DASAOLU HANDED FINE AFTER WATER COOLER RUN IN

James Dasaolu has been fined £8,000 and warned about his future conduct after he threw a water cooler from a balcony in Sheffield. The sprint prodigy was said to be irate with the water cooler after the liquid it dispensed did not meet his high standards of cleanliness. Calling it "f****** rank" the Croydon man slammed the cup on the floor and then stunned observers by picking the entire unit up and dumping it over the railing. The cooler fell 20 feet and has not worked since.

It is understood that Dasaolu - who has since apologised for his behaviour - became worked up after struggling for "over an hour" to use the lift. An onlooker said "it was really strange. He couldn't figure out the difference between the ground floor and the first floor. He kept going up and down until one his coaches came to assist him." Dasaolu then had a disappointing workout - which included a heated row with a door that "deliberately closed on him" - before the now infamous water cooler incident.

UKA said that they would now be drawing a line under the matter and denied making an example of Dasaolu. "We could have banned him from competition but decided against it," said a spokesman "the important thing is that he realises that such behaviour is absolutely unacceptable." Dasaolu has been banned from using the indoor facility in Sheffield and will attend a 'water cooler awareness workshop' at UKA Headquarters next month.

BRADBURY SEEKS SQUAD ASSURANCES

Gary Bradbury is set for talks aimed at keeping him at Loughborough this evening, after the 1500m star refused to sign a new contract earlier in the year. The 3:43 man's contract expires at the end of the season and he is understood to be "very disappointed" with the new intake of first years. With rumours of a bust up between himself and Gandy's PA, Alasdair Donaldson, many have speculated that this campaign would be his last at the African Violets. Gandy conceded at a press conference last week that he was "dumbfounded" by Bradbury's comments but added that the "door would always be open" for him to reconsider. "You can never say never with an athlete of that quality" said an ashen faced guru "but I had a meeting with the Vice Chancellor last week and it was confirmed that Gary had said he wanted away".

Bradbury's decision is not thought to be related to money, however it is unlikely that anyone other than Loughborough's huge rivals Birmingham would be able to afford his £120,000 a week pay packet. Furious fans have flooded the airwaves of radio phone-ins expressing their dismay at the situation and several protesters were arrested outside the athlete's £4m Loughborough home. It is understood that police are "very concerned" for the safety of Bradbury at next weekend's Birmingham League. An insider said: "we have informed Loughborough that it probably isn't a good idea for Mr Bradbury to compete. We cannot guarantee the athlete's safety at this event".

A number of separate events are understood to have upset Bradbury and led to his shocking revelation. After a largely disappointing season, the former BUCS medallist is allegedly concerned that he would "waste the best years of his career" with a Loughborough squad that was failing to compete at the top level. A source close to the star said that the recent bust up with Donaldson was "the straw that broke the camel's back". Bradbury was left fuming after the Scot scrapped the Loughborough grass session and was not shy in telling him about it. HiPac staff were said to have had to separate the pair as James Dasaolu expressed his own fury that the spat was taking place on the plyo mat. "It was an all out brawl in the end," said an observer "the police had to be called to break it all up".

Gandy is keen to clear the whole affair up this evening, but did ask the Loughborough fans to "be patient" whilst the talks were ongoing.  

'ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN FINAL' SHOCK

The British athletics community is reeling from the revelation that "anything can happen in a final". It seems that theory was developed by top UKA boffins and has been drilled into every single athlete competing, either that or it is a competition to see how many times you can say the phrase. Alas, Echo favourite, James Dasaolu was unable to see if anything could happen as he did not manage to make the final of the 100m. Speaking shortly before the Championships, Dasaolu confidently told Phil Jones of the BBC that "firstly, I want to make the final....anything can happen in a final....firstly, I want to win a medal. In order to win a medal, I have to make the final". Right.

Further credence was given to the theory last night when Mark Lewis-Francis (self styled: MLF) stormed to a silver medal in 10.18 seconds- just 0.6s off the World Record. It was incredibly unfortunate for the BBC as they spent much of the time we all had to wait for the result pondering what colour medal Dwain Chambers might have won. Completely oblivious to the fact that Lewis-Francis had quite literally rolled his way to silver, Denise Lewis and Colin Jackson launched into a post mortem on Chambers' race: "he over strides and it cost him the race...it might even be that Bronze," opined Jackson of Chambers (who finished fifth), before confirming that Lamaitre "so certainly" won the race. In fact, so sure were Beeb producers that Lewis-Francis was not going to win a medal that they didn't even bother to put a front-on camera in his lane, thus meaning viewers were robbed of the opportunity to hear the pundits' views on his facial expressions.

