VERNON SHELVES DANCING DREAM

Andy Vernon has "all but given up" on his dream of becoming a ballerina, the lufbra echo can exclusively reveal. The Aldershot man has long coveted a place at the prestigious Royal Ballet School in London, but had now conceded that he is "probably too old" to warrant a place. In a revealing interview with the echo, the GB International revealed how running was a "last resort" after all other endeavours failed.

"Let's face it" sighed Vernon "it's no life. No one wants to run all day every day, but unfortunately I am very good at it. I just wish I could be free to express myself in dance." The Nick Anderson coached athlete came late to ballet having been inspired by the hit movie Billie Elliot. Since then, he has become a regular at London showings and is constantly seen dragging his girlfriend to lengthy shows. "It fills me with such excitement" said Vernon "the Nutcracker is my favourite. The moves are so complex!"

Vernon - who is regularly joined on his ballet escapades by close friend Ryan McLeod - conceded that the thought of "just" being an athlete "repulses" him. "The thought of the Olympics makes me feel sick" thundered the stern faced 13:28 5k man "what are they doing for the ballet dancers of the future? It makes a mockery of everything".

Vernon is not the only high profile athlete with a taste for culture. Sprint ace Craig Pickering is a regular at the Royal Albert Hall during the BBC Proms season and Nick McCormick is known to be a fully paid up member of the Royal London Opera. 

OLYMPIC ROUND UP

VERNON 'MISTAKE' BREAKS 2012 CLOCK

STOPPAGE TIME: Vernon 'did not know' the clock required constant power

Andy Vernon has apologised after mistakenly pulling the plug on the 'Countdown to 2012' clock in Central London. The Aldershot man told his official website that he had "had a nightmare" when looking for somewhere to charge the battery on his mobile phone. Organisers have called the blunder "hugely embarrassing" and have not ruled out handing Vernon a hefty bill. 

TICKETS 'SHOULDN'T BE SOLD TO POOR PEOPLE': COE

Lord Coe looks set to cause a stir after claiming that tickets for blue-ribboned events should only be sold to "the most well off" and "uneducated tramps" should not be allowed in. "The Games is not for everyone" said his Lordship "it would be dreadful to have commoners wandering around in the background of the 100m". It is understood that LOCOG will be banning the wearing of hoodies, low hanging jeans and anything made by Burberry in a bid to discourage "hoipolloi" from coming near.

ENNIS GETS COLD, BBC IN CRISIS

The BBC are preparing for what senior executives have called "the worst case scenario" after Jessica Ennis caught a cold sidelining the World Heptathlon Champion for "at least a day". "An Olympics without Jess would not be an Olympics at all" said the BBC's Director of Ennis Output (Southern Region) "worse still, if she turns up and then doesn't win - hours of pre-prepared footage will be wasted". A Beeb insider told the echo that the Corporation had rushed a "dedicated medic" to be at Ennis' side and denied that they were overreacting.

OLYMPICS 'COST A FORTUNE' SHOCK

The British sporting world is reeling from the news that the Olympic Games actually cost a lot of money. Furious protestors have taken to the streets of the East End to demand that the "wasteful" projects are halted immediately and a 24 hour Asda is built in place of the Olympic Stadium. It is understood that the Games Cleaning Directorate (fresh from the Commonwealth Games cleaning project) are about to walk out in sympathy. "I am shocked at how much this is all costing" said a senior executive at Lloyds Banking Group "I really do wonder how Lord Coe and his team sleep at night" 

ANDY ATTACKS STEVE IN THE BATTLE OF THE VERNONS

Steve Vernon "isn't even the best Vernon in the country let alone the best runner" according to his namesake, Andy. The astonishing attack from the Aldershot man comes after Steve romped home to comfortably win the National Cross in unprecedented Alton Towers conditions at the weekend. "Steve text me after his win" said a stern faced Andy from a charity event "he said that I would never have got round the course and that I was mentally weak not to show up. That's completely out of order. The only reason I didn't run was because I got caught in the queue for Nemesis".

