SOUTHEND READY TO SPLASH CASH AS TRANSFER WINDOW OPENS

Southend AC have this evening signalled their ambition for the forthcoming summer by approaching no fewer than five big names in the distance running world. The Essex club have recently been taken over by a super-rich paper merchant from Sardinia, who has demanded European Athletics success within the next two years. The Lufbra Echo understands that Southend have made a multi-million pound offer for Morpeth's Nick McCormick and have also expressed an interest in enticing Andrew Lemoncello back to the UK.

Whilst McCormick is well known to be on the look out for a move, it seems unlikely that he would lower himself to Division 3 athletics just for the sake of financial gain. A Morpeth spokesman slammed Southend's "obscene" levels of wealth and said that the club had not ruled out reporting them to UKA. "It's really bad form," thundered the source "they come here with their big Essex chequebooks and try to unsettle our top guys- it's wrong, just wrong". McCormick remained silent on the possibility this evening, but insiders have revealed that the 3:33 1500m could be on the verge of a "career defining move" in the next month.

Lemoncello, meanwhile, was spotted sharing fish and chips with Southend chiefs just last week and sources have let slip that the seaside club could be about to net the British number 1 marathoner. "The Chairman sent a private jet to collect Mr Lemoncello" said the high level aide "it was a really productive discussion and they discussed the merits of setting up a training base in the area." It is understood that Lemoncello "likes the idea of living on an island" and as such is contemplating the purchase of a property on nearby Canvey Island. "We know of a few hills on the isle" continued the source "and so it would be just like training at altitude".

Southend have also had offers for Mo Farah and the athlete formerly known as Geele (now to be called Gala) rejected by Newham and Essex Beagles. However, with Frank Baddick "desperately unhappy" with the new kit at the London club, it looks likely that he will be allowed to leave. Strong Loughborough links have also resulted in leading names such as Gary Bradbury and Rob Whittle "not ruling out" the possibility of a move. "If the set up and club philosophy was right" opined Bradbury "then I would consider the switch. For me, it's all about the feel of a place. If I knew everyone's karma was right then yes, I would look at Southend." A spokesman for the Essex club categorically denied speculation that they were about to or had any intention of ever signing Pete Matthews.

THE ANDREW LEMONCELLO DIARIES.....

Every Wednesday, the Echo will now be taking a sneaky peek into the diaries of some of our nation’s best. This week, it’s Britain’s new revelation over the marathon- Andrew Lemoncello.

Monday 24th May

Woke up early this morning and got a run in- 12 miles at marathon pace. I was really disappointed with the level of support offered by passers-by. It was like no one was interested that I was running and they all seemed miserable to me. It reminded me of London, where the crowd support was the worst I have ever seen and certainly cost me at least 3 minutes. The run itself was fine and when I got in, I had my standard glass of lemon squash and listened to my favourite cello music.

The afternoon was spent interviewing for a new cleaner! I have come to the decision that I just do not have the time to be cleaning my house anymore. Unfortunately, I was not able to appoint on this occasion, as I didn’t feel the interviewee would be very supportive when I made my lunch. Despite this lack of support, managed to get an easy 8 mile run in this evening.

Tuesday 25th May

Decided against running today as I felt that I was not giving myself enough support. It is hard to motivate yourself in an environment like that and so then it is best just not to run rather than risk underperforming. Actually spent the day clothes shopping! I tried on various outfits before settling on one in Gap. I then bought four exactly the same, to avoid having to make difficult choices every morning. Was really disappointed with the lack of support offered when I asked for a discount.

Wednesday 26th May

Did 48 miles today, as my coach was really unsupportive when I told him that I had not run yesterday. I thought about it and opted to make all the miles up today so as to avoid difficult days ahead. Really struggled to get out of the house this morning as I couldn’t decide which pair of sunglasses to wear. I have some brand new Oakleys (which I didn’t use in London and that cost me over 2 minutes) but I also have some Ray Bans. In the end I went for an old pair of Nike ones as I just couldn’t make up my mind. After much thought, I decided not to wear my Garmin today.

