a turn for the worst. Onlookers were forced to duck for cover as the star hurled croissants and icing sugar around the store. Speaking after his race, a despondent McCourt called his performance "embarrassing" and slammed his opponents as "weak". "It was a great opportunity against that lot" McCourt told the BBC "I am embarrassed, I don't deserve to be here". Stopping short of apologising, the 26 year-old conceded that his "behaviour needed attention".

UKA refused to speculate on the consequences for McCourt, but it looks likely he will be charged with brining the sport into disrepute and fined up to £15,000.

EUROPEAN BORN ATHLETE WINS EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP SCANDAL

European Athletics are tonight launching an investigation into the "farcical scenes" that marred today's European Cross Country Championships. In what senior officials have branded "a deeply sad and shocking day", not one but three athletes of European birth scooped an individual title. "What's the point of these competitions if non-Europeans can't come and dominate?" thundered a senior aide to the President "it is a complete nonsense. We will be looking into this and believe that it is likely to be the fault of the British."

A UKA spokesman dismissed the accusations as "hysterical" and "made in the heat of the moment" but did concede that the Championships were "effectively a waste of time" after Charlotte Purdue stormed to victory in the Junior Women's race. "That set the tone for a hugely embarrassing day" said the official "with Augusto [the Portuguese female] also winning a title, it is a dark day for this event and then Lebid crowned a proper disaster." Going on to state that "if anyone was to blame then Dwain Chambers was likely to be at fault" the source said that UKA would be "fully compliant" with any investigation.

A bad day got worse for the Spanish as the vast majority of their team suddenly had "pressing personal matters" to attend to back in Madrid. A well placed insider at the Spanish federation mused on "what the point of importing a load of African runners was if they weren't allowed to race".

UKA CONCERN AT LIVERPOOL CONDITIONS

UK Athletics have expressed their "horror" at the weather forecast for tomorrow's Liverpool Cross Challenge. It is understood that after last year's selection fiasco, all selectors are being forced to "actually attend" the event and as such are "mortified" at the prospect of the sub-zero temperatures expected tomorrow. "It is totally unreasonable" thundered a spokesperson for Director of Endurance, Ian Stewart "you wouldn't treat a slave like this. Ian has had to order a massive fur coat and had the UKA logo embroidered on it just to survive the cold".

The endurance team are thought to be furious at a demand from UKA chiefs that they must show an interest in "each and every event, even the senior women". It is also rumoured that the VIP lounge that has been laid on at most other events has been scrapped in the name of austerity. Insiders have expressed fears that if selectors are allowed to mingle with "normal Liverpudlians" there could be trouble. "I hear that security has been relaxed this year" said a source "it could mean that the selectors are held to account by the athletes and that could be awful". Police have already confirmed that "a number of known trouble makers" will not be permitted at Sefton Park tomorrow- Mick Woods is said to be appealing the decision.

Speaking from his holiday home in the Maldives, UKA supremo Neils De Vos was unrepentant and largely unsympathetic. "I think it is appropriate that the whole team is there. It's not all that bad and they can rally together and see it as a sort of camping trip" said De Vos. "It's just such a shame that I can't be there as I have pressing athletics related business to deal with out here".

De Vos' demands have been heavily criticised by athletics guru, George Gandy. The guru was told in no uncertain terms that it would not be acceptable to despatch his PA Alasdair Donaldson to the event and Gandy wondered "what the point of an apprentice was if you couldn't send him to do chores". "After all," he continued "you don't have a dog and bark yourself." The assistant is instead to remain in Loughborough and transcribe the results into an email ready to send out to all and sundry. Donaldson - who does not have the time to read this site - is said to be "delighted" with his assignment and aims to maintain the high standards his emails have thus far exhibited.

