EDWARDS COY ON TORCH BEARER ROLE

Jonathan Edwards has said that he would be "honoured" to light the Olympic torch at next year's London Olympics. The announcement comes just days after Dame Kelly Holmes launched her own bid to become the flame bearer under the strapline DK to Shoot Up. Holmes, who says that she is "the clear choice", told her On Camp With Kelly group that they must "forget about" their summer seasons and spend their time "hitting Facebook, Twitter and everything else" to get the bid going. Holmes is understood to count Edwards amongst her key rivals.

"I'm not saying that I'm putting myself forward" Edwards told Radio Five Live "but it would be a real honour. I know that Seb [His Lordship, Sebastian Newbold Coe] and I go way back and it would be nice to think that loyalty is repaid - not that I'm interested". The Triple Jump World Record holder - whom the echo revealed to be a twerp last year - dismissed a suggestion that fellow BBC commentator Steve Cram could be in with a shout: "it's a real shame Steve never managed to get that Olympic Gold. I guess that that is a pre-requisite".

Meanwhile, the Office of His Lordship have confirmed that they have received "a number of gifts" for the Baron in recent weeks. It is understood that Brendan Foster sent in a "selection of his favourite cakes", David Beckham provided a case of fine wine, whilst Tom Daly (the diver) sent in his favourite cuddly toy. Kelly Sotherton is believed to have emailed a video file marked "for the Lord's eyes only" as her pitch for glory.

"These bribes won't make a difference" said the Lord's Deputy Director of Being Like An Everyday Guy (North West Region) "the BBC have already stipulated that the Opening Ceremony must feature Jessica Ennis in every shot, so our hands are tied on this one. We did however really enjoy eating the chocolates that Paula Radcliffe sent in".

POKING SCANDAL LEAVES HOWE ON BRINK

David Howe and Alasdair Donaldson's relationship is "beyond economical repair" after Donaldson failed to return the Canadian's Facebook 'poke'. Loughborough's assistant coach is understood to have used the feature over the weekend in a bid to show that there were no hard feelings towards George Gandy's PA after the pair clashed at the Ed Prickett Relays. Onlookers were shocked as they had to be separated in a row over Donaldson's cap.

"David is absolutely gutted" said a source close to the academic "he really thought he had a kindred spirit in Alasdair and that together they could take the reigns when Mr Gandy stands down. He is seriously thinking about moving on now." It is not the first time that Donaldson has found himself in hot water over Facebook usage. The tea and coffee man was fined and firmly reprimanded by UKA last year when he deleted Charles Van Commonee and just last week the Daily Mail published an interview with an enraged Dani Christmas claiming she was "ignored" on the site's chat facility.

It is thought that Gandy will look to host "clear the air" talks tomorrow, but with both parties refusing to confirm their attendance a resolution is looking increasingly unlikely. Insiders have told of how the guru is becoming "extremely frustrated with the "pathetic squabbles" between his deputies. Earlier this year, he was forced to publicly revoke John Nutall's parking privileges after he was deemed to of "maliciously" parked in the space reserved for Bill Foster. This latest dispute "could be the straw that breaks the camel's back" according to insiders and "may lead to an embarrassing dismissal" before the week is out.

BRENDAN FOSTER SACKED FOR RAISED EYEBROW

Brendan Foster is to have his contract with the BBC terminated after he raised an eyebrow at Jessica Ennis, the Lufbra Echo can reveal. The tubby ex-athlete has been the subject of a torrent of Twitter abuse after a YouTube clip came to light showing him "engaging in an adult conversation about athletics" and "complementing [Ennis] on her good performance last year". "This sort of behaviour is absolutely out of order" thundered a senior Beeb executive "we have made this absolutely clear to Brendan and as a result he will not be working with us again". Foster has not commented officially but he is understood to be "devastated" to have been stripped of his job. "Bren is not a dinosaur" said a close friend "in fact, he views everyone on their own merits and so such behaviour is completely out of character".

Foster is not the only boorish BBC male in hot water. News of his dismissal comes as sound recordings of John Inverdale and Jonathan Edwards discussing the fact that Jemma Simpson had "a nice running style" have been made available online. BBC insiders have told of how this is representative of "an awful atmosphere that belongs in the 1950s". "It's appalling to work around such bigots" said the anonymous source "the other week whilst we were covering the Edinburgh Cross Country, Steve Cram offered me his coat as it was cold. How dated is that attitude? I was hurt and upset, but fear for my job if I go public".