Thursday 27th May

Didn’t run today as I was really tired for some reason. Can’t understand why. Went food shopping and no one seemed to know who I was. I find this odd as I was wearing my ‘LEMONCELLO’ bib from the London Marathon. Can Americans not read? I bought my usual shopping list, which includes 25 lemons and absolutely no oranges. I hate oranges they are by far the worst citrus fruit and I would encourage anyone to join my petition to get the Orange banned on Facebook.

Friday 28th May

Did 56 miles today, as I have been slacking a bit. This included a session, which went badly for some reason. Don’t know why, but I have decided to part company with my coach as a result. When he was shouting my splits on the track, there was no real support in there. It was almost as if he didn’t know that I was British! I was really tired after my evening run and so decided to relax by squeezing some lemons and throwing darts at my Mo Farah poster.

NEXT WEEK: Ryan McLeod.

COE SET TO WIELD AXE AS TORY CUTS START TO BITE

Sebastian Coe has today revealed the 2012 Games “will not and should not” be exempt from the forthcoming public service cuts set out by the new Conservative Government. Speaking from a press conference outside Downing Street (where he had met with Dave and/or Nick), his Lordship conceded that plans were already falling into place. “We cannot kid ourselves,” said William Hague’s former ‘Chief of Staff’, “the public purse is in a mess and it is our responsibility to do something about it”. Coe refused to be drawn on speculation surrounding where the cuts would be made, but the Lufbra Echo yesterday revealed that the former world record holder was “seriously thinking about” opting for a grass track in order to make the Olympics “greener”. An insider told this morning how Coe and the LOCOG board had “been shopping in Wilkinson’s” in search of a cheap set of medals. “Lord Coe is hoping that by buying in bulk we will save a packet,” said one of the Lord’s senior aides, “he’s really quite set on the idea.”

Meanwhile, other sources have leaked news that the one hundred metres may be reduced to 95 in order to save some money. “This is a 5% reduction,” enthused a BOA insider, “and we have not ruled out downsizing other events. I know that there is a general feeling that the marathon is too long anyway- we’re thinking about just saying the winner of the London Marathon [in April] is the Olympic Champion- it will save a lot of hassle.” It also looks certain that “almost all” the women’s Track and Field events will be cancelled. Our source went on, “would you really miss them? We sat in Beijing and thought ‘what a waste of time!’ They’re slower and duller than the men....most aren’t even that attractive”.

Downing Street also refused to deny speculation that the Government was set to cancel the Olympics altogether. A story set to be printed in a Sunday newspaper reveals how the new administration is “looking to postpone the Games to a more economically convenient time.” A Whitehall source said, “telephone calls have been made. We have looked at trying to loan the Games out to some other country that has loads of money. Like Greece, for example”.

It was confirmed last week that plans to have Dame Kelly Holmes present some of the medals were scrapped after the great Dame demanded a £300,000 payment per medal as well as helicopter transport to and from each ceremony. It is thought that the incoming Culture Minister, Jeremy Hunt (who was a Conservative at the time of writing), was fuming when he discovered such an astronomical sum was being mooted. Hunt has also vetoed demands by Usain Bolt that there be “a chicken nugget outlet on every corner” on the grounds that it was extortionate.

It seems that Bolt will not be the only athlete to be disappointed with the feeding arrangements. Newly appointed Prime Minister David Cameron (and/or Nick Clegg, delete as appropriate) has indicated that it is likely that ASDA will provide “two meals a day, maximum” for each athlete. Horrified by the thought of having to eat such rubbish, Andrew Lemoncello has “ruled himself out” of the Games. A Lemoncello source said, “Andrew is clear on this- ASDA’s green colours naturally offend him and the Olympics really isn’t that high on his list of priorities anyway”.

Elsewhere, Ryanair has been confirmed as the “Official Airline” of the 2012 Olympics.

