POKING SCANDAL LEAVES HOWE ON BRINK

David Howe and Alasdair Donaldson's relationship is "beyond economical repair" after Donaldson failed to return the Canadian's Facebook 'poke'. Loughborough's assistant coach is understood to have used the feature over the weekend in a bid to show that there were no hard feelings towards George Gandy's PA after the pair clashed at the Ed Prickett Relays. Onlookers were shocked as they had to be separated in a row over Donaldson's cap.

"David is absolutely gutted" said a source close to the academic "he really thought he had a kindred spirit in Alasdair and that together they could take the reigns when Mr Gandy stands down. He is seriously thinking about moving on now." It is not the first time that Donaldson has found himself in hot water over Facebook usage. The tea and coffee man was fined and firmly reprimanded by UKA last year when he deleted Charles Van Commonee and just last week the Daily Mail published an interview with an enraged Dani Christmas claiming she was "ignored" on the site's chat facility.

It is thought that Gandy will look to host "clear the air" talks tomorrow, but with both parties refusing to confirm their attendance a resolution is looking increasingly unlikely. Insiders have told of how the guru is becoming "extremely frustrated with the "pathetic squabbles" between his deputies. Earlier this year, he was forced to publicly revoke John Nutall's parking privileges after he was deemed to of "maliciously" parked in the space reserved for Bill Foster. This latest dispute "could be the straw that breaks the camel's back" according to insiders and "may lead to an embarrassing dismissal" before the week is out.

THE GURU'S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE - 2010

People of Loughborough, UKA and beyond,

I write to you from my Guru retreat far from the constant gaze of media attention and the miserable snow that has ground the British people down. Rest assured that the sun is peaking over the horizon as I sip from my Guru cocktail supplied to me by my Guru aides, all the time watched over by my Guru security team.

2010 has been a difficult year for us all. We have had the horrors of debt at LSAC to deal with, the nightmare of the kit scandal and above all, the hiring of a new tea boy - Alasdair Donaldson (who doesn't have time to read that fantastic Lufbra Echo) . I realise now what a dreadful mistake that was - but you have to understand that he made a very good case for himself when I interviewed him and spoke glowingly about his time at school. Alas, his tea is too weak and his emails require constant correction. The whistle at sessions (rather than my grandly shouts) was the final straw for me and Alasdair and I are set for "crisis talks" if you will, early in the New Year.

Many people have asked me about why I took the executive (and extraordinary) decision to scrap the LSAC Grass Session this year. Indeed, I have a letter right here in front of me from Joanna Lumley (she of Gurkha fame) demanding to know why "the little people" of the grass have been treated "so very badly". Well the truth is that I worked out that getting rid of the grass session was the best possible way of annoying David Howe and so went ahead with it. I must say the results have been very pleasing indeed!

To close off LSAC affairs, I turn my attention to Director Dakin who has continued in his capacity as Director of Coaching. There has been some debate over whether Director Dakin is my superior or not. This is a ridiculous and futile discussion. How can a mere 'coach' outrank a Guru? Just because Director Dakin has a big plush office that is separate from the rest of the team, you all think that he is the number one around here. Nonsense. I chose to be in the open plan area because I am confident in my position. I do not need that status of a personal office to make me feel adequate. It is a great shame that Director Dakin is so petulant about this and we are all getting sick of his hissy fits and door slamming pantomimes. The truth is that he is jealous of my Guru status, but it was not me who failed his Fellowship of the Royal College of Gurus entrance exams now was it? I aced mine years ago and he simply lacks the experience. In all honesty, he shouldn't really be a director at all and we only gave him that to stop his whining all the time. 

On the UK Athletics front, we have seen unprecedented success this year. I have just had the pleasure of spending some time with successful contestants in the "Race to Portugal" competition that was UKA's initiative to select the team for the European Cross Country Championships. It was such a shame that I had to push Andy Vernon and James Wilkinson off the cliff because the disappointed me so. Only joking! That would be a direct breach of the Guru Handbook, Section 22, Paragraph 6: "Never, under any circumstances, intentionally push, throw or in any way encourage an athlete - underachiever or otherwise - to fall from a cliff". 

