Sebastian Coe has today revealed the 2012 Games “will not and should not” be exempt from the forthcoming public service cuts set out by the new Conservative Government. Speaking from a press conference outside Downing Street (where he had met with Dave and/or Nick), his Lordship conceded that plans were already falling into place. “We cannot kid ourselves,” said William Hague’s former ‘Chief of Staff’, “the public purse is in a mess and it is our responsibility to do something about it”. Coe refused to be drawn on speculation surrounding where the cuts would be made, but the Lufbra Echo yesterday revealed that the former world record holder was “seriously thinking about” opting for a grass track in order to make the Olympics “greener”. An insider told this morning how Coe and the LOCOG board had “been shopping in Wilkinson’s” in search of a cheap set of medals. “Lord Coe is hoping that by buying in bulk we will save a packet,” said one of the Lord’s senior aides, “he’s really quite set on the idea.”
Meanwhile, other sources have leaked news that the one hundred metres may be reduced to 95 in order to save some money. “This is a 5% reduction,” enthused a BOA insider, “and we have not ruled out downsizing other events. I know that there is a general feeling that the marathon is too long anyway- we’re thinking about just saying the winner of the London Marathon [in April] is the Olympic Champion- it will save a lot of hassle.” It also looks certain that “almost all” the women’s Track and Field events will be cancelled. Our source went on, “would you really miss them? We sat in Beijing and thought ‘what a waste of time!’ They’re slower and duller than the men....most aren’t even that attractive”.
Downing Street also refused to deny speculation that the Government was set to cancel the Olympics altogether. A story set to be printed in a Sunday newspaper reveals how the new administration is “looking to postpone the Games to a more economically convenient time.” A Whitehall source said, “telephone calls have been made. We have looked at trying to loan the Games out to some other country that has loads of money. Like Greece, for example”.
It was confirmed last week that plans to have Dame Kelly Holmes present some of the medals were scrapped after the great Dame demanded a £300,000 payment per medal as well as helicopter transport to and from each ceremony. It is thought that the incoming Culture Minister, Jeremy Hunt (who was a Conservative at the time of writing), was fuming when he discovered such an astronomical sum was being mooted. Hunt has also vetoed demands by Usain Bolt that there be “a chicken nugget outlet on every corner” on the grounds that it was extortionate.
It seems that Bolt will not be the only athlete to be disappointed with the feeding arrangements. Newly appointed Prime Minister David Cameron (and/or Nick Clegg, delete as appropriate) has indicated that it is likely that ASDA will provide “two meals a day, maximum” for each athlete. Horrified by the thought of having to eat such rubbish, Andrew Lemoncello has “ruled himself out” of the Games. A Lemoncello source said, “Andrew is clear on this- ASDA’s green colours naturally offend him and the Olympics really isn’t that high on his list of priorities anyway”.
Elsewhere, Ryanair has been confirmed as the “Official Airline” of the 2012 Olympics.