The tension between the pair has been bubbling under the surface ever since Andy attempted to sue Steve for "copyright infringement on [his] name" early last year. A High Court judge threw out the case - pointing to the fact that the Stockport man was in fact older than Andy. However, this has not stopped Andy from appealing the "very unfair" ruling, nor the bad blood from running deep. The St Mary's based athlete was eager to voice his fury at the "gallivanting" of "arrogant Steve", adding that he "couldn't wait" to "tear him apart" at the Inter Counties next month. "Did you see him celebrate?" thundered Vernon "who does he think he is? He was acting like it was like it was a forgone conclusion - beyond the pale if you ask me."

Almost as shocking as the attack on his rival was the concession from Andy that he "had fully intended" to race on Saturday. "It was a real shame," he explained "I had done Oblivion and Air, but had been in the line for Nemesis for over an hour. If I had given up my place, it would have meant starting again after the race. I wasn't prepared to do that". Steve Vernon has called Andy's comments "remarkable" and said that it demonstrated "a lack of professionalism". "We all wanted to play on the rides" said the newly crowned National Champion "I tore myself away from the teacups in order to do my warm up. You've got to know when to draw the line".

Steve would not be drawn on whether he thought that Andy could have beaten him on the day, but did concede that the course favoured him. "I know that Mike [Skinner, who came second] is a bit of a wimp and so probably didn't like the downhills" said the mud lover "he wouldn't even go on the banana boat before hand and I think that says it all".

ENGLAND ATHLETICS APOLOGISE FOR 'SOMME-LIKE' NATIONAL

MUD BATH: Steve Vernon celebrates his win

England Athletics have conceded that they "got it wrong" in allowing the National Cross Country Championships to take place on a course "more suitable for a war than a race". The governing body have today been inundated with complaints from furious athletes about the mess of their kit and the resulting damage to washing machines across the country.

"Cross Country should not be run in these sort of conditions" said a red faced EA spokesman "we appreciate now that to have any mud on the course to totally unacceptable and we will be doing our best to rectify it in future years". 2012's event at Parliament Hill is already under threat as organisers face increasing calls for it "to be held indoors" from now on. "Any event at Parliament Hill is likely to involve mud" continued the spokesman "and so it might be best to steer away from that. We are ruling nothing out - it could even be run on road".

Yesterday's race - won by Steve Vernon - had the highest drop out rate in history and officials had deal with a stream of furious team managers pointing out "severe mud damage" to club tents. Some athletes have still yet to finish their race. England Athletics insiders have today estimated the cost of the clean up operation to be "close to £35m". "The whole field is going to have to be dug up and relaid" said our source "and [EA] will have to pay for thousands of cars to be fully valeted". The association have set up a 24 hour hotline to deal with the "unprecedented call volume" following the event and have encouraged relatives concerned about competitors to contact them urgently.

James Wilkinson who slumped to a disappointing 21st place blasted race organisers calling the whole day "a fiasco". "How can any half decent runner be expected to run in that?" thundered Wilkinson from his post race press conference "I am going to need psychological help to get over this. I am absolutely traumatised".

TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY: THE BIG DEALS

The Echo rounds up all the major comings and goings after a frantic end to the January transfer window.


Stephen Emery is staying put at Loughborough despite a £40m bid from Birmingham and reported interest from St Mary's. The engineer has pledged the next 18 months to the African Violets by signing a lucrative contract extension.

Ryan McLeod will not leave Tipton after all. It had been thought that the 7:52 3k man was about to walk out on the Midlands club in a row about iPhone usage.

Linford Christie is to come out of retirement and has signed for Windsor, Slough, Eton and Hounslow. The former Olympic Champion said that he was "hugely excited" at the prospect of helping Windsor back into the Premiership. The club were unsuccessful in convincing Sally Gunnell into a similar comeback.

Newham and Essex Beagles have been fined £750,000 and banned from taking part in the summer transfer window after illegally approaching "the vast majority" of the the GB European Cross Team. They also had a £75m bid for Mo Farah rejected after they realised that they had already signed him.

Mark Lewis-Francis is a free agent after storming out of Birchfield Harriers. The European Silver Medallist was heard to say that "Mark Lewis-Francis most definitely will be running for a bigger club than this next summer". As such his £2m contract was terminated but regrettably for the sprinter no one agreed to take him.

Sale Harriers Manchester sacked their entire squad earlier this month as the new owners decided that they "could do better". However, the club were forced into an embarrassing retreat when nobody returned their emails - not even MLF - and so have re-signed the majority of the team on vastly inflated contracts.