In all seriousness, it has been quite a year. So good to see that Chirs Thompson and Mo Farah have made up after that pathetic spat over Mo stealing from Chris. It was a real shame that Chris had to bring that up in the middle of a live BBC interview with Godfather Inverdale, but I am afraid that it only demonstrative of 'Thommo's' lack of class. Of course, I have been single handedly responsible for the turn around in Distance Running success this year and so I think we should all collectively (and metaphorically) pat me on the back: WELL DONE MR GURU, SIR! I can't wait to watch the World Championships in Berlin again (Seoul will probably be called off because I am about to declare war on South Korea on behalf of my Northern comrades), but I will be personally ensuring that Alasdair tears up that horrid blue track. 

Here's to yet more success in 2011, and to hoping that I finally get Charles Van Commenee's job that I richly deserve!

Warmest Regards to you all (you certainly need them!)

NJoy!

Guru George Gandy FRCG 

CHRISTMAS 'LIKELY TO BE CANCELLED': SANTA CLAUSE

Lapland have confirmed that they are "seriously considering" cancelling Christmas in the UK, the Lufbra Echo can reveal. It is understood that a "growing concern" over treacherous snow and ice has forced Santa to question whether it is will be possible to make his rounds this year. Last year, the 134 year-old was treated for minor abrasions after losing control of his sleigh at over 1,000,000,000 miles per hour and it is understood that he does not want to take the same "insane risk" again this year. "It is with great regret that we must announce that Christmas could be delayed to the new year" said a red faced elf "we are looking into organising something in June when the weather is more conducive to delivering gifts on a mass scale."

The move has been heavily criticised by many, with some calling for the immediate resignation of Father Christmas. "It is absolutely outrageous" thundered a spokesperson for the Easter Bunny "you'd never get our organisation cancelling a major event because of a bit of snow. We have a responsibility to everyone." Whilst Lapland chiefs desperately try to thrash out some form of "contract agreement" with DHL, others have offered some defence of the organisation. "It is an impossible situation" said the health and safety officer for the Tooth Fairy "we all know that Santa has a very large workload and these conditions are unprecedented. I don't think any of us would want a tragic accident."

This is not the first time Santa has hit controversy. In 2006, he was cleared by the Court of Appeal of driving whilst under the influence of alcohol after his legal team argued that reindeer do not count as motorised vehicles. And back in 2004 he nearly caused a major incident at Heathrow Airport after forgetting to get Air Traffic Control clearance before making deliveries in Hounslow.

THE LUFBRA ECHO: 100 POSTS OLD

Despite protestations that the site would be “closed down”, the Lufbra Echo today reaches a significant milestone: this is the 100th post. Ahead of an extended holiday for the busy editorial team, and largely because we can’t think of anything else to write, we thought that we would re-hash some of the best bits over the past few months. Cheap and lazy journalism? Well, possibly. But to be fair in two hours of live athletics coverage on Tuesday morning, the BBC spent well over half of it reminiscing about the Barcelona 1992 Olympics, so we feel we are due our own look back. Make yourself a nice cup of tea, sit back and enjoy our look over the top 10 moments in Echo history. Simply click on the number to read the story.

NUMBER 10: It was us who first broke the news that the now European 10,000m champion Mo Farah had had to give up on his hope of scooping the BBC Masterchef crown.

NUMBER 9: Ryan McLeod makes his first appearance in the countdown after he and Nick McCormick broke Loughborough’s pricy Alter-G treadmill.

NUMBER 8: Bowser, a European Cross Champion? Surely not. Err, well according to the BBC he was.

NUMBER 7: And a welcome first entry for the Echo’s award winning Portugal coverage. Here, there are concerns before the annual influx of distance runners even arrive in the Algarve.

NUMBER 6: Justice for LaShawn! The Echo sensitively discusses the drug cheat’s private issues.

