ICE MAN: Van Commenee is famed for his deathly stare of disapproval
Charles Van Commenee has been branded as “downright frightening” by several leading British athletes as they return home from Norway and the European Team Championships. Dwain Chambers described a “look that could kill a thousand elephants” when the sprint ace was spotted using a mobile telephone at the dinner table. “He grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and marched me outside,” said the Belgrave man, “I have never been so terrified. He didn’t even say anything and just looked at me like the Demon Headmaster.” Elsewhere, Emily Freeman said that she was “losing sleep” at the thought of letting Van Commenee down. “I can’t think straight when I am around him,” said the 200m Olympic Semi-Finalist, “I think it’s those glasses, they just make you shiver.” Despite the official line emerging from the Team GB camp that Chris Thompson was ruled out through illness, insiders have revealed that it was actually because of a major bust up with the UKA performance chief. “Chris was sent home,” confirmed a camp insider, “he called Mr. Van Commenee ‘CVC’ and then there was a very big argument. I saw Chris emerge from the meeting in tears and then went straight to the airport.” This is not the first time that somebody has made such a gaffe. Steve Lewis was forced to apologise to the supremo after failing to register a legal height and was accused of mumbling the ‘Van’ portion of the name. Sources have said that Lewis was forced to write out Mr. Van Commenee’s name 1,000 times before being allowed to eat his supper of dried toast and water.
When asked about his demeanour by some fearless (and now barred) journalists, Van Commenee said that he had to “up his game” in the scary stakes as Fabio Capello was “hogging all the attention”. “He [Capello] thinks that by forcing everyone to eat together and banning the WAGs, he is some kind of hero,” snapped Van Commenee, “well, how many of his players has he made cry? How many letters from parents has he had?” Independent observers have confirmed that it is “very likely” that the Dutchman has a greater capacity to scare that Don Fabio. The Court of Arbitration for Sport have twice warned Van Commenee over his “intimidating behaviour” after many athletes complained that they felt “unduly stressed” in his presence. A spokesman for CAS revealed that the UKA top man would have received a firmer punishment but he succeeded in "terrifying" the entire panel of independent judges.