The BBC are reeling from the incidents this evening and it looks inevitable that tough action awaits those who fail to comply with the anti sex discrimination guidelines. "It is high time that female athletes a judged on how they perform rather than how they look" said one such female athlete shortly after a photo shoot "this pre-historic behaviour is appalling".

FULL COVERAGE OF SEX-GATE SCANDAL IN THE ECHO:
- Do women really know the false start rule?
- Why is the women's discuss lighter than the men's? Isn't this discrimination?
- Andy Gray to become Head of Female Athletics at UKA
- Outrage as UKA official "looks female in the eye"

THE ECHO ASKS: IS THIS MAN SINGLE HANDEDLY KILLING ATHLETICS?

Wanted: Edwards is suspected of "crimes against athletics"

In a shocking report seen by the Lufbra Echo Jonathan Edwards has been accused of being "absolutely responsible" for destroying the interest in British athletics. The world triple jump record holder - affectionately known as Jedwards by his colleagues - has been presenting on the BBC for the past few years and viewers are said to be "turning off in disgust."

"He's unbearable" thundered one Rita from Tunbridge Wells "smug, dismissive, ignorant and dull....I turn the sound down when he comes on." The report commissioned by the BBC Trust and written by academics at the University of North Dunstable said that Edwards' hair was becoming "an increasing concern". "The style of spiked follicles via the use of a hair gel formula" said the authors "is more at home on entertainment programs such as the X Factor than athletics coverage".

Edwards took some heavy criticism after his dismal showing at the European Athletics Championships and many thought that he would not be appearing as the anchor again. However, with Steve Cram and Brendan Foster citing an "adverse reaction to snow" and Sue Barker refusing to work at Winter, Beeb executives were left with no option but to hand the microphone to the hapless Edwards. "We are aware of a number of complaints surrounding Mr Edwards" said a spokesman "this is something we are looking into and can confirm that it was an executive decision to ask Mr Edwards not to wear his earring ever again."

The news comes as a blow to Edwards who was the subject of a similar report last year confirming his credentials as something of a twerp. He will be hoping that the relatively unwatched indoor season will allow him scope to revive his fading reputation.

LORD GURU GANDY SET TO NAME APPRENTICE

The climax of "the job interview from hell" is to be reached this weekend as the Guru reveals the chosen one - and winner of a three figure salary - from the two remaining candidates. Alasdair Donaldson and David Howe have beaten off the competition of thousands and a twelve month selection process in order to go head to head in the final. Donaldson - who does not have the time to read this blog - has five times been in the firing line and has the poorer record of the two. Canadian Howe, meanwhile, only came unstuck in the Craig Mottram task when his athlete was nearly lapped by the Australian.

"Alasdair has shown great passion and tenacity" explained the Guru to a the BBC's One Show, "he has a lot to learn but if he was prepared to listen, I am sure we could do something with him." Donaldson has been a controversial figure from the start and was almost immediately sent packing when he project managed the disastrous Portugal task. On that occasion, he was able to convince the Guru of his "huge potential" and passed the blame on to the "virtually absent" John Nutall who was fired. The Fife man then went on to record some big wins - most notably in the Circuit Session task where he scrapped the conventional method of calling out time every 30 seconds for an automated watch and then again in the Emailing task, where he sent all of the Guru's emails out in the quickest time.

"David is more a safe pair of hands" said the Guru of Howe "he has been round the block a few times, but I am concerned about his maverick tendencies." Howe was lucky to escape in Portugal after his team recorded a narrow victory. However, the Middle Saturday task led to him being heavily criticised by Ian Anholm - one of his Lordship's aides - for spiking the drink of one his athletes in a bid to help him relax. Howe shone in the Winter Session task when he "rolled the dice" in opting to go ahead with a grass session despite explicit instructions to do otherwise. Howe was also praised for a "spark of brilliance" when opting to ignore the fact that one of his athletes had tripped and fallen in a 1500m race. Calling it "a moment of true intuition" the Guru immediately put the Canadian through to the latter stages much to the ire of Bill Foster, with whom Howe has regularly clashed. Foster was fired after the Easy Run task went wrong and some of his athletes were spotted running sub-5 minute miles - something that Foster claims was "David's idea".

The final task sees the two finalists really put through their paces as they both pitch to the Guru their ideas for his 'Office Expansion Project.' The winner will be rewarded with a seat in the corner of the new office and the dream opportunity of making Lord Gandy's tea.