NUMBER 5: UKA shocked everyone with their World Cross Selection. We had our own exclusive twist on the story.

NUMBER 4: It’s that man again! Ryan McLeod was in trouble after calling the emergency services for his damaged iPhone

NUMBER 3: It’s a bronze for the much praised coverage of the McLeod-Russell spat. The Echo was thanked by the Sports Journalists Association for our sensitive articles.

NUMBER 2: POST DELETED DUE TO ONGOING LEGAL FIGHT. Uh oh! It looks like we can’t bring you our silver medallist as we are still entrenched in a bitter and drawn out courtroom drama!

NUMBER 1: Well it had to come down to something on Portugal didn’t it? Yep, you guessed it- the gold medal Echo article as voted for by our research department is the report following a “night of scandal” in Vilamoura. Happy memories.

The Echo will now be on holiday until something interesting happens, if it ever does.

POSTAL VOTING CANCELLED AS POLICE LAUNCH CORRUPTION PROBE

Leicestershire Constabulary have announced an investigation into “highly irregular” goings on in the postal voting system for LSAC’s annual elections due to be held on Wednesday. Observers from the United Nations have had to be drafted in amid fears that the poll will descend into chaos as an “unprecedented number” of voters are expected to voice their displeasure with the “old politics”. Postal voting, which was largely responsible for propelling the current President Hodges to power, has been cancelled this year after an unnamed candidate was caught photocopying voting forms in the early hours of Sunday morning. Police confirmed that a 20 year-old man was arrested and bailed and that “no corners would be cut” in the quest for fair democracy. “We can’t be too careful” sighed Ian Anholm, who is responsible for overseeing the elections, “after a year of scandal, we need to get everything right this time. This is a new era for LSAC.” Postal votes were brought in to avoid a repeat of the terrible scenes at the 2005 elections when thousands were prevented from casting their vote as polls were alleged to close early. They have not been without their dissenters however, with some calling Ed Womersley’s elevation to Cross Country Captain last year a “blatant stitch up”.

Meanwhile, candidates have been campaigning furiously into the night to gain ground in the “closest election in history”. Luke Stott has been accused by rival Michael Baker of “running a dirty campaign” after posters questioning the gender orientation of the GB International were displayed around Loughborough. Stott, who for his part slammed Baker’s own campaign as “half-hearted”, denied culpability and said that members of his team would be spoken to. Pete Matthews has seemingly re-focused his campaign in the wake of reports about his private life. The Sunday People ran a story titled RED, RED- BED: SEX FIEND MATTHEWS IN ALL NIGHT ROMP claiming that the former GB International (Mountain Running) played “sick role play games” with “as many as three hotties at once”. The article went on to suggest that Matthews would “seductively swap” international vests for each of his “bombshell babes”. The red head today gave an in-depth and tear-jerking interview with Piers Morgan, where he spoke of his “tough upbringing” and the “immense handicap” of being “an all round great guy”. His campaign team have conceded that it is “highly unlikely” that Matthews will be elected but dismissed rumours that running-mate Andrew Mariani was considering going it alone.

Elsewhere, Gary Bradbury has been forced to surrender his candidacy for Vice President after allegations surfaced that the 3:43 man had been “paying little or no attention” to his diet and photographs showing him “clearly buying full fat milk” were published. Bradbury said that the reports “amounted to entrapment” and were “gutter journalism of the worst kind.” Rumours that Dani Christmas was about to be installed as the new Chancellor have been rejected as “utter nonsense” by LSAC insiders. A source said, “we can’t have two women in the most powerful positions [a reference to Sophie Thomas’ probable presidential appointment], it just wouldn’t work. Besides, Dani is likely to have a lot of work to do in the run up to the festive season”. This leaves the door open for a potential bid from the likes of Ryan McLeod, who remained very coy on the speculation when searching for his car keys this morning.

