The NHS is struggling to cope with an outbreak of athletes claiming to be “anaemic”. A report in the British Medical Journal has raised concerns that the UK’s already depleted blood supplies will be “dangerously impacted” if the trend of underperforming athletes demanding treatment continues. “There is no question that this is a fast and legal way to success,” said the article’s lead author, “but there is no way that we can maintain the hand out of such therapy so liberally”. Anaemia is said to have become “fashionable” amongst younger athletes after stars such as Paula Radcliffe diagnosed themselves with the disorder. “Similar trends were seen when Wayne Rooney fractured his metatarsal and David Beckham tore his Achilles,” said the report, “athletes pick up on these things and it is down to healthcare professionals to sort them out.” Calling for a "full and frank epidemiological survey", the report concluded that if the rise in "anaemia" diagnoses continued, the UK would run out of blood by the end of the Cross Country season.
UK Athletics are doing their level best to remain distant from such accusations, but an insider confidentially told the Echo that it was a serious issue. “You’ve got these guys running awfully one minute, diagnosing themselves with anaemia and then magically running huge PBs,” he said from inside a broom cupboard, “it’s amazing what a few iron tablets can do.” Journalists have also noted the phenomenon, with disappointed athletes immediately declaring themselves ‘anaemic’ after poor races. “It is becoming the answer to all underperformance,” said a BBC source, “bad race now seems to equal anaemia.”
The Power of Ten have been forced to deny speculation that they were set to introduce a “blood count” service on athlete profiles. It had been rumoured that the site would allow athletes to list their ferritin levels alongside all performances and thus a poor one would be recorded as ID (Iron Depleted). “That scheme has now been scrapped” says PoT’s Director of Operations, “it was unworkable to expect all athletes to undergo blood tests after races. I don’t see a future for such an idea.”