NEWS ROUND UP

COE IN STADIUM NAMING RIDDLE

Lord Sebastian Coe KBE has lost his cool after being informed that the Olympic Stadium will not be called 'The Sebastian Newbold Coe, Baron Coe KBE is Brilliant Stadium'. It is understood that his Lordship presented the idea to fellow Olympic Chiefs last week who unanimously kicked it into touch. Speaking to the Lufbra Echo, Lord Coe said that the British Olympic Association were "ungrateful". "We are here because of me and I think that they should remember that" said the former 800m World Record holder "I think it is high time I got the sort of recognition that Lord Sugar gets." It is thought that Lord Coe is particularly upset that the BBC would not allow him to run his own version of Sugar's Apprentice in order to help him find a new butler. "How come someone like that [Sugar] - a commoner gets all the glamour, whilst I am here with nothing?" thundered the LOCOG Chairman, before breaking off the interview to go and shout at an architect "because he could". 

BRENDAN FOSTER MAY QUIT BBC OVER CAKE ROW

Brendan Foster, for so long the voice of British athletics coverage, has handed the Beeb an ultimatum over cake, the Lufbra Echo understands. It is thought that Foster, who retired from running some years ago, is furious after he was told that only three types of cake would be provided at major athletics events from now on. An insider has told of how Mr Foster was "horrified" by the news and would "struggle to cope" with remaining awake for the entirety of the London Marathon without "at least ten" cakes on the go at once. "How would you feel if you were handed a 70% real terms pay cut?" asked a Foster representative "it's not his fault that the BBC have run out of money." The BBC declined to comment on the record this evening, but a source close to Beeb chiefs revealed that "they couldn't care less" if Foster leaves.

ROYAL COUPLE TO MARRY

Prince Robert Whittle of Loughborough has announced his engagement to Laura Kenny. It is understood that the Prince, second in line to the thrown currently occupied by King Guru Gandy III, proposed to Miss Kenny during a training run in the Outwoods and they will be married later this year. Cross Country Captain, Ben Snowball hailed a "wonderful day" for Loughborough and hoped that it would take everyone's mind of the continuing dismal showing at recent cross country events. Miss Kenny will become the Princess of Shepshed after the marriage and has said that she is "one hundred percent committed" to continuing with her career despite the change in circumstances.

HOWE ATHLETE RUNS PB SHOCK

An athlete coached by David Howe has run a personal best, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The result, which is believed to have come over 10km, has left many in the sport shocked. "This is absolutely crazy news" said one spectator, "it is going to turn the athletics world upside down." It is understood that the runner, who has asked not to be named, has engaged in some "solid" training over recent months and that is how the performance is being explained. An insider at Loughborough this evening dismissed the news as a "blip" and remained confident that normal service would soon be restored.

GEB: BEKELE BROTHERS FORCED ME OUT

Haile Gebrselassie has sensationally revealed the real reasons behind his shock retirement from athletics last weekend. The 27 times world record holder has told the Lufbra Echo that Kenenisa Bekele and his brother Tariku have become "entirely unworkable". Speaking just days after dropping out at 16 miles of the New York Marathon, the Ethiopian blamed a "relentless torrent" of Facebook abuse from the elder brother for his dismal showing and ultimate withdrawal. "It was on my mind all the way through and I haven't slept in months," sobbed the usually upbeat star "Ken kept tagging me in status updates saying that I was past it and Tariku has deleted me altogether."

Gebrselassie told of how "countless stars" had been in contact "begging" him to reconsider. "I've had Brendan [Foster] and Paula [Radcliffe] on Twitter saying that they much prefer me to them," said the first man to break 2:04 for the marathon "but I am not sure I can take Kenenisa hiding my spikes anymore - it's just too much". It is understood that Gebrselassie will be writing a "reveal all" memoir early next year, where he will blow the lid on the "scandalous" behaviour going on at Ethiopian training sessions.

"Kenenisa is very moody indeed," sighed the great man "one day he would be fine with you and then the next he would be upset because Arsenal lost." The younger Bekele is also rumoured to "hate" anyone who speaks ill of his brother. "I once beat Ken in a tempo run and Tariku completely lost it with me," said Gebrselassie "he pushed me on the ground drove off in his BMW X5. Later on he hacked into my Facebook and dumped my wife." Gebrselassie also said that the Ethiopian authorities were "powerless to do anything" about the increasing control exercised by the brothers. "Everyone is terrified of them. Even the Government is scared; not one member of the family pay taxes - it really is awful".

No one from the Bekele camp was available for comment this evening, but the Echo has been told to "expect a strongly worded email" from the family solicitors early next week.

