An unnamed male athlete has parted company with his only remaining brain cell, the Lufbra Echo can exclusively reveal. The brain cell stormed out of ‘clear the air’ talks with the athlete late last night and revealed in a press conference this lunchtime that it has no intention of returning. Citing “ridiculous levels” of work, the brain cell had demanded that contract re-negotiations “fairly reflect” its increased burden. The distance runner is understood to be currently loaning a brain cell from a close pal, whilst the recruitment process for a permanent replacement gets underway.
The now retired 1500m man was known to be a hard task master of his brain cells and many walked out in disgust when he mustered all his energy to pass his undergraduate degree in five years- claiming to have written “10,000 words [of his dissertation] in 24 hours”. At the time, the Brain Cell Union demanded an apology from the athlete, stating that he had placed “unreasonable expectations” on his already diminished brain cell stock. It is thought that the completion of another university course and “other interests” has forced this brave final brain cell to the edge. “It was all too much” sobbed the cell from its press conference, “my employer was just being unreasonable- he was out every night and then we were up all hours trying to complete assignments. I can’t and won’t work like that.” The brain cell recollected “painful partings” with many of its friends as brain cell after brain cell stormed out on the ex-athlete. “I made so many friends, and it isn’t nice when they are treated so badly that they have to live on brain cell support,” it continued, “I would advise any other cells against even contemplating working for this awful man.”
The difficult history this athlete has had with brain cells was no more underlined than when the cell in charge of ‘language and basic communication’ downed tools and left six years ago. Since then, a string of agency cells were brought in to try and fill the void, but sources close to the Cell Recruitment and Intelligence Society (CRIS) told of how all temporary cells kept refusing to take the work on. “In the end,” said an insider, “we had to ask the client to look elsewhere. It seems that he can’t recruit any brain cells at all now. It is most sad”.