David Howe’s credibility appears to be in tatters this evening after he was spotted leaving Sainsbury’s with “enough alcohol to drown George Gandy”. Shocked bystanders recall seeing the top coach marching away from the superstore with “several crates” of beer along with two large bottles of lemonade. After a difficult week for Loughborough and UKA, this latest scandal will come as a major blow. Howe was cautioned earlier this year after one of his athletes was rushed to hospital with alcohol poisoning having drunk a drink spiked by the Canadian. “It’s difficult to see a role for him now,” snarled Alasdair Donaldson (George Gandy’s PA), “I shall take over looking after David’s athletes as a temporary measure. Hopefully we’ll stop his guys from nearly getting lapped again”.
For his part, Howe has defended his actions claiming that what he does in his spare time is his own business. "I realise that being associated with the Loughborough regime means that I am a high profile figure," said the Canadian from a hideaway in the English countryside, "but if what I do away from the track is nothing to do with the wider world". Howe went on to dismiss Donaldson's comments, stating that the Scot had "a lot to learn" before he would be allowed near any of his athletes. "Who else can miss their guys falling over in a race?" thundered the world's leading authority on aggressive behaviour in snooker, "or keep them on their toes on a night out? Alasdair needs to get back to sending out George's emails".
Loughborough officials have said that the issue will not be dealt with until the regime gets rolling again at the end of the month.
Sunday, 5 September 2010
Friday, 3 September 2010
NEWS ROUND-UP
UKA CHIEF COULD RESIGN AMID ‘MALICIOUS AND UNTRUE ACCUSATIONS’
Charles Van Commenee could resign as the Performance Director of UK Athletics as early as next week after a week of internet rumours about his private life. The blogosphere has gone into overdrive in recent days, with many claiming that the Dutchman “doesn’t actually need glasses”. In an unprecedented move this evening, the top man called the Lufbra Echo to “set the record straight”. “Let me make this clear,” said a clearly tired and emotional Van Commenee, “I have needed spectacles since a young age. These nasty and horrible accusations are really upsetting my family.” The UKA Chief went on to dismiss rumours that he had visited a laser eye specialist last year as “an innocent friendship and nothing more”. “I am proud to wear glasses,” he said “they are my trademark and I would never dream of turning my back on such distinguished blindness. But why shouldn’t I be friends with a laser eye doctor?”
GANDY IN PARKING GAFFE
George Gandy has caused several thousand pounds worth of damage to a Loughborough car park after making an error when test driving a new Mercedes. The UKA endurance coach was looking to offload some of his Barcelona bonus by investing in the new car but things went horrendously wrong when he decided to nip to Tesco. “Mr Gandy was attempting to speed out of the car park,” said a senior source, “unfortunately he forgot that the car was stuck in reverse”. The insider went onto bemoan the “weak” walls of the car park. “They should see this sort of thing coming,” said the spokesman, “I am sure Mr Gandy will not be the first to do this so they better get used to it.”
BMC BOSS TO STAND DOWN OVER TIMING FOUL UPS
The Chief Executive of the British Milers Club will stand down at the end of the season after a string of errors have made his position “untenable”. The unnamed supremo is believed to have reached a compromise with his employers meaning that they will not have to pay out the entirety of his £12m contract. “We are grateful for all the work he [the CEO] has put in,” said membership secretary Pat Fitzgerald, “it is a thankless and entirely anonymous role.” Fitzgerald would not elaborate on the figure that has been paid out in order to secure the resignation but it is rumoured to be somewhere in the region of £3m. The membership chief – who is famous for hounding late payers of membership subs – denied speculation that he was in line to take up the role: “I don’t think I am ready for such a move yet. We need someone who is ready to shake the organisation up; we need a rethink”. Early last year, the BMC successfully won a High Court injunction against the Chief Executive preventing him from revealing his true identity in his autobiography. At the time the country’s premier middle distance club claimed that the role had to maintain a “high level of mystique” in order to be successful.
Charles Van Commenee could resign as the Performance Director of UK Athletics as early as next week after a week of internet rumours about his private life. The blogosphere has gone into overdrive in recent days, with many claiming that the Dutchman “doesn’t actually need glasses”. In an unprecedented move this evening, the top man called the Lufbra Echo to “set the record straight”. “Let me make this clear,” said a clearly tired and emotional Van Commenee, “I have needed spectacles since a young age. These nasty and horrible accusations are really upsetting my family.” The UKA Chief went on to dismiss rumours that he had visited a laser eye specialist last year as “an innocent friendship and nothing more”. “I am proud to wear glasses,” he said “they are my trademark and I would never dream of turning my back on such distinguished blindness. But why shouldn’t I be friends with a laser eye doctor?”
GANDY IN PARKING GAFFE
George Gandy has caused several thousand pounds worth of damage to a Loughborough car park after making an error when test driving a new Mercedes. The UKA endurance coach was looking to offload some of his Barcelona bonus by investing in the new car but things went horrendously wrong when he decided to nip to Tesco. “Mr Gandy was attempting to speed out of the car park,” said a senior source, “unfortunately he forgot that the car was stuck in reverse”. The insider went onto bemoan the “weak” walls of the car park. “They should see this sort of thing coming,” said the spokesman, “I am sure Mr Gandy will not be the first to do this so they better get used to it.”
BMC BOSS TO STAND DOWN OVER TIMING FOUL UPS
The Chief Executive of the British Milers Club will stand down at the end of the season after a string of errors have made his position “untenable”. The unnamed supremo is believed to have reached a compromise with his employers meaning that they will not have to pay out the entirety of his £12m contract. “We are grateful for all the work he [the CEO] has put in,” said membership secretary Pat Fitzgerald, “it is a thankless and entirely anonymous role.” Fitzgerald would not elaborate on the figure that has been paid out in order to secure the resignation but it is rumoured to be somewhere in the region of £3m. The membership chief – who is famous for hounding late payers of membership subs – denied speculation that he was in line to take up the role: “I don’t think I am ready for such a move yet. We need someone who is ready to shake the organisation up; we need a rethink”. Early last year, the BMC successfully won a High Court injunction against the Chief Executive preventing him from revealing his true identity in his autobiography. At the time the country’s premier middle distance club claimed that the role had to maintain a “high level of mystique” in order to be successful.
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