NEW AGE FOR SKY AS MNF RETURNS

It isn’t athletics but it should be. Sky’s brand spanking new series of Monday Night Football returned to our screens last week and it didn’t half do it in style. Richard Keys and Andy Gray put the footballing world to rights with the very latest gadgets and gismos including – as we discovered this week – an indoor mini-pitch. “We don’t really need technology for this, do we?” pondered Keys of one incident. The usually perfectly sensible anchor was surely speaking somewhat ironically given that the whole premise of this ridiculous and unnecessary hour long build-up to the Monday Night match relies on pointless and malfunctioning technology. This week, the “boys downstairs” ran a Stoke non-goal through a computer that magically removed all the other players on the pitch clearly showing that the ball was over the line. “He [referee Chris Foy] will know in his heart of hearts that he should have got that right,” opined Gray of the incident lasting less than a second, having had the opportunity to look at it several million times from several million angles.

Elsewhere, the problem of penalties was thoroughly addressed. “Is the balance of power shifting towards keepers?” asked Keys, “Why?” snapped Gray. Err, because more are being saved than ever before. “Here we have a left footed goalkeeper,” puzzled Keys, “who chooses to dive to the left. Anything in that theory?” Five minutes, probably 30 researcher hours, several thousand pounds and a tired audience later, it was concluded that keepers may or may not be advantaged at the moment and amazingly there may just be something in Keynes’ theory. “So what I’m saying is,” said Gray in a light bulb moment, “if a keeper goes the right way, he has a chance of saving it.” Right, well that’s money well spent then. Afterwards, as if desperate to justify his £25,000 per week price tag, Gray revealed that he had “been thinking about penalties for a couple of weeks.” Uh oh! Sounds dangerous. Indeed it was: “I’m right handed, Richard, so I would go to my right….I’ve been talking to the lads in the office all day….and it’s noticeable that the keepers who are right handed went big right.” Ok fine, but what about Ben Foster? He’s left footed isn’t he? And yet he went right. “Yes, but is he right handed? I was left footed and right handed.” Phew.

Here comes the tenuous link! Wouldn’t it be great if the BBC invested in the same technology for their athletics coverage? Steve Cram and Brendan Foster could thrash out the complexities of the Bekele kick on a virtual track, Jonathon Edwards could thoroughly examine Philips Idowu’s take off having removed everything except his spike. Colin Jackson could play with the heights of the hurdles to debate whether if they were an inch taller, David Oliver would be as proficient. The possibilities are endless. Surely even Phil Jones could use it; a crowd-o-metre could measure “supporter impact” and then comparisons could be drawn with other crowds around the world. Inverdale could be seen hovering above the stadium, conducting things in his Godfather-like way, whilst Denise Lewis could….well, there are always going to be some flaws.

It surely won’t be long before grumblings emerge about the lack of technology in the Beeb’s coverage. The very least they should get is one of the snazzy new iPads that Keys has replaced his clip-board with, even if it was deemed “a bit heavy” last week. Watch this space.

‘STUPID’ KENYANS FRUSTRATE BADDELEY

Andy Baddeley has blamed “inane conversations with stupid athletes” for his less than impressive form this season. In a revealing interview with the Lufbra Echo, the British number one bemoaned the intelligence of the average Kenyan. “Let’s face it,” said the Cambridge graduate, “[the Kenyans] aren’t on the same level as me. They’re dull and I can’t stand making small talk with anybody- least of all them.” Baddeley, who claims to be in the shape of his life athletically, has not troubled his personal records since 2008 but has refused to let this get to him. “With 150m to go at the European Championships I was certain I would win the Gold Medal,” said the Harrow man, “but then I realised that my IQ was higher than the rest of the field put together and it put me right off.” Baddeley also said that his campaign for all athletes to be degree educated was not going as well as he might have hoped. “It’s for everyone’s benefit,” thundered the one time 3:49 miler, “I just can’t stand sitting in call rooms with a procession of dumb ass Kenyans staring blankly into space or at their managers. I tried to strike up a conversation with Asbel Kiprop about the complexities of particle physics and he didn’t know what I was talking about.”

Baddeley, who says that his part time lecturing at St. Mary’s is charity work for the “intellectually challenged”, has been forced to mount a rigorous defence of his racing tactics this season. Steve Cram and Brendan Foster both felt that he overestimated his ability to kick away from his rivals in the European Championships. “What an earth do they [Cram and Foster] know about how to run a race? I really do get tired of simpletons telling me what to do,” said the fifth placer, “I executed my races perfectly; it was just my realisation of how intelligent I am comparatively wrought havoc with my psychophysiology.” Many have also questioned Baddeley’s decision to stick with New Balance as his sponsor despite lucrative approaches from Nike and Adidas: “This is because New Balance understand my intellectual quality,” he explained whilst showing off his Graduation certificates from Cambridge, “Nike is for idiots who can’t handle more complex logos.”