"I'm so happy right about now," said Lewis-Francis of his "new beginning", before ruining his moment by deciding to speak in the third-person: "this is the new Mark Lewis-Francis". Is it? Would that be the same "new" Lewis-Francis who actually ran quicker a few years ago, won an Olympic (relay) medal and then went on to test positive for marijuana in 2005? Perhaps not. Thankfully, the BBC had wasted so long dwelling on the demise of Chambers that we weren't able to find out much about MLF's views on his medal. He did, however, state that it "was all thanks to Linford [Christie, Lewis-Francis' coach and convicted drug cheat]" before going onto say that it was also thanks to just about everyone else in the stadium.

Lewis-Francis was clearly delighted and rightly so. But he wasn't half as delighted as Steve Cram was when Chambers failed to medal: "Chambers has crumbled!" he gleefully proclaimed before continuing his pre-race love in with the victorious Frenchman. Oh well, Steve, we all agree that we shouldn't ever forgive people for their past mistakes- particularly cheats! Just like I hate people who run off and cheat on their wives when they have kids at home. I'm sure you'll agree.

NEWS IN BRIEF

DASAOLOU TO APLOGISE FOR ITALIAN RANT

Britain's next big sprinting hope, James Dasaolu, is being forced into an embarrassing U-Turn this morning after clashing with an Italian police officer. The 10.06 (wind assisted) man is currently on a training trip to Rome and is alleged to have "completely lost it" with the officer after being informed that his hire car was parked illegally. By-standers were left stunned as Dasaolu was restrained by close pal and training partner, Harry Aikines-Aryeetey. Dasaolu was particularly upset as the policeman in question had watched the two sprint aces take 20 minutes to maneuver the vehicle into the spot. This in itself brought a heated exchange between the two friends with Dasaolou branding Aikines-Aryeetey an "idiot" as his directions were unclear. One bystander has alleged that Dasaolu's car "clearly touched" another vehicle and it was at this point that the police officer had no option but to become involved. "It was quite funny," said Liverpudlian tourist Denise, "the smaller one [Dasaolou] was getting all upset because the bigger one [Aryeetey] kept doing press ups when he should have been directing him." UK Athletics have said that they will be insisting that their charge apologise to the Italian police generally after calling them "a bunch of corrupt losers who no one likes." Dasaolu, who is not known for his intelligence, is also thought to have injured himself by kicking what he thought was a football in a fit of rage. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a solid marble decorative boulder. A UKA insider has said that the injury is "not season threatening".

JONES TO SET UP CAKE SHOP

Disgraced American sprinter, Marion Jones, is to set up a cake shop in Los Angeles, the Lufbra Echo understands. The cakes, which will be "special brand", will be made by the sprinter herself in a joint venture with fellow dope, Justin Gatlin. Jones is rumoured to have "excelled" on a cookery course she took whilst serving time in prison for defrauding just about everybody she has ever met. However, doubt has been cast on her ability as a prison insider told of how she was disqualified from her final Cake Making Board Exams. "She stole some pre-made cakes from the kitchen," our source said, "and then rigorously denied the allegations. Her cakes never failed an authenticity test, but there was enough evidence to link her with the fraud." Weeks of rumours apparently led to a teary confession on the steps outside the infirmary, where Jones said that she had "let everyone down" particularly her beloved cell-mate Greta 'Biatch, the G-Dog', Griffiths. The Jones-Gatlin camp, have dismissed the allegations and are instead focusing on the "exciting venture" that the pair are currently working on. "We hope that people will either eat in or take out," said a spokesman, "they have decided to call it 'Clean Cakes' and hope that consumers see the irony." USA Track and Field have condemned the plans and warned all of their athletes not to frequent the establishment. LaShwan Merritt was thought to be involved in initial plans for the store, but was forced to pull out citing "little problems".

