Wind and rain may have battered Bedford today, but our guys remain resolute in bringing you all the action and gossip from BUCS......
COFFEE PROVISION MUST IMPROVE: BULDARO
Birmingham’s head coach, Bud Buldaro has hit out at what he calls “rancid” coffee served at Bedford’s stadium. “Have you tried it?” fumed the velvet tongued coach, “it’s dreadful. In this day and age you really do expect better. How can coaches be expected to go about their business when having to drink that rubbish?” Buldaro spent “several hours” with officials last night discussing the situation and revealed today that it would be “unlikely” to improve. Emerging from the talks in the early hours of the morning, he said “the trouble is they are stuck in their ways. They think that we have to have rubbish coffee at UK track events- well we don’t. It’s 2010, not 1910”.
BUCS chiefs would not comment officially this morning, but well placed sources have told the Lufbra Echo that Buldaro was “very angry” last night. “I think he was upset that Nick Goolab wore the wrong socks or something, but he was right up in the face of the meeting referee.” Our insider continued, “we don’t see anything really wrong with the coffee. If you don’t like it, then don’t drink it.”
OXBRIDGE BEMOAN ‘PLEB SITUATION’
Representatives of Britain’s two leading Universities, Oxford and Cambridge have complained that a growing number of “common people” are distracting them from their races. A spokesman for the two institutions said, “it’s so very tiresome. We can’t be expected to prepare fully for the 100 yard dash and the like if these imbeciles start charging around like school children.” One Oxford athlete was furious after a student from Essex University “maliciously” spilt a can of Red Bull over his copy of Hamlet. “If I don’t read Hamlet’s glorious soliloquy before racing then there is no point,” thundered the beaten 1500m semi-finalist, “that’s my season effectively over now. I am heartbroken.”
Oxbridge leaders have called for a “special call room” for individuals who have gained a minimum of 6 A graded A Levels. The source went on, “they have to study a reasonable course as well. We can’t have these simpletons who read ‘Sport Science’ coming in. Suitable attire will have to be worn and these ghastly iPods will be banned.” It is thought that Cambridge students have become particularly upset with the “repulsive culture of hugging your opponent at the end of the race.” One athlete said, “what has happened to the traditional hand shake? It’s not nice to have sweaty plebeians coming up and embracing you.”
It is unlikely that the complainers will garner much sympathy with the officials in charge of the event. A BUCS source said, “it’s outrageous. Just because they want to turn up in fancy dress and prance around in smoking jackets, they think they can boss everyone around. Well they can’t.” The insider went on to point out that the annual clash between Oxford and Cambridge in the Boat Race had “no quality whatsoever”. “Neither of those teams would get near the final of a BUCS event. They need to get over themselves.”
ATHLETE FAILS TO MAKE FINAL AFTER “NOT RUNNING QUICK ENOUGH” SHOCK
A middle-distance runner will not compete in the final of his event after “not running as quick” as other athletes in his semi-final. The athlete, who has asked to remain nameless, is said to be “an established name” on the athletics circuit and offered no excuse for his failure. When asked what went wrong, he left observers gob-smacked by conceding that he “probably wasn’t as good” as the people who beat him. One watcher said afterwards, “it was unbelievable- he virtually gave up. He could have blamed the wind, the pH level of the water here or the ridiculously bright vests that some athletes wear, but he didn’t.” Commentators have criticised the athlete for a “lack of fighting spirit”. Paula Radcliffe told the Echo that anybody worth their salt should have a “bank of excuses” at the ready. “It doesn’t matter what they are,” said one of the best Olympic failures of all time, “but there’s always a reason and you never, ever just say that you weren’t good enough.”
The shocking revelation comes as other athletes were less gracious and officials hurriedly released statements apologising for “unprecedented levels” of disappointment caused largely by the wind. “There has been a lot of upset today,” said an insider, “we are looking at erecting large screens in future because the wind has been such a pain today....we have had a lot of complaints.”