ATHLETICOS ‘BETTER THAN FLOTRACK’: OBAMA

Barrack Obama has launched an extraordinary attack on American Track and Field website Flotrack this lunchtime. The Commander-in-Chief lambasted the site’s head honchos for “letting their guard slip” and “unquestionably losing their place at the top table of Track and Field related websites.” The President spoke of an “unqualified tragedy” but heaped praise on the new British version of the site. “Athleticos is everything that Flotrack wants to be and more,” said Mr. Obama, “it encapsulates all that is great about our special friends in Great Britain. Athleticos is a truly great site for a truly great nation.” Flotrack insiders have revealed how website chiefs have been left seething by the snub: “it’s been very tense around here [at Flotrack HQ] the past few days,” said a site technician, “we knew that the President was going to say something about us, but had no idea that it would be so harsh.” Obama has refused to retract the comments or apologise for the upset that they have caused. His press secretary said that the President was "ashamed" of Flotrack's fall from grace. "He looks back to the glory days of a couple of years ago and wishes it could be the same," said the communications chief, "it is a sad day for American sport generally."

Obama was speaking to the Wall Street Journal just days after he refused an interview with Flotrack and whilst many will argue that the Democrat is just carrying out a politically motivated vendetta (Flotrack’s founder is a prominent Republican), few can argue that this is another fantastic coup for the British Athleticos. From humble beginnings in a Loughborough shed, the site has proved in recent weeks that it is ready to take on the world by securing exclusives with the likes of Chris Thompson and Lisa Dobriskey. “To be honest,” said a website source, “we don’t have to go looking for the interviews anymore. We find that the athletes’ agents all want to get on our site. It’s going great”. Athleticos has had a presence at every major European meeting this summer and has been rumoured to of snubbed approaches from the likes of Steve Cram and Brendan Foster. Our source went on: “we are presenting something new and fresh. Whilst it is nice that they want to work for us, I only think that it would alienate our core demographic.” There is no question that the site has been an unqualified success and the company's shares on the FTSE 100 rose to record highs just minutes after Obama’s interview was published.

Alas, the same cannot be said for the American counterpart, which was branded “tired” by American Marathoner Ryan Hall just last week. Viewing figures have reached an all-time low and it is rumoured that the site is in desperate talks with Athleticos in a bid to form some kind of alliance. “It is the only way Flotrack can survive” said a Wall Street analyst, “their stocks have taken such a beating in recent weeks, it is hard to see them being afloat without this merger past Christmas.” In an Emergency meeting of the site’s board last week, the Chief Executive was stripped of his $250,000 bonus and told that if things did not improve he could be out of a job by October. “Job losses seem inevitable,” said the site’s Human Resources Director, “the trick will be to do it sensitively. We have to realise that there are other players out there now and if we can’t beat them, we might just have to join them.”

Obviously, this is fantastic news for the Lufbra Echo as it was us that first brought the world’s attention to Athleticos via our side panel advert. We are delighted for Athleticos, but are particularly delighted for ourselves. Well done us!

UK CHAMPIONSHIPS NEWS

All the major talking points from the weekend.......

MOSES CALLS FOR HAWK EYE INTRODUCTION


FURY: Wayne Rooney shares the news

Lewis Moses has said that he felt “absolutely robbed” of a legitimate place in the 1500m final after being denied on a photo-finish. As it was, the Loughborough based star was forced to pace the final and dropped out after 900m. Speaking after the final, Moses’ frustration was clear. “I could see that I got in,” said the 3:42 man, “everyone in the ground could see that I got in, so why didn’t the officials? It’s very poor.” Calling on the IAAF to “act now”, Moses slammed the “historic” arrangements currently on offer at the finish line. “It seems that we are always talking about this and it is ruining the sport,” Moses told the BBC, “how many more high profile foul ups will it take before someone gets the technology right? Tennis have had Hawk-Eye for years and so should we.” The Prime Minister watched the Championships from the G20 Summit in Canada and added weight to the calls for video technology. David Cameron said: "I'm a keen follower of cricket and tennis and I think the third umpire has been a great thing and the machines that bleep at Wimbledon are quite handy too. Maybe that's something that [athletics] could now have a look at."