McLEOD IN BIRTHDAY GAFFE

Ryan McLeod celebrated his birthday 24 hours too early in what has been called a "pacing mix up". The Tipton Harrier turned 25 yesterday, but was seen out on Sunday evening celebrating with pals. One observer said, "someone went up to him and suggested that he was going too early and he [McLeod] just glared at him and said 'who do you think you are? Tom Russell?'" It was only in the early hours of the following morning that McLeod realised his blunder but by this time it was too late. "The damage had been done," sighed coach John Nutall, "Ryan tried to make it a true run birthday celebration, but it didn't work out- he was just too eager." It is rumoured that the 13:54 5k man was left "absolutely shattered" for his actual birthday evening. An insider said, "he had nothing left. He had been doing far too much of the work."

EMERY CONFIDENT AHEAD OF MIDLANDS TEST

Stephen Emery has revealed that he is "absolutely certain" that he will win the Midlands' 1500m title this weekend. The Coventry man suffered a blip last week at the BMC Sport City meeting, but claimed that "nobody, not even a cat on EPO" could touch him this weekend. "Sport City was Sport City. I think we all know that it was a joke there and that Gary [Bradbury] maliciously taunted me hair highlights before the race. I'm ready now- come and get me." Emery is likely to face stiff opposition from the likes of Tom Russell and Tim Dalton, but the 3:49 1500m man has had firm words for his rivals. "None of them have achieved what I have. I am the BUCS bronze medalist and showed my kicking ability in that race, so I know I can live with anything."

LOUGHBOROUGH INTERNATIONAL NEWS.....

'LONG TRACK' DENIES DASAOLOU SUB-10

Echo favourite, James Dasaolu has said that he is "well furious" this evening after improving his lifetime best over 100m to 10.06 seconds (wind assisted). The Loughborough based star argued with officials for over 20 minutes before the start of the race as felt that he was being started "at least half a metre" behind where he should have been. LSAC insiders have denied speculation that the GB International was about to be expelled from the race. Speaking from a press conference, Dasaolu hailed what he called a "moral sub-10" and revealed that he would be appealing to the IAAF. "The way I see it," said the Croydon star, "I have just set the world record for 100.5 metres. It's a great honour." There was much excitement before the race that Loughborough might to be about to witness its first ever sub-10 second 100m. Furious spectators are now demanding a full refund after it failed to materialise. It is rumoured that male observers were also upset that "the females were not looking their best".

LOUGHBOROUGH ATHLETES COMPETE IN LOUGHBOROUGH EVENT OUTCRY

George Gandy is being forced to respond to furious accusations of favouritism this evening, after it was revealed that some Loughborough based athletes were allowed to take part as guests in the Loughborough International. Angry posters on popular running forum eightlane.com have called on the LSAC and UKA chief to resign. One poster, who didn't give his real name, said that it was "unfair" that "[poor] athletes were allowed to compete." The anonymous poster who may or may not be any good at running also slammed Gandy's decision to drop the men's steeplechase accusing the guru of having an attitude that "Loughborogh [sic] do not have any chasers so we will not put that event on the schedule". Another courageously anonymous poster said that "surely questions should be asked." A spokesman for the Fairness in Athletic Inclusion, Regulation, Interest and Emotional Support (FAIRIES) said, "we have had enough of this now. The other day, I was at a meeting in St. Mary's and it was full of St. Mary's athletes. That isn't fair. We've had reports of similar situations at Birmingham and Bath as well."

The Echo can also reveal that Mr. Gandy may well be in hot water over claims that Loughborough athletes are being allowed a "disproportionate" amount of time on their home track. It is likely that he is going to have to explain to Government chiefs why some distance athletes are allowed to train on the track "as often as three times a week." The source at FAIRIES went on, "it means that the African Violets are always at an advantage. I think they should be restricted in their ability to train."

'PATHETIC' PACEMAKING FRUSTRATES TAYLOR

Johnny Taylor has hit out at what he calls the "most ridiculous pacemaking performance of all time" after failing to win the Match race of the 1500m. Taylor has said that the pacemaker, Ben Green, clearly "bowed to pressure from the crowd". Speaking after the race, the Teesider said "I heard somebody shout to him to slow down. He was only 50m clear of the pack and so I can't understand why he did. It ruined my race, I was going to catch him." Taylor revealed that the reason he chose not to go with the pace was that it was "very windy in [his] lane." Taylor went on, "everyone knows that it is the start that counts and I was badly disadvantaged by being right in the wind. The first 45m was really tough". Meanwhile, Frank Baddick blamed a change in milk for his below par performance. The Newham and Essex Beagle said "I have just switched to the orange top stuff from Sainos [Sainsbury's] and that probably upset the calcium-fat balance in my blood and so explains the bad run. I'm completely, totally, 110% relaxed about it".