AIRLINE BLUNDER ANGERS LEMONCELLO

FURY: Lemoncello criticized crowd support in London before having to fly home in Economy Class


A "hugely disappointing weekend" is how Andrew Lemoncello has described last Sunday's marathon debut. Having described the atmosphere at the event as "like a bloody funeral", the Scot's bad luck seemed to continue as he was bumped from his Business Class reservation on his flight back to the States for "operational reasons". "I had to sit in economy with a bunch of no hopers" fumed the Fife man, "how can I be expected to train properly with that amount of leg room? It was absolutely awful- I refused to eat that rancid stuff they called food. It looked like vomit". It seems the mix up occurred after European flight operations continue to struggle to get back to normal after the volcanic ash cloud brought the continent to a standstill last week.

This was one setback too many for Lemoncello, who argued with airline representatives for over ninety minutes at Heathrow. After being told that he would have to sit in economy, the 2:13 marathoner walked away holding his head and was seen to shed a tear as he had to queue up "like everyone else" in the non-fast tracked security line. The Scot vowed that he would "never fly with American Airlines again" as he stropped towards his gate. "Did you see how long it took to clear passport control? And I didn't have access to the VIP lounge and so had to sit in a McDonald's. It was so degrading".

Things did not get much better for the Flagstaff based man when he viewed the official photographs from race day. Calling them "disappointing at best", Lemoncello bemoaned the fact that they made him "look like a fat jogger." "I deliberately chose yellow as it was slimming, they [the photographs] make me look 10-12 pounds heavier than I actually am," he told the Lufbra Echo. The Scot was also furious with allegations from a watching Brendan Foster that his white gloves were "a mistake". "I am one of the few guys who can pull that off," thundered the former steeplechaser, "how can that oaf say that. It's jealousy- pure and simple. He wants my complexion and my talent- I've got more talent in my little toe than Foster ever had."

Lemoncello's agent has now sent a communication out to all race organizers that his charge will only consider racing if Business Class travel is offered "as a minimum".

NEWS ROUND-UP

LEMONCELLO PONDERS NAME CHANGE

Andrew Lemoncello will be dropping the 'Lemon' from his name after he decided it was necessary "in order to be taken more seriously". In an extraordinary interview with the Lufbra Echo, Britain's latest marathon star also slammed what he called "virtually non-existent" support on the London Marathon course. "What were they playing at?" fumed the Scot, "it was like I was alone out there. I am certain that I would have won [Lemoncello came 8th] if they had cheered for me. It was very poor."

When asked to elaborate on his name decision, the American based star said, "I am tired of being associated with citrus fruit. The organizers of major events always insist on giving me lemonade to drink". The former steeplechaser also confirmed that he would not be signing a potentially lucrative deal with Sprite. "It's not for me," he said as he left London this morning, "I just think that no one thinks of me as a serious athlete because I have such a stupid name." Lemoncello went on to blame a "naive" decision to ditch his sunglasses hours before the start of the marathon on Sunday. "I really struggled with that one," revealed the 2:13 marathoner, "I bought them at Sunglass Hut on the way over and they are so cool- I am sure it [the lack of them] slowed me down, maybe by up to three or four minutes."

RADCLIFFE IMPRESSES AT MARATHON SNOOZE FEST

The Marathon World Record holder, Paula Radcliffe has courted high praise for her "sensationally bland" commentary at the recent London Marathon. BBC chiefs are said to be "thrilled" with her progress as she managed to last nearly three hours without making one useful point. "It's a difficult thing to master and I know that Steve Cram really struggled with it," said a BBC insider, "commentators have to talk utter nonsense otherwise viewers may start to realize that they are tuned in and switch off". The praise comes after Radcliffe was heavily criticized for her performance at the Winter Olympics. Viewers were said to be "aghast" at her attempts to make coherent sense when covering the Curling. One viewer said, "her voice is perfect to lull us to sleep. When she tries all that intelligent stuff it just isn't on".

ELECTION LATEST: BROWN ASKED FOR OPINION ON IAN STEWART