SCRATCHING HEAD ‘ADDS 10% T0 PERFORMANCE’: REPORT
A research project seen by the Lufbra Echo has told of how scratching your head in a “rhythmic circular motion” can increase performance in a 5km running trial by as much as 10%. Researchers at the University of North Dunstable have hailed “a great day for performance sport” and UK Athletics are said to be drafting up new guidelines for distribution to performance centres across the country. The paper- which has yet to be published- concludes that endurance athletes should scratch their heads in the hours immediately prior to performance. “We found that three hours before a race or significant workout was the best time,” said Prof. N. O. Sense who headed up the team, “scratching athletes reported feeling less pain, less fatigue and more vigour than a control group.” The scratchers seemingly also performed far better with quicker times being consistently recorded. It was not all good news however, as the technique was shown to have “no significant effect” on sprint performance. “If anything [performance] declined,” said N. O. Sense, “we are unsure why, but think it likely that the sprinters struggled with the complexities of using the circular motion.” Bad news too for all nose pickers out there as a regular practice of picking one’s nose had “only a small effect” on an athlete’s ability to breathe. “That was disappointing,” said N. O. Sense, “but at least we know where to focus our energy now.” The research team dismissed suggestions that doing a little extra mileage could have a positive impact on running performance. “What utter nonsense,” thundered a senior researcher, “we really haven’t got time to entertain such ridiculous ideas.”
WATFORD TRACK ‘NOT SHORT’: UKA
UK Athletics have reacted angrily to suggestions that the Watford track is short by 2 metres. The accusations came on popular running forums Eightlane and Letsrun after several athletes were seen to run faster than they were “capable of”. “Clearly short,” harrumphed one Eightlaner, “uka reely need to sought this out. How cum all these peepel suddenely run pbs? [sic]”. An insider at the Governing Body revealed that an official track measurer had been called in and confirmed that it had been given the all clear. “Ben Green kindly looked it up on Google Earth,” revealed our source, “and on the third time through it came up at exactly the right distance. If anything it’s long.” Meanwhile, the BMC have confirmed that all times from the recent Grand Prix held at the stadium will stand. This news comes despite widespread anger that video evidence suggested that some times (taken by the official time keepers) were clearly wrong. A spokesman said, “we can’t go around changing times on the whim of a few disgruntled slow coaches.” It was added that there were no plans to “just make the times up” at the next Grand Prix.