POLLEN COUNT CAUSES CHAOS

The Loughborough International ran several minutes behind schedule after officials had to make no fewer than ten "airborne pollen inspections" over the course of the afternoon. The checks were enforced after several athletes, including 100m Olympian Mark Lewis-Francis, called the pollen count "dangerously high." Indeed, Lewis-Francis called for the meeting to be cancelled just minutes before his event as the roof of his mouth was "very itchy." After being convinced to compete, the sprint ace revealed how he "wouldn't be bothering" with the event again. "Let's face it, I am better than this," said the former Olympic (relay) Champion, "it's just that I have been injured and so can't go anywhere else. I looked around at the start and thought, 'gee is this how bad things have got?' I guess things can only get better now."

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL: LSAC ELECTIONS 2010

WARBURTON CAMPAIGN IN TATTERS AFTER OFFICIAL BUST-UP

Chris Warburton has had to shelve ambitions to become LSAC’s new Secretary of Committee for the Alumni after a 5 minute rant at “officious nobodies” during last night’s opening Loughborough Midweek. The 1500m star was “shocked and disappointed” by the tone of voice adopted by the timekeepers' assistant reading out the lap splits during his race. “There was no support in there,” fumed the eventual race winner, “it was like she wasn’t interested or didn’t care. Frankly I felt as if she wanted to be any place else but watching me run.” The Notts AC man was also upset by what he called a “tactical” false start from bitter rival Stephen Emery. “There should be laws against that sort of behaviour,” thundered the 3:39 man, “the truth is that the starter bottled it. Emery should have been out on his ear, no question.” In extraordinary scenes at Loughborough’s track last night, Warburton had to be dragged from the Meeting Referee by fellow athletes and announced shortly afterwards that he would not be standing for Committee representation. In his statement, the 27 year-old refused to apologise for his actions and called for a “fundamental review” of the officiating in the UK. “It’s time we got some competent people in to do this job,” he said, “this sort of amateur nonsense just won’t do.”

STEWART BACKS HIMSELF FOR PRESIDENTIAL ROLE

In a strange interview given exclusively to the Lufbra Echo last night, UKA’s Director of Endurance seemed to throw his hat into the ring for a Presidential campaign. It had long been assumed that Sophie Thomas- the current Secretary of Committee for making the tea- would run for the position unopposed, but the UKA supremo last night boasted of his “f******g superb record” in athlete management. “Nobody could do that job but me,” said Stewart from last night’s Midweek meet, “I am the only f******g candidate. Who is this f******g woman going for it? Are you f******g serious?” Stewart’s words have left many scrambling for the Loughborough Students Athletic Club Constitution which is said to be “vague at best” on whether an outsider could be appointed. A club historian said, “it certainly would be the most extraordinary development since the Coe-Moorcroft coalition in the 1980s.” It is not yet clear whether the Scot was being serious in his interview, but he did reserve strong words for “whoever was f******g responsible for making these f******g awful sandwiches”. Alasdair Donaldson has since apologised.

STOTT CALLS FOR ICE REVIEW

Luke Stott, the current Secretary of Committee for not doing very much, has said that if he were to become the new Secretary of Committee for doing even less (Track and Field Captain), he would chair an investigation into the “substandard” ice quality in Loughborough. “If we are to remain at the top of our game,” said the sprinter, “we really need to address the ice machines.” It seems that many of Loughborough’s sprint community have slammed the current ice arrangements as they “are too cold”. Echo favourite James Dasaolu recently threw an ice bag across the plyometric mat after a well meaning physio applied it to his hurt leg. An insider revealed that the coldness of the ice “had come as a complete surprise” to Dasaolou, who demanded someone fetch him some “warm ice”.