‘STUPID’ KENYANS FRUSTRATE BADDELEY

Andy Baddeley has blamed “inane conversations with stupid athletes” for his less than impressive form this season. In a revealing interview with the Lufbra Echo, the British number one bemoaned the intelligence of the average Kenyan. “Let’s face it,” said the Cambridge graduate, “[the Kenyans] aren’t on the same level as me. They’re dull and I can’t stand making small talk with anybody- least of all them.” Baddeley, who claims to be in the shape of his life athletically, has not troubled his personal records since 2008 but has refused to let this get to him. “With 150m to go at the European Championships I was certain I would win the Gold Medal,” said the Harrow man, “but then I realised that my IQ was higher than the rest of the field put together and it put me right off.” Baddeley also said that his campaign for all athletes to be degree educated was not going as well as he might have hoped. “It’s for everyone’s benefit,” thundered the one time 3:49 miler, “I just can’t stand sitting in call rooms with a procession of dumb ass Kenyans staring blankly into space or at their managers. I tried to strike up a conversation with Asbel Kiprop about the complexities of particle physics and he didn’t know what I was talking about.”

Baddeley, who says that his part time lecturing at St. Mary’s is charity work for the “intellectually challenged”, has been forced to mount a rigorous defence of his racing tactics this season. Steve Cram and Brendan Foster both felt that he overestimated his ability to kick away from his rivals in the European Championships. “What an earth do they [Cram and Foster] know about how to run a race? I really do get tired of simpletons telling me what to do,” said the fifth placer, “I executed my races perfectly; it was just my realisation of how intelligent I am comparatively wrought havoc with my psychophysiology.” Many have also questioned Baddeley’s decision to stick with New Balance as his sponsor despite lucrative approaches from Nike and Adidas: “This is because New Balance understand my intellectual quality,” he explained whilst showing off his Graduation certificates from Cambridge, “Nike is for idiots who can’t handle more complex logos.”

ROUNDING EVERYTHING UP

GREAT NEWS fans! We're back. Rumours that "creative differences" could have brought an end to the Echo are unfounded. We're as united as we have ever been and ready to get on with some serious reporting. However, a quick gloss over Eightlane reveals that we have missed a good deal in the past fortnight and so here it all is...........

UKA MISSING CAKE RIDDLE



BMC DENIES 'MAKING UP' TIMES

Red faced officials at the British Milers Club have been forced to deny that they made up the times at a recent meeting. An insider said: "it was absolutely legitimate. Bob stood at the start of the race and counted out loud for the duration of the 5k. We then had Gill writing down the times as people crossed the line." The source dismissed suggestions that this wasn't accurate and rejected accusations that they asked athletes "what they thought they'd run" after the event.

ATHLETE FORMERLY KNOWN AS GEELE IN PASSPORT GAFFE

The athlete formerly known as Geele, now to be referred to as Gala has lost his passport just days after being given it, the Lufbra Echo can reveal. Concerned UKA chiefs have asked the public to be on the look out for the document, which Geele (or Gala, possibly both) last saw when boarding a tram in Wimbledon. "It's mystery," sighed a UKA official, "it took us ages to get the lad British Citizenship and now we may have to start over." Insiders have also denied rumours that the Newham star changed his name in a sponsorship deal with Gala bingo.

BARNI IN CRYSTAL PALACE SNUB


OUT IN THE COLD: Barni failed to impress in Barcelona

If you go down to the Palace today you won't be seeing Barni Bear, the Lufbra Echo is sad to report. After what many have called a "disappointing" European Championships, the mascot was denied entry into the United Kingdom early this morning. Mr. Barni, who in truth struggled to live up to the glorious performance of his relative Berlino, was arrested at Heathrow after UKA decided that they didn't want him "anywhere near" the Diamond League meeting this evening. An insider said that many found the bear "disturbing". "Let's face it," said the source "he isn't the cuddly wonder that Berlino was...there's something not right about him; more an albino prototype than a sporting mascot."

'ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN FINAL' SHOCK

The British athletics community is reeling from the revelation that "anything can happen in a final". It seems that theory was developed by top UKA boffins and has been drilled into every single athlete competing, either that or it is a competition to see how many times you can say the phrase. Alas, Echo favourite, James Dasaolu was unable to see if anything could happen as he did not manage to make the final of the 100m. Speaking shortly before the Championships, Dasaolu confidently told Phil Jones of the BBC that "firstly, I want to make the final....anything can happen in a final....firstly, I want to win a medal. In order to win a medal, I have to make the final". Right.

