UKA CONCERN AT LIVERPOOL CONDITIONS

UK Athletics have expressed their "horror" at the weather forecast for tomorrow's Liverpool Cross Challenge. It is understood that after last year's selection fiasco, all selectors are being forced to "actually attend" the event and as such are "mortified" at the prospect of the sub-zero temperatures expected tomorrow. "It is totally unreasonable" thundered a spokesperson for Director of Endurance, Ian Stewart "you wouldn't treat a slave like this. Ian has had to order a massive fur coat and had the UKA logo embroidered on it just to survive the cold".

The endurance team are thought to be furious at a demand from UKA chiefs that they must show an interest in "each and every event, even the senior women". It is also rumoured that the VIP lounge that has been laid on at most other events has been scrapped in the name of austerity. Insiders have expressed fears that if selectors are allowed to mingle with "normal Liverpudlians" there could be trouble. "I hear that security has been relaxed this year" said a source "it could mean that the selectors are held to account by the athletes and that could be awful". Police have already confirmed that "a number of known trouble makers" will not be permitted at Sefton Park tomorrow- Mick Woods is said to be appealing the decision.

Speaking from his holiday home in the Maldives, UKA supremo Neils De Vos was unrepentant and largely unsympathetic. "I think it is appropriate that the whole team is there. It's not all that bad and they can rally together and see it as a sort of camping trip" said De Vos. "It's just such a shame that I can't be there as I have pressing athletics related business to deal with out here".

De Vos' demands have been heavily criticised by athletics guru, George Gandy. The guru was told in no uncertain terms that it would not be acceptable to despatch his PA Alasdair Donaldson to the event and Gandy wondered "what the point of an apprentice was if you couldn't send him to do chores". "After all," he continued "you don't have a dog and bark yourself." The assistant is instead to remain in Loughborough and transcribe the results into an email ready to send out to all and sundry. Donaldson - who does not have the time to read this site - is said to be "delighted" with his assignment and aims to maintain the high standards his emails have thus far exhibited.

UKA SCOOP EUROPEAN GONG

UK Athletics have won the prestigious prize for the 'Worst Governing Body' at yesterday evening's European Sporting Howlers Awards. UKA, who lost out to the French Cricket Board last year, were commended for their "lack of coherent leadership and cliquey approach to selection" as well as a "complete ineptitude to finances". A spokesman for the judging panel said, "UKA have really weakened their game this year- they were close in 2009 and the judges were impressed by even more failings this year."

Accepting the award, UKA's Chief Executive Niels De Vos hailed a "wonderful day" for British sport. "This is such a shock...we really thought that Snowsport UK had it in the bag this year," he said "I would like to thank everyone at Athletics House for all their incompetence". De Vos went on to say that he would now be targeting the Global version of the award later this year- "that's where we are headed now. It's very exciting....of course we have a lot of laziness and arrogance ahead, as well as the European Championships to mess up first".

It was not all glory for the British, however. UKA's head of endurance, Ian Stewart was just beaten by the Fijian Director of Equestrian Development Wasta Spaceo, in the 'Worst Departmental Head' category. Speaking to the Lufbra Echo after the dinner Stewart said, "well obviously it's disappointing to lose out again [he was third last year], but I feel that I am really going backwards now and so there is always next year." The Scot went on, "this is a great night for UKA, but we must guard against hard work if we are to maintain our low standards."