FLANNERY SET TO “CLEAN UP MESS” AS MATTHEWS SEEKS PROMOTION

Keiran Flannery has stated that it is his “constitutional duty” to remain as Secretary of Committee for (not) delivering the kit. The 800m star had offered his resignation from the disastrous coalition with Pete Matthews after the kit did not arrive. However launching his campaign manifesto today, Flannery indicated that he felt the experience of the past year would “serve him well” in taking the kit situation forward. “I know what it’s like to be at the lowest point,” said Flannery to an excited crowd of more than 4, “I know how to make this club’s kit great again. I got you into this and I can get you out of it.”

It has become clear that Pete Matthews will not be following his former partner’s example and has instead opted to campaign to become the joint new Secretary of Committee for drunkenness with Andrew Mariani. Matthews claims to be well qualified for the role by being “an all round great guy”, however some would question his suitability given that he gave close friends “roughly a five percent chance” of making the BUCS final. One close source, who asked not to be named, said “Matthews has a dark side and is committed to being at the top. He will crawl over dead bodies to get there”. The former GB International (Mountain Running) used his CV to indicate that he was “very unlucky” to miss out on being appointed Head Boy whilst at school, but has obtained Grades 1, 2 and 3 on the piano. Potential voters are also informed of the “prestigious” institutions to which Matthews was invited to attend before opting for Loughborough. Our source continued, “frankly, I wish he’d taken up one of those other offers- it would’ve saved us all some trouble”.

BRADBURY EYES VP ROLE

Gary Bradbury has pledged to “bring a bit of talent” to the committee if he was to be elected as the Vice President, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The so far unconfirmed VP candidate told friends and activists that his rivals “should never underestimate the determination of a quiet man”. The outgoing (and largely disgraced) President Rob Hodges made no secret of his desire to see “a man of Bradbury’s ilk” in his last Committee. Hodges told the Echo that he would be “delighted” if Bradbury chose to run. “To be honest,” said the President, “I have looked at the current nominations list and it contains a bunch of no hopers. We need an athlete of Gary’s calibre to advertise ourselves to the world.” The largely ceremonial role of Vice President involves chairing committee meetings and President’s Questions when the President is away on Club business as well as carrying the Presidential Spikes to race meetings. Hodges revealed that he attempted to use the 25th Amendment to the Club Constitution to get Bradbury “in through the back door” last year. “It didn’t work out,” said the premiere, “you see the Gary and I sometimes race together and the President and Vice President can never travel together.” Publicly, Bradbury was remaining coy this morning- but insiders are said to be gearing up with a “hard hitting” campaign manifesto.

LOUGHBOROUGH OPEN MEETING NEWS....

All the action from the BUCS Trials rounded up by the Echo

FURIOUS EMERY PONDERS ACTION AFTER BADDICK SLUR

Stephen Emery has said that he is “hurt and upset” after Frank Baddick accused the Coventry Godiva man of “bottling it” at the Loughborough Open (inc. BUCS Trials) held yesterday. Going into the race, bookmakers had stopped taking bets on an Emery win, with many citing his “tremendous” form at LSAC’s Portugal Warm Weather training camp- in February you could get odds of 100-1 for the same outcome. However, race organisers received a call from Emery on the morning of the meeting declaring himself unwell and unable to compete. Speaking at the post race press conference, a victorious Baddick taunted Emery, stating that it was “disappointing” he chose not to run. “This was the big test,” beamed the Newham and Essex Beagle, “and Stephen clearly wasn’t ready for it. He says he was ill- but we have seen this before. He was in excellent shape in South Africa last year and that came to nothing.”

Baddick, who has had a disappointing winter, also told of his relief to chalk up a race victory. “This is the one I wanted,” said the 24 year old, “it’s the stuff you dream of. When things were going badly I just kept focussed on this- I thought save it for the Loughborough Open- then you’ll show them all.” The 3:42 1500m man went on to call Emery’s withdrawal “suspicious”. “All I’m saying is that this was the first time there was real pressure on him. With his meteoric rise of late, I just wonder whether there is something in his system that he isn’t telling us about.”

Emery meanwhile presented a doctor’s certificate at his own press conference this afternoon and is less than happy at Baddick’s comments. “Nonsense,” thundered the 8:51 3k man, “jealous, malicious, half baked nonsense. The biggest load of nonsense since sliced bread.” Emery also revealed that he was in discussions with his legal team. “Just because he was nowhere all winter, Frank thinks he can make stuff up to bring us all down. That is deeply upsetting. I was puking my guts up yesterday and so could never have raced.”