ANGER AT FOSTER SNUB

The BBC have revealed that they have been “inundated” with complaints regarding their coverage of the UK Championships this weekend. Angry viewers have complained that the commentary was “far too positive” in the absence of Brendan Foster. It seems that many football fans switched over from England’s humiliation at the hands of Germany hoping to find that athletics was in a far worse state that the national game. “As it was, [Steve Cram] just kept dwelling on the positives,” thundered one disappointed female viewer, “where were the gibes at the demise of distance running? By the time the women’s 800m final was on, I switched off because the positivity was all too much.” The BBC have apologised for the positive slant and have said that they would “do all they can” to ensure that future broadcasts will look at how far athletics has gone backwards in future.

Bad news came for Jonathan Edwards who found himself sidelined after Saturday’s “abysmal” anchoring performance. It now seems very unlikely that the former Olympic Champion will be allowed to perform such a role again as rumours are rife that Denise Lewis and Colin Jackson refused to work with him on the Sunday. A BBC insider said, “he kept talking about himself, even when he was interviewing a distance runner.....and he insisted on carrying a clipboard even though it was clear to everyone that there was nothing on the bloody thing!” The criticism will be particularly hard to take for Edwards, as he ditched his trendy earring (seen briefly at the Beeb’s coverage of the Great North Run last year) in order to take on the more serious role. John Inverdale had to be hurriedly dispatched from Wimbledon in order to “clean up the mess” that Edwards had left. The broadcasting legend was none too pleased at having his Sunday afternoon ruined by the former triple-jumper’s incompetence and pledged to have “firm words” as soon as he catches up with him.

RUSSELL FAILS IN 5K BID


HEARTBREAK: Russell's loyal following declared themselves "proud" of their man

SPIKE ‘DID ALL HE COULD’ TO IMPRESS SELECTORS

UK Athletics mascot, Spike, has said that he “made the best of a bad situation” in an attempt to make the team for Barcelona. The mascot, who has been dogged my injuries all season said that he still hoped he would be able to achieve the ‘B’ standard at the Gateshead Grand Prix in a couple of weeks. “This is my first competitive outing this season,” said the red-skinned star, “I got banned from all BMC meetings and so it is hard to find form. I remain positive and thank all those who stood by me.” Spike was referring to his nationwide ban from all British Milers Club events after he was involved in an infamous bust up with Berlino the Bear (of World Championships fame) last year. UKA courted heavy criticism for standing by their mascot despite the fact that he was clearly seen to strike the blue-skinned bear in the face. It is rumoured that Berlino made “disparaging remarks” about Spike’s lineage (he is a cousin of the Manchester United mascot Fred the Red) and professed himself to be a Liverpool fan. The pair had to be separated by police and their conduct is still the subject of an independent investigation. The Chief Executive of the BMC said that he was left with “no choice” but to issue Spike with a lifetime ban as he had “clearly brought the sport into disrepute.”

THE PAULA RADCLIFFE INTERVIEW

The Lufbra Echo secured a precious few minutes with one of the greatest female athletes of all time. We find out what really makes her tick, secrets that she has never revealed and what she plans to do in the future. Plus- Athens: what really happened?

It’s 8:30am on a Sunday morning and I am knackered. For three hours and thirty two minutes, I have been chasing Paula Radcliffe’s brand spanking new Nike ‘UltraSwoosh, Special Edition Mark 323.43’ running shoes and to no avail- in that time, she has put over a minute into me. “Come on, you lightweight!” thunders her cheerless husband, Gary Lough, “Paula’s got another three runs to do today and you are holding her up!” I amble up to the front door of their Leicestershire mansion, where the couple are currently spending eight of their limited 92 days per year in the country. This is of course owing to the fact that they like Monte Carlo and hate the intrusion of the press. Nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that they save a wad of cash in tax revenue, you understand. Paula, now pregnant again, is stretching out her legs and I notice a tear rolling down her precious cheek. When I enquire what the matter is, she informs me that she was some eight seconds down on what she should have been for that run and Gary had shouted at her. “I’m not even tired,” affirms Radcliffe, “I wasn’t even trying hard. I just ran slower.”

We head inside, where I make the mistake of asking for a black coffee. “We have green coffee,” snaps Lough, “none of that horrid stuff.” Paula then explains: “Green Coffee has special immune properties that builds up your body’s ability to fight off infection and carry oxygen around in the blood.” Does it taste nice? “Oh yes- it is delicious. People who are interested should log on to the Green Coffee website for more information,” enthuses Radcliffe, with a knowing look in the direction of her husband. I decide to opt instead for water, but am then offered the choice between “oxygenised” or “non-oxygenised”. Confused, I go thirsty.