Dave Norman caused outrage at Altrincham after handing in a written transfer request. The 5k star has now signed a 3 year contract extension after failing to agree personal terms with £25m suitors, Southend AC.

Kenenisa Bekele will have to wait to have his move to Aldershot, Farnham and District confirmed. The Ethiopian will undergo a medical later today, but the deal has been put in doubt after Mick Woods offended the athlete's entire entourage. However, AFD will be celebrating after managing to persuade Andy Vernon to sign a four year contract extension rather than opting for a big money move to Bedford & County - who were rumoured to be ready to pay the star over £200,000 a week.

Despite reports in the Echo earlier this month that they were ready to spend big, Southend have not been successful in making a single signing. It is understood that the majority of deals fell through when would-be athletes "visited Southend". 

THE GURU'S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE - 2010

People of Loughborough, UKA and beyond,

I write to you from my Guru retreat far from the constant gaze of media attention and the miserable snow that has ground the British people down. Rest assured that the sun is peaking over the horizon as I sip from my Guru cocktail supplied to me by my Guru aides, all the time watched over by my Guru security team.

2010 has been a difficult year for us all. We have had the horrors of debt at LSAC to deal with, the nightmare of the kit scandal and above all, the hiring of a new tea boy - Alasdair Donaldson (who doesn't have time to read that fantastic Lufbra Echo) . I realise now what a dreadful mistake that was - but you have to understand that he made a very good case for himself when I interviewed him and spoke glowingly about his time at school. Alas, his tea is too weak and his emails require constant correction. The whistle at sessions (rather than my grandly shouts) was the final straw for me and Alasdair and I are set for "crisis talks" if you will, early in the New Year.

Many people have asked me about why I took the executive (and extraordinary) decision to scrap the LSAC Grass Session this year. Indeed, I have a letter right here in front of me from Joanna Lumley (she of Gurkha fame) demanding to know why "the little people" of the grass have been treated "so very badly". Well the truth is that I worked out that getting rid of the grass session was the best possible way of annoying David Howe and so went ahead with it. I must say the results have been very pleasing indeed!

To close off LSAC affairs, I turn my attention to Director Dakin who has continued in his capacity as Director of Coaching. There has been some debate over whether Director Dakin is my superior or not. This is a ridiculous and futile discussion. How can a mere 'coach' outrank a Guru? Just because Director Dakin has a big plush office that is separate from the rest of the team, you all think that he is the number one around here. Nonsense. I chose to be in the open plan area because I am confident in my position. I do not need that status of a personal office to make me feel adequate. It is a great shame that Director Dakin is so petulant about this and we are all getting sick of his hissy fits and door slamming pantomimes. The truth is that he is jealous of my Guru status, but it was not me who failed his Fellowship of the Royal College of Gurus entrance exams now was it? I aced mine years ago and he simply lacks the experience. In all honesty, he shouldn't really be a director at all and we only gave him that to stop his whining all the time. 

On the UK Athletics front, we have seen unprecedented success this year. I have just had the pleasure of spending some time with successful contestants in the "Race to Portugal" competition that was UKA's initiative to select the team for the European Cross Country Championships. It was such a shame that I had to push Andy Vernon and James Wilkinson off the cliff because the disappointed me so. Only joking! That would be a direct breach of the Guru Handbook, Section 22, Paragraph 6: "Never, under any circumstances, intentionally push, throw or in any way encourage an athlete - underachiever or otherwise - to fall from a cliff". 

In all seriousness, it has been quite a year. So good to see that Chirs Thompson and Mo Farah have made up after that pathetic spat over Mo stealing from Chris. It was a real shame that Chris had to bring that up in the middle of a live BBC interview with Godfather Inverdale, but I am afraid that it only demonstrative of 'Thommo's' lack of class. Of course, I have been single handedly responsible for the turn around in Distance Running success this year and so I think we should all collectively (and metaphorically) pat me on the back: WELL DONE MR GURU, SIR! I can't wait to watch the World Championships in Berlin again (Seoul will probably be called off because I am about to declare war on South Korea on behalf of my Northern comrades), but I will be personally ensuring that Alasdair tears up that horrid blue track. 

Here's to yet more success in 2011, and to hoping that I finally get Charles Van Commenee's job that I richly deserve!

Warmest Regards to you all (you certainly need them!)

NJoy!

Guru George Gandy FRCG