SPRINTERS FUME AT ‘WRONG COLOUR’ TRACK

Loughborough’s sprinters are demanding that the entire track is dug up and re-laid ahead of next month’s Loughborough International after several athletes complained that the track was “too red”. 100m man, Luke Stott said that the track’s colour ruined his race yesterday. “It was blinding,” harrumphed the 10.7 (wind assisted) man, “I glanced up from my blocks and all I could see was red, red, red. It ruined my concentration.” Meanwhile, Echo favourite James Dasaolu refused to race altogether citing the “disgusting” track colour. “I don’t know what’s happened over the winter,” said Dasaolu en route to a race in Limoges, “it was fine last year but there’s no way I’ll race on that now- it’s out of order.”

Loughborough’s facilities boss, Ian Anholm was less than impressed with the “whining sprinters”. “It’s always the same. Summer comes around and they need an excuse and so have a go at me. Poor old me- I try my best, but what do they want me to do? Go out there and re-paint the thing?” Anholm, who has been accused of a “tyrannical” management style in the past, was speaking after launching a probe into “inappropriate parking” at the event. “Some vehicles were all over the place,” said the admin chief, “and I distinctly saw one car drive the wrong way around the one way system. Heaven knows what would have happened if someone had been coming the other way- it just doesn’t bear thinking about.” Anholm pledged to “get to the bottom” of the misdemeanour and that “no punishment would be too harsh” for the perpetrator.

GANDY SKIPS TRIAL IN FAVOUR OF ‘NIGHT OUT WITH THE LADS’

George Gandy has been snapped by French newspaper L’Equipe leaving a French nightclub in the early hours of Saturday morning despite a previous pledge to be at Loughborough’s BUCS trials. The guru refused to answer his phone this morning but a UKA insider revealed how Gandy never made it to the airport for his planned flight to the East Midlands. “Ryan McLeod was planning a big night out and George wanted to get involved. Alasdair Donaldson remained at the accommodation ready to make the tea the morning after.” Gandy’s actions are unlikely to sit well with many who were looking forward to showing off their early season form to the LSAC Director. It is rumoured that Chris Warburton was “close to tears” when he heard the news and that Gary Bradbury refused to leave his home for “some hours” having got off the phone with the guru.

ECHO ANNOUNCES BUCS DEAL

The Lufbra Echo is thrilled to announce exclusive access to the Loughborough camp at next weekend's BUCS Championships. The news comes after rival publications attempted to swipe the deal from under our noses, but our unnamed Chief Executive remained resolute. He enthused: "this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. George Gandy is away and so it is likely access will be absolute. Our loyal readership can look forward to nightly updates, exclusive interviews and all the action as it happens." The Echo narrowly missed out on a similar deal with the University of North Dunstable, but will be able to carry snippets from around the stadium at Bedford.

Coverage is subject to availability and a delay of several hours. Terms and conditions apply. Some interviews will be more exciting than others.

MERRITT ACCEPTS GUILT IN ENHANCEMENT FOUL-UP

LaShawn Merritt, the disgraced 400m Olympic and World Champion has conceded that he “did a dumb ass thing” but has hit out at what he calls the “stupidly tight” USA team kit. Merritt tested positive on three separate occasions for an illegal steroid which he claims was in an over the counter “male enhancement” drug. Whilst the star said he would accept “any punishment” handed down, he pleaded for clemency on the grounds of “complex personal issues”. “It’s alright for the likes of Usain [Bolt] and Tyson [Gay], they don’t have anything to be ashamed of,” said a stricken Merritt from a press conference in New York, “but those suits really highlight the fallibility of someone like myself...I wanted to wear jogging shorts but they [USATF] wouldn’t allow it.” The 400m star now faces a two year suspension and the prospect of having his reputation sullied for the rest of his career.

The American spoke of a “bullying culture” in the athletics locker rooms around the globe. “The Golden Leagues were the worst,” explained Merritt, “Jeremy Wariner laughed in my face prior to my race in Paris- he called me mini-Merritt and that gets to you after a while. The truth is that I have had to put up with it since High School.” The Olympic Champion also spoke of the “other options” that he looked at before resorting to medication. “I tried to stick a sock down there for the 4x400m in Beijing- but then Martyn Rooney just called me socky-Shawn. As I was about to race I would shout ‘go sock it to ‘em Shawn’ and that was too much. I had to act.” It has also been revealed that surgical enhancement was ruled out due to “proportionality”. The athlete went on, “I only really wanted an increase in girth and length of around 3-5%. Surgery would have led to at least a 15% increase and that would have been very noticeable as well as uncomfortable....it would also have left me unable to race for six to seven months.”