“You’ll have to excuse me while I work out on the cross trainer while we speak,” says Radcliffe as we head into a de-oxygenised chamber, “I am lacking aerobic fitness, you see.” The World Record holder over the marathon then glances at her Nike watch and breaks down in tears again. When pushed, she revealed that she was some three hundredths of a seconds slower moving from the morning kitchen to this room than she was last week. “It’s like everything is falling apart again,” she sobbed, “I work so hard to maintain this schedule.” After wiping her tears on a special Nike tissue (specifically designed to help you cry to the best of your ability), Radcliffe confidently marches towards the chamber- determined to make up time.

In the ominously entitled “work chamber”, Radcliffe then hooks herself up to various contraptions, including a specially designed Nike BabyMonitor+, built with your child’s future in mind. “It’s just great,” smiles the now content 2:15 marathoner, “it passes some of my ability on to my unborn child.” When pushed further, Radcliffe reveals that she was disappointed with her performance when giving birth to her first child. “I heard that Deena Kastor was much quicker. I need to work on my weaknesses and hopefully surprise a few people this time.” Radcliffe then took her special Nike Zoom Asthma Inhaler +++, which delivers the (completely legal) drugs to her lungs faster. “This is a lifesaver,” she says, “so important for someone who suffers with it [Asthma] like me.”

As she begins her workout (second of six scheduled for the day), I turn to the difficult topic of the Athens Olympics. “Oh, I did that deliberately,” blurts out Radcliffe, “you see, the British public hate winners and my Nike contract was up for renewal. Everyone likes a few tears at the side of the road. You’d be amazed how many people brought my book- which is still available- on the back of that!” Dumbfounded, I pushed further- what about Beijing? “I wasn’t as fit as Mara [Yamauchi, who finished 6th] and couldn’t bear the thought of not being the first Brit and so I made up this cramp problem. Worked a treat! The Daily Telegraph said I was ‘very brave’ and Nike gave me a 10% raise.” What does she plan to do in the years to come? “Probably drop out of a few more races and possibly try and win 2012. I’m a bit worried, in truth, as if you want to make the big bucks after you have retired, you really need an Olympic medal.” How did she enjoy commentating on the London Marathon? “I had to sit in a booth with that awful Geordie pair [Steve Cram and Brendan Foster] and so what do you think?” harrumphed the Bedford and County star, “they kept saying, ‘when I won my Olympic medal’ and followed it with a dull story. I made Cram’s career with my teary performance after dropping out of Athens and he is just ungrateful.” Radcliffe was referring to the interview she “would only give” to the former Olympic 1500m silver medalist after the marathon disaster.

As I left Radcliffe’s house, Nike Farm, she was heading out for her next run. Would I like to stay for lunch? Gary was preparing roast tadpole, which is very high in protein apparently. I decided to take my chances at McDonald's and so made my excuses.

PORTUGAL LATEST......

SULLIVAN FURY AT ‘WEAK’ OFFICIATING

Matt Sullivan has hit out at what he called “the most ridiculous refereeing performance of all time” after losing in a dramatic press-up competition late last night. The contest came at the end of another ill-tempered encounter between various top LSAC stars and their Preston AC counterparts. The night of challenges was always set to be close and given the fierce rivalry between these two clubs had the potential to get out of hand. One observer slammed the whole set-up stating that the ‘questions round’ was “ambiguous at best”. The source continued, “everything looked as if it was very last minute. When the stakes are as high as this it’s just not on.” Sullivan was upset when he was beaten by his LSAC colleague, Seb Foy by 77 press ups to 66. “The fact is that I have a lot more to carry than him,” fumed the 3:55 man, “how can a dwarf take part in this? They should have their own events or at least be made to carry extra weight.” The Shaftsbury Barnet star did concede that he was “below par” on the day but maintained that had the scoring been ordered correctly it would have been enough to win. “Foy was barely bending his arms. I don’t want to go on about it, but it is true. I feel let down by the officials today- the fact is that the contest was just too big for them.”

The evening ended with Preston and LSAC chiefs having to call for calm when Peter Street and Tom Gayle squared up to each other over a “drink spill”. Gayle was fuming when Street accidently knocked his Orange Fanta on to the floor drenching his designer flip-flops. The 3:48 man then attacked the Preston athlete with said flip-flop demanding a replacement drink. Alasdair Donaldson leapt to the defence of Gayle and it was only after David Howe intervened that the situation was pacified. The tension around Vilamoura has certainly reached an all time high as this is the latest in a long line of spats between the two camps. After Sunday’s sun-bed debacle (which resulted in a Preston coach being pushed into the pool) and Loughborough’s humiliation at beach rounders, many will be relieved when Preston head home on Thursday.