Further credence was given to the theory last night when Mark Lewis-Francis (self styled: MLF) stormed to a silver medal in 10.18 seconds- just 0.6s off the World Record. It was incredibly unfortunate for the BBC as they spent much of the time we all had to wait for the result pondering what colour medal Dwain Chambers might have won. Completely oblivious to the fact that Lewis-Francis had quite literally rolled his way to silver, Denise Lewis and Colin Jackson launched into a post mortem on Chambers' race: "he over strides and it cost him the race...it might even be that Bronze," opined Jackson of Chambers (who finished fifth), before confirming that Lamaitre "so certainly" won the race. In fact, so sure were Beeb producers that Lewis-Francis was not going to win a medal that they didn't even bother to put a front-on camera in his lane, thus meaning viewers were robbed of the opportunity to hear the pundits' views on his facial expressions.

"I'm so happy right about now," said Lewis-Francis of his "new beginning", before ruining his moment by deciding to speak in the third-person: "this is the new Mark Lewis-Francis". Is it? Would that be the same "new" Lewis-Francis who actually ran quicker a few years ago, won an Olympic (relay) medal and then went on to test positive for marijuana in 2005? Perhaps not. Thankfully, the BBC had wasted so long dwelling on the demise of Chambers that we weren't able to find out much about MLF's views on his medal. He did, however, state that it "was all thanks to Linford [Christie, Lewis-Francis' coach and convicted drug cheat]" before going onto say that it was also thanks to just about everyone else in the stadium.

Lewis-Francis was clearly delighted and rightly so. But he wasn't half as delighted as Steve Cram was when Chambers failed to medal: "Chambers has crumbled!" he gleefully proclaimed before continuing his pre-race love in with the victorious Frenchman. Oh well, Steve, we all agree that we shouldn't ever forgive people for their past mistakes- particularly cheats! Just like I hate people who run off and cheat on their wives when they have kids at home. I'm sure you'll agree.

VAN COMMENEE RUES GANDY BET

Charles Van Commenee has been forced to appear on live television in a ridiculous hat after losing a bet with athletics guru, George Gandy. The hat (pictured above) was described by one UKA official as “the most laughable garment ever made” and Van Commenee was less than delighted at having to get through the already tortuous interview with the BBC's Phil Jones wearing it. “Charles bet George that he could not eat his entire helping of paella,” revealed an insider, “Gandy promptly downed the lot in less than 10 minutes and still had room for dessert.” It is understood that had Gandy lost the bet, he would have had to have watched Lisa Dobriskey’s race wearing an “I LOVE JAMAL” t-shirt.

UKA Chief Execuitve Niels De Vos is unlikely to look kindly on the antics of the pair, after having to apologise for a string of pranks that culminated in Ian Stewart spending the night in a police cell at the World Indoors earlier in the year. “We will do all we can to ensure that everything is professional,” said the arriving chief this morning, “we are here to watch athletics and not have fun.”

RUNNING ‘GOOD FOR YOU’ SHOCK

A study emerging from the University of North Dunstable has left the running community reeling this lunchtime as it has been revealed that running has “some positive health impacts.” The study, led by the same academic who revealed sprinters to be unintelligent earlier in the year, concludes that running could lead to “healthy weight loss, increases in fitness and all round good living.” The results- which were supposed to stay under wraps until later this year- have left many runners “absolutely stunned.” Said one member of Epsom Oddballs Running Club: “I can’t believe that running might be good for your health. This is a massive development and will make me think twice about my jog later.” It is thought that the same research is set to highlight that smoking “might be bad for you” and that eating too many cakes “may lead to weight gain.” Speaking at an event in Liverpool, Prime Minister David Cameron paid tribute to the work of the University of North Dunstable, stating that “[the researchers] were producing vital revelations on a regular basis.” Professor W.A. Ster, whose recent research showed that Afghanistan was "jolly dangerous", is now set to launch his new study into whether it is possible to run the qualifying standard for the European Championships "just because you said you would".