Merritt’s revelations are bad news for another convicted dopester, Justin Gatlin. The former 100m Olympic Champion famously claimed that he tested positive after a wayward masseuse rubbed “testosterone gel” into his enlarged quadriceps. Gatlin’s representatives were remaining coy this morning, but did reveal that they felt their charge’s title for “best excuse” was under threat. “I think we all thought it would be a very long time before we had an excuse to rival Justin’s. LaShawn has shown originality and we have to respect that.” It is not known whether Gatlin will come up with another reason for his doping misdemeanours but “nothing has been ruled out” by his camp. “Justin is a proud man. Everyone respected him for his doping excuses and now they are talking about someone else. That’s sport and we now need to figure out how to respond to it.”

Closer to home, British starlet James Desaolu has bemoaned Merritt’s behaviour as a “major blow” to male athletes around the world. “It’s a vanity thing,” stormed the Loughborough based man, “we all looked at LaShawn and thought ‘there’s a guy who is small and proud’. We can’t do that anymore and that’s really sad.” Action groups across the country have also condemned Merritt’s actions saying that they fear an uptake in artificial enhancement. A spokesman for The Institute of Testicular Care and Happiness (TITCH) said, “we are what we are and we should be happy with that. What we don’t want is hundreds and thousands of young men resorting to these measures. Anyone with any fears should log on to www.sizeisnteverything.com.” Meanwhile the BBC have not ruled out raising the issue at the final Prime Ministerial debate to be held next Thursday. A Corporation insider said, “we can’t deny that size does matter and it would be interesting to get the leaders’ take on that.” The Liberal Democrat and Conservative Parties both refused to comment when contacted today, but Gordon Brown’s spokesman said that it was a “pertinent point that needed addressing.”

Merritt, meanwhile has pledged that we will be back in competition after his ban. “I am going to run for smaller gentlemen everywhere,” he said, “I have let them all down and so will prove that you don’t have to be big to win.”

SPRINTERS 'ACTUALLY A BIT THICK': REPORT

Sprinters are not as intelligent as long distance runners, a shocking report is set to reveal. The article, which the Lufbra Echo has had an exclusive preview of, will be published in the Journal of Useless Research later this month. The authors of the report have spoken to "many" sprinters and distance runners in order to make this ground-breaking conclusion. Professor W.A Ster who was the lead author of the report said, "we set out to prove that intelligence was about the same....but we were stunned with what we found, sprinters really aren't very bright at all".

The findings will come as little surprise to those who work with fast twitch athletes day in day out. One source, who does not wish to be named, said "you just have to look at the way they bounce around on the start line before they get their a*** kicked by Usain Bolt- bunch of idiots." However, some are said to be really quite hurt by the report. British starlet, James Dasaolu pledged to "hunt down" the author of the report and then presumably kick his water bottle over. "It's out of order" thundered Dasaolou, "how can anyone say that we [as a collective body] are thick? Have they even met Dwain Chambers?" Dasaolu was speaking just days after he miscounted the change at a parking metre and then threatened to steal a traffic warden's hat and pour his recovery shake all over it.

Professor W.A Ster was keen to point out that his findings do not exonerate distance runners. "Absolutely not," said the University of North Dunstable academic, "I spent time with some really quite stupid endurance athletes as well....Mick Woods at St. Mary's was kind enough to accommodate me for several days." When asked what the point of his research was Ster said, "I just think that the public should be prepared for when they have to sit through that tortuous post-race interview with Phil Jones....they shouldn't judge- it's not their fault." He also said that his findings did not extend to hurdlers or field eventers- "regrettably we ran out of money". The learned professor would also not be drawn on how 400m runners fit into the general picture. "Of course you have got the likes of Jeremy Wariner in the world, but there are some really quite intelligent quarter milers as well....we mainly draw a distinction between 100/200m runners and those over 800m"

Ster is now set to begin his next piece of insightful research into actually how bright Phil Jones is.