DAVID HOWE: A CLARIFICATION

In Sunday’s article, the Lufbra Echo alleged that Dr. David Howe spiked his athlete’s drink with a double shot of vodka in a bid to help his charge “relax”. This was not the case and it was in fact a single shot of the spirit. We think you will agree this changes the situation a good deal and we are happy to set the record straight.

FOSTER ‘SURPRISES HIMSELF’ WITH COACHING BRILLIANCE

In a revealing interview with the Lufbra Echo, LSAC Women’s Coach Bill Foster has revealed that he can’t quite believe how well he has taken to coaching. “I sometimes catch myself giving advice” said the World Masters 3,000m Champion, “and think ‘wow- that is just incredible’....I am not sure how I do it- I guess I am a natural.” When asked what he felt his greatest achievement was, the coach said that there were “just too many to count.” “The thing is,” he went on, “I never seem to fail. My programme would work for anyone.” On his personal regrets he said, “there are a lot that other coaches could learn from me, but they don’t ask. George [Gandy] could come to me and say, ‘Bill- you are best of the best, how do I do it?’ But he doesn’t and that frustrates me.”

Foster went on to hint at a potential big money move away from Loughborough in the near future. “I have heard that St. Mary’s are unhappy with Mick [Woods], but they haven’t come to me yet. I am not ruling anything out. Who knows what the future holds?” This revelation comes just months after Foster rebuffed a move from Durham University to take over the entire set-up in the North East. “There was a lot of money on offer,” explained the Yorkshire man, “but there was also a lot of pressure. A rich owner often wants things done his way and I don’t work like that. It’s my way or nothing.”

GANDY BLAMES 'VOODOO SPELL' FOR LOUGHBOROUGH SLUMP

With his university experiencing one of the worst periods in its illustrious history, Loughborough’s self-proclaimed “guru” has launched an extraordinary attack on the HiPac’s newly resurfaced track. “I saw the builders hovering down the back straight. I thought nothing of it at the time, but it is now clear that they were casting a spell on us. I am pretty certain they buried St. Mary’s and Birmingham vest down there.” Gandy admitted that he was at a loss how else to explain why established names like Frank Baddick are performing so poorly. “That’s why I have come up with this explanation,” explained Gandy, “it’s the only one there can be.”

“You look at the likes of Kev [Deighton]- injured all the time. That’s not just bad luck, there is clearly something really awful going on here,” Gandy went on. “I mean, Stephen Emery is one our best runners now, no one and I mean no one could have seen that coming and in the 1980s he would have been a joke. To be honest, it’s all a bit much.” The Director of Athletics refused to rule out digging the whole track up in a quest to retrieve the troublesome vests. “I discussed it with Ian [Anholm, Facilities manager] and he fainted with the thought of extra work. But Nutall seemed up for it and I’ve already met with Bill Foster [LSAC Women’s coach] to ask him to do the heavy lifting.”

Foster’s group, known as ‘Bill’s Babes’ seem to have mysteriously escaped the spell and Gandy described this as “no co-incidence”. With an icy stare, he went on, “Bill has it in for me, I am sorry to say. He denies it but I know that he and Bud [Buldaro, Head Coach at Birmingham] and Mick [Woods, of St. Mary’s fame] are in league with each other". However, Gandy has dismissed as “nonsense” the accusation that he was trying to poach Natalie Gray, Abbey McGee and Kirsty Milner. “I want to be quite clear on this, I’m the victim here. Bill and I haven’t had a cross word with each other since he tried to beat me up in Bedford last year and that smashed windscreen [on Foster’s car] was absolutely nothing to do with me or John [Nutall].”

Gandy also labeled David Howe’s attempt at a coup “really rather pathetic.” Howe is thought to be unhappy at the arrival of Alisdair Donaldson, the latest coach brought into the club. “We are all one big happy family here," said Gandy, "and if David has an issue with that he can take his underachieving athletes elsewhere. He’d never have the balls to do that anyway.” The guru has conceded that he now regrets emailing Howe telling him to “go f**k himself.” The email went on, “everyone knows that I (and now to a certain extent John) am the special one. I am THE guy at Loughborough, who the f**k are you? A nobody.” The ‘special one’ today said that the email was sent after a “heavy” night and that he retracted “most” of what it contained. “David’s a nice enough guy I suppose and so he gets to stay.”