UKA CALL FOR CALM AS ASH CLOUD SPREADS

UKA are “seriously considering” cancelling early athletics meetings this summer after the ash from the Eyjafjallajokull volcano spreads across Europe. European airspace is in meltdown and many athletes are resorting to extraordinary measures in a bid to return to the UK. A UKA spokesman urged athletes to “remain calm” in the crisis, but conceded that it was now “very likely” that events such as the BUCS Outdoor Championships would be axed. “We don’t want people taking insane risks just to get back for BUCS,” said the source from his holiday home in New Zealand, “Nick Goolab and Stephen Sharp have already attempted to swim home from Portugal for the National 12 Stage and we can’t have everyone trying this.” The Belgrave pair were fished out of the Atlantic Ocean just half a mile from shore after Sharp inadvertently went the wrong way. Speaking from a hospital in Lisbon, where both were given the all clear, Sharp said “I didn’t realise that my iPhone wasn’t water proof and so the route map application broke and we ended up swimming towards Africa....Nick’s knackered now but it’s all good training.” Despite the setback, Sharp refused to rule himself out of the relays that start at midday tomorrow. “It’s not over yet,” said the most successful relay runner in British history, “I have spoken to Alan [Mead, Belgrave manager] and asked for a later leg. We could run there and just do a shortened cool down.” For their part, Belgrave have denied encouraging their stars to take unprecedented measures in order to make the relays. “We preach responsibility,” said an insider, “our guys must remember that they are role models to millions of kids and when they do something stupid it may be copied.”

In Portugal, David Howe and Alasdair Donaldson have been delayed in departing from LSAC’s warm weather training camp and Preston AC have had to postpone their return by nearly a week. A Preston source bemoaned a “difficult” situation. “The other night we really fell out with the Loughborough lot on the grounds we wouldn’t see them again. Now we’re stuck with them and their egos for ages- it’s awful.” Donaldson meanwhile is believed to have abandoned a bid to cycle up to Front Romeu in the Pyrenees, where his UKA colleagues are currently based. It is rumoured that the Scot fell off his bike only three kilometres into the trip and “badly grazed” his right knee. Our UKA source went on, “this situation does weird things to people. I know that Alasdair wants to be with the guys in France but he’ll be fine in Portugal.” Yesterday evening, Donaldson indicated that he was “gravely concerned” at the prospect of being stranded in Portugal. The Newham and Essex Beagle has claimed that he is being “relentlessly bullied” by the girls at the LSAC camp. “They aren’t being very nice,” sobbed the Scot, “Dani [Christmas] said that my tan wasn’t very good yesterday and that’s so upsetting.”

Back in the UK, some athletes are refusing to train in light of the “horrendous” air quality. Gary Bradbury revealed that he could “hardly breathe” on a recent recovery run and said that he would be writing off the next three weeks as a precaution. Chris Warburton was in a similar situation and indicated that his “entire season” may well now be over. “I think the dust cloud had an early effect on me in Portugal,” said the 3:38 man, “it’s been erupting for a couple of weeks now and that would explain why Stephen Emery was able to beat me in training.”

Elsewhere, Paula Radcliffe has paid £250,000 for a special “EasyBreathe” system to help her avoid any long term damage during her training. The Bedford and County said, “it’s great- I wear this special mask and it almost feels like normal.” The Marathon World Record holder revealed that there was a bit of snag when the company refused to print the Nike Swoosh on the device and thus rendering it useless. “It was fine in the end because Gary [Lough, Paula’s husband] drew it on with a Nike permanent marker,” Radcliffe explained, “he’s good like that- always coming up with ingenious solutions.”

PORTUGAL 'CLOSED' TO ANY MORE DISTANCE RUNNERS

The Portuguese Government have today announced that they will not be allowing any more distance runners to book a training camp in the country this Easter. The Minister for Foreign Affairs, Luís Amado, has said that he plans to cut the number of runners in the hot spot by "roughly 30%" in 2011 with a further 15% cut in 2012. The news comes after a survey conducted by the Lufbra Echo revealed that 98% of all UK-based distance runners under the age of 26 would be training in Portugal this Easter.

Amado held last ditch talks with British counterpart David Miliband last night in a bid to prevent the migration. The talks broke off in the early hours with "no resolution". Miliband has said quite publicly that he does not see the issue with aspiring athletes heading to the Algarve to prepare for their summer seasons. The Portugese Government however point to last year's famous ice shortage in Vilamoura along with a complaints from locals about a lingering smell of deep heat. "It was dreadful," said a Portuguese source, "we had these thin white people running around everywhere. We ran out of ice as they kept lying in it and moaning about 'sore calves'....they don't even spend much in bars as they are in bed by midnight". The local source went on, "no hill is safe. Every slight incline seems to have these idiots charging up it. This has to stop."

Miliband is believed to have agreed "in principle" to blocking the booking of any further athletes, however "flatly refused" to grant Amado's wish and confiscate the passports of "all distance runners" for the next month. Describing the idea as "unworkable", Miliband did confirm that he spoke at length with Loughborough's infamous director, George Gandy. "He and I had a productive meeting," said the Foreign Secretary, "I told him in no uncertain terms that Portugal was not South Africa and that Chris Parr should be kept on a leash at all times."

LSAC is decamping its entire endurance operation to Portugal for three and a half weeks in a bid to escape what Gandy calls the "tyrannical" rule of Ian Anholm. Gandy yesterday told Anholm to calm down after the latter announced a probe into a missing pen that was last seen above the BUCS sign-up sheet. The prime-suspect is Dani Christmas who was seen "acting suspiciously" after her injury-curtailed drills session last night. Christmas, who is also rumoured to be responsible for Alasdair Donaldson's black eye, is alleged to have "ducked away" from the HiPac before speeding out of the main gate.

The Lufbra Echo will be reporting live from Portugal throughout the LSAC training camp. We will be offering the following:
- LIVE Pete Matthews injury updates
- LIVE relationship updates
- LIVE Donaldson assault updates
- LIVE bitch-ometer, including who is saying what about who
- LIVE Emery tan-watch. Will he tan or just go bright red?

For the price of just £35 per SMS, you can hear all this news A WHOLE 5 MINUTES before I put it on here. Terms and Conditions apply. For more information visit: www.sawyoucoming.co.uk

GANDY FUMING AFTER TRAINING BLUNDER

George Gandy has threatened to fly home from the World Indoor Championships after his gaffe-prone deputies "made a complete mess" of Tuesday night's training session. The self-proclaimed 'guru' slammed his assistant coaches for failing to allow the 5km group sufficient time to recover from their tempo run before moving onto hill repetitions. "That [the 5km error] was one of a number of things I was unhappy with" stormed Gandy from his Doha hotel, "I heard that we had people dropping out all over the place with 'stomach complaints' and some in the 800m group doing 20 minute tempo runs....a complete fiasco I'm afraid." It is thought the mix up occurred after Alasdair Donaldson sent an un-sanctioned email to the entire endurance group "clarifying" the training situation. "He [Donaldson] shouldn't have done that" said Gandy, "I'm the only one who can send emails".

This is not the first time things have gone awry in Gandy's absence. Late last year a Beacon Hill session was labelled "a disaster" by the guru when half the group trained at 11am and the other at 2:30pm. Several key athletes were hauled before Loughborough chiefs at the time to explain themselves. More recently, John Nutall was in hot water for running an "alternative" morning session on a Saturday. The pair had to be separated by stunned observers after Gandy threatened to revoke Nutall's campus car parking privileges.

Gandy has said that he spoke at length with Donaldson yesterday evening, but that in itself led to another foul-up. The Scot was supposed to be overseeing a Circuits session at the time and a whole minute passed without a single call- leaving some 'horizontal sprinting' the entire time. This was too much for 800m starlet Dani Christmas who branded the whole session a "waste of time". "I did 30 seconds too much on burpees," harrumphed Christmas calling Dame Kelly Holmes, "that could ruin my entire season now."

LSAC's Director is expected back in the East Midlands on Tuesday and will doubtless be hoping his program can remain in one piece until then.